Finding Refuge

by Lucy Francis

  Why couldn’t he say it? He wanted to say it, to tell her he loved her more than anything, that he needed her more than he needed air. He wanted her here, wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

  He didn’t know how to break free. And it had just cost him everything.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Andri pulled into Rachel’s driveway on her way home from Travis’s place. Rachel answered the door, her expression darkening as she took in Andri’s appearance, and ushered her in to sit at the kitchen table. Rachel grabbed two spoons and a carton of moose tracks ice cream then dropped into the chair beside her.

  She handed Andri a spoon. “What the hell happened? You look awful.”

  Andri smiled weakly. “Thanks so much.”

  The ice cream really didn’t appeal to her until she’d swallowed a spoonful. Once she started eating and talking, the words gushed out of her. She told Rachel everything that had gone on and how she’d responded. “I feel terrible, Rach. You know how I feel about channeling my mother, but I couldn’t help it. The whole situation made me so angry!”

  Rachel swallowed and shook her head. “Andri, I have never, ever heard you yell at someone, unless they were ten rows down at the football stadium and you were trying to get their attention.”

  Andri thought about that for a moment. As much as she didn’t want to turn into her father, she even more vehemently did not wish to turn into her mother. She’d worked hard to excise the urge to scream while arguing from her system, but that urge had surfaced with a vengeance with Travis. She sighed. “I did raise my voice. I managed to not scream at him, though.”

  “Well, a raised voice he had coming. Probably had screaming coming too, but I know how much that bothers you, so I’m glad you held it back.”

  “Thanks.”

  Rachel’s brow furrowed. “Did you come straight here from the showdown?”

  Andri shook her head. “No. Pulled off the road for a world-class collapse and cry.”

  Rachel’s expression grew sorrowful. “I thought so. You look like you fell apart.”

  “I did. I’m just kind of numb inside now.” Andri sat back in her chair, setting her spoon on the table. “Did I do the wrong thing?”

  Rachel considered the remainder of the ice cream. Andri could practically see the wheels turning in her head. “You know, I think there wasn’t much else you could do.” She looked at Andri for a while, then sighed. “He wasn’t always this bad. I mean, yeah, carrying the weight of the free world on his shoulders? He’s done that as far back as I can remember. But everything that happened in his life added something to his burdens that he never let go. Danny’s issues hurt him. Melody hurt him and sort of shut him down, but I don’t think she did much more to him than any other painful event in his life.”

  “What happened? What did she do?” She needed to know, though gathering yet another piece of the puzzle that was Travis made her heart start to ache a little again.

  “To be honest, I don’t know. No one does. Travis refused to talk about it. I asked him once, and he just said, ‘She left.’ Knowing him, though, knowing how he throws his heart and soul into everything he does, that’s really all she had to do, especially with all the other shit he keeps bottled up inside. The fact that she walked away, on top of a pile of things he’s never let go, was enough to push him under.”

  Andri nodded slowly. That made sense. Especially if the correlation she’d put together before, between his mother and his ex, held true. “I love him, you know.”

  Rachel reached over and ruffled her hair. “I know.”

  “I believe that he wants to be with me.”

  “I’d be shocked if he didn’t.”

  Andri couldn’t shake the feeling that Rachel was hedging, holding back on something in this discussion. “I’d give anything to get to the bottom of Travis’s mind and understand why he puts so much on himself. There’s a genesis to all of this, I know there is.”

  Rachel looked away and shrugged. “It’s the mystery of the ages.”

  Andri’s eyes narrowed, reading her friend’s body language. “You know more than you want to tell me.”

  Rachel left the table, silence in her wake. She tossed the empty carton in the garbage under the sink and placed their spoons in the dishwasher. Andri followed her out onto the back deck and stood beside her friend at the railing, looking out over the dark yard, moonlight sparkling on the leaves and grass still wet from the storm that had blown through earlier.

  Rachel sighed and rubbed her eyes. “Andri. Has he ever told you about Jacob?”

  Her mind flashed back to the marker near Terrence’s plot. The unmentioned son. “His older brother, right?” At Rachel’s nod, she said, “I read his headstone at the cemetery. He died young.”

  “Yes, he did. When the time comes that you talk to Travis again, ask him about Jacob. And tell him I love him and it’s for his own good that I mentioned it.”

  A shiver ran down Andri’s spine, and at that moment, she wasn’t altogether certain she wanted to know the story of Jacob after all.

  ****

  Travis stared at his phone for the hundredth time. That was an improvement. The first day without Andri, he’d stared at it for hours at a time, willing her to call, to text. The next few days after that, he’d stared trying to convince himself to call or text her. But she didn’t want to talk to him right now, and he’d respect her wishes, even if it drained out every drop of color and light and warmth in his life.

  He climbed out of his truck and grabbed his tool belt. It was hotter than hell today, but he couldn’t stomach being in the office. The framing crew made room for him, accepting him on the team to get walls built and lifted on this custom home.

  Andri was right, he thought as he worked. He was broken. He’d known it for a long time, deep down, but he’d used all his strength to run from the truth, as if by ignoring it and acting as if he was fine, and making everyone around him fine, that his own truth would change.

  It hadn’t.

  The biggest problem with being broken, aside from leaving him with nothing to give Andri, was that he couldn’t go back to what he’d been. He couldn’t be the Travis who stuffed everything away and pretended it was all okay. He had one option at this point. He could face himself and try to find a way to build something new.

  He was at the bottom of a deep, dark pit, but fortunately, that bottom was bedrock. No way for him to dig deeper. This was as far as he could drop. Funny. He’d always imagined he’d shatter completely if he fell this far. Yes, he was in pieces, but he wasn’t disintegrating. There were actual pieces to rebuild and shape into something better. That gave him hope.

  And Andri? His muscles strained as he and two other guys lifted a wall into place. That whisper from the darkest part of him still lived, and it said Andri’d never want him again. Not broken, not repaired. But he examined the delicate image of her in his mind. The smile that never failed to send a bolt of sunshine through his heart. Her intelligence, patience, wisdom.

  She understood him better than anyone had. Only now did he realize that when someone knew you that well, they could show you truths about yourself that you didn’t like. She didn’t do it to be cruel, but because that’s what someone who loved you was supposed to do. Help you see your own reality and make it better. Or appreciate what you had in the first place.

  And she did love him. It startled him to realize that he didn’t question her declaration in any way. It was a fact. Simple, pure. She loved him, even when she saw his weaknesses. Of course, she didn’t know the worst of his failures yet. But where he lacked faith in himself, he realized he did have faith in her. In her love for him.

  Pedro, one of his head framers, stopped on his way to the open doorway. He looked worried, but smiled, his teeth white against his dark-tanned skin and black mustache. “Hey, boss. Lunch time. Lupe sent me with tamales today, but no way I’m gonna eat so many. Why don’t you come help me out, huh?”

  Travis paused for
a moment, then laid the nail gun on the plywood floor and gave Pedro a half-smile. “Sounds good.” He hadn’t eaten well in days, but if he was going to do the work to get his head on straight, he’d need some food in his system.

  And he definitely had work to do before he returned to Andri. All he could do was pray she was still there when that time came.

  ****

  Travis noticed Danny in the office every day, starting a week after the funeral. With his workload, he spoke to his brother only in brief sentences, always about work, and rarely in person. Something had to change. One evening, after everyone else had gone and the sound of some alternative band with a fierce beat thumped on the airwaves from his brother’s office, Travis walked in to see him.

  Dan looked up from his desk where he sat reading a letter, then pressed the button to turn off the speakers. “What’s up?”

  His brother had changed, and Travis was ashamed to realize he didn’t know when it had happened. Danny had cut his long hair just shy of military short, making the angles of his face that much more defined. He’d added another thick, solid slash and sharp curves to the heavy black tattoo on his left arm, newly visible below his t-shirt sleeve. Enduring that much ink had to hurt like hell. Travis shoved his hands in his jeans pockets. “How’s it going?”

  Danny’s brow furrowed. “On which job?”

  “No, not work-wise. How are things with you?”

  He shrugged, his well-worn defiant expression appearing. “Good. Clean. Mostly sober. Nothing for you to worry about.”

  The bite in Danny’s voice hurt. He remembered that moment when Andri asked him if he ever really spent time with his brother on a personal level. Shame burned in his gut when he faced the truth head-on. No. He didn’t. It had become all about battling the addiction.

  He’d kept the pamphlets and other handouts he’d found on his father’s desk. Last night, he’d taken the time to read them, with an open mind, trying to learn. His brother had a long way to go to heal. So did he. This was only the first of many changes he needed to make.

  “Danny.” He pulled up a chair and dropped into it, putting himself level with his brother. “Can we just talk for a bit? For real?”

  Danny eyed him with suspicion. “Why?”

  “Because I’ve been so busy trying to act like a keeper that I’ve forgotten how to be a brother. And I’d really like to know how you’re doing.”

  Danny sat back. He stared at his desk for a moment, myriad emotions flashing across his sharp features. Travis forced himself to wait patiently while his brother worked through things in his own head. Finally, he looked up and gave Travis the first genuine smile, tentative but real, that he’d seen from Danny in a very long time.

  “I’m getting there, Trav. But, I…this time I’m approaching it for real. I’m trying to get the depression handled. I’ve started on a new prescription.”

  Wow. In the world of Danny, admitting he needed help and then actually taking that help, especially antidepressants, was huge. “That’s great.”

  “Yeah. I have a good doc. He told me to hang in there, and if this one doesn’t work, there are other options. He promised we’ll figure it out if I’m willing to work with him. And I have my twelve-step sponsor, and the counselor he referred me to. I think I can do this, you know? And I have to. I, um…”

  His voice wavered, then died. He scrubbed a hand across his short hair in a motion very familiar to Travis. “I promised Dad. When he drove me home that night. He drove two hours to pick me up when all I wanted was money to keep playing. And, of all things, he said he was proud of me for not falling too far that time. Can you believe that? Just because I wasn’t totally blitzed when I called him. Made me feel like shit.”

  The sheer loathing in Danny’s voice made Travis’s heart ache. “I can only imagine.”

  Danny drew a shuddering breath. “I wanted to make him proud for real. So, in the hospital, I promised him.” His eyes were red when he lifted his gaze to meet Travis’s. “Can I ask you a question, Trav?”

  He swallowed hard, unsure if his voice would work through the lump in his throat. “Yeah?”

  Danny fell silent for a moment, then finally said, “It feels like my fault that Dad’s dead. Maybe, if I hadn’t called that night, if he hadn’t made that drive. I mean, I shouldn’t have put that stress on him.”

  Compassion pressed hard on Travis’s chest. “Dan, don’t. It’s not your fault. But I understand. I feel like it’s my fault too.”

  Danny’s brow creased in confusion. “Why?”

  No way in hell would he say because I told you to call him, though he did feel terrible guilt about that. It wouldn’t make Danny feel better in any way, so he kept it to himself. “Because I knew he wasn’t feeling well, and I tried to get him in for a checkup. I should have tried harder, or taken him myself.”

  Danny cocked his head to the side, looking at him. “Travis, just because you’re the oldest son doesn’t mean everything is your responsibility. If Dad knew he wasn’t well, he should have gone to the doctor. That’s his error, not yours, not by a long shot. And Mother had to know he wasn’t doing so hot, She could have said something. Hell, maybe she did. Dad was stubborn. He probably didn’t listen to her either.”

  Travis thought about that for a while. “It still feels like my fault.”

  “Still feels like mine.”

  After a moment of silence, Travis gave voice to something his office manager had suggested to him the other day, when she’d noticed him struggling. “Maybe it’s not anyone’s fault. Maybe it’s just one of those awful damn things that happens.”

  Somehow it felt too easy to call it one of those things.

  Danny considered the idea for a moment. “Nobody’s fault? I’ve used that to excuse a lot of things when it wasn’t true.”

  “Yeah, I know. But maybe this time it is the truth. It’s kind of a strange concept for me, but I think I might try it on for size. See how it feels.”

  Danny nodded. “I think you should. Probably be good for you.”

  Travis smiled, surprised at how good a little brotherly absolution made him feel. Then he sobered. “Danny, can you forgive me for not really being there as a brother?”

  Danny blew out a breath, shaking his head. “Trav, you’ve always been there. Maybe not always the way I wanted you to be, but you’ve been there anyway. Besides, I understand why you are the way you are.”

  Travis frowned. “What are you talking about?”

  “You try to save me because of Jacob.”

  His gut churned, darkness and sludge filling him. “I worry about you for your own sake, Dan.”

  “I believe that. But, I’ve watched you try to wrangle with the memory of Jacob all these years. I know you thought no one noticed. I did, though.”

  Travis sat in stunned silence. He’d tried so hard to keep that first, greatest failing shoved down in the darkest recesses of his soul. How the hell had Danny seen it? How could he have known what he struggled with, when Danny was little more than a toddler when it happened? “It’s a lot to wrangle with.”

  “Doesn’t need to be. That wasn’t your fault, any more than Dad, or my ration of shit was your fault or responsibility.”

  “You and I obviously remember things differently.”

  “Then you need to think about it with a clearer vision.”

  “Danny, you were five.”

  Danny laughed without humor in it. “And you were ten. You were ten, and he was sixteen. Think about that, Trav.” Danny leaned toward him over the desk. “Seriously. Put it in perspective. You were ten, just like cousin Holly’s twins. A scrawny ten-year-old versus a kid twice your size, a teenager with a death wish. What exactly do you think you could have done to stop him? How can you imagine it could’ve gone differently?”

  The shock sent a cold sweat breaking over his skin. Danny broke down the most awful part of his life from a polar opposite point of view and it left him speechless. His thoughts churned. Yes, he’d only
been ten, but he remembered everything with such clarity…didn’t he? Had he ever put his age in context?

  “I never really thought of it like that.” Holly’s kids were cute, precocious, and entertaining to listen to for a while between their moments of annoying, but they were children. The difference between them and his cousin Sean, who’d turned sixteen in January—damn, they were a world apart. In his memories, he and Jacob were on the same level, but how could they have been, really?

  He’d become the eldest son after Jacob died, and Dad had impressed on him the understanding of responsibility that came with being the oldest. Had that all run together until it became exaggerated and twisted inside him?

  It left him unsettled, with a great deal to think about. He was starting to see that much of the torture he’d suffered over the years might have been self-inflicted. And here he thought Danny was the one with all the issues. His brother’s were just more obvious than his own.

  He shook himself free from thoughts he knew he’d have to go back to before he could completely let them go. “Dan, do you want to go do something sometime?”

  His brother grinned, but gave Travis a non-committal shrug. “Dunno. Are you any fun to hang out with?”

  “I have my moments. Do you still waterski?” It shamed him to realize he didn’t know what Danny enjoyed anymore.

  “No. I like to hike though.”

  Travis stood and stretched. “I haven’t bagged a peak in a while. Want to go climb a mountain next week?”

  Danny’s eyes lit up. “Pfeifferhorn? That should kick both our asses.”

  He stifled a groan. That was a bit more mountain than he had in mind, but it could’ve been worse. At least Danny didn’t suggest Lone Peak. “You’re on.”

  ****

  Travis found his mother one Friday morning, standing in front of her wild flower garden, gloves and floppy sunhat in one hand. Travis had checked on her every day in the weeks since the funeral. She wasn’t coping terribly well, but then, who among them was? He waited for a moment, watching her as she stared at the beds, as if she wasn’t really seeing them. He didn’t think she’d seen him, either, until she spoke.