Insanity

by Xavier Neal

  “How many shots did you have?” I brace my arms across my chest.

  “Not sure. I do blame shots 11 and 12 for my presence at the porcelain God this fine morning,” he slyly says, more and more life coming back to him. Good. Because cocky, too annoying for his own good, Glove I can deal with. Bitchy because he didn't get his dick touched Glove I can put up with. But whatever that shit was when he got here? That's not something that should ever be around.

  I try, “So Mandy--”

  “I don't wanna fucking talk about her,” he looks down at his own feet he is rocking on.

  I push again, “But--”

  “No Grim,” his eyes meet mine. “I really don't.”

  With a sharp nod I shut my mouth. Before the tension between us can build any higher I toss my head, “Nine o'clock.”

  Glove glances over his shoulder and I see a well-known cocky smirk on his face. “Well hello stretchy pants. If you gentleman will excuse me. I see an ass that needs my name on it.”

  I should feel bad for pointing a dog like him on an innocent female like that, but I don't. He needs to get his shit together. He needs to get his mind off of her. The only way that's going to happen is if he gets a new girl under him. Or at least beside him. Fuck, just in his general eye range.

  Lordy sighs, “I know what I saw last night Grim. He's got it. And it's bad.”

  Uncomfortable I scratch the back of my neck and shake my head. “He barely fucking knows her.”

  “Didn't stop you.” I clench my fist in response. Instead of backing down he merely shrugs, “What? It didn't. Hasn't stopped any of us. When that kind of shit happens, it just happens. Speaking of, how are things with you and your girl?”

  Not thrilled with the topic choice I lay back and insist on starting another set of crunches, mumbling my answer, “I don't know.”

  “Still haven't forgiven her?” he shakes his head disapprovingly.

  On my next crunch, I stop and sit up leaning forward, “It's not that fucking simple.”

  “No Grim. It's not that fucking complicated. She made a mistake.” My jaw begins to tick, but he continues, “You think you're the only fucking person in the world to be cheated on? That picture I've carried around for years? She cheated on me. And yeah it hurt. But you know what hurt more? That she wasn't fucking sorry. Not even a little.” The admission takes me off guard. How is that even fucking possible? How can anyone do something like that and not have any goddamn remorse? Especially to a guy like Lordy? Yeah. He's larger than average. Yeah, he's a follower versus a leader. Yeah, he's a goofy bastard. But like the rest of us. He has heart. “That girl in the picture, cheated on me, and did it with a smile. Proud. Pleased. Not a shred of regret. Nothing like your girl, who would rather sit in an interrogation room reliving being raped, beaten, and tortured for years, than to have to go one more goddamn minute without having you in her life.”

  My jaw cracks open slightly. He knows. How the fuck does he know?

  “Yeah. I know,” he nods his head slowly. “And so does Glove. We were briefed on her and her status before she arrived. What fucking hurts is you didn't trust us enough to tell us from the beginning.”

  I lean forward in a low voice, “I thought I was doing the right thing.”

  “And not trusting us was the right thing? We're supposed to have your six on and off that field. You know damn well we would've done anything in the world to help you keep her safe because she matters to you. Which means she matters to us. And once we finally met her...the miracle woman who turned the ice cold dickhead into something with heart? There isn't anything we wouldn't have done to keep her in your life for you. In ours.”

  Guilt floods my system. Shame. Two emotions that I fucking hate. That I deal with about as well I handle rage. Both pump through my body rapidly. He's fucking right. He's beyond fucking right. I trust them with my life. How could I not fucking trust them with something like that?

  In a voice I don't recognize I cave, “I'm sorry.”

  Lordy stands up but nods. “You made a mistake. You're human. We make those.”

  His point proven forces my eyes down to the bench in front of me. I get it. I fucking get it. And it's not easy getting to this point, but I'm there. I've got to learn to forgive her for what happened.

  “Have you ever seen an ass like that bent over on a yoga ball?” Glove groans out before biting his fist. That's disgusting. Can he give himself rabies? “Please tell me we can join in that class? I have some muscles that only a woman like that can fix....she's the yoga instructor.”

  Lordy shakes his head and smiles, “This one time I'll do yoga with you. But I swear if it's your ass that's bent over in my face for the next hour, I'm gonna kick you in the nuts.”

  “Challenge accepted,” Glove playfully chuckles. “Grim?”

  “Not a chance in hell,” I chortle standing up. “I gotta get to Mindy's anyway. Promised her lunch, just the two of us.”

  Fact is I've seen Mindy very little since I've returned. Between her and Haven running this business and my unpredictable schedule with HORN we've barely had a chance to see each other. Definitely not alone. While we had lunch a couple of days when I first got home, it's been scarce since. It's interesting to me how all those moments we used to share, that I felt I could've done without, are the ones I need most now. At one point family was something I didn't think I wanted or fucking needed. In reality...it's the only thing that's ever actually kept me alive.

  “You know for an older woman her ass is just--”

  “Keep talking about her like that and you'll lose a lot more than your tongue,” I threaten.

  Glove smiles huge. Like he did it on purpose. Like he wants everything to be the way it used to. Before his Mandy problem. Before my Haven one. Before our careers tumbled into a territory we could've never predicted existed. Back when we were just a couple new jarheads fresh out.

  My fist slugs him hard in the arm. “Behave or I'll tell Lordy to bust out the shock collar.”

  “Who told you about my secret fetish?” the joke is followed by Lordy slugging him in the other shoulder.

  “Let's go Grossanova. There's a yoga instructor just waiting to put a restraining order out on you,” the clever line from Lordy has me smiling again. Damn. It really does feel good. Glove starts rambling but Lordy looks over his shoulder at me giving me a simple nod. One motion to let me know we're all good. That all is forgiven. That everything is back to normal. Fuck. Why can't making up with Haven be that simple?

  I give the gentlest knock on Mindy's front door as I open it. I call out, “Mindy...”

  “In here,” her soft voice hums.

  With a smirk I stroll around the corner, my hands in my jean pockets. The moment Mindy comes into view my smile widens. She's got her blond hair in a perfect high bun, a fitted sky blue dress, high heels, and an apron wrapped around her waist.

  “Slugger, you can't eat pizza every night for dinner,” Mindy says to me in a tone that reminds me of my mother's. It makes me squeeze my face tighter. She will never be my mother. She will never replace her no matter what. No matter what.

  “That's all I want.”

  “Look.” she turns around in her kitchen wiping her hands on her white apron. “I know this is hard for you. And I know it's not ideal to have to be here while your father is gone--”

  “Don't call him that.”

  “Slugger that's what he is.”

  “Don't call me that,” I snap.

  Mindy lets out a deep breath and I look down. She shouldn't call me that any more. No one should. I'll never pick up a baseball again.

  “I understand none of this is what you want, but I'm gonna look after you whether you like it or not. So you're not having pizza again. What do you think of Parmesan eggplant.” Without warning I stick my tongue out. She laughs and says, “I'll take that as a no. How about Parmesan chicken?”

  “At least it's meat,” I mumble and lean against her counter.

  “Are you listeni
ng to me Slugger?” Mindy's voice cuts through the memories that are flashing back more and more frequently.

  I lean against the same counter I did so many years ago and reply, “Sorry. What did you say?”

  “I asked were you hungry.”

  “Starving,” I answer as she finishes sprinkling cheese on the dishes. “What did you make?”

  “Chicken and avocado lettuce wraps with feta cheese and a secret homemade dressing,” she takes the plates over to the dining room table refusing to let me help when I offer. Once they're there we have a seat, fresh fruit and water on the table already waiting for us.

  My hands immediately fold my food and take a large bite. I'm really fucking famished. Haven't eaten since my protein shake before the gym. Honestly my body is used to it. It's endured worse. Hell, it endures worse. I learned out in the field the importance of ration and pacing, but HORN forces your body to learn that on another level. A level that kills those with less will power and determination.

  I look up to notice Mindy watching me with a soft smile, her hand wrapped around her water glass, her food untouched. Suddenly I feel like the little kid at the grown up table. Like I've lost my manners. Like I'm some caveman out of time eating at the table with nobility. I reach for my napkin and quickly apologize. “Sorry ma'am.”

  “Oh stop Slugger,” she swats me. “No need to be sorry. You're hungry. Besides it warms my heart to see you devouring my food like that. Reminds me of when you were younger. Coming home from a long day at school, to a long workout at home, only to be starving by dinner time. I swear when you were in high school I made enough food to feed a small country and it was still just barely enough. Doug used to see our grocery bill and wonder if I was feeding you or you and the entire school.”

  I smile and lean back in my seat, “I did eat. A lot. You know, I never did thank ya’ll--”

  “And you never will,” she cuts me off. In a stern voice she insists, “We took care of you Slugger. And we were glad to.”

  “I was such a pain in the ass.”

  “You still are,” she jokes. “And you were expensive.”

  I chuckle and take another bite, “Hey. At least I pay for myself now.”

  She shakes her head. “I can't believe I've barely seen you.”

  “That's what happens when your business is world famous.”

  Mindy leans over and swats me playfully before changing subjects. “When do you deploy again?”

  After swallowing I shrug, “Unknown. As of right now just some strict training missions. Nothing I can really talk about.” The phrase is said with an undertone. Mindy's smart. She knows. She knows when there's something I can't tell her and want to.

  She nods with a proud smile. It takes no time for it to sink in. “And my other little Jarheads of trouble? How are they?”

  “Good. Training as well.” I raise my eyebrows a clear indication they made it with me. That we're still a team.

  “Good,” she answers finally having a nibble of her own food.

  “How about you?” I casually ask between bites. “Tell me more about the business.”

  “God it's exciting!” She squeals loudly clapping her hands together. “I forgot how much I missed working. And then teaching Haven the ropes and watching her career grow is something special too. You remember how Michele had offered her that job and I countered?”

  My face frowns at the French Fuck's name.

  “Relax Slugger, it's just a name,” Mindy shakes her head. “Anyway, while I was trying to get paperwork lined up and in order, she went and tried a regular job for about a month.”

  “I didn't know that.”

  “It wasn't a big deal. Just something for her to see if that's where she might actually belong rather than just choosing to work with me because she was too scared to work on her own. She tried to work at this little country diner making pies and things. It was obvious she was miserable, but with her there for just a month their business soared. One night when everything was about to be finalized I asked her if she was sure she wanted in. That catering would be the right choice for her. The girl damn near called the boss at home to quit.” Joy expands in my chest. “It's a blessing for the both of us really. Doug thinks I should've done this years ago, but loves it more that I'm doing it with Haven. He thinks I seem happier.”

  “Are you?”

  “I feel that way. It gave my life a new direction. New purpose.” Mindy starts talking about the funnier woes of the job. Clients they've had that who were too hard to please. Food experiments that have gone wrong. I listen attentively, finishing my lunch and most of hers. The way Mindy is describing everything she's been up to since I left is nothing like I've ever heard before. It's like she's been given a second chance at life. Like before she had been just going through motions that made sense. Being a wife. Being a parent. I remember when I was younger she was this alive and vibrant, but when I left for the Marines it was like I took that part of her with me. And now it looks like Haven brought it back. How does she do that? How is it everyone she meets she manages to revive something that has died inside of them? If that's not a gift of an angel I don't know what is.

  “Slugger,” Mindy's voice slows down to a cautious level. “Have you two talked?”

  “We have,” I avoid eye contact.

  “About what happened?” my eyes flicker up and she immediately responds, “Slugger. You're going to have to talk about it.”

  “I know.”

  “Like now. Enough time has passed.” When I look away she lays a hand on top of mine, “I know it hurt, but you're going to have to forgive her. You're going to have to let it go and move past it.”

  “Why does everyone say that like it's just that easy?” my voice snaps quickly. The little bit of resistance that's been boiling inside now bubbling over. “Like it's just that goddamn simple? Like she didn't cheat on me!”

  “Slugger--”

  “No!” I bark. “She cheated on me. Do you know how much that hurt? Do you have any idea what it was like to go through that? To watch her drift away? To watch her turn to someone else when I was right there. I was right there!” my voice booms at Mindy. “She chose to walk away! She chose him over me! She chose--”

  “Stop!” Mindy yells harshly at me. “You place all the blame on her--”

  “That's where it should be!”

  “Really?” Mindy's voice raises at me again. “So everything is all her fault?”

  “She's the one who kissed someone else! Does she just get an automatic pass? ”

  “I didn't say that!”

  “What are you saying?”

  “That maybe the constant texting and the constant phone calls crowded her,” Mindy starts slowly. “Or maybe the little hints of wanting to marry her were too fast for her! Maybe they were too intense Clint! Maybe feeling like her whole life was already planned out for her by you scared her!”

  “So I drove her away for wanting to plan a future with her?”

  “I didn't say that either! Stop putting words in my mouth!”

  “Like I'm sure you think I did her.” I don't leave time for the snide remark to settle. “How the hell am I supposed to move on past something like this? No it's not the end of the world, but it was the end of mine.”

  The confession causes Mindy to close her eyes and shake her head. “You sound like your mother.”

  Confused I fall back against my chair, “What the hell does that mean?”

  Mindy presses her lips together and struggles to open her eyes. “Slugger--”

  “No! What the hell does that mean?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Tell me!”

  Wearily she looks up at me sighs, “My mistake.”

  “Mindy--”

  “I shouldn't have said that.”

  Rage and frustration alike hook themselves around my veins until they're the only thing pumping through my bloodstream. Pounding my hands on the table I snap, “What the hell does that mean!”

 
; “It means you need to talk to Whiskey about this,” she softly responds.

  “Did my father cheat on my mother?” Mindy doesn't answer. “Did he?”

  “This conversation is over.”

  “Mindy!”

  In a shaky voice she reaches for my plate and whispers, “Talk to Whiskey Slugger. Talk to him about forgiveness. About moving on. Talk to him and see if it doesn't help.”

  Livid, I storm past her slamming the door behind me. Racing across the street I burst through the front door to see him fiddling with his sling annoyance and frustration on his face. Without so much as a small warning I shove myself in his view.

  “You fucking cheated on mom?!” The accusation comes out so fiercely and out of left field to him that he slams his back against the couch. When he doesn't respond, I demand, “Answer me!”

  “Watch your tone,” he replies coldly.

  “No,” my defiance causes him to glare. “Answer me!”

  Several quiet beats pass before he questions, “You finally read your mother's journal?”

  Baffled by his response I bite, “So it's true? How could you do that?”

  “I--”

  “How could you fucking do that to her! To us!”

  “I--”

  “We were your family!”

  “It's not that simple son--”

  “Don't call me that.” I grumble. “You don't get to cheat on my mother and then call me your son!”

  “Like it or not Clint Thomas Walker you are my goddamn son,” he growls in defense. “And she was my wife! And people make mistakes--”

  “That seems to be the only fucking thing people do!”

  “Watch your tongue! You may be in Special Ops now Marine, but you will remember you are in my house. I am your father. You will treat me with respect.”

  “Respect can be earned and squandered. And you have lost mine,” the words tumble out of me without so much as a second thought.

  Sir stands to his feet and take two steps towards me putting him within striking distance. All the rage inside me rushes towards my fists that are dying to plant themselves in his face. To lay into him. To put him six feet under where he should be. Not where mom ended up.