Cellar Girl

by Josefina Rivera

  ‘I get back down to him and he asks if I want to get something to eat so I say “Yeah, why not?” and he takes me to TGI Friday’s, which is a nice joint.

  ‘I get a cheeseburger and fries and while we’re eating he asks me if I want to go to Atlantic City with him tomorrow. I’m thinking like maybe this guy is a secret millionaire or something because he don’t dress too well but he’s got a nice car and seems to have plenty of cash to throw around on meals and trips.

  ‘I’m thinking about it and I think, yeah, well, I’d like to go to Atlantic City but I tell him I don’t have anything to wear. I mean, I’m wearing just my ordinary jeans and I don’t have any change of clothes.

  ‘So then he pulls out a fifty-dollar bill and he tells me we’re gonna go shopping afterwards to Sears and he’s gonna buy me some clothes. Well, that’s a pretty nice offer, so I accept and he gets me a couple pairs of jeans and two tops. Then he says: “Can I put them on you?”

  ‘And I guess because now he’s spent a bit of dough on me and I trust him I say “yes” so he brings me back to this place, which I got to say is a bit of a disappointment because by now I’m expecting him to live in a really nice big house in the good part of town.

  ‘Anyway, he gives me a wine cooler and I start to play the pinball machine in his dining room. Then he puts a film on the VCR – Splash – and I start to watch it while he’s disappeared upstairs. But you see I took an allergy pill at the restaurant and with the wine, it’s making me real drowsy.

  ‘The next thing I know I’m laying on his bed upstairs completely naked and he’s having sex with me.

  ‘I don’t feel that good about all this now so then I ask him to take me back to my girlfriend’s house. And I’m just getting up to put on my clothes and that’s when he starts choking me.’

  Lisa’s hands flew up to her throat at the memory.

  ‘He’s got his arm round my throat and I can’t breathe and I manage to say: “Okay! Okay – quit choking me, I’ll do whatever you want.”

  ‘Then he cuffs me and brings me down here.’

  Sandra and me were nodding – it was just like he did with us two.

  We liked Lisa immediately. She was young and friendly and she seemed to adjust pretty well to her new situation. Lisa’s two kids were with her mom and they got supported through welfare – she dropped out of school in eleventh grade when she fell pregnant and she never completed her high school diploma.

  She was uneducated but she was no fool and she quickly caught on to the right way to speak to Gary without getting him angry. I guess the fact that Sandra and I were there to reassure her helped a lot. For our part, it was nice to have extra company and since it was now nearing Christmas we talked a lot about our families and our kids. It helped to be able to tell others about the ones we were missing. I loved telling them about Toya’s funny ways and Zornae’s sweet innocence. And I could speak for hours and hours about Ricky, even though he was just a tiny baby when I last saw him. I loved talking about them, but it was painful too – they change by the minute in those early days, growing up before your eyes! And I was missing out. That was hard to accept.

  I appreciated talking to Lisa and Sandra so much. I knew for certain that if I was on my own down here I’d have probably lost my mind. Added to that was the fear that I was now carrying Gary’s child.

  A baby with this cruel man! The thought was horrific.

  By now Gary was coming down and spending a lot of time with us girls – I could see he was enjoying having company. It wasn’t like we were going anywhere and we all just nodded and agreed with him most of the time so he was getting all the things he wanted.

  Now that there were three of us, he’d started to rank us in order of how long we’ve been there. Since I’d been there the longest I got to spend most of my time up top. But he still put Sandra and Lisa in the hole whenever he went out. The hole wasn’t big enough for three. And perhaps he felt he’d ‘broken me in’. Who knows? I reckon he’d got fed up digging because he didn’t bother any more.

  I tried speaking to him nice to get him to like me. A couple of times I complimented him on his shirt and he seemed pleased with that.

  I didn’t know what my plan was yet but I knew for certain that there was only one way out of here and that was through him, so I had to get him to trust me.

  Sandra trusted me. She was confident I would find a way out for all of us and I wasn’t going to let her down.

  Chapter Eight

  Christmas

  I woke up on Christmas morning with a heavy heart.

  In all my life, I don’t think I’d ever felt so low. My Christmases of the past had been special, wonderful times and even more magical since Toya reached the age of being able to appreciate the day, the presents and all the things that made it fun.

  My mind slipped back to the Christmas before, when I still had my kids with me and life was good.

  That Christmas when I awoke my eyes scanned the room – Toya’s bed was empty. I looked over to the crib to see that she had climbed in and she was trying to feed the baby strawberry yoghurt. That kid had an obsession with strawberry yoghurt!

  The crib was smeared and spattered with creamy pink gloop – it looked like she’d tried to repaint the whole crib with the stuff!

  ‘How many times I got to tell you about that yoghurt?’ I demanded.

  ‘Morning Mommy! Happy Christmas!’ she smiled, aiming a dripping spoon at the tiny baby’s mouth. At this point Zornae was just weeks old.

  But her big sister Toya loved her so much she couldn’t keep away from her.

  ‘Yeah, yeah. Happy Christmas honey,’ I sighed, lifting her out of the crib and going to get a cloth to wipe the baby. Robert was sleeping off a hangover, the presents were stacked under a small plastic tree, a few baubles and tinsel brightened up an otherwise small apartment.

  In this moment we had everything to look forward to – gifts, dinner with my mom, a whole day of fun and games.

  * * *

  Looking back I couldn’t believe how drastically my life had gone wrong in the space of one year. Not long after Christmas Robert and me split up, then I found out I was expecting Ricky.

  I was now going out to work every day to try and make a living and leaving my sister Iris in charge of the kids. That’s when I lost Zornae to child protective services who claimed she wasn’t getting appropriate care.

  Zornae had got a weight problem so I was feeding her up with all these different formulas but she was still skinny as a rake and child protective services saw that she was too thin and accused me of neglecting to feed her properly.

  I had to go through the courts and that’s when my doctor confirmed that Zornae was born thin and her skinniness was down to her medical problems.

  He confirmed I’d been back and forth with her, trying out all these different formulas and vitamins and stuff. Child protective services were forced to admit they’d got it wrong but they still weren’t happy with where I was living so they said I had to find a more suitable place to stay before they’d give her back.

  I was mad as hell at Iris but what could I do?

  So then I just had Toya with me and I couldn’t depend on Iris to look after her. I had to give up my job and the only work I could do was hooking.

  To my eternal shame, I took up crack after a break of a year to cope. I was still trying to take care of Toya and her dad was making it really difficult to arrange our visitations properly. I’d let him have her for a day or so and then, instead of bringing her back to me on time, he stopped bringing her back at all or he brought her back so late I’d have to wait for hours and hours. It was driving me mad.

  One day in July she was meant to be back at home with me but of course her dad had failed to return her.

  So I asked Iris to come with me to their place on Augustus Avenue so we could confront Billy about what was going on.

  We got to the house that he shared with his mom Clara and as we were coming down the street, I sa
w Toya playing on her big wheel outside by herself. I took her aside and at that moment I saw the trolley car coming down the street.

  ‘You take Toya back to my house,’ I instructed Iris. ‘I’ve got to go and tell Billy we’ve got her. I need to sort this out once and for all. He’s messing me around like crazy.’

  ‘No,’ Iris objected. ‘We got her now. You don’t need to go down there.’

  ‘I got to talk to him!’ I insisted. ‘For one thing, he’s going to be worried if Toya doesn’t come back. At the least I got to tell him she’s with me. Just get her on the trolley and I’ll be home soon.’

  So I walked down the street, leaving Toya and Iris standing there, thinking she was going to take her on the trolley.

  I got to Billy and Clara’s home and I let them know that I had Toya and she was coming back with me. But they weren’t happy and we started fighting about how they were making it difficult and never dropping her off on time.

  As I was arguing with Clara, Billy slipped out of the house, got in his station wagon and saw that Iris and Toya were still waiting for me on the corner. They didn’t get on the trolley.

  Billy drove up to the pair and made a grab for Toya. She screamed and Iris was hollering too but he just put our daughter in the car and drove off.

  By the time I got outside it was all over.

  ‘Why didn’t you do something?’ I yelled at Iris, still standing in the street. ‘You should have run after him.’

  ‘I didn’t have the right shoes on.’

  They had taken my baby and now I was all alone. I couldn’t believe how quickly it had happened.

  I didn’t have the money to go through the courts and even if I did, I knew that child protective services wouldn’t be on my side right then. So that’s why getting the apartment was so crucial. If I had a place to stay, I could get Zornae and Ricky back with me and then I had a decent chance of getting Toya too.

  Now I was in this hellhole and my hopes of getting my children back were all but gone. Every step I’d taken since leaving my apartment that night of Thanksgiving had taken me further and further away from my kids.

  All I wanted in the world was to see their faces again.

  I put my head down and sent up a silent prayer to all my children, hoping they were safe and well somewhere and they were being taken care of.

  Mommy loves you, I told them. Mommy loves you all and I’ll be home soon.

  I promise.

  I thought of my mom again – she’d be beside herself by now. We usually spoke on the phone every day – it had been over a month and though I occasionally dropped off the radar for a few days we’d never gone this long without speaking.

  I’m sorry Mom, I whispered to myself. I’m so sorry Mom.

  In my head I heard her replying: You got yourself into this mess, Josefina. You got to find a way to get out.

  My head was clear for the first time in ages and I came to the horrible realization that she was right; I was partly to blame for being in this place. Sure, this guy was a nut, but I couldn’t run away from the fact that I also had my part to play in all this.

  If I hadn’t stepped out that night, I wouldn’t be in this situation. I’d made so many bad choices the past few years, taken so many wrong turns, I wondered if there was ever going to be a way back for me. I prayed to God for the chance to try. I just wanted a chance to put this right, a chance to get my family back.

  Maybe I couldn’t get everything straight again but I had to try. If Mom was here, that’s exactly what she would say. And she’d be right.

  I had to do everything in my power to get out.

  * * *

  None of us were talking much – I could see the same depressing realization had struck us all. It was Christmas yet none of us were with our loved ones.

  Lisa was missing her kids, Sandra her mom and sister.

  What kind of a Christmas was this? Stuck in this basement with no daylight, half starved and naked, sore from being chained up and filthy as dogs.

  On the radio the announcer wished us all a merry Christmas and then, almost to underline our collective misery he played: ‘All I Want for Christmas is You’.

  I had to resist the urge to melt into tears. I didn’t want to bring my bad feeling to these other girls, didn’t want to make them feel any worse than I knew they already felt. But it sure was hard to keep my head up.

  Suddenly I heard the click of the door to the basement and Gary’s footsteps coming down the stairs.

  ‘Happy Christmas Girls!’ he said cheerfully.

  ‘Happy Christmas, Gary,’ we chimed back, but there wasn’t much heart in it.

  ‘Look, seeing as it’s Christmas I decided to treat you all to a Chinese meal. Here are menus – you can have one dish each.’

  He looked pleased with himself, proud at his generosity.

  We each took a menu from his local Chinese restaurant and started reading down the list. It had been so long since I’d tasted any real food except plain white bread that my mouth was salivating just looking over the menu: sweet and sour pork balls, griddled dumplings, wonton soup, chicken chow mein.

  Oh my God, it all looked so delicious.

  Now Lisa, Sandra and myself were all looking at each other excitedly.

  ‘What are you going to get?’ Lisa asked me.

  ‘I don’t know. I haven’t got to the end of the menu yet. It all looks so good.’

  ‘I know, I know!’

  My eyes could hardly take it all in. How can you decide what to eat when you’re starving and someone hands you a menu? You want it all!

  ‘I like chow mein,’ Sandra said simply. ‘Can you get me that Gary, please?’

  Lisa chose stir-fried beef and eventually, after a lot of thinking, I settled on shrimp fried rice.

  Gary went upstairs and within half an hour he was back down again, this time carrying a bag of take-out that I could smell before he’d even set foot in the basement.

  The aroma was incredible and my stomach ached with hunger. Now we were all sitting up, eager to devour our Christmas feast.

  Gary handed out plastic forks and our boxes with foil lids. We ripped them off and I was almost overcome with the smell – it was the first real food I’d had in a month and I was dizzy just thinking about it.

  ‘Oh sweet Jesus!’ exclaimed Sandra.

  ‘Yeah!’ breathed Lisa, taking in the heady scent. She’d only been here three days but it was enough time on bread and water to feel sick with hunger.

  I looked up at them both, my rice still untouched, unwilling to break into the food until we were all ready. The other girls were smiling, and I smiled back.

  In that instant, and for the first time in a month, I felt normal. Just normal.

  I couldn’t wait any longer. I dug my fork into the soft, golden rice and took a bite. Oh my Lord, the sensations exploded in my mouth. It was like nothing I’d ever experienced before – sweet, salty, spicy, fragrant, sour, fresh and tangy. I felt like I was eating for the first time in my life. I took another mouthful. It was so good it wasn’t long before I was digging in over and over again, ravenous.

  After ten minutes of silent eating I looked up to see Gary sitting at the table, watching us all – his expression was blank, unreadable.

  ‘Gary, this sure is good,’ I said, appreciatively. ‘You want to try some?’

  ‘No thanks,’ he said. ‘It’s yours. I ate already.’

  Sandra looked at me. ‘Can I try some please, Nicole?’

  ‘Sure.’

  Sandra took a forkful of rice and placed it carefully in her mouth, then, because she had a strange problem with her jaw, she worked the rice around and around in her mouth, slowly and carefully. It took Sandra ten minutes to finish every mouthful but she seemed so happy right now.

  She offered me some chow mein and I eagerly accepted.

  We each tried a forkful of each other’s food before setting to work on our own dishes again. My belly was full long before I stopped eating
but there was nothing on earth that was going to stop me finishing every grain of rice in that foil carton.

  When we were done, we sat there, all of us groaning and holding our stomachs, happy and full.

  The food was wonderful but best of all, just the ordinary feeling of eating a meal, a normal meal, lifted our spirits.

  Gary let us sit there for a while before ordering us all to lie down to have sex with him – it was the last thing I wanted but I didn’t object.

  This time, when he got on top of me, his heavy frame pushed down hard on my stomach, making me feel like I might throw up.

  ‘You look fatter,’ he said to me as he was leaving, clearly happy with himself. ‘It’s good. It suits you.’

  I looked down at my skinny legs and thin arms – I couldn’t see any difference from how I was when he brought me down here a month ago. All my life I’d been naturally slim and the drugs had definitely kept me on the skinnier side. Now perhaps he saw the bulge in my belly from the food and assumed this meant I was gaining weight.

  Maybe I was gaining weight from being off the drugs, I didn’t know. Maybe it was because I was pregnant – my period still hadn’t arrived. There were no other signs, however.

  It was Gary’s attitude that riled me. It was incredible that this man actually thought he was doing me a favor! I wondered if this was how he treated Anjeanette when she was pregnant. No wonder they took the baby off him.

  Lisa was talking now, telling a story about an old boyfriend. The food had made her chatty.

  ‘He wanted to marry me,’ she said. ‘I said no – I didn’t really love him. He was sweet though. I wish now I’d said yes to him and no to Gary. Boy, I sure did get that the wrong way round. I got no clue how to pick men!’

  She laughed at herself and I couldn’t help but smile.

  ‘What about you, Nicole?’ she asked. ‘You ever been married?’

  ‘Sure,’ I said. ‘Ronnie. Nice guy, lovely guy actually. He was good to me – set me up in a nice home, paid for everything. But you know, I don’t think marriage suited me much.