“So are you saying it’s my fault or what?”
He shrugged. “I have to take full responsibility because while you don’t know any better, I actually do. But I’m not quite sure what to do because I also quite like spoiling you, you see? Having you smile and laugh with me is the best feeling ever.” A wicked glint appeared in his eyes. “Second to having you moan my name, of course.”
And of course his words made me giddy and aroused, a complimentary combination indeed. “First, you say I’m naughty. Now you’re saying I’m spoiled. Am I really?”
“Rotten, Emma. Simply rotten.” Gabriel winked. “Again, it’s my fault obviously. I like doing it so much. How can I really complain?”
While his statements were delivered in a lighthearted fashion, I couldn’t help but feel a sting of criticism. I didn’t want to be a brat sub. Gretchen used to complain long and loud over them. They manipulated scenes for attention. They were purposely willful and disobedient. They reflected poorly on their doms. According to her, they were the worst.
Surely Gabriel would feel the same?
“Yes, but why do it if it’s going to make it harder for me to transition into your world? Eventually you’ll use it against me because eventually I’ll get on your nerves and then you’ll see me as a brat sub.”
Gabriel’s brows arched in surprise. “You’re too sweet, reasonable, and straight forward to be a bratty sub, Emma. I don’t fear that from you at all.”
“Yes, but it’d be easier—”
He quickly kissed me silent. “Ssh, ssh, Emma. Calm down, baby. You don’t have to worry about it so much.”
“But I do, Gabriel! I have to know what’s expected of me. I have to know what I’m supposed to do—”
He kissed me again. His sensuous lips served as an effective gag. “You have to know what you’re supposed to do so you can do it well. I realize that is important to you and it is to me—to a degree.” His shook his head with a rueful grin. “The difference between us is that I know I don’t need to solve all our problems right now.” He leaned close and whispered, “Have mercy on your brain, Emma, before you blow a fuse.”
I snorted and gazed upward. “Am I that obvious?”
“I can’t help but see the smoke coming out of your ears, baby. I’m afraid your brilliant brain is going to turn into mush because of it.”
My smile lasted a fleeting moment. Vulnerability still held me entirely too close.
“I’m sorry I’m making things so difficult for us. I want this, Gabriel, I do. It’s just that this confuses me until I don’t know which way is up. I don’t know exactly what I’m supposed to do and I hate that.”
I sounded petulant and whiny. My embarrassment couldn’t get any worse.
“Ssh, sweet girl. You’re doing just fine. Don’t forget we’re still learning our way around each other. You still love me, right?”
My body jellied, molding against his. “I love you so much, Gabriel. Do you still love me?”
“More than anything.” He stroked my arm. His touch soothed me, calming me easier than words could have. We stayed that way for many minutes before he cheerfully said, “Now about that spanking...”
NINE
I stiffened, losing my pliancy with that half-formed sentence. Gabriel easily picked me up and carried me over to his couch. I summoned all my dignity and pointed out “I really don’t think this is necessary.”
“And I do. In fact, I know you need it more than ever. Trust me, Emma.” He sat down and once more arranged me on his lap, this time facedown. I didn’t fight him, but I tried one more time to convince Gabriel that he was mistaken.
“I know it probably doesn’t seem like it, but I really didn’t have a bad day. I just wanted to say hello. I’ve already interrupted your work and I’m sure your assistant will be back at any moment. So how about we do this another time? I imagine it’s really not the right setting for it.” I looked back at him over my shoulder. “I mean, not that I’d really know about it. What I’m saying is I can only imagine. I already said that, didn’t I? Of course, I did…um, so…we can do this later, right?”
Gabriel listened to my nervous chatter with a bemused expression. “Since you’re so concerned about Rick, let me put your mind at rest. Rick will not re-enter this room until I specifically give him leave to. So relax, Emma. It’s just us.”
Any veneer of submission burned off as jealousy surged. I placed my hand on his knee and pushed up. “Why won’t he come in? Is he already used to your routine, Gabriel?” My words rolled off my tongue, scorching. “What am I asking for? Of course, he is. A woman comes in and it’s obvious why she’s there. I’m sure Embry made herself quite comfortable on this very couch.”
Was it a low blow to bring up Embry? Absolutely. Was I being judgmental and unfair? Absolutely. Did I care? Absolutely not. I wanted to avoid the weakness of my thoughts and jealousy gave me a new target.
If I was jealous, then I wasn’t scared. And if I wasn’t scared then I appeared confident and in charge of myself.
It was an incredibly foolish stance to take.
“You’ve definitely lost your ice cream privilege.” Gabriel’s perfect mouth turned in a frown. He lowered his lids, effectively hiding his gaze from mine. “In case you haven’t noticed, Emma, I’m running a fairly large business here. Do you think I’m the kind of man that has nothing better to do with his time than to have sex with women in his office?”
His question was not rhetorical. I didn’t trust myself to answer it directly. Gabriel was so comfortable playing with me—who’s to say he hadn’t had quite a few women here before me, including his tragic ex?
I claimed to have pushed Gabriel’s past aside, but it was painfully obvious it was still a sore spot with me.
And yes, I was being a jealous cow. And no, I still didn’t think I was being reasonable. And yes, being angry felt good in comparison to being enlightened for too brief of a time, for feeling inept and stupid and…
And unsure about everything. Of fearing that I couldn’t do this right. That I was bound to muck it up just like I’d already done in this room.
“Emma, I’m still waiting.”
“Answer my question, Gabriel, and then I’ll answer yours.”
“You will answer mine now, Emma.”
“I asked you first, Gabriel.”
“And I asked you last, Emma.”
Neither of us showed any signs of budging. Finally, I crossed my arms. I didn’t come to fight. It wasn’t his fault that I had a tendency to over-think things. Nor was it his fault that I hit the roof with little to no provocation.
“No, you don’t.”
“And?” Gabriel prompted with a trailing lilt.
“And I’m sorry for insinuating that you…had sex…with others here.”
“And?”
“And nothing.”
“Yes, something.”
“And you better spank me now before I get into more trouble.”
Gabriel tried to hold onto his thunderous frown. He failed. His pleasant expression made his next words even more menacing than they’d be otherwise. “I’m going to spank the piss out of you, Emma.”
“I’d rather you didn’t.”
“Too bad.”
“I’m sorry about what I said.”
“You will be.”
“I don’t really think you use your office as a bedroom.”
“You’re damned right I am not the kind of man who sleeps with women in this office. I probably won’t even sleep with you here until you become my official muse.”
“I like where—”
“Yes, yes. You like where you work. It’s rather repetitive, Emma.” Gabriel pushed me down over his lap. “I originally was going to give you a spanking to help you feel better. Now I’m going to give you one because you deserve it.”
It’s because of what I said, what my spiteful words accused him of. Maybe I did deserve it. Gabriel apparently believed so.
“I’d say you d
eserve this, don’t you?”
I closed my eyes and nodded. Gabriel instantly smacked me high on my right thigh. Hellfire burned.
“Answer with your words, Emma.”
“Yes!” I wanted to reach behind me and rub. I kept my hands to myself only by the slimmest margin.
“You come to visit me and then act like a brat. What a disappointment.”
“You just said you didn’t think I could be a brat sub!”
Gabriel kept his silence. The lack of words told everything. His disappointment raced through me. I hung my head and lay limply across his lap.
“Are you ready, Emma?”
I kept my answer short and to the point. “Yes.” I then braced myself for what was to come next.
Gabriel didn’t say anything else. He didn’t try to comfort me or prepare me for what to expect. He placed one hand on the small of my back. Gabriel spanked me, successfully hitting harder and harder after every few strikes.
I dug deep, concentrating on anything other than the pain radiating from my backside. I blocked out the rhythmic sounds, not letting it sway me from my thoughts. I recalled the upcoming tasks I needed to care of the next day. I ran through my grocery list. I thought of laundry. I remembered the chicken recipe I planned on making, carefully going through each item before going over it again.
Chicken breasts. Tomato. Green pepper. Onion.
Gabriel’s hand kept striking harder and harder. I bit my lip and then immediately swallowed a half-formed cry. Centering my entire focus on ignoring the burning sensations, I swallowed yet another cry, this time louder. Then another. And another one after that.
Lost in my conviction, I refused to let out a sound even as the blows rained down with fury. Worse, Gabriel's rhythm did not falter. He applied his punishing hand with the swiftness that hardly allowed me to draw breath.
Desperate, I added columns of simple figures in my head. I alternated them with spelling out words in my head.
Pulchritude. P. U. L. C. H. R. I. T. U. D. E. Pulchritude.
237 + 425…2…carry the one…6…6…662.
Fiendish. F. I. E. N. D. I. S. H. Fiendish. Ah!
1378 + 2789…7…carry the one…5 plus1…6…fuck! That hurt! 4…167.
Inamorato. I. N. A. M. Ah! O. R. A. Damnit! T. O. Inamorato.
I didn’t know how much more could take. Just when I thought I’d have to retreat deeper behind my walls out of self-preservation, it all stopped.
I waited, expecting more but grateful that it had finally stopped. After another non-eventful minute, I gingerly turned over. Gabriel met my questioning gaze but said nothing in answer.
“That’s it?”
“Yes, that’s it.”
This didn’t seem right. Although my ass burned like fire, something felt wrong. “You’re cutting it all a bit short, aren’t you?”
Gabriel made a noncommittal sound low in his throat. He lifted me up before standing. “We’re done here, Emma. You may leave if you wish. I will see you tonight if it’s still amenable to you.”
I was being dismissed. Politely dismissed, but dismissed nonetheless. “Wait! Why are you doing this?”
He tilted his head in question. “You won’t let me take care of you. There’s no point in going further.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Your mind isn’t in this. You went somewhere else instead of staying here with me.”
“I don’t…what do you mean?” How did Gabriel know? How did he always seem to know what was going on in my head?
“You’re blocking out the pain. If you don’t want to feel it, then you won’t get what this is all about. So there’s no point in continuing further.”
His explanation made no sense and only served to anger me. “What is this all about, Gabriel? I’m doing what you want. I’m not fighting you. I’m not trying to stop you. My ass is blistered all to hell and I’m sure I’ll be bruised for days!”
Gabriel remained polite, remote even. “You may be obeying me, Emma, but it’s in body only. I want your mind with me as well. Otherwise, there’s no point.”
My mind spun his words about, trying to understand what Gabriel wanted of me. “Do you want me to suffer?”
“I understand that’s why you might see it that way, but no. I’m not looking for your suffering, Emma. I’m looking for you to submit to the experience, to be fully present in what happens here. To face all your feelings and share them with me. That’s what I’m looking for, my love. And that is not what you want.”
Gabriel’s solemn tone filled me with despair. I swallowed down my knot of guilt. As always he was perceptive. Perhaps too perceptive. “You’re right, Gabriel. I did exactly what you say I did. I guest I was trying to prove how tough I was.”
He nodded, gorgeous gaze impassive with a hint of compassion lighting up their sparkling depths. “And trying to avoid feeling pain.”
I wouldn’t deny it. “And I was trying to avoid feeling pain.”
Gabriel cupped my cheek. The heat of his hand penetrated. Knowing why his palm was so hot sent an enigmatic flutter through me. “That’s why you’re lost, Emma. You’re constantly trying to block pain out and when that doesn’t work, you try to run away.”
“Nobody likes pain, right? It’s a normal reaction,” I argued feebly.
“Maybe, but it doesn’t mean it’s a good one.” Gabriel traced the outline of my lips. “I can’t let you do that when you’re with me, baby. Understand? You withdraw, everything stops. When we do this, then you have to be completely present. It’s a non-negotiable rule, Emma, and I can’t let you break it.”
“Okay.” I drew in a deep, shaky breath. “I’m never going to be able to do this, am I?”
“Of course, you are. You haven’t slapped me or burst into tears because I’ve been so damn mean to you. That makes you a winner in my book, baby.”
I took a step back. Already I missed his touch. “You haven’t been mean to me, Gabriel. Anything but.”
Gabriel dropped his arm. He watched me warily, seemingly expecting me to bolt. I couldn’t blame him. Running was what I did well and often.
“I want to do it again.”
“Perhaps another time—”
“No! Now.” I modulated my tone and swallowed my desperation. I could barely look him in the eye, knowing I’d easily broken another rule. He was supposed to be in charge of this. Not me. Still I pushed in the hopes I could redeem myself. “I need to do it again. Please, Gabriel. Let me do it again.”
“You don’t control your punishment, Emma. I do.”
“I understand.” I didn’t want to fail. Not again. I wanted to prove to Gabriel I was capable of doing this. I needed to show him. Although I wanted to argue my case, I wisely stopped talking. Instead, I stood in place and waited for my lover to decide if I could be trusted with another chance.
Just when I thought he would deny me, Gabriel granted me a short nod. “Very well. Sit down.” I immediately sank back onto the couch in relief. Gabriel then went to his desk. A mechanical whir sounded. I looked over my shoulder to see curtain blinds come down over the expansive wall of windows. Music filled the air, soft enough to be soothing but loud enough to perhaps cover any incidental sounds we might make?
I wonder why he didn’t do this from beginning. Unless he knew it would turn out this way?
Gabriel returned. He stood in front of me, quietly observing me with solemn regard. Although my nerves made me want to jump out of my skin, I sat still, gaze drifting towards my feet while waiting for his next move.
Did I make a mistake asking for this? I did. I know I did. Damnit! Mentally groaning, I wished I had never stepped foot in his office. I didn’t have to stay. In fact, it was better if I didn’t.
“Stand up,” he finally directed, voice gentle as ever.
I surged to my feet, not sure if I was obeying or rebelling. He took his place on the sofa and then patted his thighs.
I demanded this so why was I hesitating now? The world moved a
million miles a minute, too fast for me make it stop.
“Changing your mind again, Emma?”
“Of course not.” Without further hesitation I laid myself over his lap. Gabriel gathered my wrists in one hand. I startled. “Gabriel?”
“Yes, my love?”
“Why are you holding onto me like that?”
“Because you’ll struggle and fight. I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”
Okay, I got what I wanted. I got Gabriel to finish. Gretchen’s hints of fun spankings drifted through my mind like smoke. Obviously, nothing about this could be mistaken for a fun spanking.
“Are you ready?”
Deep breath. “Yes.” I stiffened before remembering to loosen my limbs. I wasn’t supposed to fight it. I wanted to prove to us both that I could do this. And I could.
But nothing happened. I lay there across his lap while time simply ticked away. Self-conscious to the core, I assumed this was another one of Gabriel’s games. He was determined to either outwait me or was testing me to see how long I’d lay there before saying something.
No way was I going to break.
Gabriel wanted me to be open to the experience, whatever that may be. I would do just as he asked. He waited in silence. So could I. Matching my breathing to the musical notes delicately layering the air, I narrowed my gaze on the fine stitching on his leather shoes.
Just when I reached number 57, Gabriel spoke.
“Who do you think just won our little game of chicken here, Emma? Was it you?”
Although his voice remained pleasant, I detected an edge of frustration. I had no interest in lying so I spoke honestly. “I’d say yes.” His hand tightened on my wrists before letting go.
“Because it was a competition between us, a battle of wills to see who’d break first. Bravo.”
“Thank you.” I wanted to sit up and face Gabriel so I could better judge his mood. I must’ve tensed my body before he pressed down on the small of my back in subtle warning.
“I already told you I’m not going to punish you tonight, Emma.”
Wisely swallowing my cries of protest, I waited for him to continue. Gabriel merely lifted me back onto my feet. I couldn’t hide my sharp disappointment.
Bad for You (Mad, Bad, & Dangerous to Love) Page 12