My Mother's Secret

by Sheila O'Flanagan

  Maybe he’ll think that losing the ring is a sign. The thought came to her as they approached Aranbeg. After all, I was always looking for signs during my engagements. That’s why I had so many of them. But men don’t look for signs. Men don’t write pages and pages in their diaries about unrequited love. Men don’t get engaged three times because they want to show someone else that they’re wanted and desired. God almighty, she thought, how could I have been so stupid all my life?

  The flood at Aranbeg’s gates was even deeper than when they’d left.

  ‘Nobody else is going to get in or out of here tonight,’ Colette told Davey as she negotiated the water. ‘It would be crazy even to try. You should text Steffie and tell her to stay with Tom and Bobby. We don’t want another accident.’ She couldn’t believe that she was speaking so naturally, as though he hadn’t delivered a hammer blow to her hopes and dreams. She couldn’t believe he didn’t know how she was feeling.

  She stopped the car and the two of them got out. Davey pressed the doorbell and they stood side by side, waiting for someone to answer. It was Bernice who finally opened the door. As the warm light from the hall spilled on to the porch, Colette saw the blue box. It was sitting among the flowers in the huge planter to the right of the door. It must have fallen from the jacket pocket when Steffie had swung it over her to protect herself from the rain.

  She looked at Davey but he’d already stepped over the threshold. She picked up the box and put it in her handbag.

  ‘Is she all right?’ was the first thing Jenny asked Davey when he walked into the house.

  ‘Not a bother on her,’ he replied. ‘She was sculling back Irish coffee when we found her.’

  Jenny looked startled.

  ‘Having too much fun to come home?’ asked Roisin.

  ‘Looked that way,’ said Davey.

  ‘Oh Davey, she’s very upset.’ Colette couldn’t let him downplay Steffie’s distress. The fact that her cousin had been drinking Irish coffee wasn’t the key issue. Colette had felt Steffie tremble as she’d hugged her. She wondered if Davey had even noticed that she hadn’t been wearing her pretty floral party dress but had changed into a too-big T-shirt and chef’s trousers. And her feet had been bare.

  ‘She’s looking for attention, like she always does,’ said Roisin.

  ‘I do not think you can make that assumption.’ Camilla’s tone was brisk. ‘She has had a shock.’

  ‘We’ve all had a shock,’ said Roisin.

  ‘But for Steffie it is a bigger one.’

  ‘Camilla’s right,’ said Bernice. ‘It has to be difficult for her right now.’

  ‘That’s right,’ muttered Carl. ‘You girls stick together. Steffie is an idiot.’

  Bernice ignored him.

  ‘Well I would’ve run away too if it had been me.’ Summer spoke and startled them all. She’d been very quiet ever since Steffie’s dramatic departure from the house, melting into the background and staying out of the family conversation. ‘It’s not nice to discover that your dad isn’t your dad.’

  Everyone looked at her in surprise.

  ‘Did that happen to you?’ asked Bernice. Her tone was neutral as she studied Summer curiously.

  ‘Oh, I don’t know who my dad is,’ said Summer. ‘I was a one-night stand, not even a love child like Steffie.’

  ‘I’m not sure love child is the appropriate word for her,’ said Lucinda. ‘But I’m so sorry, Summer. I know how you must feel. Alivia’s dad didn’t hang around either.’

  ‘But at least I know who he is,’ said Alivia.

  ‘Not that he’s worth knowing,’ Lucinda told her.

  ‘Mum!’

  ‘He abandoned us,’ Lucinda said. ‘The same way Summer’s dad abandoned her. Men are such shits.’

  ‘Not all of them,’ said Bernice. ‘Pascal has been sort of amazing really.’

  Pascal looked embarrassed.

  ‘My dad wasn’t amazing,’ Summer said. ‘But I don’t care. Me and my mum are good. She was sixteen when she had me, so we’re more like friends really, even when she comes over all motherly and concerned if I stay out late without telling her.’

  ‘How old are you now?’ asked Roisin.

  ‘Twenty-one,’ said Summer.

  Roisin realised with a shock that Summer’s mother was younger than she was herself. She suddenly felt very old. If a bad day could get worse, she thought, it just had.

  ‘I’m so sorry.’ Jenny spoke into the sudden silence. ‘This is all my fault. I should’ve told everyone about Pascal and me before now. And I should very definitely have told Steffie about her father a long time ago.’

  ‘It’s not your fault,’ said Pascal. ‘The two of us are to blame for that.’

  ‘But you weren’t the one who blurted it out. And you weren’t the one to have the affair!’ Jenny got up from her seat and walked out of the room.

  Daisy looked at Roisin. ‘Granny is really upset, isn’t she?’

  Her mother nodded. ‘But she’ll get over it. We all will. It’s just one of those things, pet. Now, will you take your brother and sister and go to bed.’

  ‘Bed!’ Daisy gave her a withering look. ‘It’s not bedtime yet.’

  ‘It’s been a long day,’ said Roisin. ‘I’d really like it if you took the others upstairs. Poppy must be worn out with her sore arm. I’ll come up shortly and see that everyone’s settled. If you’re still awake then, you can come back downstairs.’

  ‘Oh all right,’ said Daisy. ‘But you owe me.’

  She opened the door again and stalked out of the room.

  ‘I’ll go up too,’ said Pascal. ‘Jenny needs me.’

  There was an awkward silence when he’d left the room. Nobody wanted to talk about the day’s revelations, although they were the only thing any of them could think about.

  ‘Anyone like a drink?’ It was Paul who finally spoke. ‘Given that Steffie is OK and nobody else seems to be going anywhere tonight, we might as well relax.’

  There was a general easing of the tension in the room as most of them clustered around the table, which was still littered with bottles and glasses. Summer offered to make cosmopolitans with the vodka and Cointreau she’d found earlier.

  ‘What the hell,’ said Alivia. ‘Let’s make this party rock.’

  ‘I hardly think you can still call it a party,’ said her mother.

  ‘All the bad news is out of the way,’ Alivia told her. ‘There’s no point sitting around mired in gloom.’

  ‘You’re right.’ Lucinda gave her a smile and told Summer she’d also have a cocktail.

  ‘I wasn’t expecting to be spending the night under the same roof as you again just yet.’ Carl, who was sticking to beer, unexpectedly found himself beside Bernice. Having avoided alcohol because she’d expected to be driving home, she’d now decided to have a glass of wine.

  ‘Clearly not,’ she told him. ‘Considering you brought my replacement with you.’

  ‘She’s not your replacement,’ said Carl.

  ‘Seems like it to me,’ said Bernice. ‘In any event, you’re going for beauty over brains this time.’

  ‘And you’re being very judgemental,’ said Carl. ‘She’s actually quite smart.’

  ‘You’re right, I am,’ agreed Bernice. ‘But that’s me, isn’t it? Judging her, judging you. I forgot you don’t like being judged.’

  ‘I don’t want to fight with you,’ said Carl.

  ‘Good.’

  ‘Why did you come today?’

  ‘Because I like Jenny and Pascal. Because they invited me.’

  ‘They invited us.’

  ‘Yes. Carl and Bernice. Not Carl and Summer.’

  ‘Not Bernice without Carl either,’ he pointed out.

  ‘What were you expecting?’ asked Bernice. ‘That she’d get the immediate seal of approval from the family and thus validate your choice of bed partner for the future?’

  ‘Ber!’

  Bernice sighed and said she was sorry. Then she sh
ook her head. ‘Hell, no. I’m not sorry. As much as maybe I shouldn’t have come, you shouldn’t have brought her. It’s not fair on Jenny and Pascal.’

  ‘They have other things to worry about,’ said Carl. ‘I feel sorriest for Roisin. She went to so much trouble …’

  ‘She’ll get over it. So will your mum.’

  ‘My mother?’

  ‘Can’t you see what a state she’s in too?’ asked Bernice. ‘She always resented how good Jenny seemed to have it compared to her. Now she’s having to reassess everything.’

  ‘She never resented Jenny. That’s ridiculous.’

  Bernice held up her hand. ‘You’re right. I shouldn’t make comments. I’m not a part of it all any more, despite my eight years of being hauled to your family’s events.’

  ‘We’re taking the break for a reason,’ said Carl.

  ‘I know. And I shouldn’t have come,’ said Bernice. ‘I should’ve stayed away and taken my punishment, just like you wanted.’

  ‘I’m not punishing you.’

  ‘Whatever.’

  ‘I deserved to know what you were up to,’ he said.

  Bernice looked away from him. Summer was still happily dispensing cocktails to most of the women in the room, laughing and joking with them as she handed them the glasses.

  ‘I was trying to find out where the problem was,’ she said as she turned back to face him. ‘But you’re right. I shouldn’t have gone behind your back.’

  ‘I guess it’s because you’re a nurse. You couldn’t leave well enough alone.’

  ‘I wanted to know for me,’ she said. ‘For us too, but mostly for me.’

  ‘And did you find out in the end?’

  ‘Of course,’ she said.

  ‘And?’

  She thought of the paper she’d put so carefully in her bag earlier.

  ‘You’re not my date today,’ she said. ‘You’re with Summer. So it doesn’t really matter to you any more, does it?’

  She took a mouthful of wine, put the glass on a nearby table and walked away from him.

  ‘I’m trying to think of worse days in my life.’ Jenny was sitting on the edge of the bed again. It seemed to her that she was spending a lot of time closeted in her bedroom today. ‘But I haven’t come up with one so far.’

  ‘Not the day you realised you were pregnant with Roisin?’ asked Pascal.

  Jenny shook her head.

  ‘Or when we realised we couldn’t get married in Rome?’

  She shook her head again.

  ‘Or when you discovered you were pregnant with Steffie?’ He kept his tone mild.

  ‘No,’ she said. ‘All of those things were traumatic. Being pregnant with Steffie the most traumatic of them all. If I had to pick a second worse day, the day I had to tell you about it would be way up there. And the reason is because both that day and today are about me hurting other people. Finding out about Roisin, not being able to get married – those things mainly affected me. I know that learning I was up the spout affected you too, but it didn’t hurt you. Telling you I was pregnant with Steffie did. Telling Steffie about it hurt her. You both matter so much to me, I shouldn’t do anything to hurt you. And yet I did.’

  ‘Not telling Steffie is as much my fault as yours,’ said Pascal. ‘You wanted to when she was much younger and I said no. At the time, I told you that we should wait until we could tell her the full story. I said it was important she knew it. But I was lying to you, Jen. I didn’t want you to tell her because I didn’t want her to know I wasn’t her dad.’

  ‘What?’ Jenny looked at him in astonishment.

  ‘I love her,’ said Pascal. ‘And I’m only saying this because it’s between you and me and nobody else will ever hear it, but … but I find her easier to get on with than Roisin. I know that’s awful. Roisin is my own flesh and blood and I love her equally. But Steffie’s more fun.’ He rubbed his eyebrows. ‘I know she’s not my daughter, but I’ve always pretended to myself that you were wrong and that the test was wrong too. That she is. Telling her would have changed that.’

  ‘Oh Pascal.’

  ‘Soppy, huh?’ He gave her a wry smile.

  ‘Not at all,’ said Jenny. She put her arms around him and held him close to her. ‘Not at all. I’m so sorry for everything, Pascal. I really and truly am.’

  ‘Oh, look … we’ll be better before we’re twice married.’

  She smiled at the expression. It was one her mother had used a lot. Everything bad that happened to her, in Kay’s view, would be better before she was twice married.

  ‘What a bloody awful day,’ she said as she rested her head on his shoulder. ‘And it’s not even our damned anniversary!’

  He kissed the top of her hair. ‘One day we will get married. And when we celebrate our anniversary, we’ll definitely be the ones who do all the organising.’

  ‘Promise?’

  ‘I promise,’ he said. And this time he kissed her on the lips.

  Chapter 25

  Steffie was relieved that Davey had left her in Cody’s. She’d been afraid for a moment that he was going to drag her forcibly to the car. She was surprised at how angry he’d suddenly become. If someone had told him he wasn’t who he thought he was, she was quite sure he wouldn’t have been able to continue on as though everything was OK. Because right now, nothing was OK. She knew she was the same Steffie who’d got out of bed that morning, who’d driven down with the anniversary cake in her car, who’d laughed and joked with everyone at the party … but she was a different Steffie too. She was a Steffie who wasn’t as closely linked to everyone as she’d thought. And who wasn’t linked at all to Bobby, who was sitting across the table from her. Although, weirdly, Bobby had been the one she’d ended up confiding in. She felt the sudden ache of missing something that, strictly speaking, hadn’t even existed in the first place.

  She took the final sip from the Irish coffee that Liam had insisted on bringing out to them after they’d finished the regular ones. She’d demurred at first, saying that she’d had more than enough to drink already, but Liam had said they weren’t very strong and that the warmth would do her good. And it had looked so pretty with its smooth cream topping that she hadn’t been able to resist. She had to admit that the whiskey combined with the coffee had worked exactly as Liam had predicted and had spread a warm, relaxing glow through her body.

  ‘Feeling better?’ Bobby asked her.

  She nodded.

  ‘You look it,’ Tom said. ‘You’ve got some colour back in your cheeks.’

  She smiled at him.

  ‘So what d’you want to do now that you’ve given Davey the boot?’ Bobby asked.

  ‘I can’t go back to Aranbeg,’ she said. ‘Not yet. It’s too hard.’

  ‘I understand,’ said Tom.

  ‘D’you think there’s a room for me at your guest house tonight?’ she asked.

  ‘Oh pet, I wish there was.’ Bobby’s voice was full of sympathy. ‘But it’s a case of no room at the inn. It’s full. Like everywhere around.’

  ‘Don’t you want me to drive you home later?’ asked Liam. ‘I don’t mind doing that for you.’

  ‘Um – that’s not going to happen. Not tonight, at any rate.’ Tom, who was looking at his mobile, interrupted her. ‘I’ve just had a text from Davey. The entrance to Aranbeg is impassable.’

  ‘You’re joking!’ Steffie was shocked.

  ‘Apparently it’s completely flooded,’ said Tom. ‘He says you’re not even to try to get home.’

  ‘Has everybody else left? Or are they marooned there?’ she asked.

  Tom glanced at the phone again. ‘He doesn’t say.’

  ‘Crikey.’ Steffie grimaced. ‘Roisin will be going ballistic at how her party has turned out.’

  ‘It wasn’t Roisin’s party,’ said Bobby. ‘It was your parents’ party.’

  ‘Not as far as Roisin was concerned,’ said Steffie. ‘You know what she’s like, Bobby. She was the one who insisted on the whole surprise thin
g. If she’d told them what she was planning to do, they’d have baulked at it and none of this would ever have happened.’ Her voice trailed off. It wasn’t fair to blame the day’s events on Roisin, but it gave Steffie a fleeting moment of Schadenfreude in thinking that she herself had been right about the surprise party not being a good idea.

  ‘It’ll certainly put the poor girl off party planning for a while.’ Tom grinned. ‘Can you imagine them all stuck back at Aranbeg? Where are they going to sleep, for one thing?’

  ‘Oh, she’ll have that organised already,’ said Steffie. ‘All the same, I should’ve used my brain before I got all huffy and stormed off.’

  ‘I’m glad you’re thinking like that,’ said Bobby.

  ‘I’m saying it, I’m not sure I’m actually meaning it,’ Steffie confessed.

  ‘I wish you could stay with us,’ said Tom. ‘But I doubt Mrs Brannigan would let you kip down on the sofa.’

  ‘You can stay here, of course,’ said Liam.

  ‘Here?’ She stared at him. ‘In the restaurant?’

  ‘In the flat,’ he said.

  ‘But … there isn’t room,’ she said.

  ‘Of course there is. You can take the bedroom and I’ll sleep on the couch.’

  ‘Liam! I can’t—’

  ‘Yes you can,’ he interrupted her. ‘It’s only for a night. And it’s not like I’ve been run off my feet this evening and need to collapse in my bed.’

  She hesitated. She’d been enough of a bother already. But Liam had sounded sincere in his offer and she couldn’t think of an alternative.

  ‘That’s really nice of you,’ she told him. ‘You’ve been beyond good to me already. But I’ll be the one to sleep on the couch.’