Rescue Me

by Allie Adams

  “I take it he wasn't a terrorist?”

  Spencer shook his head. “I honestly don't know. Not if he's anything like Sam Green. I know this sounds hard to believe, but I trusted Green and I don't trust easily. Even Weber believed Green to be on our side.”

  “Did Green kill Emery Haynes?”

  “He said he didn't.”

  “And you believe him?”

  He gave her an earnest look. “Yes, I do.”

  Then so did she. She trusted his gut. “So, who else was out there?”

  “A double agent,” they said at the same time.

  Spencer blinked, his face hardening as he made the connection. “Emery Haynes was just trying to save his own life. I made sure that didn't happen. Son of a bitch. This really is all my fault. He was double-crossed and I did nothing to help him. Jesus fucking Christ. It's my job to protect people.”

  For the first time, Kat saw the situation from Spencer's point of view. He felt more than responsible for a man's death. In essence, he'd killed that man. The burden of that guilt weighed him down physically. She and Spencer weren't so different in that respect. Her heart pinched at the thought.

  “Christ,” he mumbled and slouched lower. “I could have saved him if I would have just listened to you.”

  Yes, she wanted to say. You could have. “I didn't have the same intel you did.”

  “And yet you knew something was off that night. If I would have listened to you instead of roaring ahead, that man would still be alive. Maybe we wouldn't be in the mess we're in now.”

  “Spence, you can't blame yourself. You had no idea.”

  He snapped his brow into a frown as he nailed her with his gaze. “Words to live by, my dear.”

  She knew what he meant and just having them said them out loud made the words ring so true.

  “I was following orders. Goddamn it! He didn't have to die. Neither did Sam Green. And it all boils down to me blindly following orders.” He looked ready to spit. In an instant his shoulders sagged as defeat consumed him. And he did look defeated. Utterly, painfully defeated.

  Kat's heart softened, even throbbed when she recognized the heavy guilt in his eyes. She'd seen it whenever she looked at her own reflection.

  And then it clicked. Her life wasn't the only one ruined as a result of that search. The weight she'd carried around for a year suddenly lifted. She wasn't the only victim from that search. Emery Haynes died that day. A part of Spencer did, too. Holy shit. And she definitely hadn't helped by being a complete bitch and ragging on him about it.

  If she couldn't help herself, she could at least help him. Maybe it would heal them both. “You can't go through life trying to save everyone, Spencer. You aren't Superman. Even he couldn't save Lois Lane in the original movie. He had to reverse the rotation of the earth to do it.”

  He furrowed his brow, fighting her reasoning. “You're point?”

  “As those rocks came pouring down, Superman was too late to save her. He broke all the rules when he turned back time.”

  Spencer chuckled, though the noise sounded forced. “Breaking all the rules for the woman he loves. Now there's something I can relate to.”

  THIRTY

  Did he say love? He'd never said the 'L' word to her, not like that. Kat wanted him to say it again. She didn't know what to do. Should she touch him? Kiss him? Beg him to say it again? Like the coward she was, she remained silent and waited for him to continue.

  “I remember something my mom used to say to my dad. 'Stop trying to save the world, Jack. You can't reach every person.' And my dad would always reply, 'I'm not trying to reach every person. Only the ones worth saving.'“ Spencer seemed lost in his memory.

  He never talked about his dad. She kept him focused. “Did your father ever regret being a TREX agent?”

  “Not once. He told me being an agent was the best thing he could do. He made the world a better place, one find at a time.”

  He paused, staring off into the distance. “He told me once that he couldn't wait until he retired. He would bounce his grandkids on his knee and tell them stories of how granddaddy caught this bad guy or that bad guy...” He shook his head as his voice trailed off. His face grimaced. “That was about two weeks before he died.”

  When Spencer remained quiet, she spoke in a soft, soothing voice. “Why did you become an agent? Was it to finish what your dad started?”

  “I don't know. Maybe.”

  “Do you ever regret your decision?” The question hung in the air, and she refused to take a breath until he said something.

  Instead of answering, he closed his eyes.

  “You and I are so much alike,” Kat stated after she realized he'd never answer that question. Spencer opened his eyes and rested his gaze on her. Emotion swirled there, clouding them. “We're both turning our world upside down to right the wrongs of our past. That's like walking in shoes that will never fit.”

  Spencer nodded. “My dad had good intentions. He lost his life doing exactly what he loved. But he never considered the lives of those who loved him.” The emotions changed on Spencer's face. Hard, cold, haunting. “I guess that's where my dad and I are different. He made sure the world was safe. I make sure those I care about are safe.”

  She wanted to take his pain away. It was so unfair, the burden he'd taken on. “But that's so lonely.”

  He shook his head almost violently. “Doesn't matter. I don't want to ever put anyone in the situation where they have to wake up to the news that their husband, their father, will never come home.”

  “You can't stop fate, Spence. If it happens, it happens.”

  “At least I can control how many people are affected.”

  Kat closed her eyes at the realization and against the unrealistic pain it brought with it. It made perfect sense now. The avoidance. The unwillingness to give her anything more than the present. In his way, he thought he protected her from what his mother went through.

  How unfair. How lonely.

  For them both.

  “That's too bad,” she finally choked out, her grief so great it threatened to rob her of control. Why couldn't she mean enough to him to make him want to change all that? How unfair to have her so deeply in love with someone not willing to take that risk. Sure, he said he wanted a future with her, but he wasn't willing to go all in. She wanted a husband. Kids. She wanted it all, not just a fuck buddy that shared the same address.

  Bitterness consumed her and she spoke words meant to hurt, to drive the torment in deep enough so he felt an ounce of what she felt. The disappointment. The devastating blow to her self-worth. “Someday a special someone will come along and make you want to give that all up for her.”

  He sprang from the couch, slamming into the coffee table, making it raise and drop with a loud thud. Kat widened her eyes in surprise and jumped back.

  “Don't preach to me about that special someone. I thought,” he chuckled acidly and brought his hands to his hips. “If anyone could have changed my mind, it would have been you.”

  The hardening resentment restricting her heartbeat grew to a blinding fury. “Me? You've never once told me how you felt.”

  “I tell you all the time!” He shook his head and ground out a sigh. “Un-fucking-believable.”

  “Then tell me now.” When he set his jaw instead, she pushed. “Please, Spence. I need to hear the words.”

  His eyes riveted to hers. The look made her want to run and hide. They were so dark, so lethal, that Kat's heart painfully skipped a beat. “Why? You left and enforced my belief that I should be alone a hundred times over.” He kept his voice cool and even. “When you came back I actually believed it had something to do with me.”

  “That's why I came back and you know it.”

  “No, I don't know that!” Spencer roared and broke into pacing. “You never told me why you left. You never told me shit.” He paused as he glanced at her, a look of clear realization in his eyes. He quickly shook it off. “I've been trying to figur
e out what I did wrong for over a year. What the hell happened between us?”

  Ice filled her veins as her rage grew. She spit out her response through clenched teeth, unable to hold her hurt and betrayal in. “You know what happened! If only I never admitted how I felt. How much I lo—” She couldn't bring herself to say it again for fear her admission would lead to an even bigger fight.

  Or worse.

  Back into his arms.

  Spencer continued to pace, faster. “Horse shit. You didn't leave me because of that.”

  “The hell I didn't!” Kat countered and took a step toward him in challenge. Yes, it was stupid. Yes, this man could take her down with a single swing. But she knew Spencer, knew he'd never raise his hand to her. “I couldn't stay with a man who didn't love me.”

  “Who said I didn't love you?” Spencer shouted, his face growing redder and redder the longer their conversation continued. His shoulders raised and lowered with his agitated breathing. “Everything I've done, that I'm doing now, shows you how much I care.”

  “But you never said it!”

  “I didn't say it,” he retorted with a bitter bite in his voice. “That doesn't mean I didn't feel it.”

  The anvil of his admission hit her square in the chest. The balloon of her fight popped and she withered. How could he wait until now to admit it Now, when it may be too late to fix? “But you just let me go.”

  “You bolted out of here so quick I never got the chance to tell you how I felt. And you're so damn stubborn. You wouldn't listen to reason even if I did come after you.”

  “That's not true.” Kat looked around the room, searching for an escape. She didn't want to talk about it anymore. This conversation was supposed to be about Spencer, not her. She couldn't face the fact that she shared any of the blame. I can't be the reason for my own misery. It had to be his fault. It just had to be. She was the victim in all of this. Wasn't she?

  Or was she?

  “What are you doing? Where do you think you're going?” He took a step toward her, that intense look in his eyes boring into her.

  Kat snapped her gaze back to him. She hadn't realized she'd already retreated toward the spare bedroom. “I'm tired. I want to go to bed.”

  “Oh no you don't. Not until we finish. We've waited too long to hash this out. You are going to hear me, Kathryn Louise Davis. This time I won't let you leave.”

  “Spencer,” she whimpered. “I don't want to know any more.”

  “You left because you lost control,” he stated matter-of-factly, ignoring her plea. “Plain and simple, sweetheart. Up until the night you told me you loved me, you had complete control—over your emotions and over us. When you lost that control, you panicked and you ran because you were too goddamn scared to face the fact that you may have met your match.”

  “But,” she stammered, her head reeling. Could it be that this past year, all the heartache, the loneliness, the utter misery, could have all been avoided if she would have just stayed and worked things out? No, it wasn't that simple. It couldn't be.

  “When I didn't tell you how I felt, you assumed I didn't love you and that made you go ballistic. You lost control over that aspect of your life. When that happened, you jumped ship.” He crossed his arms in front of him and waited for her reaction.

  Kat hated how well he knew her. For over a year she fought to fully understand the reasons why she left. It made perfect sense now. Damn, she'd been such a fool. Her stubborn pride made her lose the only person she'd ever loved.

  Would she ever have any control when it came to Spencer Allen? She somehow doubted that. Kat shuddered. Now she knew why she'd avoided this talk for so long.

  She didn't leave because of him.

  She left because of her.

  All her life she'd only done things she knew she'd be good at. That's why she'd never failed. Never lost control, never had to feel like a fool. The epiphany hit her so hard it forced her back to the couch, using it to stabilize her wobbly legs before she collapsed.

  “You must have hated me.”

  He nodded. “I won't lie. I did hate you. I poured everything I had into my work. After a while, it became tolerable. I kept expecting you to call or at least stop by to explain. But you never did.”

  She fought against the tears. This was exhausting. Her heart hurt. “Neither did you.”

  Silence thickened the room. Comprehension slowly sank in and lifted some of the tension. They'd both done everything they could to assume the worst of each other. What did that say about them?

  After what seemed like an eternity, Spencer finally spoke. “What is it you want from me, Kathryn? Just say the word and I'll do it.”

  She didn't even hesitate in her answer. It's what she'd wanted all along. “Marriage.”

  Shock washed across his features as if she'd just asked him to put a bullet into his head. He opened and closed his mouth several times as the color drained from his face.

  “Well?”

  Shaking his head, he looked down and let out a deep breath. “You know I can't give you that.”

  His words plunged into her heart like a poisoned dagger. “You said to just say the word. That's the word I want. I want a husband, Spencer. I want a family. Can you or can you not give that to me?”

  His massive shoulders collapsed. He wouldn't look at her. “I just can't put you through that. Can't you see that I'm doing this for you? I'm saving you from the inevitable.”

  “And, in return, you're denying us a future together. Why deny us the time we could have together for the sake of something that may never happen?”

  He said nothing and worked his jaw.

  She steeled herself from him. No way would she let him destroy her belief in the happily ever after any longer. “Then we have nothing left to talk about. Please don't come into my room tonight. I really want to sleep alone. Can you at least do that?”

  He gave her a curt nod.

  “Thank you for finally being honest with me. Now that I know there's no future for us, I need to move on.”

  “I can give you love,” he rasped softly, the emotions in his voice raw.

  She looked at him through the tears that blurred her eyes. “It isn't enough.”

  He closed his eyes again and lowered his head.

  Her chin quivered as her emotions threatened to take over. She had to get away from him. Spinning on her heel, she hurried into the spare room and closed the door behind her.

  THIRTY-ONE

  That had to be the most restless night Kat had ever had, and she'd had several. But knowing Spencer slept in the room just on the other side of the bathroom had her tossing and turning as she fought against the urge to join him.

  Now, as she packed her things, wishing he'd just say the one thing she needed to hear for her to stay, she took her time. She didn't have as much at his house as she thought. Her entire life with him fit into a single bag. That said everything.

  She'd just attempted to zip it up when she felt him and looked up. He approached her room through the open doorway. And now here he stood, watching her, looking so sad it broke her heart. What were they doing? Why were they doing this to each other?

  “Are you really leaving?” He swallowed and watched her, pain and sadness swirling in gaze. She didn't want to go but he left her no choice. She wanted a family, damn it. He wasn't willing to give that to her because of some misguided attempt to spare her feelings.

  He left her no choice.

  She finished zipping the bag and threw it on the floor by the doorway, narrowly missing his feet. “I'll need a ride since mine is, well… You were there.”

  He leaned a shoulder against the doorframe and shoved his hands into his pockets. He tapped at the bag with the toe of his booted foot. “You're missing the bigger picture.”

  She moved past him and into the living room. One more door and she'd be out of here. When she touched the front door, she paused. “And that is?”

  “Us,” he answered in that velvety voice of hi
s. Whipping around, she swayed when his gaze slammed into her. She had to break their eye contact before she started to believe him. His eyes had the power to pull her into his consciousness. She'd be helpless but to give into his reasoning.

  He took a step toward her. “I'll give you my future, Kathryn. It's yours. I'll be with you every day of my life. I'll be the first person you see every morning and the last person you see every night. I'll give you my last breath.”

  “How is that any different than what I want?”

  “It just is.”

  “But it isn't. You're willing to make me that promise, but not marry me? What about kids?”

  He shook his head. “I wish you'd see this from my point of view.”

  His words caused her heart to painfully swell. She turned away as a tear burned down her cheek. “I want the fairytale. If you're too selfish to give that to me, too stubborn to give that to yourself, then please just let me go so I can find it elsewhere.”

  “Jesus Christ,” he breathed and ran his hand through his hair. “I can't give you everything you're asking.”

  The tenacity in his voice clenched her heart without mercy. “Why not? What could possibly be holding you back? Why am I not enough for you?”

  “You are my everything.” The tension mounted between them as their voices rose.

  “Then tell me what I'm doing wrong! What else can I do?”

  “I'm not strong enough!” He winced at the admission and slumped his shoulders as his words deflated him. His entire being softened along with his tone. “I…” He lifted his gaze to the ceiling. “I'm not strong enough.”

  She sucked in a breath. She'd never heard him admit something like that. She closed the distance between then and brought a hand to his cheek. He closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath. “I'll be strong enough for the both of us.”

  He choked out her name before turning his head and placing a kiss on her palm. “I wish that were enough.”

  “If it's enough for me then it should be enough for you.”