by Chelsea Roy
“How about you take your own advice asshole?” Jack asked him, his voice heavy with the knowledge of an inside secret. Ellie paused as she considered what Jack’s words meant. She had no idea Jacob was interested in anyone, let alone in a serious way. Jacob was spared further interrogation, though, when the nurse came in to take Ellie to pre-op. Ellie watched as the nurse pulled up short and took in all the band members with wide eyes. If the nurse thought Jack’s appearance was over the top, the entire band in one room was visually overwhelming. The nurse glanced at Ellie and Regan and then flushed. Ellie wasn’t sure what was going on in the nurse’s head, but she was pretty sure it was a case of plain old envy.
Jacob squeezed Ellie’s hand and kissed her on the forehead. He moved aside and one by one, all the band members came over and hugged her tightly. She was surprised when Brent kissed her on the cheek and softly murmured into her ear, “It’ll be okay”. Ellie’s throat was tight and she felt truly cherished. After the last hug, the room was empty except for Jack, her, and the nurse. Ellie’s breath started coming in gasps and she began to panic over what she was about to do. Logically she knew the baby was gone but making this decision made everything seem so much more real.
“Ellie, look at me.” Jack commanded gently. Ellie’s eyes flew to his and she reached out to grip his hand.
“I’m so scared, Jack. I don’t want to do this.” Ellie couldn’t help herself. Jack drew her up into his arms and wrapped her close.
“You can do this. The baby is gone and it’s time to get you healthy again. We’ll work on this together,” Jack promised. Ellie nodded against Jack’s chest and took a deep breath. She knew she had to do this.
“I’m ready.” She told the waiting nurse, who was looking on with sympathy in her eyes. The nurse nodded and maneuvered Ellie’s bed and began pushing her out of the room. Jack followed close behind, his presence reassuring Ellie that things would be okay. Ellie’s last view of the hospital hallway was an anxious-looking Regan staring around at four very riled up members of Destruction. Ellie grinned a little despite her aching heart. If anyone could handle four handsome, tattooed guys it was Regan.
NINE
Ellie’s body ached and her spirit was low as she was wheeled out of the hospital. Jack had jogged ahead to get his car so it was just Ellie and the nurse moving silently down the hall. Ellie only waited a few moments before a lifted Expedition pulled up. She was surprised to see Jack coming around the hood of the SUV. She would have guessed he drove a fancy sports car. She could tell his Expedition was fully loaded and obviously customized, but still. Ellie realized there were so many things about Jack she didn’t know that his choice in automobile barely scratched the surface. Jack helped her out of the wheelchair and into his car. As he was getting her situated in the plush passenger seat, she commented on her observations. Jack laughed quietly as he buckled her into the seat.
“There’s a lot about me you don’t know El. I’ve made some changes over the past year to be a better man but we’ve got time to talk about those things later.” He said. Ellie nodded in agreement. Jack words exactly echoed the thoughts bouncing around in her head. They hadn’t spoken much at all over the past year and clearly things had changed for both of them. Ellie was intrigued to learn what changes Jack had made and hoped they were changes that included her in his life. Ellie gave Jack her address and watched as he programmed it into his GPS. Once she was satisfied the GPS was pointing Jack into the right direction, she leaned her head back against the seat and closed her eyes. She pressed her forehead against the cool window and felt comforted by the silence in the car.
Ellie jerked awake when she felt the car come to a stop. She looked around, disoriented, until she realized they were sitting in her driveway. Jack smiled softly at her before hopping down out of his car. Ellie pushed open her door and swung her legs around to get down. Jack’s body blocked her and the soft smile was gone. Instead, he was frowning at her.
“Careful El!” Jack said as he gently helped her get out of his car. He looked completely aggravated with her. Ellie was normally a very energetic person and she chafed at having to move so slowly. But, as she’d already found out at the hospital, when she didn’t move like an eighty year old, her stomach pinched and cramped horribly. She leaned heavily on Jack and tried not to be embarrassed as he carefully lifted her out of his raised Expedition. After spending a few days in the hospital without a shower Ellie knew she didn’t smell the sweetest.
“Sorry. I’ll do better,” she muttered. She needed to learn to let Jack help her. Jack was silent as slowly set Ellie on the ground and walked her up to her front porch. He held her close as he unlocked the front door. Ellie took a deep breath and smelled the clean, light cinnamon scent of her home. It felt so good to be there and she was suddenly overwhelmed with exhaustion. She had gotten no rest at all at the hospital even though she’d been flat on her back in a bed for days. At the hospital, there had always been someone poking or prodding at her, and Regan had been there constantly trying to get Ellie to deal with the miscarriage.
“I need to sit down please,” she said weakly. Ellie was mentally burnt out and ready for a good, cleansing rest. She knew once she had a chance to rest and recharge she would view things much more optimistically. Jack immediately picked her up into his strong arms and carried her the short few steps to her sectional. He deposited her onto the attached chaise lounge and she stretched out slowly. She rubbed her hand over the soft, deep olive colored fabric. The mindless action was soothing and made her feel a million times better. She was immediately comforted by being home and being around familiar things; her things.
Ellie watched Jack as he moved quietly around her condo with ease. Although Jack had never been to her new home, he was familiar enough with Ellie’s habits and personality to know how she’d like things. He’d been to her old apartment many times and knew Ellie was a complete creature of habit. He slid open a few windows to let in the fresh air. There was the barest hint of a breeze and it ruffled through the dupioni silk curtains covering Ellie’s windows. She was glad Jack was there to care for her but it threw her off to have him there in her home. She had been very careful when she moved in to her new space to make it an environment that didn’t evoke memories of Jack. She had been trying to move on from her feelings for him and having him move around her home like he belonged there was really messing with her head. Jack disappeared upstairs and came right back down with a fluffy down pillow and a throw blanket. The light throw was perfect for the moderate temperature of San Diego. Ellie took them gratefully when he offered them to her and curled up on the chaise. Her stomach was cramping lightly and her emotions were still all over the place.
“Jack, really, you don’t have to do all this,” she told him softly. What remained unspoken between them was her fear of having the other shoe drop. She wondered when she would wake up from this dream where Jack promised to take care of her and land back into her reality of existing alone. If she was brutally honest with herself, and she was, she was waiting for Jack to realize how pissed off he was at her for what she’d done and leave her for good. Her heart lurched at the thought and she squeezed her eyes closed.
“Ellie, I really do,” Jack countered gently but firmly. She heard him move off and listened to the sounds of having someone else in her home. It was oddly relaxing and as Ellie lay quietly on the chaise, she thought back over the course of her twisted relationship with Jack. When they first started sleeping together and the band was getting established, she occasionally went on the road with them. More often than not, they met up in hotels and would have crazy, wild sex. Once she’d graduated college, the out of town trips had mostly stopped because her job prevented her from picking up and leaving on a whim. When Jack had come back home to San Diego, they’d always met up at her place because he and the guys kept a shared landing pad that was good for crashing and not much else.
Destruction had been successful for years, but they’d never gotten into that nas
ty area so many bands seemed to find themselves in where life was all about scoring drugs, alcohol, and groupies. Ellie thought maybe the band members had been able to stay away from all that because, for the most part, they had been raised in decent homes. Ellie wasn’t stupid. She knew the guys had done their fair share of partying hard. She knew the partying included sleeping around with plenty with groupies. But the band generally hadn’t been in the news for out of control behavior or for wild sexual exploits. Ellie admired everything the band had achieved together but she just wasn’t sure what her place was with them anymore. She wanted a home and a family and the lifestyle the band led was not conducive to those things. She shook her head slightly and sighed.
“Ellie, don’t go there in your head, okay?” Jack told her. She looked up, startled that he was close by. His eyes were intent on her face and it was clear by his expression he didn’t like what he was reading there.
“It’s hard not to.” Ellie admitted. “There’s a lot of history between us and honestly, a lot of it isn’t good Jack. I’m really confused about what’s changed enough in your life to keep you here.” She kept her eyes steady on his. He grimaced and looked uncomfortable.
“I’m here for you. End of story. You’ve been there for me so many times over the years that it’s time I return the favor.” Jack’s voice was low and gravelly. Jack had never acknowledged Ellie’s commitment to him. Ellie frankly didn’t know he’d ever even noticed but it made her feel good to know he had.
“Are you sure you want to stick around for all of this Jack? You never signed up for a relationship with me. In fact, you were really clear on what you wanted and none of this was included. My life right now is way heavy.” Ellie told him quietly. She feared he felt trapped to remain with her out of some misguided sense of obligation.
“I like your house El.” Jack changed the subject abruptly, completely ignoring her question. “It really suits you.” He sat down on the chaise and maneuvered himself behind her. He pulled her snug up against his chest. She could feel the warmth radiating from him as his large hands rested on her tummy. The heat coming from his hands eased up the cramping going on in her midsection and allowed Ellie to take a deep, cleansing breath. Despite Jack’s promises to work things out between them, she had been struggling not to cry at how overwhelming it all was. Jack pressed his nose into her hair as his tattooed arms cradled her gently.
“Thanks,” Ellie responded raggedly. Her throat felt impossibly tight with tears. She was so in love with Jack and grieved so terribly for the loss of their baby that maintaining her composure with him here was nearly impossible.
“You need some groceries in your fridge. I never pegged you for a takeout kind of girl but from the state of your cupboards, I’m guessing you are. I’ll go in a bit, okay? I want to make sure you’re okay before I take one step out the door.” Jack’s normal conversation helped Ellie tremendously. Talking about mundane things like groceries and take-out helped to ease the weight pressing on her chest.
“You’re treating me like I’m going to break. I won’t break Jack. I promise. I know I scared everyone and I’m sorry for that. I didn’t know how to cope with what was happening.” Ellie’s voice was low and embarrassment ran heavy through her tone. The more she reflected on everything that had happened at the hospital and with the miscarriage, the more embarrassed she was over her behavior. She loved Jack, and she had deeply loved the tiny life living inside of her. She had no answer for why losing the baby caused her to completely lose sight of herself. What she did know was that she was deeply mortified of how she had reacted to the whole situation.
“I know I wasn’t with you when you found out you’d miscarried and I’m sorry for that. I never really thought about being a dad until yesterday other than to know it wasn’t something I wanted. But the thought of you pregnant? It doesn’t make me want to bolt like I thought it would. It scares the hell out of me, I won’t lie. And not because I don’t want it to happen but because I’m afraid I won’t be a good enough dad.” Jack said from behind her. Ellie wished that she was looking into his eyes because this was a deeply personal conversation and they hadn’t had one of those in a long, long time. Jack sharing his feelings was rare and admitting to fear was unheard of.
Ellie knew Jack’s home life growing up hadn’t been ideal. His parents had been well off and he’d gone to a good school district in San Diego. That had been about the only good thing in his life. His parents fought all the time and completely disregarded their only child. Ellie met Jack during his senior year of high school and by that time, things had gotten really shitty for him at home. That year, Jack had moved into Ellie’s neighborhood and transferred to her private school. She could easily recall the day she’d gone into the front office for a pass after a doctor’s appointment and Jack had been sitting there, waiting for his class assignments. Ellie had known pretty much everyone at their school and struck up a conversation with him to be nice and because he was the cutest boy she’d ever seen. Ellie had fast become his friend and he hadn’t hidden his home life from her. When Jack’s mom passed away from cancer shortly after they’d met, his dad continued ignoring his only child. Jack hadn’t let many people in to his life, only her and then the guys in the band, and Ellie’s heart had always hurt for him.
“Jack, I don’t want to push you on this. It’s okay, really. You were always so clear on the fact that you didn’t want to be a dad. You don’t have to change that for me,” she murmured. “But if you ever did change your mind, I know in my heart you’d make a really great one.” Ellie told him sincerely. She had no intention of dragging an unwilling man into parenthood just because it was something she so desperately wanted but she hated him thinking so little of himself. It was time for Jack to begin valuing himself and what he meant to other people.
“El, I don’t want to let you down. You’re the only person in my life who’s given two shits about me and I’ve been hell bound to push you away after Macy. I’ve always known I’m not good enough for you but you never seemed to care. I won’t say I understand it, but if you’re willing to take me as I am then I need to be okay with that and let you. The bottom line for me is that I need to stop fucking pushing you away.” His breathing was somewhat ragged and was the only indication they weren’t just discussing some bland topic like the weather. Jack ran one hand down Ellie’s arm and linked their fingers together. The other hand stayed resting protectively on her stomach. Ellie tightened her fingers in his and burrowed deeper into his chest.
“I’ve always wanted you just as you are, just maybe without the groupies.” Ellie tried to inject some teasing into her voice. She was deeply afraid to read too much into his statement so she tried to make the moment more lighthearted. She snuggled into his warmth and tried not to think about the baby she’d just lost. She tried not to worry about what the future was going to bring and whether or not she’d ever get the family she wanted. She tried not to dwell on the years spent loving the man who sat silently behind her. Instead, she let Jack’s slightly citrusy man smell, his warmth, and his presence distract her. She let the repetitive motion of his stroking hand soothe her. She felt her body slowly relax into his as she concentrated on her breathing. The last thing she remembered thinking was that maybe her world could turn itself around after all.
TEN
While Jack sat and held Ellie as she drifted off to sleep in his arms, he tried to figure out how he was going to talk to Ellie about having more babies. He hadn’t lied when he said he wanted them with her. Unfortunately, it seemed it didn’t matter what he and Ellie wanted. Fate had other plans for them. After the doctor had come out of Ellie’s procedure, he had pulled Jack aside and explained some of the complications Ellie experienced with the pregnancy. According to the doctor, Ellie’s body had done everything in its power to rid itself of the baby from the onset of the pregnancy. Ellie had been unwell for a number of weeks and her body was exhausted. Her recuperation wouldn’t be immediate and the doctor wanted to mak
e sure Jack understood just how fragile Ellie was.
Jack explained to the doctor his desire to have Ellie get pregnant again as soon as she was healthy enough to conceive. It was a surreal moment because In Jack’s wildest dreams, he never thought he’d be standing in a hospital corridor planning to impregnate someone. However, Jack had noticed that while he was explaining his plans, the doctor was standing there looking distinctly uncomfortable. After Jack had run out of breath, the doctor had dropped a bombshell and left Jack reeling.
The doctor had carefully expressed grave concern regarding Ellie’s ability to carry a baby to full term. Jack knew nothing about pregnancy and had struggled to understand some of the terminology the doctor used. He had finally asked the doctor to put the words into plain English so he was certain the lead ball forming at the pit of his stomach wasn’t for nothing. He finally grasped what the doctor was saying. Any future pregnancies would be incredibly difficult, if not impossible, for Ellie. As Jack stood there listening to the doctor drone on about Ellie’s cervix, he felt the world shattering at his feet. Ellie had apparently always wanted a family with him but if he wasn’t able to give it to her, would she still want him around?
Jack’s arms tightened around Ellie’s sleeping body. Fuck, he didn’t know anything about how Ellie felt and he was terrified to find out. Maybe he’d damaged things too much between them and without the hope of a baby Ellie would turn away. The thought of never seeing Ellie again made him break out in a cold sweat. The past year had been bad enough and Jack didn’t want to go relive it. He knew this situation wasn’t all about him and felt like an asshole for worrying about the state of his relationship with Ellie while she didn’t even know the truth about her own body. Aside from his selfish reaction to Ellie’s inability to carry a baby, Jack didn’t know how he was going to explain this to her. He felt like shit for being unable to fix Ellie’s body for her. When he’d sat with her convincing her to get the D&C, he just assumed he would get her pregnant again right away and that, although it was sad this baby had died¸ there would be more. His assumptions wouldn’t have changed the outcome because the baby’s heartbeat had already stopped, but he still felt like shit for treating the entire situation so cavalierly. It seemed like his behavior was par for the course with their relationship though.