Barrier

by Patrick Jones

I paused. I had thought that proms and dances were stupid, but maybe that was only because I knew I’d never go. “Maybe.”

  “If we could dress like this for a school prom, that would be something.”

  “I don’t think Rondo has a prom,” I said. “But if it did, I doubt it would be that alternative.”

  He smiled. “You’re funny. I like that about you. To be honest, I like almost everything about you.”

  I was pretty sure this was him flirting, so I took the bait. “Almost?”

  “Except I don’t like the smell of smoke on you.”

  My smile turned into a pout, which gave Dylan a soft landing space for our first kiss.

  19

  MY LIFE ALOUD IN SIX WORDS

  On the day before our term final, I had to present my six-word memoir to the class. The night before, I read over the paper and chose two to read aloud. Then I did my yoga exercises, did my breathing routines, rubbed Maurice’s belly, and thought about cosplay, Dylan, and everything else that brought me pleasure. When I felt the first anxiety domino start to tip, I jumped online to the teen forum, where people like me all over the world were fighting similar stress monsters. My fellow dragon slayers calmed me down so that the next morning, I was ready.

  The paper had twelve memoirs, two more than required. I thought I should do more to make up the incomplete. And even though Nina Martin stressed living in the present, I knew my past—and my parents’ past—was an important part of my story. I wrote one for Dad.

  Please emerge from basement, engage now

  And I wrote one for Mom.

  Scared of dying, avoids really living

  Mrs. Howard-Hernandez called roll and tried to get students settled, hard to do with everyone eager for the break. We would have the final test tomorrow and then some days off while the teachers finished grades. In all the classes where I hadn’t needed to talk much, where the teachers didn’t challenge me, I knew I’d earned As. But in language arts and science, I’d let my disorder take control, and my grades had suffered. All I could hope was that they’d heard the improvement.

  “Before we start, Jessica needs to read her six-word memoir,” Mrs. Howard-Hernandez announced to the class.

  Around the room, I sensed that people realized this was a big deal for me. As I got up in front of everyone, I asked myself six questions.

  Were people really staring, rather than just looking at me? No.

  Were they really judging me? No.

  Were they really making fun of me? No.

  Did it really matter what they thought? No.

  Was I stressed out? Yes.

  But could I control the stress? Yes.

  It was a technique Dr. Martin had taught me, among so many others.

  “Since I’m so late in doing this, I’m doing two,” I said. I set the paper quickly on Mrs. Howard-Hernandez’s desk. I could remember twelve words, especially since I probably couldn’t stop my hands from shaking if I held up the page.

  “The first is about what I’m not. Here we go.” Deep breath, relax, thanks Dr. Martin. Eyes for once not on the floor, but on the sea of friendly faces. “Not shy, not sad, not silent.”

  Dylan applauded the loudest, although Tonisha was a close second. I imagined for a moment that Juan, Selena, and Skylar were also in the audience. Others too: Mr. Aaron became my father, Mrs. Howard-Hernandez stood in for my mother. Across the miles, Tim sat in a Verdant Hill classroom, but in my mind he was here with me now.

  “So, here’s my life aloud in six words,” I said, clear and strong: “My new life starts right now.”

  AUTHOR’S NOTE

  According to the Social Anxiety Support website (www.socialanxietysupport.com), Social Anxiety Disorder is defined as “a mental health diagnosis used to describe a level of social anxiety that is so distressing, excessive, and/or pervasive that it is significantly interfering with an individual’s quality of life. The feared or avoided situations in social phobia can be very narrow and specific, or may extend to the majority of one’s interactions with others” (“Social Anxiety Disorder and Social Phobia: Symptoms and Treatment,” Social Anxiety Support, 2014, http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/disorder/).

  I spent a great deal of time lurking on the various forums on that website, in particular the teen support page. In addition to reading various posts, I also reached out and asked for research subjects, so thanks to Amanda, Genelia, Jacob, Jenna, Kori, Manon, Martim, Nicky, Shane, and Shelia Rae for sharing their stories and answering my questionnaire.

  Another helpful resource was What You Must Think of Me: A Firsthand Account of One Teenager’s Experience with Social Anxiety Disorder, by Emily Ford (Oxford University Press, 2007).

  In addition to my own research, Nancy McLean reviewed the manuscript for accuracy of my portrayal of social anxiety disorder and the therapeutic process. McLean is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) with a graduate degree and clinical work experience. Along with a two- to three-year master’s program with a practicum and internship, LMFTs are required to complete clinical training in individual or family therapy.

  Finally, as with all the books in The Alternative series, students and teachers at the South Saint Paul Community Learning Center read and commented on the manuscript, in particular John Egelkrout, Mindy Haukedahl, Kathleen Johnson, and Lisa Seppelt.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Patrick Jones is the author of more than twenty novels for teens. He has also written two non-fiction books about combat sports: The Main Event, on professional wrestling, and Ultimate Fighting, on mixed martial arts. He has spoken to students at more than one hundred alternative schools, including residents of juvenile correctional facilities. Find him on the web at www.connectingya.com and on Twitter: @PatrickJonesYA.