Broken Identity

by Ashley Williams

  Andrew relaxed in his seat. So much anger inside. God, I’m sorry for feeling this way, but it’s hard not to remember what he did to that kid. When I think of that monster shoving Ronnie against a wall or gripping his arms so he can… He cut his words short as a tremble coursed through his body. Who was he trying to kid? He wanted nothing to do with his brother, let alone talk to him. Then again, he couldn’t simply go barging into Kevin’s house without saying a word and start loading his car with Ronnie’s toys either. Just help me handle this like You would, Jesus. I don’t want to cause more trouble than what’s already been started.

  Aware that he was being watched through one of the bay windows, Andrew maintained his firm posture and stepped out of the car. He walked promptly up the front porch and knocked forcefully on the solid oak door—his way of announcing that Kevin’s shallow attempts to scare him weren’t working.

  After making Andrew wait several minutes, Kevin finally came and unbolted the door.

  Andrew nodded to his brother without blinking. “Suppose you know why I’m here.”

  Kevin said something under his breath and seemed to breathe down Andrew’s neck as he walked inside. “Get what you came for and get out,” he warned.

  Your thoughts are the same as mine. I don’t want to stay here any longer than I have to, believe me. Andrew turned around halfway in the living room and said, “Where’s Ronnie’s bedroom?” It had been so long since he had been allowed in this house that he honestly couldn’t remember.

  “You mean where was it?” Kevin said gruffly. “End of the hall.”

  “Thank you.” Andrew stepped around Kevin and found Ronnie’s old bedroom. An undersized toy box in the corner of the room, a simple nightstand and dresser, a few strewn items on the floor, and a couple of glued puzzles hidden underneath his slim twin bed were all Ronnie had to call his own. Andrew searched the room for the toys he had bought Ronnie for his birthday and Christmas, but they were nowhere in sight. Kevin probably sold them and pocketed the money. What a jerk.

  Andrew had estimated a few hours work to get everything cleared out, but now he questioned if it would even take him half that long. He started first with the toy box, dumping most of its contents into a sleeping bag he found stuffed high in the closet. It took two trips to get all the toys out using the sleeping bag method, and he started next with the clothes. Every time he walked out to his car carrying an armload of Ronnie’s things, Kevin was standing at the end of the hall with hateful eyes, watching him.

  Drake stopped reading only to sneak into the kitchen and grab a quick snack. Still so many questions and not enough answers. At least, not any satisfying ones. With every assumption he had made about how his mom might have left, a loophole always left him craving more answers. Then again, maybe he was searching for something that didn’t even exist. Could it be that he was trying to make logical excuses for his mom’s disappearance when the fact was none remained but the obvious? So she just left, is that it? Just packed up her things and walked away from me forever?

  Drake threw a lumpy pillow behind his back and flipped to the page he had left marked with the green bookmark. No goodbye, no letters, no phone calls, and yet I’m supposed to somehow leave it at that and go on with my life? Trying to keep his mind objective, Drake decided to at least finish the journal before coming to any real conclusion.

  Out of the blue today, Ben surprised me by telling me he was going to take me on a trip. I’m so excited! He didn’t say where, and I have to be honest, it came as a shock at first. Dad agreed to watch Drake while we were gone, so we dropped him off this afternoon. He started to cry when I told him goodbye, but I assured him that he would have a wonderful time with his grandpa and that I would come back for him soon. Almost immediately, he was laughing and playing off in another room, so I closed the door and we left.

  Ben and I are driving now and will probably have to spend the night in a hotel. I told him we could sleep in the car so it would be cheaper, but he insisted we stay at the hotel. You should see how many bags I brought. Ben said I was overdoing it, but, hey, that’s what vacations are all about, right? I’m looking forward to tomorrow already. Ben still hasn’t told me anything yet, so I guess it’ll all be a big surprise. But that’s OK. I’m sure whatever it is, I’ll love it.

  I’m not being very good company to Ben writing like this, so I’ll stop now. (But I’m sure I’ll be filling lots of pages tomorrow telling about all the fun we’ve had!)

  Despite his mental turmoil, Drake smiled at the excitement his mom must have felt. Going on a big trip to who knows where sounded like a dream, even if it meant just going a few miles out of town to see new places. All the scenery Drake had to bore his eyes with every day was corroded barbed wire fences and cracked roads. He honestly believed that the wildlife had better living conditions than most people here did.

  Anxious to see what his mom wrote next, Drake pressed his back deeper into his pillow and turned the page.

  Blank. No words. No date.

  Nothing.

  What? Drake furrowed his brow and turned over another page.

  Nothing but more empty pages.

  Frustrated and even more bewildered, Drake took the diary in his hands and flipped the pages until he reached the end.

  Every page was blank.

  Drake’s stomach felt as if it were coiling into knots as an even bigger wave of confusion ruptured in his heart. From everything he had read, his mom certainly didn’t seem like the type of person who had a reason to leave. She was happy, full of life, energetic, excited…

  So what happened?

  Drake checked his watch and found it to be a little past three in the morning. I wonder if I could find her, he thought. I can’t keep wondering like this for the rest of my life, and Dad’s sure not gonna spill any time soon. I know the chances are slim, but it’s worth a shot.

  Not completely sure what he was doing but determined to do it anyway, Drake snatched a duffel bag from his closet and began packing his clothes, his mom’s journal, and what little money he owned. This was crazy, but oh well. Too much time had already passed. Now it was time to take it a step further and do something about it.

  Ben stumbled into the room, awakened by the sudden noise. He wiped his eyes and tried to avoid looking into the light. “What are you doing, Drake?” he groaned.

  Drake hardly acknowledged his dad’s presence. “Going to find Mom,” he said simply, stuffing his jacket in the side pocket.

  Ben braced himself against the doorframe. “You’re what?!”

  Drake rolled his eyes. “You heard me. She’s out there somewhere, and I’m gonna find her.”

  “And how exactly do you expect to do that?”

  Drake ignored him and kept packing. “Don’t worry about me,” he said sarcastically. “You never have before.”

  “You won’t last a day on your own. And what about the money you’ll need?”

  Drake stopped what he was doing and faced his dad. “All I know is that you and her were going on a trip and stopped at some hotel on the way. After that, the journal stops. No explanation. No nothing.”

  “Your mom left,” Ben said bluntly. “You’re wasting your time.”

  Drake zipped up his bag and tossed it on his bed. “What really happened that night? She sounded so happy, and then—”

  “Oh, your mom was happy, all right. Ever since she got hold of a stupid book she found, she turned into a religious nut!”

  “I know she was a Christian. I read it. But that still doesn’t explain why she would just suddenly pack up and hit the road. There’s a big gap missing, and the least you can do is tell me what happened—”

  “I already told—”

  “—so that maybe I can understand this a little more. You’re forgetting that I’m eighteen years old, Dad. If Mom was involved in some kind of an affair or left you for someone else, please tell me now so I don’t go searching for something that isn’t even there.”

  “You don’t wa
nna know the truth,” Ben said gravely, turning away.

  “I can only read so much in her journal, but now I need more than that. I’m a grown man now. You can tell me.”

  Ben stared at him a long time until Drake finally got tired of waiting. “Fine,” Drake said. “I guess I’ll just have to find out for myself, won’t I?” He slung his duffel bag over one shoulder and pushed past his dad. “You’re about as much help as—”

  Ben grabbed Drake’s wrist and yanked him back. “Tell me!” he demanded. “Tell me to my face what you really think of me!”

  “You’d be worth more to me if you were dead,” Drake said, jerking away.

  “Just like your mama, aren’t ya?”

  “At least she had sense enough to leave. I think I’m finally beginning to understand why she left.”

  “Which is?”

  “The same reason I wanna leave. You. If you treated her like you treat me, no wonder she went away. Now I’m leaving too and it’s for good.”

  “I’ve heard that line before. Same story all the time with you, only you’re too coward to back up your own words.”

  “It’ll be the last time. Don’t expect me to come back to this dump of a trailer, because I’d sooner kill myself before crawling back to you and your trash hole. Whether Mom was smart to leave or she was just plain crazy, I dunno, but I’ll make my own judgment of that.”

  Ben grated his teeth. “What do you expect to find, Drake? That your mom left us for a good reason? She didn’t leave because of me, no matter what she put in that journal of hers. She left because of you. There, I said it. It’s not hard to put two and two together. You come into the picture, she leaves. Get it?”

  “You’re lying,” Drake said evenly, trying to clear his mind of what his dad had just told him. “I don’t believe you.”

  “She got tired of it, and my guess is that during the trip we took, she liked the idea of freedom and what life was like without a six-year-old following her around asking her questions all the time. Next day, she was gone.”

  Drake picked up his bag and stormed from the room.

  “Good! Leave!” Ben shouted as he heard the front door yank open and slam shut. “That’s all you’re good at!”

  Andrew struggled to wrap his arms around the last of Ronnie’s clothes, thanking God in his heart that he was finally about to leave this stress-cloaked environment. He closed the bedroom door behind him with his foot and walked down the hall for the last time.

  Kevin was still standing there, glaring at him. Andrew thought he looked like a time bomb ready to explode at the slightest amount of pressure. And I’ll bet he’s just waiting for me to set it off too. It’s your call, Kevin. I’m not one to start a fight, but I’ll sure finish one.

  This time, Andrew made a point not to even look at his brother as he walked by. It was his last attempt at peace, but Kevin saw it as a challenge. Andrew sensed the pressure in the room begin to build as he headed for the door.

  Kevin bolted from the kitchen and deliberately stepped in front of Andrew’s path, forcing him to come to a sudden halt. “No one ignores me in my house,” he snarled.

  “Didn’t know you wanted to talk,” Andrew said, advancing a step.

  Kevin didn’t budge. “I plan to see Ronnie at least once a month, is that clear?”

  Andrew felt his heart pick up speed. He caught a glimpse of Kevin’s wife, Louise, watching them intently from the kitchen in her slippers and tattered, navy blue robe. “You heard the judge this afternoon,” Andrew answered, keeping his voice steady. “You’re not allowed visitation rights.”

  “He’s my son!”

  “Living in my house now.”

  “You don’t have the right—”

  “Who started this, Kevin? Me or you? You beat Ronnie up like he was—”

  “You’re a liar! I never touched—”

  “Oh, don’t try to play that card with me!” Andrew threatened, finding it necessary to raise his voice if he could ever hope to make a point in this house. “Every time you got angry, you treated him like he was your personal punching bag.”

  “How dare you accuse me of harming him! He caused those bruises on himself by acting clumsy all the time like seven-year-olds do.”

  “And the cigarette burns? I suppose he smokes too? Nothing’s your fault, is it, Kevin? Always passing the blame on someone else, even if that someone else is an innocent child!”

  “He’s still mine,” Kevin fumed.

  “You lost that right.”

  Kevin’s face grew redder.

  “If you had gotten your way in court today, you would have done nothing but beat Ronnie all night long, accusing him by saying that your mess is his fault. Well, I couldn’t take it anymore, seeing Ronnie just ‘happen’ to have a black eye the day you lost your job or finding purple bruises all over his body every time you got drunk and lost your self-control. He’s safe now, and I don’t want you anywhere near him. No visitation rights, no phone calls, nothing. Is that clear enough for you, or do I need to slam you against a wall to get your attention like you did to Ronnie?”

  Kevin inhaled as if preparing to raise his voice, but Andrew stopped him by saying, “You’re lucky you didn’t go to jail. Next time you go near Ronnie—if you even dare cross that line with me—I’ll be the judge, and I promise, I will stop you.”

  He forced his way past Kevin and only barely restrained himself from slamming the front door on his way out.

  Chapter

  4

  STARTLING TRUTH

  Drake Pearson snatched the keys from his duffel bag and heatedly started his truck. He jolted the gear into reverse and sped out of the driveway, taking part of the curb on his way out. He was fuming, and wanted more than anything to pummel someone. It didn’t matter who it was as long as it made him feel better. Still, he had to face the fact that this whole mess could partly be his fault. Had he been so bratty of a kid to his mom that she wanted to leave him? Maybe he had been too hard on his dad all this time. After all, she had left his dad the burden of raising a child and keeping a job. I have to find answers, Drake thought. Dad may be right, but he could also be lying. I have to know for sure.

  Drake withdrew his hand from the steering wheel and rested it over his heart. He was too young to have heart problems, so it must have been stress causing these pains. He was carrying too much, he knew. The irony that his dad was the negligent one and he was the one trying to hold it all together was completely undeserved. While other teens his age were facing their futures with clear minds only flecked with the fear of getting a job or succeeding in college, his future remained clouded by a past that had never been resolved—or even discovered, for that matter.

  Drake drove toward the library, knowing that if he could get to a computer, he might be able to find some real information. People reunited all the time these days over the Internet, so why should it be any different for him? He only knew a little about his mom, but he was sure that what he had was enough. If he could only find out where she lived now—even if she had remarried and had a new family—he would find her. Despite the fact that she had walked out of his life so many years ago, she was still his mother, and that fact alone kept him from resenting her.

  Drake slowly pulled into the library’s small parking lot, suddenly feeling stupid. Closed. Duh, Drake. They aren’t open at four o’clock in the morning! He ripped the keys from the ignition and decided to stay parked. No point in going home unless he wanted to give his vocal cords some more unneeded exercise. The library opened at eight—that gave him a whopping four hours of sleep. Right now, even eternity didn’t seem like a long enough rest for the fatigue he was feeling.

  Drake tilted his head back, determined to at least try to catch some rest. He wedged his hands snugly underneath his arms and pulled his legs close to his body, suddenly feeling chilled. Wonder what Dad’s doing right now, he thought, sensing the muscles in his back and neck slacken as his body gradually conformed to the uncomfortable shape of
his seat. Probably cussin’ me out for leaving like that. Oh, well, let him rant. He brought it on himself by not tellin’ me ’bout Mom. It wouldn’t have killed him to at least tell me what color her eyes were or if she was left-handed or right-handed. But Dad wouldn’t even remember stuff like that. All he cares about now is hanging out and drinking with his stupid friends, whatever kind of a life that is.

  He looked up at the black, starless sky and wondered if that’s what the inside of his soul looked like right now. Empty. He was really no better than his dad when it came down to it, was he? Stop doing this to yourself, Drake. You know you’re tired. Get some sleep. He had a lot to do when he woke up, and sleep would not be an option once he was typing away at the keyboard.

  He closed his eyes and listened to himself breathe. Three more hours. Maybe then, I’ll know the truth.

  Andrew Tavner arrived at his mother’s house at precisely a quarter till seven with a mailbox tucked under his arm, just as he had promised.

  “I didn’t know you’d go buy one tonight,” Kara said, taking the box from his arms. “Thank you.”

  “Ah, no problem.”

  “Such an expensive-looking one. I could have gotten along with a cheaper one just as fine.”

  “Quit worrying about how I spend my money, Mom. At least your mail won’t be on the ground tomorrow.” Andrew meant for it to come across as a lighthearted comment, but it ended up sounding more irritable than intended. Was he still that angry over what had happened at his brother’s house? He found a chair and collapsed in it, guessing that he wouldn’t be leaving any time soon without first explaining to his mom why he was acting this way.

  “Don’t slump, Andrew,” Kara said, seating herself across from him. “You know what that does to your posture.”

  I’m sitting here stressing my mind to no end about keeping my brother away from Ronnie, and all you’re worried about is whether I’ll turn into a hunchback. Andrew reluctantly scooted himself up higher just to be left alone. “I’ve been doing it for years, so I guess my vertebrae are still strong enough to take it,” he said flatly. If only I could say the same thing about my nerves.