by Allie Adams
“I'm not going to drop you anywhere. This isn't about us. This is about keeping you safe. We can discuss our relationship later.”
“Now isn't that so you?” she countered viciously, her hurt surfacing once more. “Always finding a way to not talk about it. You promised me we'd talk about it, but then you were called away on a find.”
He worked his jaw as he stared straight ahead. “I can't help when I'm called away.”
“Before that, your answer was always 'nothing.'“
“I couldn't say anything.”
“You have an excuse for everything, don't you?”
His jaw tensed even further and his breathing deepened, most likely in an attempt to contain his temper. It was safe to say she'd pushed him beyond the threshold and now she felt like hell because of it. He was doing everything to keep her safe and she thanked him by treating him like shit.
“Kathryn, would you listen to yourself? I'm trying to keep you alive. Don't you get it? We're running for our lives here. Everything else can wait.”
She hated that he was right. “Fine, but I'm still not going back to your house.”
He jerked the car over to the side of the road and stopped. Kat shrank back against the door when the look in his dark, stormy eyes made her wonder whether she would have been safer back at her apartment.
“Now you listen to me,” he started, precariously low and even. Not a good sign. When Spencer got pissed, he yelled. He barked orders. He paced wildly. But he only spoke in the tone he used now when he got dangerous. “I know what I did to you was wrong. I know I hurt you. I've told you I'm sorry. I've asked for your forgiveness several times and you said no. I. Got. It.”
“You screwed me over, Spencer. You may think you did me some sort of a favor by not telling me what really happened. That's not even the point. You led me to believe we were too late. You didn't just let me down. You betrayed every person on that search.”
When he kept his gaze fixed on the dash, she went on. “They all busted their ass looking for that man and you had them running around in circles from the directions you gave me. They bust their ass at every search. Where else are we going to find people who get up in the middle of the night and rush out into the bitter cold to look for a complete stranger?”
“What the fuck do you have against me protecting people I care about?”
She flinched at his tone, so cold and exact.
He softened his voice. “I was doing it to protect them. I'd rather have K-SAR running around in circles miles away from the subject than in the line of fire.”
“This isn't about me anymore, although that doesn't help your cause. It's the fact you let them all think they were too late. I wasn't the only one devastated by that search. If the K-SAR team ever found out what you did they'd treat you a hell of a lot worse.”
His expression eased ever so slightly. “So why are you treating me differently?”
Her heart bounced painfully. “Because I loved you.”
He lowered his gaze, his jaw tensing and relaxing along with his deep breathing. “And now?”
“I hate you.” As soon as she let the words slip, she regretted them and closed her eyes against the pain as it consumed her.
She didn't think it possible, but she found three words that did more damage than I love you. She expected him to throw some sort of rage-induced tantrum. Scream at her with his favorite obscenities. But he didn't do any of that. Stealing a glance at him, her breath hitched when he drew in a sharp breath and nodded curtly.
Her heart collapsed on itself as the weight of what she said sank in. Her guilt made it hard for her to hold her tears back. She couldn't believe it. His fight, the spark in his eyes, all faded to nothing. Just like that. Because of her. Her chin quivered. She desperately wanted to say something to bring that light back. She couldn't stand it if he gave up on her on top of everything else.
Jesus. What was she doing? To him? To her? She'd nearly died tonight. That put a few things into perspective.
“Spence?”
Without a word, he pulled the car back onto the road. He didn't look at her, didn't acknowledge her sitting next to him. Nothing. The silence was more than Kat could take.
“Spencer?” Her breath caught in her throat when he brought his hand up. She snapped her mouth shut.
He flipped on the radio. Of course he had it on some Country/Western station. He loved his country music. Kat concentrated on the words to clear her thoughts.
A song about regret filled the airwaves. She turned the station. More country music filled the car. This time a song about the perfect match. Best friends and all that. Kat groaned and turned the station again. And again. And again. Something else they didn't have in common. He hated her American Idol soundtracks and she couldn't stand country.
“Would you just settle on one?” he barked.
She found some smooth jazz, a song with no words. She closed her eyes and listened to the music.
The last sound she heard before drifting off was the sound of Spencer's teeth grinding together above everything else.
TWENTY-SEVEN
Kat felt a nudge to her shoulder and blinked awake. She lifted her head off the back of the seat and looked around. They were in the parking lot of a motel she didn't recognize.
Spencer stepped out of the car. “Here we are. Home sweet… Uh… Yeah.”
It looked like one of those motels from CSI where they'd get called out to investigate a murder. As she slowly glanced around, she searched for the yellow DO NOT CROSS tape. “What are we doing here?”
His expression hardened as he set his jaw. “You didn't want me to take you to my house, remember?”
“What about a Best Western? Or a Marriott?” This place gave her the creeps and she hadn't even stepped out of the car.
“Too obvious.”
Her mouth fell open. “Too obvious? Spencer, I'd never stay at a place like this.”
He nodded. “Exactly.”
Damn him. He didn't have to look so smug. “I'm not staying here. The Bates Motel would be more welcoming.”
“Well, since you didn't give me any other choice, I'm giving you that same consideration.” His tone sliced right into her heart.
A pang of guilt hit her hard. She'd been such a bitch to him. Enough was enough. It wasn't her, and the role she played grated on her nerves. She didn't like this person she'd turned into. She could only imagine how he must feel toward her right now.
“Stay here. Keep the doors locked.” He hesitated, but then instead slammed the door, locked her in, and then walked up to the office. She watched him disappear inside and could see him through the window as he spoke with the clerk. Spencer nodded a few times and brought out his wallet, paying in cash. He then came back to the car.
“I've got us a room.” He grabbed her bag out of the back and went to her door. After opening it, he reached in to help her out.
“A single room?”
He audibly growled as his jaw tensed and Kat knew better than to push the issue. After the night she'd just had, having Spencer in the same motel room was the least of her worries. “That's fine.”
“I wasn't asking your permission,” he snapped and led the way. Kat numbly followed. She deserved that one.
They stopped in front of a faded blue door, its numbers on a tarnished brass plaque hanging sideways by a single nail. As Spencer opened the door, the plaque made an eerie metal-to-metal scraping noise. Her spine crawled.
As he turned on lights she had a chance to look around. It was dismal, smelled like old socks, and she knew better than to touch anything. But what really caught her attention was the small bed poised up against the far wall. It wasn't any bigger than a glorified twin and another chill raced across her flesh, along with a skip in her pulse. If they attempted to share that bed, she'd end up tangled in the arms of a very pissed Spencer. She'd want to comfort him. Maybe a little kiss. He'd kiss her back. She'd lose herself in him and he'd definitely find a way inside he
r.
“It's all they had. You take the bed,” he grumbled after bolting the door. “I'll sleep in the tub.” He walked into the bathroom and slammed the door behind him.
She fell onto the bed and pulled her knees to her chest as she leaned against the wall. She wasn't going to cry, damn it. She was not going to cry. The raw lump expanded in her throat and she fought hard to keep it down. When her eyes swelled with burning tears, she blinked and angrily wiped them away.
Stop it!
It was no use. The lump demanded to be free. The burning tears flowed. Too weak to fight it, she released a painful sob and dropped her head to her knees. The weight of everything that had happened caught up with her. This past week. This past year. Her baby being blown up. The sobs came faster and harder as she allowed the anguish to finally take over.
Kat felt a hand on her back and brought her head up with a start. Spencer appeared by her side, soothing her with his gentle words, his touch. She allowed him to take her into his arms, the comfort from his strength easing her agony. All at once, her emotions went into overdrive and she completely lost it, crying uncontrollably. Sob after painful sob tore through her, making it hard to breathe. As soon as she took a gasp of air, another sob would rob it right out of her.
“Shh, baby. I'm right here.” He soothed her and brushed a hand over her hair. “I won't let anything happen to you. I promise.”
He couldn't promise something like that, but hearing those words pulled even deeper sobs that racked her insides. She wished she could believe him. She needed to believe him.
“I didn't do anything wrong. I was only doing my job. And now I'm hiding with someone I want to hide from.” Kat sobbed harder and tightened her hold on him, her thoughts blurring together through her grief. She didn't think about them, she just let them out, rambling incoherently.
“My Xterra is gone. All of my CDs are gone. I had my Kindle in there. Gone. If you hadn't come when you did—” She stopped, not wanting to think what would have happened if he hadn't been there.
“But I did,” he broke in, brushing her hair with his hand. He kissed her forehead and it brought fresh tears burning from the inside.
“I thought you and I were—” She gulped and had to take a breath. “I hate you for what you did. And I hate that I fell in love with you again. I wanted us to be so happy.” She sobbed hard. “And we were. Damn it.” She wiped her eyes and nose on his shoulder. “And now I feel like such a fool. Why, Spencer? Why couldn't we just be happy?”
He growled deep in his chest. “I'm so sorry.”
“I don't want it to end like this. I'm almost thirty and I'm not married. I don't have kids. Am I really that bad? Women my age are married. They have families. No wonder you didn't want to marry me. I'm such a bitch.”
“Kathryn,” he stated softly, his breath warm against her face. “Please don't think like that. You are so special. You don't deserve what you're going through.” He sighed and it made his whole chest move. “You don't deserve any of it.”
His words brought another round of heart-tearing sobs. “Didn't I at least deserve you? Didn't I deserve some happiness in my pathetic little life? I wanted a future with you. I come home every night to an empty apartment and have a frozen dinner by myself. I don't even have a dog.”
Spencer chuckled and it made his chest jump. Kat snuggled closer as her sobs diminished to short convulsions of breath.
“I think,” he said after several minutes of wonderful silence, “that you deserve all the happiness in the world, Kathryn Louise Davis.” He sighed and the warmth and scent from his chest invaded her senses. “I wanted to be the one to give that to you. I wish I could.”
There was a time when Spencer brought her happiness. She wished she could just forgive him and go back to the way they were. She pushed against Spencer's chest to move away. He resisted at first, but then he lowered his arms and let her go. As she met his gaze, feeling foolish for having such a ridiculous breakdown in front of him, her breath caught.
Emotions swelled in his brilliant eyes, leaving fresh tears hovering.
* * * *
Outside of his dad dying, Spencer hadn't cried since he was ten years old. He broke the living room window and his dad gave him the belt whooping of his life. Spencer remembered the tears in his dad's eyes as he delivered the punishment. His dad had told him, “Son, this is going to hurt me more than it does you.” Spencer couldn't understand how delivering the pain could possibly be worse than receiving it.
Until now.
Having Kathryn break down in his arms tore at his very essence. He had to fight the tears back more than once. It just so happened, when she pulled away, she caught him at his most vulnerable. Hell, he wished she hadn't seen him like that.
He grimaced. He wanted to be a rock for her, a pillar of strength. Instead, he caused her pain. And he knew he couldn't do a damn thing to take that pain away.
Damn it. He loved her. He could tell her, but a declaration this late in the game would only piss her off more.
Hiding out in the bathroom like a coward, Spencer studied his image in the mirror. Jesus, he looked like shit. Dark circles shadowed his eyes. He hadn't shaved in days. His hair was riddled with—what was that? Bomb residue?
Since devoting his life to keeping Kathryn out of trouble, he hadn't gotten much sleep. He wondered if it would ever get any easier. With a chuckle, he knew it wouldn't. Keeping up with her was a full-time job. Good thing he was currently unemployed.
He washed and dried his face, then decided it wasn't enough and turned the water on for a shower. The room filled with steam and he jumped in. The water relaxed him, but he couldn't keep his mind off their situation to fully enjoy the benefits. Instead, he abruptly washed and turned off the water. He stilled when he heard Kathryn talking to someone.
Dripping, naked, and not giving a shit, he rushed out of the bathroom, spotted her on the phone, and immediately got pissed. “What the hell are you doing?”
She whipped around and sucked in a gasp. Her gaze traveled down his frame, rested on his groin, and then sprang back to his face. The color filling her cheeks made her glow.
He marched over and jerked the phone out of her hands. “Who is this?”
“Excuse me? Who the hell are you? Spencer?”
Travis fucking Becker. Add this to the many reasons why Spencer hated cell phones. He thought about flushing hers down the toilet. They didn't need two. Kathryn already hated him so her reaction couldn't be much worse. First, he needed to deal with another problem.
“What are you doing with Kat? I thought she dumped your ass.”
“Why are you calling her?”
“I was checking on her.” His tone sounded a cross between disbelief and irritation.
Bullshit. Spencer didn't trust the little prick any further than he could throw him. “Why did you need to check on her?”
“I went with her to her apartment last Friday. Did you know someone broke in there?”
“Four days ago.”
“And yet she wanted me there. Not you.”
“What do you want?” Spencer bit off, not willing to have that conversation with anyone, especially with this guy, and especially not while naked and dripping wet. No doubt Becker would move in just as soon as he thought Spencer wouldn't rip off his fucking head if he so much as thought about touching Kathryn. Too goddamn bad. If he did, Spencer would break every one of his fingers. And then his hands. He'd move up from there.
Besides, Travis Becker had a wife. Sheena. Sheila. Shelene. Something like that.
That didn't stop the bastard from undressing Kathryn with his eyes every chance he got. Now Spencer understood why Becker constantly hovered around her. The little shit was in love with her.
“Was there anything else you needed?”
“Is Kat in some sort of trouble because of you?”
He thought about how to answer that. Since the Green search last week, Kathryn had discovered the truth about the Haynes search,
had her apartment broken in to, had a death threat pinned to a dead man, and had her SUV blown up. On top of all of that, he'd lost her faith, trust, and love.
Yes, it was safe to say they were in trouble. Deep doo-doo, as his dad used to say. “She's fine.”
The chill in the air had nothing to do with the fact he was as naked as the day he came out of the womb. The water on his skin had since air-dried. He walked back into the bathroom and slipped into his clothes. “Why are you so concerned?”
“You're not the only one who cares about her,” Becker declared in an icy tone. “I don't like you. You obviously know that. But I'll do anything to help her.”
“I'll keep that in mind.”
“Goddamn it, Spencer. Why are you doing this to her?”
He stiffened as his chest pinched. “Doing what, exactly?”
“Playing her like this. I know what you did. She told me. You don't honestly expect her to take you back after that, do you?”
“It's none of your fucking business.”
“It is if it affects her. I won't let you do this to her, not again. You weren't there a year ago. You have no idea what she went through after you screwed her over. But I was. I picked her up off the ground. I checked on her every night to make sure she knew someone out there gave a shit about her. You broke her, you asshole. I'm the one who nursed her back to the living. How dare you tell me it's none of my business.”
Sweet Jesus God. He hated Travis Becker, more now than ever. But he couldn't think of one comeback that wouldn't make him sound like an even bigger prick than he already was. The truth clamped down on him and he struggled to pull in a breath. Lifting his gaze to the ceiling, he let out the air, slow and steady.
“Understood.” He may hate the man, but he'd just made an ally. Deep down, he knew Becker would do anything to keep Kathryn safe. Either that or go completely Norman Bates on her. Right now, he counted on the first theory, not wanting to contemplate the second one. Spencer opened the bathroom door after buttoning his jeans.