Cellar Girl
Page 23
In fact, both Ricky and Zornae stayed on with Toya for a good few weeks afterwards. It meant so much to them both to reconnect to their family and I was pleased for all of them. After all, I wouldn’t be around forever. Now they had each other and nobody could take that away.
As for me, I was simply grateful to have the opportunity to build a better future with all my children.
Epilogue
My favorite holiday is the Fourth of July, Independence Day. It means something to me. Around here they set off a load of fireworks along the beaches from Margate to Ventnor and Brigantine. But the Atlantic City fireworks are always the best. I guess it’s because this is a holiday town and the big casinos like to put on a good show for the tourists.
Chris and I usually go to the beach and watch them exploding through the sky, lighting up the night in a brilliant display of color.
Last year we took a Ferris wheel ride on the boardwalk just as they were setting off the fireworks all along the coast. As we reached the crest of the wheel we saw a hundred fireworks streaking through the dark skies, cracking and banging all around us, for twenty miles down the beach. All the fireworks displays were being set off at once and we had the best seats in the house!
It was exquisite and extraordinary. I screamed and laughed and applauded like a little girl. The rockets fizzed upwards, leaving a sparkly trail in their wake before erupting into bright glitterballs of light. The shimmery confetti burned in the sky, fountains showered silver, red and gold sparks while cracks, whistles and fizzes broke out all around us.
Chris sat next to me, holding my hand, grinning away.
‘I love to see you like this,’ he whispered in my ear.
‘I love to be like this,’ I told him.
And it’s true. I like being happy. I try to see the good and positive in most things and people. After all, we only get one shot on this earth and we’ve got to make the best of the cards we’re dealt. So when I find pleasure and happiness in my life, I grab it with both hands.
My grandchildren now are my biggest pleasure – they are all such good kids, well mannered, smart, and well adjusted. Now that the eldest are growing up, I can talk to them on adult terms and it continually surprises me how quick and clever they are. But really, what I like best is just goofing around with them. We play on the Wii together and do all the dancing and they think it’s hilarious that Grandma gets stuck in, busting out all the moves with them. I play games with the little ones and even love watching cartoons with them like SpongeBob SquarePants. I’m really just a big kid at heart. I’m so lucky to have this chance to enjoy my grandkids and I’m so proud of Toya and Zornae who are doing such great jobs as moms. I’m still working through a lot of stuff with Ricky and Zornae. These things take time but we’re getting there.
Yes, I still bear the physical scars of my captivity – my hearing is still shot but I’ve learned to speak quieter now and although I like to have the TV turned up loud, I don’t have any serious damage from the screwdrivers. I have some scars on my ankles from the chains and marks on my arms from where the boards cut them up. I don’t cover them up. It is what it is. I can’t change it. Taking away these scars isn’t going to make my life any easier or make me forget what happened.
Since I’ve been in therapy with DJ things have got a lot better. The last three years have been the best of my life since I met Heidnik and although I’ve had setbacks I’m getting a little better at handling them each time. It’s a constant struggle to make my life normal. No matter how ordinary and well-adjusted I may seem to people, very few see the turmoil underneath.
Mainly, what has kept me strong and provided me with answers is my faith in God. For a long time I struggled to understand why God would put a man like Heidnik on this earth and why He would choose me to cross his path. I know the answer now. He put me there to help get the other girls out alive. There was a plan all along and it was a positive one. Those girls needed to be saved because they would have never saved themselves. So I’m glad I was there and I’m glad I was mentally capable of saving them. I just wish everybody could have made it.
But am I the Josefina Rivera I used to be, before Heidnik? No. There was a Josefina Before and there is a Josefina After. The two are not the same. And that’s okay. We all go through changes in our lives – it’s just that some people’s changes are more severe than others. For a long time I wondered how I was going to get back to the person I was before, refusing to acknowledge the change in me. I was stuck. And now, thanks to proper help, I realize there is no way back. You can’t move backwards, only forwards.
So now I wake up every day and I look to the future. I look to what is ahead of me still and I feel very positive. These days I spend a lot of time helping out at the Salvation Army rescue mission, giving my time and energy to those less fortunate than myself. I’d like to do a counseling course one day so I can help other victims in a constructive way, the way that others have helped me. And Chris, who has been my rock and anchor through many troubled times, has asked me to marry him, so one day soon we’ll tie the knot. I can honestly say I feel truly blessed with love.
Above all I just wake up every day and try to be the best person I can be. I try to be kind, helpful and heed my mom’s advice. I’m not a good person or bad person but I try to be fair whether I like a person or not. My mom raised me to have values and that is something I’ve never lost.
And sometimes, when the feelings threaten to burst out and overtake me once more, I just like to wander along the beach, lose myself between the sand and the swell, and collect pieces of sea glass. Once lost, now recovered, these tiny fragments of the past come together in my jars at home, reformed from old structures into new shapes and pieces. Like the pieces of an unknown jigsaw, they take on new life and meaning on my windowsill.
They have survived. In some way, shape and form they have adapted, changed and survived. And sometimes, that is enough.
Acknowledgements
I would like to thank the following people.
DJ Schlag for his ongoing spiritual and mental support.
Pastor Weer and Chelsea Baptist Church for all their prayers and support, especially Cecelia Weer for her encouragement and friendship.
My children, LaToya, Ricky and Zornae, and my son-in-law Russell, for their love and support; my grandchildren LaQuoia, Bryahna, Jaaqwan, Sean, Gary and Princeton for their unconditional love.
The Lyle family for their help and support.
Dr Kavcavary and the entire staff at Atlantic Care Behavioral Health.
Charles Gallagher for standing by me in my time of need.
The staff of Special Victims Unit of the Philadelphia police department.
To my sister Iris Rodrigez who is no longer with us but is still watching over me.
Marvin Sapp for his inspiration from his song ‘Never Could Have Made It’.
And finally, Kirk Franklin for helping me to remember I can smile.
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