The Ghosts of Varner Creek

by Michael Weems

  “No, sweetie,” began Mama, “here, come lie down on your bed.” And Sarah complied, lying down on the bed with nothing but her underwear on. “Now I’m going to take these off of yah and have a quick look, okay?” And she stripped Sarah down.

  Sarah just giggled. She thought being naked was a funny thing. A game that big people sometimes played, she’d been told.

  Mama inspected what she was looking for and stood back in horror when she found Sarah wasn’t untouched. I could see Mama's reaction from our place in the corner and it suddenly dawned on me what it meant. “Sarah!” My Mama said in a hushed yell, “You been doing it?” Sarah just started giggling again, but Mama got real serious with her. “Sarah! Listen to me now.”

  “What, Mama?” she asked, truthfully having no idea what Mama meant.

  Mama walked around the room a bit, her hands shaking and her mind swimming. She started chewing on her nails frantically like she did when she was stressed or nervous. Then she knelt again beside Sarah, who was sitting up now in the bed, still nude. Mama looked at her and her mentally retarded features. Who could possibly do such a thing, she thought? What bastard had been at her sweet little girl. “Sarah, sweetie, you been laying with any boys?”

  Sarah looked confused. She didn’t know what Mama was asking her.

  “Listen to me, honey,” said Mama, and she got down close by Sarah and held her hands. “Have you lain down with any boys?” she asked again slowly.

  “What b-boys?” asked Sarah.

  “Any boys,” Mama said, “Have you been laying down with any boys?”

  Sarah was still a bit confused, but then she smiled as she realized what Mama meant and said, “Sol!”

  “Sol?” my Mama asked in horror.

  “I lay down with S-Sol.”

  My Mama was nearly having a fit as she tried not to think of the unthinkable. Sol was just a little boy, it couldn't be him. "Do you lie next to him naked, Sarah?” she asks.

  But she’d lost Sarah again. “Naked sweetie,” said Mama forcefully, “like now, with no clothes on.”

  “No, Mama,” she responded.

  “No?” My mother repeated.

  “N-no,” Sarah said again.

  Thank God, my Mama thought. “Well, have you been laying with any boy naked?”

  Sarah didn’t like this conversation. It seemed like Mama was asking her hard questions on purpose, trying to confuse her. Did Mama mean just boys, or men, too, the big boys? “Daddy?” she asked Mama.

  My mother’s heart froze, “You been laying with daddy naked?” she asked.

  “Big P-People game,” Sarah started to explain.

  Mama’s fear was like a thick soup in the room. “What’s the big people game, baby?”

  Sarah suddenly remembered she was never supposed to talk about the big people game. It was a secret and he’d said Mama would be really upset and cry if she knew that they played it without her. “You can’t never tell nobody,” her daddy had told her. “It’s a secret game only big people are supposed to play, but since your Mama don’t play, you can have her place. But you can’t tell, because whoever you tell will get real sick and maybe even die,” he had said. “That’s why big people don’t never talk about it.”

  Sarah was scared, now. She had forgotten what her daddy had told her and now Mama might get sick and die if she told her, so she didn’t answer Mama’s questions and pressed her lips together tightly to show she didn’t want to tell.

  But Mama was in a frenzy now. She grabbed Sarah by the arm roughly and said sternly, “Sarah Mayfield, you tell me right now what he's been doing with you.”

  Tears filled Sarah’s eyes. She didn’t understand why Mama was acting the way she was, and she didn’t want to tell the secret that could make Mama be sick and die. And then Mama began to cry, and that scared Sarah even worse. Daddy had said that if Mama found out they played the game without her she’d cry. And now she was crying just like he said. So Sarah thought if she told Mama any more, the other things he said would happen, too. “You’ll d-d-die,” she tried telling Mama. Sarah knew that dying meant someone went away and never came back again.

  Mama was feeling sick. Every word took her closer to something so terrible that the very thought of it threatened to rend her in two, but she had to know. “Listen to me, honey,” she said softly, “Mama won’t die. But it’s very important that you tell me what you and your daddy have been doing.”

  Sarah looked at her skeptically.

  “Baby, does your mommy lie to you?” Asked Mama.

  “No, M-Mama,” said Sarah.

  Mama wiped a tear that was running at a sprinter’s pace down her cheek, “Then believe me, it’s okay to tell Mama.”

  Sarah had always been a complacent girl. She tried to do whatever her parents told her, like a good girl was supposed to act, daddy had said. She told her daddy she didn’t like playing the big people game because sometimes it hurt, but he said sometimes she had to do things she didn’t always like. That was part of being a big person. Sarah was thinking about the game now and started to tell Mama, “We hug and D-Daddy . . .” but she trailed off.

  “What?” said Mama. “What does Daddy do?”

  “He g-gets on me,” said Sarah.

  Mama dropped her head in despair and loss. “Oh, My God!” she whispered in horror. “No, no!” Her voice began to escalate and it frightened Sarah so much she started crying again. “Oh, baby!” said my mother quickly, “Sh-h-h, sh-h-h-, don’t cry, baby, don‘t cry.” And she reached out to hold Sarah.

  “Mama g-g-goin’ away?” asked Sarah, meaning was Mama going to die now that Sarah had done what her daddy had told her never to do.

  Mama was rocking her back and forth. “No, baby, it’s all right. Everything is all right. Mama’s not going away and Mama’s not mad.” She held Sarah close, wincing with pain.

  The tears kept coming for Mama. First a trickle and then a stream. She willed them to stop, forcing them to retreat, but they were getting the better of her. Instead she concentrated on rocking her baby in her arms, her pregnant girl child who was carrying her own sibling in the womb.

  As Mama sat there rocking Sarah and trying to think about what to do next, all the people arrived for the birthday party. I could feel Mama’s horror, and her shame. She couldn’t go out there and look at Pap, or me, or her sister, or Miss Thomas. She couldn’t imagine what would happen when people knew about Sarah’s condition, and who’d got her that way. It was too much to bear. She knew she’d have to tell someone, Emma, or Miss Thomas, someone . . . but not today. She didn’t have the strength to face this now. So she pushed it back into a corner like I’d learn to do so many years later. Her heart had just broke, though, and her mind was quickly following. . . .

  Chapter 16

  The scene changed and it was us sleeping in our bedroom. Sarah’s spirit was still standing next to my own and she said, “This is the bad place.” I could feel her not wanting to be here. There was something very sad about this memory to her. We stood side by side, looking down at the memory of our living selves sleeping peacefully. Sarah was still in her dress and I was like a log under my covers. Then I heard something outside the door and it quietly cracked open. When the door opened the fear inside of me coming from Sarah made me expect to see Pap standing there, but instead Mama crept quietly inside the room. She knelt down by Sarah and whispered, “Sarah? Sarah, baby? I need you to get up, now, girl.” Mama looked exhausted. Her face looked aged ten years and her eyes were puffy, and the feeling I got from her was of an eerie emptiness, like she’d be drained of emotions and was a hollow vessel.

  At first Sarah just tossed a bit, but Mama was persistent and nudging her. Finally Sarah opened her eyes and said, “Mama?”

  “S-s-sh-h-h,” hushed Mama. “Don’t wake Bubba.” The boy in the bed didn’t budge. “Get your shoes on . . . quietly,” Mama told her, “we’re going to take us a walk.”

  “W-w-walk?” whispered Sarah.

  Mama gave her
a stern look, “Just do as Mama tells yah.”

  Sarah got up and started putting on her slippers. She followed Mama out into the main room and then outside. We did, too, without taking a step. It was like watching a movie that changed scenes, except that we were inside of it with the characters. Mama took the former Sarah by the hand and was looking up at the moon. "You know, Sarah, when I was a little girl I was very bad," Mama told her. "I didn't listen to my own mother and I laid down with a boy, your daddy, when I wasn't much older than you are now, and I got pregnant with you. It was evil because we weren't married." She looked over at Sarah who was quietly trying to understand why Mama was acting so strange. "Do you know what Mama means by pregnant, baby?"

  Sarah shook her head no.

  "You, see, Sarah, when a man lays down with a woman like your daddy laid down with you, they make a baby." She bent down and put her hand on Sarah's belly, "Just like you have a baby in you, now."

  Sarah looked down at Mama's hand and said, "b-baby?" Sarah had seen babies before in town and lots of baby cows and pigs, and in this way understood what Mama was telling her.

  "Yes," said Mama, "but it's an evil baby because your daddy put it there. Daddies are never supposed to put babies in their own children, because it's a horrible sin.” She looked back up at the night sky filled with stars that looked down upon everyone, good or evil, with the indifference of her father, “Daddy’s always been a sinner, but this one is real bad, baby. He's made it so we’ll all probably go to hell when we die."

  Sarah was getting scared at what Mama was telling her. She'd heard all about hell at church, and it was the worst place anybody could ever go. A person would be set on fire forever, but never die. They'd just burn and burn. "Hell?" She asked frightened.

  Mama's eyes were kind of glazed over. She remembered reading the passage in her mother's Bible so long ago, about how children who were evil were supposed to be punished and killed. You must clear away what is bad from your midst, she remembered. Sarah wasn’t evil, she knew, but she had been tainted by it. The devil was in their midst, and Abram had been his instrument. He’d come soul collecting and would take them all down to the fiery pits, soon. Mama knew what she had to do to save Sarah's soul. She remembered her dream about fornicating in the Lord’s house, when her own mother had risen up to clear away the evil. ‘Harlot! Jezebel!’ Mama thought. Her mother had seen it in her, knew the evil seeds Mama had sown in sin. Now they’d ripened on the vine, and the devil had come to harvest. She knew what she had to do.

  She let go of Sarah's hand for a moment and walked over to her flower garden. She had decorated the trim with some large rocks she had asked Abram to bring home from the fields and knelt down to pick out a heavy one, but not so heavy that she couldn't manage it well enough. Sarah just watched her innocently, but Mama told her, "Don’t worry, baby, Mama ain't gonna let you go to hell." Sarah seemed to feel better about that. Mama never lied to her.

  Mama walked over to the well where she dropped her stone and began pulling up the bucket. "Come over here with me, Sarah Jane," she told her. She drew up the bucket of water and placed it on the ledge. "Do you know that when y’all was little, I took you and your brother down to the creek where the preacher baptized you. Do you remember that?" We had been six and five, respectively. Sarah nodded. She knew what being baptized meant and remembered something about a man all dressed up in a robe standing in the creek and dunking some of the kids under the water. "That’s the only way we can get our soul clean," Mama told her. "I want you to pray with me, now, okay, baby?" She helped Sarah put her hands together and then put her own hands the same way. "Dear God," she began. Sarah looked at her confused. Mama sure was acting funny, Sarah thought. "Say it with me, Sarah,” Mama told her, “Dear God . . ."

  "D-dear God," said Sarah.

  "Forgive me of my sins. . ." and she waited for Sarah.

  "F-f-forgive m-me of my sins."

  "Let me walk in your light," said Mama. Sarah echoed. "Make clean again my tainted soul." Sarah had trouble saying tainted, but she tried her best since this seemed important to Mama. "Make me whole again so that I may live in Your kingdom." Sarah followed along. "In Christ's name, Amen."

  ". . . Amen," finished Sarah.

  Mama had tears in her eyes but a strange smile on her face. I felt an odd mixture of happiness, relief, and misery coming from her. "Now, sweetie, I want you to put your face all the way in the water, just like that day down at the creek, okay?"

  Sarah thought it was awfully cold outside to be putting her head in a bucket of water, but she did as she was told. She bent over and put her head under the water, letting it come up over her ears silencing the world for a moment. As she did so, Mama bent down and picked up the rock. She was crying as she watched Sarah, and I could see her shaking from little sobs that were escaping her like hiccups. Mama walked right up behind Sarah, and when her little head came back up from the water, Mama’s arms went up behind her with the rock held in both hands. Sarah opened her mouth to get a good breath and when she did Mama came crashing down on her head. Sarah never saw Mama behind her, and didn’t see it coming. Mama had come down at a bit of an angle at the back of Sarah's skull, and her face hit hard on the metal handle of the bucket while her mouth was still open for a breath. Her left front tooth caught the force and cracked down to the root, the separated half flipping out to land on the ground where I'd find it nearly a month later that day at the well with Uncle Colby. Sarah's unconscious body slumped forward, head back down in the bucket. Mama had to quickly drop the rock and catch her to keep Sarah from completely falling over. She gently put her hands on the back of Sarah's head and held her under the water. I thought for sure she was already dead, but after a few seconds her fingers seemed to flinch a bit, and then her hand moved. Mama kept holding Sarah’s face down in the bucket as she came to. Under the water Sarah had regained consciousness to a horrid panic. I felt it hit me like a lightning strike, her emotions shooting outward like an exploding grenade. She was very scared and hurting quite a lot. Her head was pulsing with a throbbing pain and her mouth where her tooth had caught was also torturing her, but it was nothing compared to her fear. She tried to scream for Mama but there wasn’t any voice, only the little bit of breath left in her escaped, and then she couldn’t resist the overwhelming urge to breathe. The water flooded her lungs and she tried to cough it out, but there was no air left to do it with. The panic and pain in her seemed to break like a wave, and then she swayed into darkness. Mama held her for what seemed like minutes, rubbing her back as though Sarah wasn’t dead, but merely a sick child leaning over a bucket to throw up who Mama was trying to comfort. Finally, Mama leaned Sarah out of the water and laid her down on the ground.

  There was no life in the little body. Her lips were turning a little blue and already she seemed a deathly pale complexion. Mama pushed the hair out of Sarah's face and kissed her on the forehead. "It was to save your soul,” she told her dead daughter. "I'll go to hell, now, but not you, baby . . . not you, Mama's special angel." She kissed her again. Sarah’s spirit was still standing next to mine, holding my hand. “Mama didn’t mean it,” she told me again.

  I couldn’t speak. I was so horrified by what I’d just seen. All those years I thought Pap had murdered Mama and Sarah both, but now it was replaced by this awful truth.

  Mama stayed there on the ground with Sarah in her arms for a while, listening to the sounds of Varner Creek at night. The crickets were chirping and somewhere an owl was hooting in a distant tree. The chickens were restless at the sounds of the predator and started making a loud ruckus. "I remember going into the darkness," said Sarah by my side. "But I could still see Mama. I didn’t want to go into the dark by myself, so I tried to stay with her, to stay with my body. I could still see her a little, but it was like we are now, outside looking in. Mama couldn't hear me when I called out for her. She didn't know I was still there in my way."

  Eventually Mama got up again. She looked at Sarah's dead body
and the guilt assaulted her. But still she was happy, too, in a way. She had found the strength to free Sarah. But now what was she going to do? Her feelings were like a shadow, consuming everything in its darkness. She saw everything as a failure. Her life with Abram, the children they'd had together, the home they'd built together. It was all one huge evil rug the devil had weaved, and now it had to be undone. She'd clear it away, clear it all away. She had to save her children from the fires of hell.

  She went back into the house and into her bedroom, walking as though already a ghost. She looked behind the dresser for the shotgun, the double barreled one Pap used to kill game birds, rabbits, and squirrels. She looked at Pap in the bed and raised the gun, but then I felt the change in her. Her mind was falling to pieces but I could feel what it was that stopped her. It was me. She knew if she shot Pap in the bed, I’d hear the gunshot and wake up. Then she’d have to shoot me when I could see it coming, and she didn’t want that. She’d wanted Sarah to go peacefully, but she’d come to under the water and probably suffered. Mama didn’t mean that for her, and didn’t want to make a similar mistake. She’d have to shoot me first, in my sleep so I wouldn’t be scared. I couldn’t hear Mama’s thoughts, but I felt them so strongly, it was as though I could. She was convinced the devil had infected us all, and like an outbreak of disease, the only way to kill it was to burn everything. She felt like she could still save Sarah and me if she acted now. Her and Pap would have to go with the devil, though. Him for what he’d done to Sarah and all the other hateful things he’d done in his life, and her for killing her children, husband, and then herself like she planned. It was worth the sacrifice, though, if it saved her babies.

  Mama had just started out of the room towards mine when Pap stirred in the bed. The chickens' ruckus earlier had put him in a light sleep. He opened his eyes and saw her in the doorway with the gun, "Annie?” Mama stopped in her tracks, but didn’t turn around. Pap must have thought some animal was outside at the chickens and Mama had fetched the gun to go see about it, because he rose up out of bed and said, “What is it, snake or possum after the chickens?” Mama still didn’t turn around or say anything. “Well, you’d better give me the gun. You couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn.” Pap started getting on his pants like he was going to go see about the chickens, but Mama turned around finally and raised the gun at him. Pap looked at her confused for a moment and then said, “Annie, what the hell are you doin'?" She just stared at him, murderous emotions seeping from her like blood from a wound. Pap was cornered between the bed and the wall and had no place to run. His eyes were wide with fear, "Annie? Jesus Christ, what're you doin'?"