My Mother's Secret

by Sheila O'Flanagan

  ‘You think?’

  ‘I do.’ She put her glass on the table and moved towards the centre of the floor. The band was playing a mid-tempo tune, but he put one hand on her back and swung her into a quickstep.

  ‘Oh crap,’ she said. ‘You really can dance. You’re putting me to shame.’

  ‘Follow my lead,’ he said. ‘You’ll be fine.’

  And she was. She let him twist her and turn her and manoeuvre her around the floor, and she realised that she was having more fun than she’d had in ages. Which was why, when the music stopped, she sat down beside him to catch her breath and didn’t think of Davey, or Camilla, or Steffie at all.

  Chapter 40

  The wedding party, fuelled by limitless champagne, had moved into a slightly more raucous phase. Davey and Camilla were jiving in the centre of the floor and doing – as Alivia said – a surprisingly good job of it. The Danish girl was letting her hair down both literally and figuratively, as she’d taken out the clips that held it into her customary updo and it was now falling in loose waves around her face.

  ‘She did a great Lady Gaga impression at the anniversary party,’ Bernice reminded Alivia. ‘I think she’ll be fun at gatherings in the future. Not that I’ll be at any more of them,’ she added.

  ‘I’m sorry, Bernice,’ said Alivia.

  ‘It’s time for me to move on,’ Bernice said. ‘I can’t keep picking at the remains of a failed relationship. I only came today out of respect for Jenny and Pascal. I know I said that’s why I came to their anniversary party too, but actually I turned up there with the idea of humiliating Carl. In the end, I was the one who was humiliated.’

  ‘No you weren’t,’ said Alivia. ‘You were the heroine of the hour, rushing Poppy to A and E through the floods.’

  ‘She would’ve been fine anyway,’ said Bernice.

  ‘Well, yes,’ agreed Alivia, ‘but you were still the one who looked after her. You’re a good person, Bernice.’

  ‘I’m not thinking particularly good thoughts,’ she said.

  ‘You and I are the sad singletons at this affair,’ remarked Alivia. ‘Even my mother has found herself a man before me! We should socialise more. Go on the hunt together.’

  Bernice laughed. ‘It’s a bit difficult with you in Galway.’

  ‘I’m moving to Dublin later in the new year,’ Alivia told her. ‘I’ve been offered a new gig after the current show ends and I’m going to take it. But it’s totally hush-hush, I haven’t told a soul. Not even my mother. So keep it under your hat.’

  ‘That’s wonderful news,’ said Bernice. ‘Your mum will be thrilled for you.’

  Alivia hoped so. Now that Lucinda had a man in her life, she’d become a lot less reliant on her and a lot more like the person Alivia was sure she’d been when she was younger. Alivia couldn’t help feeling sad that her mother had poured all her love and attention into Alivia herself, without any thought of having a life of her own. It seemed to her that Lucinda had wasted a lot of years when she could have been out there having fun. But she was doing it now. And even if things didn’t work out in the long term with Frank, at least Lucinda had changed her outlook. Which was, her daughter felt, a very good thing.

  And I’m making changes myself, she thought, which is also good. Getting the new series was a major coup for her, and going to Dublin and being out of Dermot Falconer’s circle as a result was even better. I was an idiot about him, Alivia said to herself. But I got over him. As you do. As you always do when you let yourself. She sighed. Allowing yourself to feel OK again was often the hardest part of a break-up.

  ‘Where’s Steffie?’ It was Roisin who came over to Bernice and Alivia, a worried frown on her face. ‘I haven’t seen her in ages.’

  ‘Nor have I.’ Alivia thought about it. ‘She was chatting to that woman who’s on some local committee, but that was at least half an hour ago.’

  ‘She’s nowhere around,’ said Roisin. ‘I hope she hasn’t done anything silly.’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Roisin admitted. ‘But everyone’s having such a good time, Mum and Dad are really happy … I’m afraid it might have been a little too much for Steffie.’

  ‘You don’t think she’s run off again?’ Bernice looked horrified. ‘Into the snow instead of the rain this time?’

  ‘She can’t have,’ said Alivia. ‘She was fine earlier.’

  ‘Everything all right?’ Colette, on her way to get another drink, realised that there was a confab going on. Bernice told her of their concerns about Steffie.

  ‘I saw her going outside a while ago,’ said Colette. ‘I thought she might have needed a bit of a breather.’

  ‘Outside! But it’s freezing. And that light dress she’s wearing won’t keep her very warm.’

  ‘I assumed she came back in after a few minutes,’ said Colette.

  ‘But nobody’s seen her,’ Bernice said.

  ‘Bloody hell.’ Colette frowned. ‘She seemed fine, Roisin, honestly. I didn’t think … I couldn’t …’

  As the three women exchanged worried glances, Jenny came over to them.

  ‘Have you see Steffie?’ she asked.

  Roisin was going to lie and say that her sister was in the loo, but she knew there was no point. Jenny would know she wasn’t telling the truth. She’d always been able to tell.

  ‘Colette said she went out for a breath of air,’ Bernice said.

  ‘When?’

  ‘A while ago.’

  ‘I haven’t seen her for ages,’ said Jenny.

  ‘You’ve been keeping an eye on her?’ asked Roisin.

  ‘I always know where my children are,’ said Jenny.

  ‘Perhaps she needed some down time.’ Colette didn’t want to think that Steffie had done anything foolish. Not at her mother and father’s wedding. Although part of the problem, from Steffie’s perspective, was that she still hadn’t accepted the fact that Pascal wasn’t her father. Shit, thought Colette. I should’ve gone after her. But I got caught up in dancing with Sean McGettigan. And I’m wishing that I was back dancing with him now instead of worrying about my cousin.

  ‘Maybe she’s gone back to Dublin.’ Jenny bit her lip. ‘But it’s snowing, and—’

  ‘And this is like the anniversary party all over again,’ said Roisin. ‘How can she be so damn thoughtless.’

  ‘Didn’t she drive down with you, Roisin?’ asked Alivia. ‘She doesn’t have her car here, does she?’

  ‘No, she doesn’t. You’re right.’ Roisin allowed herself to exhale with relief. She’d been envisaging her sister in a ditch again. Although perhaps not being as lucky this time as before.

  ‘She could have decided to walk to Aranbeg,’ said Colette.

  ‘In the snow? In high heels?’ Jenny looked aghast. ‘She wouldn’t have got more than a few metres.’

  ‘That might be what’s happened,’ said Alivia. ‘She decided to walk somewhere, she slipped on the snow and she twisted an ankle.’

  ‘Mother of God,’ said Colette. ‘If she’s out there with a broken ankle in the snow …’

  ‘We’d better go and look,’ said Bernice.

  ‘Before we do …’ Alivia took her phone out of her bag. ‘I’ll try calling her.’

  But the call went directly to Steffie’s voicemail.

  ‘You stay here, Aunt Jenny,’ Colette said. ‘The three of us will have a look.’

  ‘You can’t possibly,’ said Jenny. ‘You’re all dressed up. You’re equally likely to break an ankle yourselves. And anyway, I’m not letting you go outside on your own.’

  ‘You do realise that she might be quite happily having a break outside the door,’ said Bernice.

  ‘I need to be certain.’

  ‘Best not go in a big group,’ said Roisin. ‘People will wonder what’s up and we don’t know anything’s actually wrong.’

  ‘I’ll go outside with Colette,’ said Bernice. ‘You two follow us after a minute. Unless we come back with her straight
away, of course.’

  ‘OK,’ said Jenny.

  She watched as her two nieces retrieved their coats and went outside. She couldn’t believe that Steffie might have run into trouble again and that her wedding to Pascal might have triggered it.

  ‘It’s not your fault,’ said Roisin.

  ‘It is,’ said Jenny.

  ‘No.’ Roisin shook her head. ‘I’m as entitled as Steffie to be upset, you know. After all, I found out that my mother, who I always believed was perfect in every way, had an affair! That she left me and my brother to our own devices that summer while she had hot sex with a male model. I’m really entitled to be angry about that, Mum, but I’ve put it to one side because … because …’ She released her breath slowly. ‘Because it doesn’t matter. You can’t plan your life. Everyone does something they regret.’

  ‘You never have,’ remarked Jenny.

  ‘I regretted giving up my job,’ said Roisin. ‘I always felt I should’ve stuck with it. But it was too complicated after Dougie was born. So sometimes I regretted having him. Only because of that,’ she added hastily. ‘Not because I don’t love him to bits. Sometimes I think I had it all worked out, except it didn’t happen the way I wanted and I had to adapt.’

  Jenny nodded. ‘You’re such a good girl, Roisin,’ she said. ‘Of all my children, you’ve never given me a moment’s worry.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Without a doubt.’

  Roisin smiled. She was pleased to hear that. Pleased to know that she was, in at least one aspect, the favourite child.

  ‘It doesn’t look like Steffie is nearby,’ she said. ‘Neither Alivia nor Colette has come back.’

  ‘Dammit,’ said Jenny, and the two of them went out of the restaurant together.

  ‘Oh my God, it must be below zero out here.’ Roisin’s breath formed clouds in front of her mouth as she spoke. ‘She can’t have gone far, she really can’t.’

  ‘I called her,’ said Alivia. ‘But there was no reply.’

  ‘There are faint footsteps over here.’ Colette pointed at indentations in the snow. ‘They’re heading off towards the trees.’

  ‘Why would she have gone there?’ Jenny’s teeth were chattering. She didn’t have a jacket, and although the sleeves of her dress were three-quarter length, the scoop neck meant she was exposing a lot of skin to the elements.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Colette.

  The women followed the footsteps, which stopped beneath a tree.

  ‘There are more here,’ said Alivia as she looked at a jumble of prints. ‘So it’s like she met someone. But then they disappear into one set again. It looks like they’re going to the back of the building.’

  Her words were met with a horrified silence.

  ‘Maybe we should call the police,’ said Bernice.

  ‘Or maybe she met someone she knew,’ pointed out Colette. ‘Was there anyone at the party she might have hooked up with?’

  ‘Oh.’ Alivia put her hand over her mouth.

  ‘What? Someone?’ Jenny looked at her intently. ‘D’you know who, Alivia?’

  ‘The kitchen’s at the back of the building, isn’t it?’ said Alivia.

  Jenny’s eyes met her niece’s in a flash of understanding. ‘I didn’t think there was anything in that.’

  ‘Neither did I,’ said Alivia. ‘She said there wasn’t.’

  ‘In what?’ asked Roisin.

  ‘The chef,’ Alivia said. ‘She slept with the chef.’

  ‘Liam Kinsella!’ Roisin was shocked. ‘I know she stayed with him when she ran away the last time, but she never said … She couldn’t have … I don’t believe it.’

  ‘She said it was probably a one-off.’ Alivia was studying the footprints. ‘These aren’t Steffie’s, but they’re the only ones going anywhere.’

  ‘We need to check them out,’ said Jenny.

  They followed the prints, which led to a closed door at the back of the restaurant.

  Jenny moved ahead of the others and grasped the handle. Then she took a deep breath and opened the door.

  Steffie had been standing beneath the silver fir tree when she felt someone’s hand on her shoulder. She jumped with fright and gave a small scream.

  ‘Hey Steffie, don’t yell. It’s me.’

  She turned to see Liam Kinsella standing in front of her. He’d changed out of his chef’s whites and was wearing jeans, a checked cotton shirt and a pair of Timberland boots, which were far better suited to the snowy conditions than her high heels. His dark hair was tousled, as though he’d pulled the shirt over his head without bothering to undo the buttons. His expression was friendly but concerned.

  ‘What on earth are you doing out here?’ he asked. ‘Are you OK?’

  ‘Of course I’m OK,’ she said, her voice still sharp because of the fright. ‘You shouldn’t creep up on people like that.’

  ‘I didn’t mean to creep,’ he said. ‘I thought you’d hear me.’

  Snow muffles sound as well as feelings, she thought. And it was true: the music from the restaurant was muted, absorbed by the white blanket around them. But still, he could have been anyone creeping about in the dark. She said so.

  He laughed. ‘Fortunately I’m not just anyone,’ he said. ‘Why on earth are you out here?’

  ‘Why are you?’

  ‘I like to walk outside after I’ve finished work,’ he said. ‘And then I saw you. A snow princess beneath the tree.’

  She smiled. ‘Hardly.’

  ‘A snow princess with icy-cold feet, I bet.’ He looked at her elegant shoes.

  ‘Slightly,’ she admitted.

  ‘Want to come back inside and warm them up?’

  ‘I don’t want to return to the party yet,’ she said. ‘I came out to be on my own for a bit.’

  ‘I understand.’ He nodded. ‘But there’s no need to freeze your buns off. You can warm up in the office while the staff finish up in the kitchen.’

  ‘I …’

  ‘Come on,’ he said. ‘Allow me.’ And once again, Liam Kinsella lifted her into his arms.

  ‘I don’t need to be carried,’ she told him.

  ‘I can’t let my little snow princess freeze to death.’ There was amusement in his voice. ‘Nearly there now anyway.’

  She leaned her head against his shoulder as he climbed the steps to the wooden door and opened it. Once they were inside, he allowed her to slide from his arms.

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘And now my snow princess is melting,’ he said as the snow that had stuck to her hair began to form tiny pools on the tiled floor.

  ‘Sorry.’

  ‘Don’t be. You were lovely out there,’ he said. ‘And you look lovely in here too.’

  She blushed. She’d enjoyed being carried by him and was enjoying his compliments too. But she was also remembering that she’d slept with him and he’d walked away.

  ‘Thanks for agreeing to my parents … to Pascal and Jenny having their reception here. Roisin told me it’s the first time you’ve ever done that.’

  ‘I felt a certain proprietorial interest in it,’ said Liam equably. ‘And it doesn’t hurt for me to do special events from time to time. It’s good money for the staff, too.’

  ‘Maybe you should do more of them,’ suggested Steffie. ‘Themed nights could be fun. Or black-tie evenings.’

  ‘I hadn’t actually thought of that,’ said Liam. ‘A couple of minutes in your company and I’ve got new ideas already.’

  ‘I didn’t think you were interested in my ideas,’ she said. ‘Not that you have to be, of course, but you didn’t get in touch to say you were going to go ahead with it with someone else.’

  ‘I loved the design,’ he told her. ‘But I didn’t want anyone else to work on it, and you were too busy with your trip to Singapore. How amazing was that, though!’

  ‘It was only for ten days,’ she said. ‘But yes, imagine me as an international businesswoman! It was brilliant.’

  ‘I’m so plea
sed for you,’ said Liam. ‘You work hard. You deserve success.’

  ‘Thank you. And thank you for everything you did for me before.’

  ‘You’re welcome.’

  I slept with you, she thought during the silence that followed. I made love to you three times in twenty-four hours. I was wild and wanton and abandoned with you. And I told myself that it was great fun but a one-off thing because that was how you seemed to want to play it. Especially after meeting Steve. But it was so wonderful being in your arms just now. And I want to sleep with you again. Not only because of how much fun it was before, but because I feel connected to you. I wish you felt connected to me.

  ‘D’you think we can set up a business meeting?’ Liam had put a pod into the coffee machine on the sideboard beside his desk and switched it on. ‘So that we can get things moving with that design of yours? I love the line of aprons to click on the website.’

  ‘They were a fun idea really. I wasn’t sure they’d be appropriate, because you’re a high-end restaurant and I was afraid you were thinking something a little more formal.’

  ‘We try to do the best food possible,’ said Liam. ‘Doesn’t mean we don’t want to have fun with it. Besides, I don’t want my customers to feel intimidated by us.’

  He handed her a mug topped with froth. ‘Hot chocolate,’ he said. ‘To warm you up.’

  ‘Thank you.’ She took the mug from him and sipped. ‘It’s very good.’

  ‘I can make a better one from scratch,’ he told her. ‘But on the basis that your lips were blue with the cold, I thought I’d better go for speed over speciality.’

  She smiled.

  ‘And that’s nice,’ he said. ‘Seeing you smile. Seeing some colour in your cheeks.’

  ‘It was a bit mad to go outside,’ she admitted. ‘Seemed like a good idea at the time, though.’

  ‘I’m remembering the last time I carried you,’ said Liam.

  ‘Another rescue,’ she said.

  ‘Rescuing you might be going a little far,’ said Liam. ‘You turned up on my doorstep, after all.’

  ‘You rescued me,’ she said, ‘because you made me stop thinking of myself and my problems, although to be honest, I’ve still been horribly self-absorbed.’