My Mother's Secret

by Sheila O'Flanagan

  ‘Well they went a very underhand way about avoiding trouble.’ Sarah replaced her cup on its saucer with a bang and splashed tea over the carpet.

  ‘Would you look at what you’ve done, missy!’ exclaimed Kay. ‘The good carpet. Get a cloth and clean that up right away.’

  Sarah had been stung by the anger in her mother’s voice. She knew that most of it was indirectly meant for Jenny, but it wasn’t fair that she was experiencing it all the same. She went into the kitchen and returned with some kitchen towel.

  ‘Why are you using that?’ demanded Kay. ‘There’s a perfectly good cloth you can rinse out.’

  ‘What’s the point in us having kitchen paper if we don’t use it?’ retorted Sarah. ‘For God’s sake, Mam, wake up and smell the coffee.’

  ‘Don’t you talk to me like that,’ said Kay. ‘You’re still living under my roof and you’ll treat me with respect.’

  ‘But it’s all right for Jenny not to respect you, is it?’ asked Sarah. ‘Because she’s left?’

  ‘It’s not all right at all,’ growled Terry. ‘But there isn’t much we can do about it now, and her with her apostolic benediction and everything. I doubt she’d have got that if the Holy Father had known she was in the family way.’

  ‘We might be able to pretend,’ said Kay.

  ‘Depends on when the baby is born,’ Terry said.

  ‘So what you’re going to do is cover it all up!’ cried Sarah. ‘You’re going to say that she’s married and having a baby and everything is all right.’

  ‘It is,’ said Terry.

  ‘That’s so damn hypocritical.’ Sarah was incensed. ‘Not that I think bad things should happen to girls who get pregnant, of course they shouldn’t. But you’re saying one thing and doing something else.’

  ‘We’re not saying one thing,’ said Kay. ‘We’re saying that it’s all right to be married and having a baby.’

  ‘You’re unbelievable!’ Sarah stormed out of the living room, slamming the door behind her.

  As well as being annoyed at her parents’ hypocrisy, she was equally mad with Jenny because she knew her older sister’s actions would have repercussions. And they did. From that day on, whenever Sarah went out, she was quizzed about who she was with and what time she’d be home. From time to time, Kay even phoned the houses of people she said she was with, ostensibly to ask her to pick up something from the shops on the way home, but in reality, Sarah knew, to check that she was where she’d said she’d be. As for boyfriends – they were all vetted carefully, and questions were asked about them as soon as it was clear that there was any kind of relationship at all. Things calmed down to a certain degree for Lucinda, of course. And then Lucinda had gone and got pregnant anyway!

  Sarah sometimes wished she’d gone off the rails herself. That she’d rebelled and lied to her parents and got her friends to cover for her. But she hadn’t. She’d submitted to all their questioning and all their demands of her and become the daughter they’d always wanted. Compliant and obedient. Never breaking the rules. Always there when they needed her. Yet it hadn’t been enough to turn her into their favourite. From the moment Roisin was born, Jenny was back in favour. Kay would sometimes tell Sarah that she’d be lucky to find someone like Pascal, someone who worked hard and cared so much for his wife and child.

  ‘I was angry with them at first,’ Kay told her, after Jenny had come home for a visit, during which everyone was convinced Roisin had said the word ‘grandma’. ‘I thought she’d made a mistake. But I was wrong and I’m glad to be wrong.’

  Sarah thought that less than a year after the Roman wedding (as everyone referred to it) was a bit soon to make that call. But she could see that Jenny and Pascal seemed happy together and that both of them cared for Roisin very much.

  When she met James Mullens, she knew that she’d found someone to equal Pascal. James was much better-looking than her brother-in-law and his job as an architect was far more prestigious than that of a mere civil servant. He had plans to build his own house in Blessington, an up-and-coming town about fifteen miles south-west of the city. The site for the house had views over the lakes and was in an immeasurably better location, as far as Sarah was concerned, than the house her sister and Pascal had moved into.

  And so, because he was better than Pascal in so many ways, Sarah decided that she would marry James Mullens and that they would have a huge wedding to which they’d invite absolutely everyone. And that it would live in the memories of the entire family, who’d know that she’d outstripped her sister at last.

  ‘They all hate me.’ Jenny was sitting on the edge of the bed with Pascal beside her. ‘I could see it in their eyes. And the neighbours couldn’t wait to leave.’

  ‘Nobody hates you,’ said Pascal. ‘They’re in shock, that’s all. And you could hardly expect Breege and Lillian and the rest to stay when you’d dropped your bombshell.’

  ‘I didn’t think it would be quite such a big deal,’ said Jenny.

  ‘For crying out loud!’ Pascal looked at her in disbelief. ‘It’s our ruby wedding anniversary party, and you’re telling them we’re not married. Of course it’s a big deal. It’s huge.’

  ‘I thought … I thought that in this day and age they’d be OK with it.’

  ‘I’m sure they will be eventually,’ said Pascal. ‘But it’s a lot for them to take in all the same.’

  ‘I know.’ Jenny sighed. ‘And you were right, like you always are. I shouldn’t have said anything.’

  ‘It was hard to listen to all those speeches and know that we’d lied,’ admitted Pascal. ‘And Jenny, it’s been as much my fault as yours that we didn’t tell anyone. There were opportunities over the years and I didn’t make us take them, even though I know as well as you that you can’t keep secrets for ever.’

  ‘I suppose it’s astonishing that we weren’t found out before now,’ said Jenny. ‘And of course we still have to—’

  ‘Jen!’ He gave her a warning look. ‘We’ve done enough today.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘You can’t say anything else. You really can’t.’

  She covered her eyes with her hands, and when she spoke, her words were muffled. ‘I can’t not.’

  ‘But not today.’

  ‘If not, when?’

  ‘Tomorrow,’ said Pascal. ‘When we have Davey and Roisin and Steffie to ourselves. We can talk about everything then. We’ll all sit down together, and you and I can explain.’

  ‘I can’t wait until tomorrow.’ Jenny took her hands away from her face. ‘Not after this. I can’t go to sleep with another secret. We have to talk to Steffie. Or at least I do.’

  ‘You’ve already gone rogue on me once today.’ He shook his head. ‘It’s not a good idea to do it again.’

  ‘She deserves to know.’ Jenny spoke with a quiet determination. ‘I’ll do it here. Now. By myself. It’ll be easier if it’s just the two of us. And then she can decide what to do.’

  Pascal took a deep breath and released it slowly.

  ‘If that’s what you want,’ he said. ‘Though honestly, I think you’re making a terrible mistake.’

  ‘Pascal …’

  But he’d walked out of the room and closed the door gently behind him.

  Daisy, Poppy and Dougie had decamped to the den, where they were watching Pirates of the Caribbean on TV while the adults continued to discuss recent events on the veranda. Daisy hadn’t wanted to leave the scene of the drama, but Roisin had insisted she look after her siblings. Daisy had opened her mouth to protest, then seen the expression on her mother’s face and headed off to the den with her brother and sister.

  ‘Dad! Are you OK? Is Mum?’ asked Steffie.

  ‘More to the point, are we OK?’ said Roisin.

  ‘We’re sorry,’ said Pascal. ‘We should’ve told you before now.’

  ‘It’s no big deal, Dad,’ Davey said. ‘It’s a shock all right, but I guess we can live with it.’

  ‘There was no need to keep it a se
cret from us,’ Steffie added. ‘It’s not like we wouldn’t have understood.’

  Roisin said nothing. She didn’t meet her father’s eye but stared out into the sodden garden while she sipped her tea.

  ‘We were wrong,’ said Pascal. ‘We know that.’

  ‘So when is Jenny going to come downstairs and explain herself?’ asked Sarah.

  ‘Before she does, she wants to talk to Steffie.’ Pascal turned to her. ‘D’you mind going up to her?’

  ‘Me?’ Steffie was taken aback. ‘Why me?’

  ‘Why her?’ asked Roisin. ‘Honestly, Dad, I think it’s me who—’

  ‘It’s Steffie she needs to speak with,’ he said.

  Roisin clamped her mouth shut.

  ‘Actually it’s me and Lucinda she should be explaining herself to,’ said Sarah. ‘We bore the brunt of her lies. Your lies too, Pascal.’

  ‘We didn’t keep on lying.’ Pascal kept his voice mild. ‘We just didn’t correct your assumptions.’

  ‘Hardly a feckin’ assumption when you had your so-called marriage certificate framed on the wall!’ Lucinda snorted. ‘We believed what we were told. I was fifteen, for heaven’s sake. How was I to know it was all a crock of shit?’

  ‘Steffie, will you go to your mum now?’ Pascal ignored Lucinda’s outburst.

  ‘All right,’ said Steffie. She gave a bewildered glance at her brother and sister before going into the kitchen, where she took the last bottle of the sparkling rosé out of the fridge. Then she collected a couple of glasses from the table and began to climb the stairs.

  Chapter 17

  Steffie hesitated for a moment before tapping on the bedroom door. She was surprised that her mother wanted to talk to her and not Roisin, but at the same time she knew that she was closer to Jenny in many ways than her older sister. She’d spent a lot of time as the only child at home, when both Roisin and Davey had left to pursue their own lives. Although she’d missed her brother and sister, she’d revelled in the extra attention she was suddenly receiving from Jenny, and she had some very treasured memories of the two of them sitting curled up in an armchair together watching movies on TV after she’d come home from school. The movies were an occasional treat; most of the time Jenny would tell her to get on with her homework, but it was the fact that every so often she was allowed to forget about it till later that thrilled Steffie so much. That, and her mum’s arm wrapped around her as they sat engrossed in the classic melodramas and mystery thrillers that Jenny loved.

  She turned the handle slowly and walked into the bedroom. Jenny was sitting in the small wing-backed chair near the window.

  ‘Are you OK, Mum?’ asked Steffie.

  ‘I’m not the one who’s had a surprise,’ said Jenny. ‘I knew we weren’t married.’

  ‘You certainly made it a surprise party with a difference,’ Steffie said. ‘But hey, it’s kind of cool in an offbeat sort of way.’

  ‘We should have told you before now,’ said Jenny. ‘It was wrong of us not to.’

  ‘I guess,’ said Steffie. ‘But in the end the important thing is that you guys have still been together for forty years. Whether you were married or not during that time is pretty irrelevant.’

  ‘Nevertheless, it makes the ruby wedding anniversary a little premature.’

  ‘We were wondering,’ said Steffie, ‘why you didn’t get married. I mean, you could’ve nipped into a registry office any time.’

  ‘I know,’ said Jenny. ‘That’s what we planned to do. At first we were going to do it before Roisin was born, but you have to give notice and I was afraid someone I knew would see me and wonder what on earth was going on.’

  ‘They probably would’ve thought you were going to someone else’s wedding,’ Steffie pointed out.

  ‘I was afraid to take the chance. If your grandmother had had any inkling … well, she would’ve been furious with me. Both for being unmarried and pregnant and for having lied to her. Besides,’ she looked a little shamefaced, ‘back then the registry office was a horrible place, not a bit personal or elegant or anything. It was as though you were a second-class citizen if you chose not to get married in church.’

  ‘So you wanted to wait and get married in a church?’ asked Steffie. ‘And you with a fake apostolic benediction already!’

  ‘The church part didn’t bother me,’ admitted Jenny. ‘All I wanted was somewhere nice. Which shows you how shallow I am.’

  ‘Ah, no. I understand.’ Steffie smiled at her. ‘You wouldn’t have wanted the real day to be less glamorous than the fake day.’

  ‘Actually, nothing in Ireland could’ve compared to Rome,’ said Jenny. ‘Perhaps that’s why we didn’t do it. And then of course I got pregnant with Davey, so that kind of took our eye off the ball for a while because we had our hands full.’

  Steffie nodded. ‘But after Davey there was a big gap before I came along. You could’ve gone to Rome then.’

  ‘We didn’t have the money,’ Jenny told her. ‘Our win on the prize bonds helped with the purchase of Aranbeg, but after that, every spare penny went into renovation. Besides, we were happy enough with the way we were.’

  ‘And after Aranbeg was finished?’

  ‘It took years,’ Jenny said. ‘Really and truly. Years.’

  ‘But after that? Or after I was born? Why not then?’

  ‘We had other things to worry about,’ said Jenny.

  ‘What other things?’

  ‘Something else I should have told you before now,’ Jenny said. She picked up the bottle of rosé that Steffie had left on the dressing table and filled the two glasses. She handed one to her daughter and took a deep breath.

  ‘I still can’t believe she didn’t tell us before now,’ Lucinda said to Sarah. The sisters were standing together at the rail of the veranda, looking out into the garden, which was now sodden by the drumming rain. ‘I won’t forgive her, you know,’ she added. ‘All our lives she let me think I was the one who’d cocked it up by being unmarried and pregnant. She could have supported me. But she didn’t.’

  ‘She couldn’t have supported you without telling everyone.’ Sarah took a pull from her electronic cigarette. It wasn’t as satisfying as the real thing, but at least it gave her the illusion of calmness that she’d experienced as a smoker.

  ‘So she should’ve told everyone,’ said Lucinda. ‘All this pretending. Ridiculous.’

  ‘I agree.’ Sarah nodded. ‘And when I was going through the divorce from James – she could’ve said something to me too. But no, she had to be the golden girl with her perfect marriage and her perfect children. Living the perfect lie.’ She took a deep drag and then put the e-cigarette back into her bag. ‘When all the time she was an unmarried mother living with her baby’s father. That was fairly monumental back then. She should’ve come clean. It would’ve made things easier for both of us. When I told Mum that James and I were separating, I went through hell with her saying that I could work on it a bit more. She used to tell me that Jenny worked on it with Pascal, that they hadn’t begun things well but that they were an example to everyone.’

  ‘They’re an example of a couple who’ve stayed together without a marriage certificate,’ remarked Lucinda. ‘Maybe that’s even better.’

  ‘Oh don’t you start!’ Sarah snorted. ‘Make me feel like a total loser, why don’t you!’

  ‘I didn’t mean that,’ said Lucinda. ‘Honestly I didn’t. I know you tried with James and I don’t blame you for splitting up with him.’

  ‘I married him because I thought it would be a grown-up thing to do,’ said Sarah. ‘And because I thought that having a massive wedding would be …’ Her voice trailed off.

  ‘Would be one in the eye for Jenny?’ suggested Lucinda.

  ‘Partly,’ conceded Sarah. ‘I wanted to show her how it should have been done. But ultimately it was rubbish, because James and I weren’t suited at all.’

  ‘Oh well. We can’t all be as lucky as Jenny and Pascal. Even if he didn’t actually pu
t a ring on it.’

  ‘Haven’t you ever found anyone, Lou?’ asked Sarah suddenly. ‘You’re a good-looking woman. No reason for you not to have a man in your life.’

  ‘Until recently I wouldn’t have trusted anyone not to leave if I got pregnant,’ said Lucinda. ‘Now, of course, thanks to the arrival of hot flushes, that’s sort of irrelevant. But still – George was such a shit, he put me off the whole idea of men.’

  ‘It was a long time ago.’

  ‘Yeah, but you don’t forget,’ Lucinda said. ‘You don’t forget the look in someone’s eyes and realising that the only thought in their head is getting away from you and away from the trouble you represent.’

  Sarah put her arm around Lucinda and hugged her.

  ‘You know what worries me most?’ she asked as they stepped away from each other again.

  ‘What?’

  ‘That because of me marrying James for the wrong reasons, I’ve messed up my kids too.’

  ‘What are you talking about? They’re fine,’ said Lucinda.

  ‘Um, excuse me? John and Eoin both emigrated. And Colette and Carl have my heart scalded, the pair of them.’

  ‘What’s wrong with Colette?’ asked Lucinda.

  ‘What’s right with her! Until the summer James and I split, she was a really easy child. When she came home, she went all goth on me. And she’s gone through mad phases ever since. Pink hair, blue hair, gold hair and drama-queen make-up … plus three goddam fiancés! She’s a freak.’

  ‘Sarah!’

  ‘It’s true. She’s thirty-two; she’s not a stupid teenager any more, so she shouldn’t go out looking like one. Look at her get-up today, for heaven’s sake. No wonder she can’t hold on to a man!’

  ‘Isn’t she the one who keeps dumping them?’

  ‘That’s what she says, but who knows? And then, of course, Carl, bringing that Summer woman with him today! Did you ever see anyone more inappropriate for him? And poor Bernice turns up looking so beautiful and elegant. And she had to take on her angel-of-mercy role with Poppy while Carl and your wan snuggle up on the veranda. I’m mortified by it, completely mortified.’