The Vexation of Vampires (Penny White Book 5)

by Chrys Cymri

  The last had been directed at me. ‘I’ll put some on.’

  ‘Great, thank you. I’ll take some coffee and go dry my hair. “Through the days, wherever we travel, you’ll never be far from my side, because you’re mine forever. Nothing you do could lose me, because you’re mine forever.”’

  Her voice dimmed as she went back up the stairs. I rubbed my forehead, wondering how much of my headache I could blame on last night’s whisky. As I lowered my hand, I found that James was looking at the still open door. He turned wide eyes to meet mine. ‘What on earth was that?’

  ‘Skylar,’ Clyde reminded him. He flushed pink. ‘Sings!’

  ‘She certainly does,’ I said. ‘I just wish she’d wait until I’ve had two cups of coffee, or after 9am. Preferably both.’

  James and Jago left while I concentrated on making porridge for two. Morey arrived, and I poured him some coffee. When Skylar joined us again, she was dressed in a pink clerical shirt and an even brighter pink skirt. I made a mental note to make sure that I didn’t accidentally throw James’ white underwear into the same washing load as her clothing. I couldn’t see him being best pleased if his y-fronts came out the same colour.

  The four of us said Morning Prayer together in my office. As we sang the hymn, I felt my own contribution to ‘Christ, whose glory fills the skies’ woefully inadequate alongside Morey’s deep baritone, Clyde’s clear tenor, and Skylar’s soaring soprano.

  When we’d finished our prayers, we returned to the kitchen to refill mugs. Skylar went upstairs to once again look for her iPad. Clyde slid outside, and I watched him join his fellow snail sharks before I glanced at my Associate. ‘I’m going to take Skylar to see the parish,’ I told Morey. ‘Do you want to come with us?’

  The gryphon’s tail snapped a fierce negative. ‘You let Jago go with James to London.’

  ‘It was Jago’s choice…’

  ‘Black.’ Morey’s voice was dripping with sarcastic patience. ‘You know what your brother is like.’

  ‘He left Jago to watch TV.’

  ‘Before, during, or after he brought any conquest back to his hotel room?’

  I nearly crumbled under his glare. Then I drew up myself up to my full height. ‘Jago has chosen James as his exemplar. He’s out of your hands--um, talons. Your son has to make his own choices now.’

  Morey sniffed loudly. ‘So long as it doesn’t include trying to bed any woman who gives him so much as a smile.’

  ‘Jago will be fine,’ I assured him. ‘Rosie’s expecting us at 10am. Are you coming?’

  ‘I was going to. I think I need to go upstairs and have a long talk with my son instead.’

  So only the two of us set off in my ancient car. The engine coughed into life after my third attempt, and I wondered if I would have to take Peter up on his offer. ‘Your car is nice,’ I said to Skylar as we drove through the housing estate.

  ‘Bought it a month ago. Downside to eating solid food, means I can’t fly. Then there’s the problem of finding clothes afterwards. So Bishop Aeron arranged a loan so I could get a car. I had lessons last time I visited England, so that was all okay. Insurance costs a fortune, though, doesn't it? Is all this in your parish?’

  ‘Most of the regular congregation comes from the village, Beckeridge.’ I frowned. ‘The parish boundaries were extended to include the new housing development. I think the plan was that we’d gain extra worshippers that way. Hasn’t really worked out.’

  ‘What sort of worship do you offer? Because families like something lively, don’t they, and loos and kitchens? Do you have a loo? And what about parking? Have you offered anything like Messy Church? What about young people?’

  I patiently answered her questions one by one as we drove into Northampton. Like me, Rosie lived outside the parish. We were a few minutes late, but my associate priest brushed aside my apologies as she ushered us into her small semi-detached house.

  We stayed for an hour. I sat back with my cup of tea while Skylar peppered Rosie with questions, praised Linda’s lemon drizzle cake, and fussed over Magnificat. The tortoiseshell cat made herself at home on my curate’s lap, and complained loudly when Skylar excused herself to make a visit to the loo.

  ‘Well?’ I asked Rosie when the door was safely shut. ‘What do you think?’

  Rosie tilted her head. Her green eyes twinkled under her fringe of grey hair. ‘Never have I heard so much from a person, and yet learned so little about her.’

  ‘Except she can talk the proverbial off a donkey.’

  Rosie laughed. ‘But Magnificat likes her. That’s always my litmus test. She’ll be fine. And it’ll be interesting to find out.’

  ‘Find out what?’ I asked.

  ‘Why she protects herself with so many words,’ Rosie said. ‘Have you told her yet? About the colony of vampires in the church?’

  ‘Not yet. I thought it would be a nice surprise for her.’

  At that moment the door swung open again. ‘What a lovely bathroom,’ Skylar said. ‘I love the whole seaside theme. And that great quote about being the lighthouse in someone else’s storm. I might have to use that in a sermon sometime. If that’s okay with you, Rosie?’

  Rosie shrugged. ‘I didn’t invent it, so it’s free to use.’

  I learned more than I’d ever wanted to know about lighthouses as I drove us into the village. ‘And which is your favourite?’ I asked in a momentary pause.

  ‘My favourite what?’

  ‘Lighthouse.’

  ‘Oh, I’ve not seen enough to decide,’ she said breezily. ‘I’ve mostly just read about them.’

  The car grumbled as it toiled up the slight hill. I parked near the church, and dug in the boot for the keys. When I straightened, I felt the air leave my lungs as I saw Holly striding determinedly towards us.

  Skylar stepped into her path. ‘Hi, I’m Skylar Grey, I’m going to be the curate of this parish. Great to meet you, you’re the churchwarden, aren’t you? I saw your photo on the church website. Wonderful job you’re doing here, and it must be even harder because you don’t have a second churchwarden.’

  Holly shook her hand, then wiped her palm on her grey jumper. The older woman’s eyes swept over Skylar’s brightly dressed figure. ‘Yes. We’d heard a curate was coming. When are you due?’

  Skylar stared at her. ‘What?’

  ‘Pregnant, aren’t you?’

  The vampire laughed. ‘Oh, no, I’m not pregnant. I’m not even married, so of course I’m still a virgin! It’s food, really, I love my food.’

  Holly sniffed. ‘I suggest you might want to love it a bit less.’

  ‘And Holly’s done a great job with the repairs inside the building,’ I said quickly, although Skylar seemed amused rather than annoyed. ‘Let’s go inside and have a look. I’m sure you have better things to do, Holly. We’ll drop by to see you afterwards?’

  ‘Nonsense,’ Holly said. ‘I’ve been churchwarden for over thirty years. I’ll show our new curate around the church.’

  I could only hope that the vampire colony in the building remembered their strict instructions and did not change shape in front of my churchwarden. Proper introductions to Skylar would have to wait.

  Our shoes crunched against gravel as we walked down the path. ‘St Wulfram’s is over eight hundred years old,’ I told Skylar as Holly unlocked the heavy north door. ‘There are only three churches in England dedicated to Wulfram. His feast day is on 20 March.’

  In the bright spring sunshine, the interior of the small church all but glowed. I took a deep breath of the smell of furniture polish, and smiled at the gleam of the newly restored pews.

  ‘Vandals attacked the church about a month ago,’ Holly told Skylar as we walked down the small set of steps and into the central aisle. ‘They’ve not yet been caught. I pray every night that they might be brought to justice. Or that their houses burn down. That would do.’

  As the culprits had been a rabble of snail sharks, I feared that Holly might be praying in va
in for many months to come.

  A rustle from above the chancel warned me that the vampires were present. ‘The bats are still here?’ I asked loudly. ‘They stay asleep during the day, don’t they?’

  ‘Still here,’ Holly agreed glumly. ‘But at least the droppings aren’t as bad as they once were.’

  Skylar halted and turned towards me. ‘Bats? Do you mean--’

  ‘Bats,’ I interrupted quickly, jerking my chin towards Holly.

  ‘You don’t understand,’ Skylar said. ‘If they’re--’

  A cacophony of squeals and shrieks filled the church. Then a cloud of bats dropped from the ceiling and windows. Holly yelled and flapped her arms as the small black bodies flew towards us. But the object of their attention was Skylar. They hurtled into her hair and against her body. To my horror, their teeth flashed as they ripped into her skin and clothing.

  Chapter Nine

  ‘Out, out, out!’ I shouted at Skylar and Holly. Neither woman put up an argument. Holly was first out the door, Skylar fast on her heels. I raised my voice. ‘Bats, stay!’

  The colony peeled away from my curate as she exited the church. Skylar did show the presence of mind to slam the door shut behind her. I ducked as the bats passed back overhead and returned to their position in the chancel.

  ‘Shut up, all of you!’ My shout succeeded in stilling them. ‘Send down your magister. I want a word with him!’

  Renewed squeaks broke out above me. I held my ground. After a minute of high-pitched debate, one bat fluttered down and landed in front of the altar. A middle-aged man rose to his feet. I kept my eyes on his bearded face, trying to ignore the fact that he looked like the Roger Delgado version of the Master. His voice was deep and velvety. ‘Summoned, I come.’

  ‘May I have the holding of your name?’

  ‘Angwyn Gafr.’ He executed a small bow.

  I studied him. ‘So you’re related to the previous magister, Brenin?’

  ‘We’re of the same blood type,’ he agreed. ‘Do not bring that ionc in here again.’

  ‘She’s the new curate here,’ I said steadily, ‘so she’ll be in this church at least once a week. What do you have against her?’

  ‘She’s not of our colony, and none of us share her blood type.’

  ‘But she’s a vampire,’ I said. ‘She’s one of you.’

  ‘She’s entirely not one of us,’ Angwyn declared, the rest of the colony squealing in support. ‘And she smells of carrion. She’s sacrificed flight for the sake of her stomach.’

  ‘She has the right to make that choice for herself.’ I took a step back. Angwyn was very tall, and my neck was beginning to ache from trying to look him in the eyes. ‘Skylar will be in this church again, and you’re to leave her alone. Do you understand me?’

  ‘She’s a Grey.’ The name was all but spat out. ‘You can’t expect us to share breath with a Grey.’

  I studied him for a moment. ‘I never told you her surname. How did you know it?’

  ‘We would know the stink of a Grey anywhere. Even if overlaid with the stench of carrion.’

  ‘Then hold your nose and swallow your prejudices,’ I said sternly. ‘Or leave this church.’

  Anguished chittering broke out above us. Angwyn’s shoulders drooped, and he turned his head away. ‘We will tolerate her presence, Father Penny. Please don’t exile us.’

  ‘No, no, I’m not going to do that,’ I hurried to assure him. ‘This is God’s house, and everyone is welcome here. Just please remember that the next time Skylar steps inside.’

  ‘We will, Father Penny.’ He cleared his throat. ‘But do you mind if we leave before services?’

  ‘I thought some of the colony were asking about baptism?’

  ‘We are.’

  ‘Then you stay for services.’ I opened my arms wide. ‘The Church is the body of Christ. In baptism, you all become part of that one body. No one is excluded. Not one single person. We are all called to live together as one family. Understood?’

  ‘Understood, Father Penny.’ As he straightened, a crafty look in his eyes reminded me more than ever of the Master. ‘Does baptism give us more right to the Church of England?’

  ‘The Church is here for everyone. But baptism is a way to declare that you want to be a member. There are certain rights to being a member.’ I waggled a finger at him. ‘There are also responsibilities.’

  ‘Yes, Father Penny. Understood, Father Penny.’

  ‘Good.’

  Angwyn gave me one last bow. Then he shifted to bat shape and flew up to join his colony. I turned my back on the renewed squeaking and made my way out of the church.

  Holly was waiting near the door, Skylar at her side. ‘That’s it,’ the churchwarden fumed. ‘We’re getting rid of those bats. Can’t be having this.’

  ‘They’re protected by law,’ I reminded her.

  ‘St Matthew’s had a high mass, and that got rid of theirs.’ Holly nodded. ‘That’s it, vicar. A proper high mass. I cleaned the thurible just last week.’

  ‘Bells and smells,’ I pointed out, ‘would not only clear out the bats, but at least half of the congregation. The bats stay. I don’t think they’ll attack anyone again.’

  ‘Why not?’

  Sometimes there was no alternative but to lie. ‘Because I prayed long and hard. God will hold back the bats.’

  ‘I'd love a cup of tea,’ Skylar said in a low voice.

  ‘My house is just round the corner,’ Holly said. There was a warmth in her voice that I’d never heard before. ‘You’ve had a bit of a shock. Come with me for a sit down and a cuppa. I baked this morning. Do you like Madeira cake?’

  ‘Yes, lots.’

  My mouth was watering. But Holly gave me a glare when I started to follow them. ‘Mrs Jones could use a visit, Vicar. Just you make sure you lock the church up first.’

  <><><><><><>

  So, over an hour and two mugs of stewed tea later, I met Skylar at the car and drove us back to the vicarage. ‘And the cake was fantastic,’ my curate said happily as we left the village. ‘So moist and fresh! The tea was a special blend, Holly says she gets it from Harrods. Did you know that one of her sons is a manager there? The other works in Dubai, he’s in construction, two kids. Means she hardly ever sees her grandchildren, since she’s got a phobia about flying and he’s too busy to get over much. She’s lived on her own since her husband died ten years ago and I think she’s just very, very lonely. The church is her life, now.’

  ‘To the detriment of the church,’ I muttered.

  ‘I like her,’ Skylar declared. ‘And not just for her cake, although that was delicious, and I want that tea blend, but because she really cares what happens in this parish. She’s a great churchwarden, isn’t she? So dedicated. Did you know she visits everyone on the electoral list at least once a year?’

  ‘No idea,’ I admitted.

  By the time we pulled up on the vicarage drive, I was wondering how long it would be before Skylar would declare my churchwarden to be a saint. Curates, I reminded myself, often had an easier relationship with church members than the vicar. They weren’t the ones who made upsetting decisions, like using modern language at family services and introducing worship songs.

  ‘About St Wulfram’s,’ I said, turning off the engine. ‘I’ve had a word with the magister. The colony won’t attack you again.’

  ‘I know they won’t.’ Skylar was looking out the window, her gaze fixed on the neighbour trimming his lawn. ‘The magister won’t risk the colony being made homeless.’

  ‘Homeless?’ Her shoulders were stiff, and I wished she would meet my eyes. ‘Is that why they’re here? Instead of Lloegyr?’

  ‘People cross over for all sorts of reasons.’

  ‘Okay. But could you explain one thing to me? What’s this about not sharing the same blood type?’

  ‘Oh, that’s easy.’ Skylar turned to grin at me. ‘We’re born into a colony, but we also relate across colonies depending on our blood type. I
’m a Grey, for example, a very rare one so there aren’t that many of us about. I smelled at least five blood types in St Wulfram’s, namely Gafr, Blaidd, Brân, Llwynog, and Arth. You’re either born into a colony, or adopted into a new one if others with your blood type sponsor you.’

  ‘And what about you?’ I asked. ‘Where’s your colony?’

  ‘Don't have one. My parents died when I was a pup, and that’s why I was adopted.’ The smile had slipped for a moment. Then it flashed back into place, even stronger than before. ‘A really great elf couple, the husband found me when I was at the foot of the tree and he took me in. Cynwrig and his wife, Eres, wonderful people, they became my mam and tad. I couldn’t have asked for better, they raised me as their own, and I had a wonderful childhood. Two brothers, too, also elves, and you should’ve seen us at school, always getting into trouble.’

  Her right hand was gripping the edge of the car seat. ‘Sounds like a lovely family,’ I agreed as I rummaged in my pockets. A click of metal upon metal helped me to find the spare set of keys. ‘I need to go have a chat with someone, so let yourself into the house. Smaller one is for the top lock, larger for the bottom. The door locks automatically when you close it. I’ll be back in a few hours. How about you work on writing a sermon for Sunday after next? It’d be a good way to introduce you to the congregation.’