Clearing my throat, I tried one more time. “Maybe it would be better if I just waited for you outside in the lobby.”
Gabriel sighed loud and long, patience obviously at an end. “You always have to do everything the hard way, don’t you? Very well, Emma.” Before I got a chance to say anything in my defense, Gabriel stood up and marched me over to a corner, his hand firmly on my elbow. “Since you can’t be a good girl and do what you’re told, you’re in time out. Use it wisely and reflect on your behavior.”
My eyes widened in shock. “You’ve got to be joking.”
“I’m afraid not, Emma. Now turn around and face the wall. You aren’t to move until I say you can. Understand?”
“Gabriel, I don’t like this—”
“Well, I didn’t like you being a bad girl. We all must live with our disappointments.”
“But—”
“My space, my control. Remember you agreed to this?” When I didn’t turn around Gabriel crossed his arms and looked down at me, all traces of boyish charm gone. He said my name in warning. When I still dawdled he growled, “I’m not going to ask you again.”
My gaze once more flew to the closed door. “But what about Rick? What if he comes in and sees us?” Did that tiny, mournful voice really belong to me?
“Don’t worry about my assistant, Emma! You just worry about doing what you’re told.”
Gretchen’s advice echoed in my mind.
“A normal relationship usually means roses, candlelight dinners, puppies and kittens. Yours might mean stripes across your ass and timeouts in the corner.”
The stripes were bound to come my way if I didn’t do what I was told. I blew out a ragged breath and turned around. Fisting my hands in frustration, I swallowed the rest of my protests. Despite my best intentions, I wasn’t very gracious about accepting my fate. Something that didn’t go unnoticed by Gabriel.
He chuckled and blew softly against my neck. “Oh, my. Looks like someone is absolutely begging for a spanking. Have you had a bad day, Emma? Will a spanking help make you feel better? I think it would make you very sweet, don’t you?”
I couldn’t tell if he was joking or just trying to push my buttons again. So I bit my lip and kept my silence. Which was not to be tolerated by Gabriel at all.
“Emma, I asked you a question. You better answer it or I’ll come up with my own answer. And, baby, fair warning—you probably won’t like what I’ll come up with.”
“I wasn’t having a bad day but I am now,” I grudgingly pointed out. “Teach me to come see you after work. I won’t make that mistake again. Oh, and you can forget about me cooking for you. You can buy us pizza tonight.”
Instead of getting angry, Gabriel laughed and tugged my hair. “You’re hurting my feelings, Emma. I was so looking forward to your delicious food. Still, watch your tone. It’s far too snippy for my taste, understand?”
Subdued, I murmured an affirmative.
“Now stay here and I’ll tell you when you can come back.”
His footsteps faded. I itched to turn around. Facing the smooth wall, I wondered what would happen if I simply walked back to his desk or even left. The little devil on my shoulder prodded me to do so. The little angel was curious as well.
So was I.
What could he possibly do to me here?
I stepped back and immediately froze when Gabriel remarked blandly, “Emma, you really, really don’t want to do that.” He waited a beat. “Now get back into position. Since you want to try my patience, now you have to press your nose against the wall. Try my patience again and I’ll make you balance a two quarters on your nose. And no, that is not a joke. And yes, it’s incredibly difficult to do when one’s nose is as small as yours.”
I believed Gabriel. He sounded too sure of himself for me to disobey. Damnit! Where did my daring go? The ivory wall felt cold against my skin. The heat in my cheeks was plenty warm though. If Gabriel wanted me to feel like a bad girl he had definitely succeeded. Embarrassment, anger, and humiliation all vied to control my emotions.
I never liked being in trouble, no matter how great or small the offense. I was a gold star kid and Gabriel had just sent me home with a frowny face sticker. I crossed my arms and fidgeted from one leg to another. Another minute of this passed before I heard Gabriel drawl, “Are there ants in your pants? For the love of God, stand still!”
I locked my legs. My back resembled a ruler, it was that straight. I didn’t allow myself to wonder why I was obeying Gabriel to this degree. I already knew why. I wanted to please him. Somehow standing there with my face against the wall pleased Gabriel. The prize wasn’t necessarily my punishment. It was the delicate shackle of control that I willingly clamped around my ankle by obeying him.
Framed in that perspective, I had to admit it was all rather romantic. In a dark, moody sort of way. Gretchen was right. None of this between us was going to be normal, but it didn’t mean it was any less serious.
My frustration evaporated, leaving a vague sense of regret and guilt behind. Why did I have to make such a big deal of everything? Gabriel hadn’t asked much of me. Would it have hurt to have just sat on his lap? I swore I wanted this, but then I screwed it up every chance I got. I would do much better next time. Again it boiled down to trust.
And my stupid, suffocating, damnable fear was bound and determined to make my life hell.
My mind blanked. I didn’t try to preoccupy myself. I stood there and waited, feeling as if I would wait for Gabriel forever. Hadn’t I already done so? I waited for Gabriel even when that fact was unbeknownst to me.
Besides, it really wasn’t that hard, was it? All I had to do was wait. No other decision or action was required of me. No fighting, no thinking…I just needed to be in this body doing exactly what I was doing right now.
Terror and exhilaration pumped hard through my veins. Again I acknowledged our love had the potential to be bad for me, but I didn’t care. While staring into a rather colorless wall, a heavenly rainbow of color exploded in my mind’s eye. My senses heightened. I fancied I could hear the soft whisper of Gabriel sliding one piece of paper over another. If I concentrated surely I’d hear the breath leaving his body. My heartbeat thumped loudly in my ears. The skin on my legs and back tingled when I imagined Gabriel watching me.
How lovely to finally be under his regard.
Would it be the same for him as it was for me? Did Gabriel find it impossible to look away?
The same sensations that I felt in Gabriel’s penthouse while pinned against the column tickled the back of my brain. Freedom. Release.
Suddenly I knew it by name, excited beyond anything that I’d found that wondrous space again.
I’m letting go and becoming someone new at the same time.
I swayed. Gabriel called me over to his desk as soon as I closed my eyes. In a blissful fog, I made my way over to him. I stood between his legs, gaze pinned to the floor as I transcended my petty fears and found something better.
In the midst of my awakening, I’d opened myself up to something indefinable. I didn’t feel the urgency to make sense of what was happening inside my mind. The urge to control my surroundings vanished. My feelings of inadequacy disappeared as if they never were.
I was somewhere else, somewhere in my mind where all of this made perfect sense and where I knew exactly what to do.
“Emma,” he crooned softly. “Are you pouting?”
“No.” I definitely wasn’t in a sulk. My worldview tilted. The ground felt unsteady beneath my feet. I had the pressing urge to sink down and rest my head on his knee. Just when I opened my mouth to share this wonderful sense of excitement, I felt it all disintegrate.
No! Why?
Damnable fear howled from its pit and wrapped around me. Saddened and confused, I realized my contentment left as quickly as it had arrived. What to do now? How could I recapture those heady feelings? What was I doing wrong to make them go away?
Most importantly, how would I get them back?
Gabriel tipped my chin up. He searched my bewildered gaze for long moments, smooth brow furrowed in concern. “Emma, is something wrong?”
“I don’t know.”
How to explain how thrilled I was to know there was more to my life than I’d already experienced? That I could enter a state of euphoria just by staring at a wall?
How to explain how confused I was to know this as well? It was just a wall, one I’d faced simply because my sadistic lover bade me to. An act that held no real significant meaning other than to serve as an exercise in obedience.
Both true and untrue at the same time. How was that possible? And why did I feel so lost now? It made no sense.
I prided myself on always knowing an answer, no matter how difficult question. There were no answers in this. Only more questions.
In giving myself to Gabriel, was I really losing myself or finding myself for the first time? The questions made my head ache. Nothing could be solved simply when it came to Gabriel Gordon.
“Will you sit and let me hold you now?”
I nodded, dazed from the meltdown occurring in my brain. All I wanted to do was crawl into Gabriel’s lap and stay there. I was losing my mind right in front of the man I loved most in the world.
And there was nothing I could do to stop it because I didn’t even understand what was happening.
“No arguing?”
I shook my head, mouth still closed in a small line. Gabriel smoothed his thumb across my lower lip.
“Color me surprised, Emma. You not argue? What is the world coming to?”
I stared at him blankly. My reaction seemed to concern my lover.
“Can you smile for me, dear girl?”
I managed something less than a full smile and much more than a grimace. Gabriel tilted his head, studying me. “That will never do, Emma. Can you try again for me?”
I summoned another attempt, truly not trying to be willful. I wouldn’t have blamed him if he sent me back to the corner. I was unbalanced and unsure in a way that was violently painful for someone like me.
What did this mean? Why can’t I snap out of it?
Was I being submissive or having a breakdown? Had I found the way to peace by letting go of the fight this soon or was I bound to snap in bloody rebellion? Did I seriously like being punished or was I just so hot for Gabriel that I didn’t care what method he used to pay attention to me?
All these thoughts and more did their best to make my mind a turbulent wasteland of over-thinking mania.
What to do? What to do? What to do?
God, I’d rather go back to work than deal with this. Worse, I knew it was all my own damned doing. I truly was my own worst enemy.
Gabriel pulled me onto his lap. He arranged me until my head rested on his shoulder and my legs were draped across his strong thighs. “You’re surprisingly sensitive,” he said while running his hand across my hip. “I always suspected it, but didn’t know it was to this degree.”
Surprised by his declaration, I wondered how to go about defending myself or if I even should. “I’m usually not. I’m just as surprised as you are.”
“Then what’s happening, sweet girl?”
A soft sigh passed my lips as I gazed across the room, looking for an answer I knew I wouldn’t find. “I really don’t know, Gabriel. I’m never myself when I’m with you. And now…”
“What? Tell me.”
“Now something’s wrong inside here.” I tapped my forehead once.
“Love has a way of making us lose all sense. Some people never really experience it to this degree because they never really try to open themselves up to their loved one. Frightening, isn’t it?”
“Right now it’s terrifying. I think I’m going crazy, Gabriel.” Saying the words out loud made them real. “In fact, I must be.”
“You’re not. I promise.”
“But something strange happened to me, Gabriel. It happened at the penthouse and just now. I don’t even know how to explain it other than to say…” My voice gave out.
“What?” he prodded gently. “Go on, baby. You can tell me anything. Promise.”
“Everything made sense. I didn’t worry about us. I didn’t even worry if I could do this with you. I knew that I could. And just like that—it was gone. And now I feel worse than ever before.”
Mentally cringing, I waited for Gabriel to dismiss my ramblings.
He squeezed me once and said gently, “I’m very happy to hear this, Emma. You are bending towards me just as I hoped you would. That’s why you’re feeling this strangeness, baby. It’s perfectly normal—at least in these circumstances.”
Relieved that he didn’t minimize my feelings, I asked, “What is it?”
“You’re reworking your habits. You’re letting go of all your anxieties about us and letting yourself trust me.”
Once again it came down to trust. “It’s frightening, Gabriel.”
“Learning to trust someone completely always is.”
“Shouldn’t it be a good thing then? I mean, shouldn’t it feel…” I searched for the right words. “Light? Happy? Good? Not this!”
“There’s always chaos before creation. It’s as old as time.”
“It doesn’t make sense to me.”
Gabriel stroked my hair. “I know it doesn’t, my love, but it will soon. You’re as brilliant as always, did you know that? To move this quickly, without direction of any sort, it’s amazing.”
“Truly?”
“Absolutely.”
Cheered but not completely settled, I admitted, “I’m not used to this sort of disruption. I like knowing all the answers and now I feel completely lost.”
“I know.” Gabriel gifted me a sweet, lingering kiss. His warm lips were a scant inch from mine. “I know how much of a sacrifice this is for you, Emma. I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know.”
“Thank you.” I turned into him further. I just couldn’t get close enough. My hand reached out and cupped his cheek. “I’ll figure this out and once I do, I’ll do better.”
“You’re doing beautifully, Emma. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” Gabriel tweaked the tip of my nose and commanded with a devilish grin “Leave that to me.”
Dark humor possessed me with the inappropriate urge to laugh. Losing my keen mind and stumbling about was a marker of success. Great! No wonder Gretchen grilled me on my commitment to this lifestyle. I ignorantly thought it’d all be elaborate props and rough sex.
“I wish I knew exactly what to do to make us both happy. If I did, I would just do it all the time.”
“So would I.” Gabriel ran his fingers through my hair.
This was interesting. “You’re confused too?”
“Every day. Didn’t you know? Why do you think I made such a mess of things last week?”
“It was pretty bad. I’d never guess you could be so much of a disaster by how smooth and debonair you usually are.”
“Now I know you’re making fun of me. That’s hardly allowed, Emma, you naughty girl.”
I giggled, relieved by his humorous tone. This felt normal and at this moment I needed normal more than ever. “I’m not teasing you, I swear!”
“You better not be!” Gabriel dove for my neck, nibbling it while I shrieked. “That’s better, Emma. I love it when you smile, my love.”
My cheeks ripened with happy color. “Your smiles are my sun, Gabriel. I can’t survive without them.” The poetry of my words may have been bad, but the sentiments were real.
He gathered me closer and rested his chin on my head. “I feel exactly the same, Emma. Exactly.”
“So can you tell me why you’re confused too?”
His answer came immediately. “I’ve never met someone quite like you.” Gabriel shifted me further up in his arms. Our gazes met and held. “I’m not even sure what rules apply to you, Emma, and how I should go about enforcing them. Or if I even should.”
“Was it like that with the others?”
“No. They fit one compartment in my life until they didn’t. There was no confusion. Obey or leave. No other options. It was easier that way.”
Gabriel’s coldness seemed alien and nothing like how he’d ever been with me. I pitied his past lovers more than ever. “Why are you so confused with me?”
“Because I love you. How do I do the same things with someone I love? I haven’t figured out the answer to that, Emma. Especially because I only became that way after you.”
What Gabriel said meant that in a roundabout way it was my fault that he’d been so cruel to his past lovers. “I’m sorry that I didn’t believe you all those years ago.”
“It’s more than okay, Emma, because you believe me now.”
A pang pierced me. I did believe Gabriel even if I couldn’t myself trust completely.
“I don’t like the idea of you doing the same things with me as you did with them.”
He leaned close and said with a French accent, “Your jealousy is sexy.”
“I’m serious, Gabriel. I wouldn’t like it.”
“I know you wouldn’t, Emma. I feel exactly the same way.” Gabriel sighed. “I wished I had saved myself for you.”
This mournful statement had me laughing. “You’re kidding! I can’t believe you actually said that.”
“Well, it’s true. We’re both jealous and insecure over each other’s past because we’ve been madly in love since puberty.”
“I wouldn’t exactly say ‘madly’…”
“Madly, I say!”
His stern expression dared me to disagree. I covered my bubble of laughter with a cough. “As you say, Gabriel.”
“Say it.”
“We’ve been madly in love since forever. We’ve ruined each other for anyone else. Permanently. We will wither away and turn into dust without the other.”
Gabriel looked quite smug. “See? I knew you felt exactly the same way I do, Emma. Now what do to do about your naughtiness?”
“I’m not naughty!” Then in a smaller voice I whispered, “Am I?”
“You’re usually good, but every now and then…” He walked his fingers up my arm and across my shoulder. “You get a wild hair. I don’t help matters at all by not nipping it in the bud.”
Bad for You (Mad, Bad, & Dangerous to Love) Page 11