Sound of Regret

by Chelsea Roy

  “Oh, God!” she gasped and felt his fingers moving against her slick core. What he was doing felt so incredibly good she never wanted it to end. She pressed her center against his face and could feel the rasp of his stubble against her most delicate skin. Her legs shook as pressure built inside her.

  Before she reached the peak, Jack abruptly pulled away and Ellie cried out at the loss of his tongue. She heard him chuckle and opened dazed eyes to look up at him. His beautiful body was above hers, gleaming in the shadows. Her gaze skittered down his chest to where his erection stood proudly. Her mouth went dry at the sight. She reached out, fingers trembling, and brushed them gently over the head. Her fingers felt sticky with his moisture. Not thinking about anything else but the moment, she brought her fingers to her lips and licked them. Jack groaned loudly and moved quickly up her body. Ellie slid her hands to his shoulders where the muscles were bunched and tight.

  “So sorry about this Els,” Jack groaned. Before Ellie could ask what he was sorry about, he pushed into her swiftly. Ellie stiffened under him, the fragile barrier marking her as untouched giving away under his penetration.

  “Jack!” She cried out. Her inner tissues were struggling to accept his invasion and his entry was painful. Thankfully, the dampness he had created by kissing her so wickedly eased his passage.

  “God, Ellie, you feel so damn good. Like nothing I’ve ever felt before.” Jack’s words were like kerosene to a fire. He circled his hips against the juncture of her thighs and Ellie rose up to meet his thrusts. One arm was planted firmly on the carpet and the other was hooked around her leg, jacking her core close to him. Ellie’s body strained to be closer to him. His rhythm was steady as he pounded into her body. She was so close to reaching the pinnacle that everyone talked about it and wanted to experience it so badly she shook. Her hands slid down and cupped Jack’s ass, pulling him as close to her as she possibly could. She ground her clit against him, every breath a gasp.

  It only took several more thrusts before she felt Jack stiffen over her and let out a hoarse shout. She felt warmth flood her insides and his body slowed. His hips kept a slow echo of the motion he’d been doing. It felt so good to Ellie but her body still quivered with the need to come. Her body craved release and she knew under normal circumstances, Jack would have ensured she came before he did. She knew it with every inch of her soul. Jack propped himself up on his forearms and buried his nose in her neck, breathing deeply. Ellie rubbed her hands up and down his back in large sweeps, feeling the dampness of sweat. After a moment he rolled off her, flopping onto his back.

  Ellie lay there on the carpet, unsure of what to do. Her body hummed with excitement but clearly Jack was done. She’d just given up her virginity to Jack, who hadn’t realized the gift he’d just received. He was drunk and pissed and Ellie knew what they’d just shared was an outlet for him and nothing more. The sex certainly didn’t mean to Jack what it meant to Ellie. It was definitely not an ideal scenario for her first time, but Ellie couldn’t bring herself to regret what happened. Having zero post-sex experience she gathered her courage and looked over at Jack. She let out a resigned laugh, feeling both stupid and relieved. Jack’s eyes were closed and his breathing deep and heavy. He had fallen asleep.

  Ellie did like she always did; she took care of the mess. She cleaned the evidence of her virginity off herself and cautiously cleaned it off him, careful not to wake him up. While she was cleaning him, she studied his form unashamedly. His penis, now soft, was a dusky red and like velvet to the touch. Ellie marveled at the differences in their bodies and wished she had been able to explore his body more while he’d been rigid and aching for her. He hadn’t even gotten undressed.

  After removing all evidence of their night together off them both and zipping his jeans, she covered him up with an afghan crocheted by her grandma and left him sleeping on the floor. She made her way to her room and crawled beneath her covers, her body achy and sore. When she woke up the next morning and went out to the living room to check on Jack, she was unsurprised to find herself completely alone.

  ONE

  As Ellie drove along Interstate 5 toward home after a particularly long and boring day at work, her phone rang, startling her. The sudden change from the soothing sounds of Jack Johnson to the insistent ringing of her phone amplified on every speaker in her car made her heart pound. When she registered the number of the caller, her stomach bottomed out and her fingers trembled on the steering wheel.

  “Hello.” She answered quietly.

  “Ellie.” Her name was rasped out as though it was drug over gravel.

  “Hello Jack.” She said into the darkness, her voice soft. For her, time had changed nothing. She was still very much head over heels when it came to the man on the other end of the line. Unfortunately for her, Jack still didn’t reciprocate. “Jack?” She asked when the pause lasted.

  “I miss you Ellie.” He said quietly. Ellie’s heart thumped so hard it felt like it hit the wall of her chest. In truth, she missed him too but she didn’t allow herself those thoughts because they got her nowhere but hurt.

  “You’re drunk.” She said flatly. She might be emotionally fragile when it came to Jack, but she wasn’t stupid. She knew his habits well enough to know the only time he reached out to her in any emotional way was in moments of weakness. Those moments usually came after he’d been drinking.

  “Yeah, maybe I am.” He admitted. Ellie wanted to cry. Jack never called her when he was sober and things were going well for him. At least, not these days he didn’t.

  “I thought you were done with me. You said you weren’t going to call anymore. That you weren’t good enough for me and it was best if I moved on.” Ellie’s voice cracked. Four months ago he’d split a fissure in her heart as wide as the Grand Canyon when he told her he was breaking off all contact with her so she could have a normal life. Without him. He firmly believed he was no good for her and that her life would be better off without him in it. Stupid, hardheaded man.

  “I’m tired of being away from you. I’m tired of not seeing you. Not holding you.” Jack’s words were like a hot poker through her chest and made Ellie so furious with Jack she felt like screaming. Tears sprang to her eyes and she was grateful for the darkness of her car.

  “You’re the one who wanted distance! You decided we were done! You’ve been in my life for more than twelve years and fucking me for over a decade! I’ve never complained or asked any more from you than you were willing to give!” Ellie’s chest heaved with the force of her emotions and she was barely hanging onto her composure by a thread. When Jack had broken things off, she’d been so stunned and heartbroken she hadn’t managed to respond to him at all.

  “I know you never did. And that’s exactly why I need to let you go Ellie. You’re too damn good for someone like me.” Jack’s words were filled with self-loathing. Part of Ellie hated him in that moment and hated the fact that he couldn’t see what had been right in front of him for years.

  “All I’ve ever wanted was you, Jack. Just you, and you know that! But you know what? Maybe you’re too late. Maybe I’ve finally moved on and found someone.” Her voice trembled with anger and she knew she wasn’t able to mask the sound of her tears like she hoped. She hated herself for playing this game with him, but she was so tired of the back and forth.

  During Jack’s lecture about why they couldn’t see each other any longer, he repeatedly told her there was someone out there better for Ellie than him. He believed with every fiber of his being that he was no good for her, and after eleven years of existing on the sidelines of his life, sometimes Ellie agreed with him. Jack could be completely self-centered and unaware of everything going on around him at times, and it was painful to be around him when he was like that. However, Ellie knew her heart and for her, there would never be room for anybody else other than Jack.

  “Have you?” Jack demanded, his voice raspy. “You’ve moved on? Finally realized that I’m no good for you? That the only place I�
��m any good for you is between the sheets?” Jack’s words were crude but they revealed his deep-seated emotional issues. “You found someone to take care of you better than me? “Someone who wants you more than me? Someone to worship your body better than me?” Jack’s voice dropped at the end, and shivers went down Ellie’s spine.

  No matter how angry Ellie was at Jack, she had spent more years loving him than she cared to admit. After Macy left Jack and Ellie had come onto him, Jack hadn’t stayed away from her for very long. It had taken less than four weeks after she lost her virginity for him to make his way back into Ellie’s bed. Since then, she and Jack had been on-again-off-again lovers. If Ellie wanted to pull out of this conversation with any amount of pride left intact, she would have to make sure Jack didn’t call her again. Ever. Each time they’d broken things off in the past, he would call her with his apologies and she would forgive him. Granted, Jack had never broken things off with Ellie for her own good so that had been a new one. Still, she knew she couldn’t continue on down the same path because no matter how deeply she loved Jack, she remained living on the fringes of his life and had never made her way into his heart. That kind of existence was no longer enough for her. There were things she wanted out of her life, and at thirty-one, she wasn’t going to find them in this never-ending cycle of madness.

  “Yes, Jack! I’ve moved on. It’s been four months. Did you think I wouldn’t? You told me you were done for good and I believed you!” Ellie’s voice was strong, her tone conveying disbelief at Jack’s questioning. Ellie forced the words out of her mouth that would effectively put an end to the cycle she was on with him. The lies she told to him felt like they scalded her tongue.

  “Els…” There was a long pause on Jack’s end. “He’s good to you?” Jack asked gruffly and tears began to stream down Ellie’s face. Surely Jack must care a little bit about her to worry so deeply about her happiness. Ellie berated herself for continuing to hope Jack would come to his senses. She couldn’t go down that path because it would lead nowhere. It never had, no matter how much she wished otherwise.

  “Yes Jack. He loves me. He takes care of me. He’s given everything to me that you never did. ” Ellie’s voice caught because, of course, there was no other man. There would never be any man for her except the one on the other end of the line. And he continued to be determined to walk away from her.

  “That’s good Ellie.” Jack’s voice cracked slightly. “He takes care of you in bed?” Ellie’s heart broke completely at Jack’s masochistic need to hurt himself with her happiness.

  “Jack…” She trailed off, unable to strike the final killing blow. Ellie had never been able to deny her attraction for him and talking sex with Jack was the equivalent of shoving coke in front of a recovering addict. She had to tread carefully or she’d end up right back down that same old path. Before she could stop herself, she said, “There will never be anyone who takes your place in my bed no matter how good to me they are.” Ellie heard Jack’s sharp intake of breath at her admission.

  “Christ, Ellie…” he choked out, but Ellie’d had enough. Ellie disconnected the call with shaking fingers and saw her driveway ahead. She managed to pull in and park her car before she was overcome with emotion, her slim shoulders shaking with the force of her tears. Ellie didn’t know how things had become so damn twisted between them when they used to be good friends. She remembered the day she’d first seen Jack again after she had seduced him. That day was so crystal clear in her mind it was as if it’d happened yesterday instead of eleven years ago.

  “Hey Ellie,” A familiar deep and gravelly voice said behind her at the campus coffee shop. Ellie turned around in line and a smile of genuine affection broke across her face.

  “Jack!” Ellie leaned in and impulsively gave Jack a hug. Her face barely hit him mid-chest and she rubbed her cheek briefly against the indy band t-shirt that covered impressive muscles that she knew first-hand resided there. She took a deep breath, pulling in his masculine scent as she leaned away from him and smiled a wide, honest smile. She had missed seeing him on a daily basis.

  “I’m surprised you’re happy to see me.” He remarked, studying her smiling face, his own features serious.

  “Of course I am. I’ve missed seeing you since… well, since Macy left. Why wouldn’t I be happy to see you?” Ellie figured they couldn’t pretend Macy hadn’t existed. That would just be stupid and Jack had to work through what happened at some point. And Ellie didn’t know how much Jack remembered of their night together, so she’d ignore that while she could.

  “I’m pretty sure I have some apologizing I need to do.” Jack countered back. A light flush spread across Ellie’s cheeks and her gaze dropped. Maybe Jack remembered more than Ellie thought. The barista behind the counter cleared his throat and Jack stepped forward and placed an order for both of them. They’d been to coffee enough times that he knew exactly what Ellie liked. Hell, they’d just about been everywhere together for Jack to know nearly everything that Ellie liked except, it seemed, him.

  “You don’t need to pay, silly,” she told him when he pulled out a wad of cash. He shot her a level look.

  “It’s the least I can do. And I intend to do a lot more than just pay for your drink.” Ellie’s heart gave a mighty thump.

  “What more do you need to do? And really, there’s no apology necessary.” Ellie stuttered just a little as she assured him. The last thing she wanted to do was rehash their night spent together. She really didn’t want to hear Jack tell her he regretted being with her and she certainly didn’t want him questioning why she’d desired to be with him in the first place. Rehashing that night would be the ultimate in embarrassment for her. She knew he didn’t love her and her feelings were out between them, it would just make everything awkward. Or, that it was so unremarkable to him that he didn’t even remember.

  “To be honest with you Els, everything from that night is a little blurry. I’m not sure exactly how much I need to apologize for.” Jack admitted as he led her to a table just outside the shop. Thankfully the sidewalk was deserted. This wasn’t the kind of conversation Ellie wanted to have with people hanging around.

  “Oh?” She responded noncommittally. “Well, there’s nothing really. I promise you.” Nothing for Jack to be sorry for anyways. If anyone should apologize for their actions, it should be her because she took complete advantage of the fact he was a drunken mess on her living room floor to launch her seduction attempt at him.

  “I do remember a few things though.” Jack told her, meeting her gaze. Ellie’s face began to flush and she cursed her fair skin. She didn’t say anything, just waited for him to continue. She wasn’t going to willingly reveal anything. She almost died at his next words though. “I remember that once I was inside you, you felt better than anything I’d ever had. And that when my mouth was between your legs, you tasted sweeter than honey.” Jack’s voice was all dark seduction and Ellie couldn’t help the warm sensation that invaded her core.

  “Jack!” She hissed, mortified. She dropped her eyes and focused on her coffee cup. Her hands were shaking so she twined them together in her lap. In her wildest dreams, she hadn’t imagined Jack saying any of these things to her. Well, okay maybe in her absolute wildest dreams she did, but in reality she pictured him ignoring the fact the entire thing had even happened. For him to blatantly recall their night together in what seemed like a come-on had been nowhere in the picture.

  “You let me in El. You never let anyone touch you. I’ve never seen you with any guys. Out of all the girls I know, you’ve always been the serious and focused one.” Ellie held her breath. This conversation was headed into territory best left alone. Jack didn’t need to know why he’d never seen her with anyone else.

  “I just wanted you to feel better. And I had too much to drink, just like you.” Ellie lied to him.

  “So it was pity then? You were with me because you felt sorry for me?” Jack’s tone was searching, like he had put some thought into their ni
ght together and couldn’t quite understand why Ellie had done what she did. Ellie’s eyes jerked up to Jack’s.

  “I would NEVER pity you.” She told him. Jack nodded as though she’d answered some unasked question.

  “The only thing that makes sense, then, is that you’re attracted to me. You wanted me. Otherwise I’d be like all those other assholes you’ve kicked to the curb,” he said. Ellie’s eyes dropped back down to the coffee cup and she knew her cheeks were burning red. She shifted restlessly in her seat. Admitting attraction to Jack was not the same as admitting feelings for him. It might be safe to do one without the other.

  “Maybe.” She finally responded nonchalantly, unwilling to reveal too much. Her heart pounded and she felt unsteady. She pushed her silky blonde hair back behind her ears and tilted her face up the sky. The cool breeze felt good on her heated cheeks.

  “What if I told you all I’ve thought about for the last month is getting back between your thighs? Sober this time. My mouth on you, making you come over and over again. My fingers inside you, feeling you squeeze the shit out of me.” Ellie’s eyes flew to Jack’s piercing blue ones, shocked. A rush of liquid heat had hit her core and a strangled sound escaped her mouth. Jack’s own cheeks were slightly flushed as he leaned forward in his seat toward her.

  “I can’t do this, Jack.” Ellie muttered, completely shaken. She stood suddenly, rocking the small table. Jesus she was both aroused and completely mortified. She was the next thing to a virgin and she not any kind of match for Jack’s advanced sexual games. “I’ve got to go. I’ll see you around.”

  Ellie left her coffee cup on the table and had only taken a few bolting steps before her wrist was caught in the warm grasp of Jack’s large hand. She inhaled sharply at the contact and the heat that zinged between them but kept her eyes on the cement beneath her feet. She felt like Jack’s hand on her wrist was the only thing keeping her tethered to the earth.