by Chelsea Roy
Jack felt a pang in his chest when the thought about Ellie pregnant with his baby. It was something he’d never envisioned, and in fact, took steps to plan against it. Ellie never denied the fact she wanted a family someday. He abruptly remembered a conversation they’d had years ago with absolute clarity.
Ellie lay spread out on her bed, the covers kicked off to somewhere on the floor. Her face was flushed with remnants of desire and Jack couldn’t recall a time where she looked more beautiful. She’d just come apart in his arms in the most spectacular way.
“I don’t want to use condoms any more El.” Jack told her, his breath coming in harsh rasps from the shattering orgasm he’d just had. Ellie rolled her eyes toward him without moving her head. It was the movement of an utterly satisfied woman.
“You’re clean, right?” She asked him. At his nod, she said, “So then don’t.”
“It’s a huge step for me Ellie.” Jack admitted. He’d never gone bare before but he trusted Ellie like he trusted nobody else. She was always there for him and had his best interests at heart. He couldn’t say that for many people and he knew it made her special.
“Duh.” She said softly, as if he was the biggest idiot. They’d been sleeping together for nearly three years and had known each other for five so it was safe to say that Ellie knew him pretty damn well. She would understand all of the unspoken reasons behind his fear.
“I just don’t want kids Ellie,” Jack pressed on, determined to say his piece. He needed to make sure she understood. Ellie gave a short laugh.
“I’d never ask you to be a dad, Jack. I know that’s not in the cards for you.” Although Ellie’s voice was carefully neutral, Jack heard the underlying sadness. He didn’t want to put too much thought into it, but he couldn’t help it.
“Do you want kids?” He asked her, suddenly afraid that she would want something he didn’t. Although he had no plans for anything permanent with Ellie, she was his rock and he couldn’t imagine his life without her. He wanted her around forever, even though he knew it made him an ass. She deserved more out of life but he couldn’t bring himself to let her go.
“Yeah. Someday I think, yeah.” Jack could hear the clear yearning in her voice and realized that no matter how much he wanted to pretend otherwise, his days with her were numbered. She wanted something out of life that he wasn’t willing to provide.
Coming back to the present, he stared down at Ellie huddled under the hospital blankets.
“You never did lie.” He told her, still angry at his core, but more understanding now of what she had done. It seemed his Ellie had held out hope for a long time that he would change his mind and become something different.
“What?” She muttered, clearly baffled by his leap off topic. She looked over her shoulder at him and he could see the confusion on her tired face.
“You never promised me not to get pregnant. You just promised you’d never ask me to be a dad. So you never lied to me about what your intentions were.” He told her. “It was pretty clever.” He kept his voice neutral. She rolled back to face him.
“I’m more fucking sorry than I can say!” She cried. Jack shook his head at her, frustrated with her and himself and what their lives had evolved to. He looked over at Regan who was standing quietly at the foot of the bed watching their interaction like a hawk. He had no doubt Regan would come swooping in to the rescue if he made even a single misstep.
“Can’t they get it out?” He asked Regan, because clearly Ellie was in no frame of mind to have a rational discussion.
“Yes, but she won’t let them. And it’s making her sick. She won’t give up that part of you. Even though she knows the baby is gone, she won’t let it go because she thinks it’s the last piece of you that she has.” Regan’s tone was considerably calmer but Jack could hear the tears underneath.
Regan had also grown up with him and knew some of the demons that interfered with his relationship with Ellie. Understanding his past was part of the reason that Regan had never judged his relationship with Ellie. Jack’s eyes prickled as he ran a hand through his hair. He looked back down at Ellie and sighed. He accepted fault for the situation Ellie was in. If he hadn’t kept things in their lives so twisted, Ellie would never have done this. If they’d had a normal relationship where she hadn’t been so afraid of him leaving, they would have talked over this decision and come to a mutual agreement. But that was something normal people did, not Jack and Ellie. He gently ran his hand down Ellie’s arm until her cold hand rested in his. He knew the way he handled this would be a defining moment in his life and he struggled for the right words to say to Ellie.
“I’m sorry I blew up at you. It’s just, I’m finding out I’m going to be a dad and then losing the baby all at once, you know? It’s a lot to take in.” He knew all the hurt he’d piled on Ellie over the years had caught up with them both because his heart ached as badly as he was certain hers did.
“I know.” She said, her voice choked.
“Truthfully, it wasn’t something I realized I even wanted until now.” He said. And he was being honest. He wanted this with Ellie.
“You would want this?” Ellie asked him hesitantly. Jack nodded helplessly, loving her but not knowing the right thing to do.
“How far along were you? 16, 17 weeks?” He asked. Ellie nodded, looking surprised that he remembered exactly how long ago their last time together was. He was pretty sure she’d be surprised to know exactly how much about her he remembered.
“Just at four months,” she choked out.
“Baby. El, you’ve got to let them help you.” He beseeched her. He watched as tears spilled out of her beautiful blue-grey eyes and ran down her cheeks.
“Hey guys, I’m going to head out to the hall, okay?” Regan broke in gently. Jack respected the hell out of her in that moment and making a quick decision, he hopped off the bed and pulled Regan in for a tight hug. She squeezed back before quietly exiting the room, leaving him and Ellie alone with their problems.
EIGHT
Ellie watched as Jack left the bed and noisily pulled up a chair next to her. He dropped himself into it with a sigh and leveled his gaze at her. She didn’t resist as he gently pushed back the covers on the hospital bed and moved aside her hospital gown. Ellie lay there in her hipster panties, the tiny swell of where the baby rested barely visible.
“Oh, El.” He sighed, this time with a small hitch to his breath. She watched as he swallowed hard and ran his calloused hand over her tummy. He’d said he would want this, would want a baby with her. Jack’s statement was so confusing and made Ellie feel even worse.
“I’m so sorry,” she repeated again, her voice thick with tears. Her devastation and guilt were consuming her. Ellie was broken-hearted over the loss of her baby and at the same time, she was deeply ashamed of herself for her actions. She could hardly stand to be inside herself and had no clue how Jack would even want to be near her. Jack took a deep breath and blew out his breath before pressing a kiss on her forehead. He sat back and stared at his hands on her belly.
“Ellie, don’t you know if you wanted something this badly, I’d give it to you?” He asked her softly. His eyes rose to hers and his warm palm rested on the small bump. Ellie’s eyes grew round. Of all the scenarios that had run through her head, this was not one of them.
“You’re just trying to pacify me. I know you don’t want to be tied down Jack. I get it. I do. But please don’t promise things you’ll never deliver. You never, ever wanted to be a dad!” She cried. Her eyes beseeched him to remain honest with her, even though she had been less than that with him. Ellie watched in amazement as Jack leaned down and pressed a kiss to her belly.
“Maybe I didn’t want to before, Ellie. But I do know that I can’t imagine my life without you and this is something that you want badly. And I find myself really wanting to give it to you.” He admitted gruffly. “There are no tricks Ellie. I’m done running. I can’t promise you it’ll be smooth sailing with me, or that I kno
w how to do a relationship at all, but if I can do it with anyone, it’s you.” Ellie could hear the sincerity ringing in Jack’s voice but she was terrified to believe he meant what he said. She knew he cared about her but she never imagined that to include him helping her have a baby.
She took a deep breath and struggled to contain her tears. “Are you sure you want to commit to something so permanent? A baby isn’t something you can just walk away from.” She didn’t understand why Jack wasn’t screaming at her for her actions, or why he hadn’t just walked out and left her. There was no way Ellie was going to use this to trap Jack into staying with her. Doing so would make her the absolute lowest kind of person ever and she just couldn’t go there, no matter how badly she wanted Jack’s baby.
“Ellie, I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. Let’s get this taken care of so you can get healthy again.” Ellie was afraid to hope, but she knew the time had come to face reality. Jack and Regan were by her side and they were both willing to help her through this.
“I’ll consent to the D&C. I’m sorry you had to come back for this. I know this drama is the last thing you need and I promise it won’t get out to the media.” Ellie’s voice was shaky and it was all she could do to not break down into hysterics.
“I don’t give a fuck about the media Ellie. I care about you and getting you healthy, okay? Let’s just take this one step at a time. I’m staying with you. I’m here for you.” Jack pressed an additional kiss to her bare belly and very gently smoothed the gown and covers back over her. Ellie stared at him, completely confused. This gentle and caring side of Jack was not something Ellie had ever seen before and she didn’t know how to react. When had Jack become so sweet?
“You don’t have to stay.” She said, finally. “I know that I’m lucky you don’t just write me off for betraying our friendship like I did.” Truthfully, she’d never given any thought to the fact that her careful plan could go so wrong. And if she had thought about it? Jack helping her through troubled times wouldn’t have even entered the picture.
“I’ve been trying to find you since the night you came to me at the concert. You’re a hard woman to track down. You changed your number. You moved. But I hadn’t given up.” Jack’s voice was more rueful than angry. Ellie was completely surprised that Jack had actively tried to find her.
“Why?” She asked him faintly, not certain she was ready to hear his response.
“To tell you I was done running.” He admitted. “To tell you I was ready to be with you.” Ellie blinked rapidly to hold back her tears. The surprises kept coming at her, one after another making her believe things really were different. She was terrified to hope these changes were real.
“Why, Jack?” She asked him again.
“I realized how much I wanted to be with you and not just in the same way we had always been. I finally realized there wasn’t anyone for me but you. And then, I thought I was racing against the clock to beat some fucker who would propose to you and give you the family you’d always wanted. I was desperate to find you and talk you out of being with him. I wanted you with me.” He told her.
“I had no idea you even entertained the thought of something more permanent!” Ellie told him, stunned. “I just figured if you thought I was with someone else you’d back off. And I needed that for my own sanity.” Jack’s mouth twisted in a self-depreciating smile. He ran his large, warm hand down the side of her face and cupped her cheek in his calloused palm.
“I’m going to go find the nurse.” He told her gently. “The sooner we can get this done, the sooner you can get home and get better.” Ellie nodded against his hand. Jack pressed his lips to her forehead, rose, and left the room. Ellie sagged back against the bed, the hospital pillows not providing her any support. Her mind was racing; full of the bombs Jack had just dropped in there. She didn’t even know where to start processing any of it. She did know one thing, though. Jack seemed to be sincere. Ellie fluttered a hand over her belly, apologizing yet again to the tiny life that was over before it even began. She couldn’t help but feel this was all her fault no matter how irrational it sounded.
Within minutes of Jack’s exit, a nurse was bustling in with consent forms for her to sign. Jack followed her in and hovered in the background. Regan came back into the room and Ellie tried to view her friend’s actions objectively. Regan had betrayed her trust in the same way Ellie had betrayed Jack’s and the irony of it all wasn’t lost on her. She would be a total hypocrite if she didn’t forgive Regan for reaching out to Jack for help because Ellie was desperately hoping Jack wouldn’t change his mind and shut her out of his life for what she’d done to him.
“Okay, hon, they have you on the schedule for this evening. You should be able to go home late tomorrow if everything goes well,” the nurse told her. Ellie nodded. Everyone at the hospital had taken such good care of her even though she had been a complete basket case.
Ellie watched as the nurse took a hard look at Jack, taking in the variety of tattoos down his arms, multiple ear piercings, and his ripped and ragged jeans. She knew that, visibly, the two of them made a very odd couple. She was fair, had traditional ear piercings, and her skin was unmarred by tattoos. She came across as conservative and cautious. Jack, on the other hand, was dark and tattooed and everyone could see the impulsiveness brimming out of him. To Ellie he was perfect but she wasn’t oblivious to the image he presented to those who didn’t know him. The nurse finished her silent perusal and left the room.
“Jack, do you mind if I have a second with Regan?” Ellie asked quietly. Jack looked unhappy about being asked to leave. “Please?” She asked. His face was tense, but he nodded and slipped out the door. Ellie turned to face Regan and took a deep, cleansing breath.
“I’m so sorry for acting the way I have.” Ellie said simply. “I know I scared you and I’m sorry.” Regan’s eyes filled with tears and she reached down and pulled Ellie into a tight hug.
“I’m sorry for calling Jack. I knew you had been avoiding him but I felt like I didn’t have a choice. I thought you’d rather die than keep going without the baby.” Regan’s voice was trembling and Ellie hated that she’d been responsible for bringing her normally confident, outgoing friend to such a panicked state. Ellie felt terrible for putting Regan in such a crappy position in the first place and knew it must have been incredibly hard for her to call Jack knowing what she was risking. It was a terrible thing to have done to her best friend.
“Then maybe we both get a pass this time, okay? It was completely uncharted territory for us.” Ellie and Regan hugged again tightly. There was a knock at the door and Regan drew back from Ellie. Ellie knew that Regan wasn’t comfortable showing emotion in front of other people so a PDA was usually out.
“Come in!” She called. Immediately the band members of Destruction filed through the door and crowded into the small hospital room. They were followed closely by Jack. Ellie was stunned to see them all. She watched in disbelief as they settled into the room, crowding around her and Regan. Tears filled her eyes because she knew they were there to support her and Jack.
“Fuck Els, what the hell?” Jacob, the bass guitarist asked as he came up to her bed and sat down on the edge. His deep auburn eyebrows drew together over his chocolaty brown eyes in a fierce frown. Ellie drew the covers up to her chin to avoid his censure. She and Jacob had gone to school together and lived down the block from each other for years. He was like a brother to her and she hated feeling like she’d let him down.
“Back off Jacob,” Regan growled at him. Ellie grinned tiredly, happy to see her friend back into her normal spitfire mode of operation. Jacob turned to Regan and slowly extended his middle finger. His deep auburn hair glinted in the anemic fluorescent lighting and his face was a study in masculine beauty. He features looked almost angelic which made the fact that he was flying the middle finger salute at a tiny woman almost hilarious. Jacob was a good man and Ellie wished on more than one occasion she’d fallen head over heels for hi
m instead of Jack.
“We care about Ellie too and I have just as much right to tell her what I think as anyone.” Jacob retorted. Regan rolled her eyes.
“Whatever. Just don’t be an ass, okay? It won’t help anything.” Ellie was surprised that Regan’s voice lacked its usual sharp edges. Regan was very protective of her friends and loved ones and the fact that she wasn’t busting Jacob’s balls was really interesting. Ellie’s attention was diverted away from Regan’s behavior because Jacob started speaking to her again.
“Baby, you got to take care. You can’t do this to Jack. He’s already off the deep end enough about you.” Jacob’s words were solemn. He took Ellie’s hand in his and stroked his thumb over her wrist. Ellie couldn’t help her surprise that someone else knew Jack seemed to feel more for her than their casual friends-with-benefits setup.
“Jesus, easy, man!” Jack said from his position in the doorway. Ellie could swear she saw a faint blush burn along his cheekbones. His protest of Jacob’s statement wasn’t all that surprising because he’d never been a man to show emotion very easily, especially not in front of others. She smiled reassuringly at Jack and felt her body relaxing as Jacob kept rubbing her wrist. He’d always been more of a caretaker than anyone else in the band and Ellie felt comfortable with him.
“Dude, it’s time to stop being such a pussy and man up. We all know how you feel about her. How you’ve felt about her for years.” Jacob didn’t back down. He kept Ellie’s hand in his and squeezed it gently. “Nobody said anything about the way you treated her because we all figured it was up to Ellie to call the shots in that department. Now that she’s wound up here and hurting, I’ll damn well speak up for her.” Jacob’s voice was aggressive, making it clear he harbored some anger toward Jack. Ellie was stunned that Jacob was championing her cause. For a long time, he had been the one telling Jack to sow his wild oats and that he was too young to be tied to someone permanently. Ellie had thought for sure that Jacob didn’t want their relationship to succeed but maybe there was more to it than she realized.