Saving Our Hearts

by Velvet Reed

  We say goodbye to the ICU nurses and Doctor White, thanking them for everything they’ve done for Gracie, and then head off to another section of the hospital. Gracie has no idea where I’m taking her when we get in the elevator, so she doesn’t question where we’re going. She’s so quiet. “I bet you’re glad to be out of there,” I say.

  “I’d rather be at home than heading to another part of the hospital, but that’s not going to happen.”

  It’s disconcerting hearing and seeing Gracie like this. My normally bright, happy woman isn’t so cheery right now, so I’m praying that what’s about to happen, when we get off this elevator and turn the corner, will help bring her back.

  “Good Morning, Doctor Tierney,” Nurse Walters greets us. “This must be Mom.”

  “Good Morning and yes this is Gracie,” I reply. Gracie looks at Nurse Walters then to me with questioning eyes, so I smile down at her and say, “I thought it was about time Cooper got to meet his mommy.”

  Immediately overcome with emotion, Gracie whimpers, “Really? I finally get to see him?” Her bottom lip quivers as she tries to hold it together. I crouch down beside the wheelchair and tuck the dangling strands of auburn hair behind her ear.

  “You sure do, Sweet Cheeks. Come on. Let’s not make him wait any longer, or you.” I press a quick kiss on her nose and am rewarded with a blinding smile as she realizes this is really going to happen.

  Nurse Walters takes us through, explaining to Gracie the importance of all the procedures parents and family have to do before they can enter the NICU. Nothing can wipe the smile from Gracie’s face as I help her wash her good hand and we place another gown over her. As we walk through the final set of doors and all the incubators come into sight, Gracie lets out a little gasp. “I didn’t realize there would be this many babies in here,” she whispers and then she looks back up at me. “It’s like he already has his own little group of friends.”

  I smile back at her and chuckle. Only Gracie would think of something like that in a situation like this. As we walk further into the room, Gracie waves to a few of the other parents who have looked up from their babies curious to see who the new visitor is. I can see the surprise and sympathy on their faces as they take in Gracie’s physical state. I nod to a few who I have seen or spoken to before, but my attention is mainly focused on Gracie. Her whole demeanor has changed since we came through the NICU doors. Gone is the unfamiliar sad, melancholy mood that had descended on her and in its place is the woman I love, who’s eager and happy once more.

  When we get to Cooper’s incubator, I maneuver the wheelchair as close as possible and apply the brake. I move to stand beside her and take in the sight of our son. “Good morning, little man. Daddy has brought a very special visitor to meet you today,” I tell him.

  Grace winces as she reaches forward and places her hand on the incubator. “He’s incredible,” she whispers, her eyes brimming with love and awe. “He’s smaller than I expected and there’s so many tubes and wires attached to him, but he’s incredible. He’s the most beautiful little thing I’ve ever seen.”

  I place my hand on her shoulder and she lets go of the incubator to reach back and put her hand on top of mine. “He’s our son, Gracie, and he’s absolutely perfect.”

  “Is he doing okay? I mean I know you’ve all been giving me updates and telling me about him, but is there anything wrong with him?” She looks to me with questioning eyes, desperate to know the truth.

  “He’s doing great, Sweet Cheeks. He’s getting a little stronger every day and he’s maintaining his temperature and BP. If he keeps improving the way he has been, it won’t be long until he’s breathing on his own. But I think what I’ve noticed is that he’s put on a little bit of weight.”

  Gracie’s face lights up with yet another smile, something she’s done more since we entered this room than in the last two days she’s been awake. “That’s great news. I mean it’s not that I didn’t believe any of you when you spoke about him. I guess I was just worried that if there was something wrong, you would all keep it from me so I didn’t get upset.”

  I take her face in my hands, gently cupping it, ensuring she can see the absolute truth and sincerity in my words. “I would never keep the truth from you, Gracie. I did it once and I will never do it again, especially about something as important as our child.”

  She nods and whispers, “I know, Cole.” I press my lips to hers and then move back so she can see Cooper again. After a time, as she simply gazes lovingly at him, she asks, “Who gave him the teddy bear?”

  The blue teddy bear that’s in the incubator with him is almost the same size as Cooper is. “I did. Well mom picked it up for me since I haven’t left the hospital, but I asked her to. Nurse Walters told me about the use of soft toys to keep the parent scent with the baby, so while you were unconscious you slept with the teddy for a night and then I brought it down here so that Cooper could smell his mommy.”

  Gracie’s head whips around in shock. “He’s been able to smell me even though I haven’t been here?”

  “He has. Apparently, some parents use it to measure the baby’s growth as well by taking photos with the toy. He looks so tiny next to it now, but can you imagine when he’s bigger and actually holding it? It will be amazing to see the difference.”

  “Wow,” is all Gracie says in response.

  “I don’t mean to interrupt, but I need to do Cooper’s cares now,” Nurse Walters says.

  “His cares?” Gracie asks confused.

  “Yes. That’s what we call it when we check his temperature, his ears, change his diaper and reposition him. It gets done every three hours.”

  “Oh. So you get to touch him?” The yearning in Gracie’s words is almost tangible. I know what it felt like not being able to touch Cooper and my heart squeezes knowing that Gracie still hasn’t and he’s one week old already.

  “Yes, I do,” Nurse Walters replies. “And...” she pauses for effect and to gain Gracie’s full attention, “as long as Cooper is doing as well as he has been, Doctor Bailey thinks it’s about time this little guy gets a cuddle from his parents.”

  My heart pounds erratically in my chest and Gracie gasps. “Oh, my goodness, that would be so amazing, but I don’t see how I can hold him with only one working arm.”

  “That’s fine, Ms. Rivers. I’m here to assist you and make sure Cooper is comfortable at all times. Let’s check him out first and then we’ll see about that cuddle.”

  Over the next fifteen minutes, we watch as Nurse Walters goes through the practiced routine with Cooper. She records what needs recording, and then finishes off by changing his diaper. Gracie keeps a keen eye on every little thing that the nurse does and more than once I notice her fingers twitching as if they’re desperate to touch her baby boy. I’m praying so hard that he’s well enough for Gracie to cuddle him. As much as I want to hold him myself, I’ll wait because I know this is exactly what Gracie needs right now to keep her from drowning in depression and to reassure her he’s doing well.

  “Well, little guy, I think you’re ready for your very first cuddle with your mommy, and by the looks of her, she sure is ready to cuddle you too.” She looks over at Gracie and gives her a bright smile. “You can only hold him for twenty minutes at a time and skin to skin contact is the best thing, so why don’t we get you more comfortable in the recliner.”

  “Sure.” Gracie replies and another nurse comes over to assist me with moving Gracie from the wheelchair and into the recliner where I have spent so much time over the last week. The pain on her face as she tries to get more comfortable isn’t enough to stop her from doing what she’s about to do. I doubt that there’s anything that could take Gracie’s focus off Cooper right now. Not even me.

  The second nurse comes over with a blanket to help cover Gracie up a little and provide some modesty as she’s still in her hospital gown without anything underneath. “This is just so you’re not on display for everyone,” she says with a smile. After dr
aping it on Gracie, she turns and closes the curtain around us for added privacy.

  I’m crouching down beside Gracie and take her hand in mine. “Are you ready?” I ask, knowing it’s probably a stupid question but feeling somewhat nervous myself because this will be the first time I’ve seen Cooper out of the incubator too.

  “I’ve never been more ready for anything in my entire life,” Gracie replies and the determination and certainty in her words and tone spur the nurses into action.

  “Doctor Tierney, can you pull down her gown please?” Nurse Walters asks.

  With quick and careful movements, I ease down the hospital gown on Gracie’s uninjured side. Gracie looks up at me through her thick eyelashes and a blush rises on her cheeks as her breast is bared for me to see. Even in a hospital gown, she’s gorgeous. Smirking, I give her a quick kiss on the lips and whisper, “Now is definitely not the time to be looking at me like that, Sweet Cheeks. I’ve got at least another five weeks to wait, possibly longer.” She giggles in response and I wink at her as I move back, and then mentally chastise myself for the inappropriate thoughts that just went through my head. Get a grip, Cole!

  With extreme care, Nurse Walters picks Cooper up out of the incubator and brings him over to Gracie, seeing him like this is different and somehow makes him look smaller. As his little body, in only a diaper, makes contact with Gracie’s chest, she sucks in small breath and closes her eyes. When she opens them again, they’re sparkling with tears and then her smile lights up the room, momentarily stunning me. My heart swells and pounds so hard it hurts at the sight of the woman I love holding our son for the very first time.

  Making sure all the wires and tubes attached to Cooper are placed just so, Nurse Walters tells Gracie to hold his back and again states the importance of touching, not rubbing his skin. Then she moves away and I’m left with the unobstructed view of Gracie gazing down at Cooper with more love in her eyes than I ever imagined possible. I inch my way closer and when I’m right beside my family, my life, I relent to the emotion welling inside me and shed my own tears of love and joy.

  Gently moving my hand forward, I place it just below Gracie’s on Cooper’s back, the need to be an active part of this moment a necessity. As if thinking the same thing, Gracie and I both lean in and place the softest of kisses on Cooper’s head, then our eyes meet and a silent connection made. “Thank you, Grace.” I say fervently. She tilts her head to the side and smiles, and then returns her attention to Cooper.

  “Hello, my beautiful boy. I’m your mommy. I love you so much, Cooper. Mommy loves you so much.” And she kisses him again.

  “He’ll be able to hear your heartbeat, Ms. Rivers, and by holding him skin-to-skin, you’re sharing your warmth and actually helping him regulate his.” Nurse Walters informs Gracie.

  “Can I ask what your name is?” Gracie asks.

  “It’s Julie,” she replies.

  “Thank you, Julie. Thank you for taking such good care of Cooper,” Gracie responds with affection in her voice. “And please, call me Gracie.”

  “Absolutely.” Julie nods, and then continues, “Now, he won’t move much because his muscles aren’t strong enough yet, but he will do jerky movements just like when he was in the womb. Don’t worry when he does that because it’s completely normal.”

  “Okay,” Gracie acknowledges. Her gaze moves from Cooper to me and her tears continue to trickle down her cheeks. “It’s the most amazing feeling, Cole. He’s so tiny and soft and I can feel his little heart beating through my hand on his back. Here, feel.”

  I move my hand above Gracie’s then she takes hers away so that mine can be in position, and then I feel it. In all my years as a doctor, I’ve never felt anything more amazing then the beating of my son’s heart. Its vital rhythm, a sign not only that he’s alive but that miracle’s truly do happen. It’s the most beautiful beat I’ve ever felt.

  “Turn this way, Mom and Dad.”

  Gracie and I both turn our heads to the other nurse who has a camera in her hands snapping away eagerly. Being so caught up in the moment taking photos hadn’t even occurred to me and I feel ridiculous for not thinking about catching this moment to remember and look back on it forever. “Can I take photos using my phone?” I ask.

  “Sure,” Julie says, “We’ll also get any we’ve taken printed off for you,” she adds.

  “Wow, that’s fantastic. Thank you so much,” I say and then move back from Gracie and Cooper, get my cell phone out of my pocket and start taking photos.

  We spend the next ten minutes murmuring words of love to Cooper, moving the position of our hands and sharing this amazing moment as a family. When the twenty minute mark is over, Gracie’s reluctant to let him go, but I can see she’s tired too and I need to get her to her new room so she can rest. With a few more soft kisses, Nurse Walters, Julie, takes Cooper from Gracie and puts him back in the incubator, settling him in a different position than before.

  When he’s settled and I have Gracie’s gown back in place, Julie comes over to help me get Gracie up and into the wheelchair again which proves to be a lot harder than getting her in the recliner or out of bed. In obvious need of more pain relief, as she’s breathing in heavy pants and her face is tight, I move behind her ready to head off to her room. Gracie blows a kiss in Cooper’s direction and says, “Mommy will be back to see you soon baby boy.”

  I bid my own farewell to my son, kiss my hand and place it against the incubator as I say a silent prayer of thanks and wish for him to keep getting stronger. As we walk out of the NICU, Julie says, “Maybe from now on we should just leave you in the wheelchair, Gracie. I know it’s not as comfortable as the recliner, but it will save you being moved about too much and causing any extra discomfort.”

  “That sounds like a good idea. What do you think, Sweet Cheeks?”

  “As long as I get to hold him again, I don’t care where I sit or how much pain I’m in. He’s my baby boy; his needs will always come before mine.” Gracie’s steely tone shows no room for discussion on the matter and that she’ll do whatever our son needs no matter how it will affect her. “When will we be able to hold him again?” she asks.

  “Well, at this stage, it’s only once a day I’m afraid. However, as he gets stronger, you will be able to hold him for longer and more often. We just have to take it one day at a time and let Cooper’s progress determine what happens next.”

  “Thanks, Julie. Okay, baby, let’s get you to your new room and let you rest. You’ve had a big morning and I bet there’s some visitors waiting to see you too.” With a quick wave, we head for the elevators again.

  “I love you so much, Cole. Thank you for taking me to see Cooper. It’s exactly what I needed. I think I would have gone crazy if I had to wait any longer,” she confesses as she looks up at me.

  Running my fingers down the side of her face, I take in this beautiful woman. “I’ll always do everything I can to make you and Cooper happy, Gracie. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for either of you and I intend to make you both very happy for the rest of my life.”

  Her eyes glisten again as I lean down and touch her lips with mine. I know from this moment, as we move forward together, with both Gracie and Cooper getting stronger and better each day that everything’s going to be fine. We’re going to get through this and nothing will hurt us again. I won’t let it.

  Chapter 8

  Grace...

  Cole and a few new nurses help me get settled into my new room and back into bed. I’m already over being in bed, but with two broken limbs and a few ribs, I guess I’m going to have to suck it up for the next five weeks. Until these casts come off, I won’t be doing much of anything. Personally, I’d much rather put up with the pain and be upstairs with Cooper.

  Getting to hold him earlier and feel his little body against mine was incredible. He’s real, not just some imagined little being that my family has been telling me about for the past few days. I could have thrown myself into Cole’s arms and kissed the
ever-loving hell out of him for getting the doctors approval to let me meet our son. My dad was right when he said that Cooper had so much hair. If he was a girl, you could almost put it in a tiny little pigtail. He’s completely perfect. The only down side is that we can only hold him once a day. It just doesn’t seem fair. I’d have him nestled against me all day if I could, but there’s also the fact that Cole hasn’t held him yet, and as much as I want to, I won’t monopolize holding him every day. Tomorrow, it will be Cole’s turn to intimately bond with his son and I can imagine the sheer perfection of that sight in my mind.

  “I think Mom went a little bit overboard,” Cole chuckles and my daydreams of Cooper are broken.

  I take in my new room and the overabundance of flowers that cover just about every surface. Maybe Ashley could set up a second shop from here in my hospital room. “They can’t all possibly be from your mom.”

  Cole laughs. “No, not all of them.” He then goes to each bouquet and plucks out the cards and recites who they’re from. My dad, Charlie and Ruby, Olivia and John, April, Sam, the girls at the florist, Allison, Brad from the garage and of course the most amazing bunches are from Ashley and Cole. And God forbid I forget the ‘It’s a boy’ and ‘Get Well Soon’ helium balloons. Slightly overwhelmed, I take a deep breath in, ignoring the pain in my ribs. It’s incredibly humbling to know so many people love and care about Cooper and me.

  “Mom also went by the house and got you your toiletries and clothes, and some for me too of course.” He’s now going through the drawers and cupboard not far from my bed.

  “Babe, not that I don’t want you here, but don’t you think you should go home and get some proper rest now that I’m awake and Cooper is doing fine? I mean, you’ve got to be starting to hate this place since you haven’t left in a week,” I tell him.

  “No!” he almost shouts and he’s beside me with quick strides. “I’m not going anywhere. You and Cooper are here, so this is where I am. We’ll go home together.”