Destructive Silence (The Destructive Series)

by L. U. Ann

  “Oh nothing, really.” She pauses. “Well actually, I was thinking we should throw a break up party and have a girl’s night out this weekend. What do you say to that?”

  “Becca, I don’t want to go out just yet. I have no interest in dancing and having jerks putting their hands all over me. Besides, I have to work. The only thing I can think about is canceling the plane ticket I purchased to go home with Caine. Is there a cancellation deadline? Today is,” I count my fingers, “Eight days before we’re supposed to fly out.

  “Bullshit, you don’t work Friday and Saturday night. Did you forget how tight I am with your family? Nice try, bitch! I don’t know about canceling your plane ticket, love. Call the airline and hopefully they will give you a full refund or at least give you the opportunity to use it at another time. I have to go get ready for work. I’ll call you later about making plans for Saturday, okay love?”

  Fuck! She does know pretty much everyone’s schedule at the stores because she is around us so much. Maybe I need to separate myself a little so I can use work as an excuse, at least sometimes. She will not let me get away with not going out this weekend. I know her, and her persistence is going to grate on my nerves. And, with how my head feels like right now, I am in no mood to argue. “Fine, you win. I work tomorrow night and Saturday afternoon.”

  “Um hello, did you not realize I already knew that? Did you not see me sitting here with your mom? Wake up Lacey!” She smiles. Bitch!

  “Fine, but I’m telling you now, I may not be the best company. And, you should really watch your mouth around Cinnamon.” I giggle.

  “Whatever! And, oh hell yes, you will be perfect company. There will be no more static added to the whole issue going on with you and the asshat! I’ve heard enough about him and we are done talking about the douche bag.” She stands to put her mug in the sink. “I’m going girl, I’ll catch you later. Love you.” She kisses my cheek.

  “Love you too and try to behave yourself!” She smirks at me and I roll my eyes. Ugh, I need to get ready for work too. I have no interest in going out Saturday night, but I know Becca is trying to help me get over Caine.

  My head feels so much better after showering. It had to be from Becca’s game, which was a brain killer! I’ll be sure to never play it again. I need to get to the store to relieve mom, I don’t want her overdoing it. She is having another surgery on her neck in a few months to hopefully reduce her pain. This time they are fusing all of her cervical vertebrae together. She told me her recovery period will be a lot longer than the previous six surgeries. I don’t know how she gets up every day wearing that pretty smile because I know she is in terrible pain. Cinnamon walks with me out to the family room, waiting for me to leave so he can finally take his daily nap in peace. The life of a dog!

  Great, where the hell did I put my keys? I thought I put them on the key rack, but no, they aren’t there. I rummage through my purse. Dammit, I’m going to be late! After checking all of the rooms, they are nowhere to be found. I pull out my cell phone to call my mom to see if she has a clue, and fuck me two ways to China. There is a message from Caine. No, not one message; there are several. Why can’t he leave me the hell alone? What he did hurts enough, I don’t need the memory resurfacing when I see his name light up my phone. I need to take a moment to calm my nerves. I don’t want to read it because I’m scared of how I’ll feel once I do. I miss him and I love him too much for my own good. I thought we were stronger, but he did the unforgivable, and that’s a deal-breaker for me. My eyes begin to water and now I’m fucking pissed. Not allowing the threat of crying to become a reality, I stash my phone in my purse and walk out to the car. Shit! My keys, where the hell are they? I check to see if I left my car door unlocked last night so I can throw my stuff in before I go turn the house upside down again. I cannot believe Caine’s plethora of text messages; it’s not fair. I throw open my car door and I cannot believe what I see. How on God’s green earth did this happen? Have I lost my mind? If mom ever found out that I left my keys in the car, she will never let me live it down. Well at least I can leave now.

  “Seriously! What the hell?” There is something stuck on my windshield wiper. OH. MY. GOD. It’s a rose with a piece of paper underneath. Dammit! I swear it had better not be from Caine or I’m going to have a fucking freak-out moment and begin to think he is stalking me. Then again, who else would it be from? I get out and pull the rose and paper from under the wiper and plop myself behind the steering wheel. Bringing the red rose to my nose, I sniff the sweet smell and wonder if I should look at the letter now? I can’t. I don’t have time for his bullshit right now. I need to relieve mom. I lay the rose on my dash and tuck the letter in my purse, resolving to read it later. Maybe.

  Work was a blur because the text messages and his letter were burning a hole in my purse. I did everything I could to stay busy and not think about him. I cringed each time I heard my phone vibrate in my purse. I finally decide to turn it off. After keeping myself busy all day, I was exhausted and fell on my bed as soon as I walked in my room. I lay in bed staring at my purse, contemplating whether to get up and read the letter. That’s all I remember before falling asleep.

  Caine has sent twenty-two text messages since my I activated my new phone on Wednesday evening. He is mighty persistent. I’m working a twelve-hour day for my parents today, and so far, it’s been busy enough to keep me from texting Caine back. I feel if I reply once, I’ll be opening Pandora’s Box and he will stop at nothing. It’s been seven days since I spoke to him last, and one would think he’d get the idea, but it seems like I’ll have to reiterate that we are over. However, today he won’t be getting that text. Fridays are always busy and I will scrub the boutique from top to bottom before I slack off and give in to sending him a message. I know he’s sorry, but is he truly sorry or sorry that he got caught? How much longer would the cheating have gone on before he told me, or would he ever confess if the bitch didn’t make the big reveal? I need to clear my mind because I cannot think about this now, and he needs to stop contacting me. Maybe tonight I will read his text messages and the note to try to figure out what to do from there.

  My heart began to beat faster and faster the closer I got to the house. It’s almost as if I didn’t want to get home for fear of what was on my phone and written on the paper. I don’t know what he thinks he could possibly say that would change my mind.

  I pull into the driveway and turn off the car, though I don’t want to get out. So I sit for a minute and try to gather my thoughts. Mom probably heard me pull up, if she is still awake, and I don’t want to worry her, so I had better go inside before she gets up. The lights are on outside, but the house is dark except for the kitchen. I walk in to say hi.

  “Hey dad, did mom go to bed?” Cinnamon greets me excitedly and I gently pat his head. I can’t believe Cinnamon isn’t in bed with mom. He’s usually attached to her hip when she’s home, so the only reason he isn’t sleeping next to her is he’s hungry. Awe, poor little guy. I look at Cinnamon and tell him, “I’ll check and see if you were fed supper. If not Lacey will feed you sweets, okay?” As if he’s going to answer me with anything but a wagging tail.

  “Yeah, your mom wasn’t feeling well. I told her I would clean up the kitchen and feed Cinnamon,” my dad says.

  “Ah, so you were telling me the truth.” I look down at Cinnamon and his tail is going at warp speed; he knows we are talking about him and food. I’m surprised he wasn’t fed sooner than now because he was diagnosed with diabetes five years ago. We almost lost him when he went into diabetic shock. Now he needs twice-daily injections. He can’t be left alone for long periods of time in case he goes into shock again. Cinnamon has been a savior for my mom with her neck and back pain, keeping her mind preoccupied.

  “I’ll fix it,” I tell my dad, procrastinating before I walk into the confines of my room and read something that will surely upset me. I feed Cinnamon and give him his insulin before I get ready to begin my nightly bedtime routine. />
  Ready for bed and with nothing else to do, I pull the letter out of my purse. Sitting on the edge of my bed, I begin to unfold the paper. Just the sight of his handwriting makes my heart ache, causing me to close my eyes for a moment before I begin reading.

  Dear Lacey,

  I’m sorry for dropping this off on your windshield. I just really needed to tell you how sorry I am, and I’m not sure if you’ve read the text messages I’ve sent so I got desperate. Please, Lacey, I beg you to finish reading this before trashing it or balling it up and throwing it against the wall.

  He knows me pretty well. The thought crossed my mind to throw it out the window on Interstate 95 on my way to work yesterday. I continue reading.

  I’m so sorry baby. I never meant to hurt you! Nothing I say or do will make what I did okay. It was horrible and there is no excuse for what I’ve done. I love you and want to be with you so badly it hurts. Last Friday night my world shattered because of my stupid mistakes. I admit I did the unthinkable. I’m so sorry baby. I did the stupidest thing not once, but twice. I had my entire world with you and I threw it away. I would do anything to go back and change what I did. I know this isn’t an excuse, but it happened when I was completely wasted. I never would have done this to you with a clear mind. I love you too much. You are so beautiful, wonderful and such an amazing person. I threw everything away because I was thinking with my dick and not my head. I cannot tell you how sorry I am because there aren’t words. I promise I will stop drinking so much from now on. I don’t ever want to betray your trust again!

  I know you don’t want to talk to me. I hurt you in the worst way and I can’t blame you for wanting nothing to do with me. I pray you will somehow find a way to forgive me. I miss you so much: your beautiful smile, your laughter, and your intoxicating scents: sweet cucumber skin and coconut hair. I miss holding you in my arms. I’m lost without you. I miss your sweet tender kisses and getting lost in them. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and if you can find a place in your heart to give us another chance or to let me see you and tell you how I feel in person, I promise to be the best person I can for you. I know in my heart and soul we belong together and I’m willing to do whatever it takes for you to give me a second chance. I love you so much and cannot imagine my life without you. I don’t want to!

  I constantly check my phone to see if you’ve replied to my texts or called. The silence is killing me and I’m empty without you. I love you, Lacey, and I am deeply sorry for the pain I’ve put you through. I will give you the space you need and I won’t contact you anymore. I love you baby, please I beg, give me another chance. I want to go back to the way things were before I messed up.

  I love you forever and always,

  Caine

  I set the letter that now has little wet spots all over it down. I stare at it with tears bleeding out of my eyes. I’m so confused now; I don’t know what to do. I love him so much and I don’t want to live without him either. I miss him. Dear God, what do I do? Can I forgive him?

  Taking a deep breath, I pull my phone out of my purse and begin to look at the text messages. There are so many! I scroll down and decide I’ll only read a couple because I’m already emotionally spent from the letter.

  Caine: Wednesday 8:29pm: I haven’t heard from you and wanted to make sure you got my text messages. I’m sorry baby. I love you.

  Caine: Wednesday 9:10pm: Baby, can you please text or call me? I miss you and just want to talk. If I don’t hear from you, have a goodnight sweetheart. I love you!

  Caine: Thursday 7:54am: Good morning Lacey. I just finished PT and wanted to tell you how much I love and miss you. Please reply. I love you so much.

  I skip two messages and read:

  Caine: Thursday 11:02am: I just got back to the office from my lunch break. I took an early lunch so I could stop by your house before you left for work, and put something on your windshield. I miss you baby!

  I skip a number of more messages and settle to read only one more tonight; then I will be turning this monster off.

  Caine: Thursday 8:37pm: Hey beautiful! I hope you had a chance to read the letter I left for you. You’re constantly on my mind. I know I told you in the letter I would give you space and I will after this message. I just couldn’t help myself. I’m missing you so much. I love you with all of my heart Lacey, forever and always!

  I throw my head in my pillow wanting to scream at this guy. He has torn my heart out, and wants me to forgive him for having sex with another girl. Can my heart heal? If I take him back, will he hurt me again; and if he does, will my heart survive? It probably wouldn’t. I need to cut ties and forget him. I will meet someone eventually who will treat me better. I send a quick text to Caine:

  Lacey: Friday 10:42pm: Can we meet for coffee one day?

  I check my email messages while I wait for him to respond, and as expected, he replies immediately.

  Caine: Friday 10:43pm: I’m so happy to hear from you baby. How’s tomorrow? I love you.

  Shit! Tomorrow? There is no way I can do this tomorrow. I need more time, more distance, and more emotional preparation before seeing him. I mentally go over my schedule. Perfect!

  Lacey: Friday 10:48pm: I can’t. How’s Tuesday?

  I don’t even bother putting the phone down or looking at anything because I know he will respond instantly, and I need to get this over with. I was right.

  Caine: Friday 10:50pm: Tuesday’s perfect. What time should I pick you up? We can go to the local coffee shop you like so much. I love you.

  Dammit, I don’t want him picking me up. No way in hell can that happen! Think Lacey, think. Oh!

  Lacey: Friday 10:53pm: I have stuff to do early in the am. Let’s meet there at 11am?

  Caine: Friday 10:55pm: I’ll be there sweetheart. I miss you like crazy and can’t wait to see you! I love you. Good night baby.

  I roll my eyes and power off my phone without returning to look over my emails. I can’t think about anything else right now. I need to get my game face on, because he thinks we are getting back together. Fuck!

  Chapter Nine

  Shock

  It’s Saturday night and as I am walking out the front door, I think about how good it feels to finally get out and have fun. I owe it all to Becca. She thought it was time for me to get my tail out of the house to enjoy some dancing.

  When I see Caine on Tuesday, I need to remember to tell him I won’t be traveling to Florida with him. We’ve had this trip scheduled for about a month to visit his family. When I purchased that plane ticket, my head was in the clouds. Damn, another day I forgot to call the airline to cancel my flight. I know I need to make the time; my mind just isn’t working like it did pre-bitch-smacking-Caine-on-the-lips-and-him-fucking-admitting-it-to-me-days.

  Caine hasn’t sent me a text since the final one last night. If he continued to send me messages like those that he had earlier in the week, I was seriously thinking about blocking his number. Last night, I had a weak moment after reading the sappy ass letter he left on my car along with the rose. I know our relationship is over, but apparently, he needs to see me in person to get it through his thick skull. Tuesday is my day off and that’s the only reason I suggested that day. I’m not sure if I’m going to need the rest of the day to get my emotions under control after meeting with him. Work has kept me busy enough that I haven’t had time to wallow in self-pity. The nights are the worst, and no matter what he did, I miss him. I began to second-guess myself this morning. What if that bitch was jealous and was trying to start something between us? Maybe Caine was telling the truth. No Lacey. He admitted it. What the hell is wrong with me? The stress is making me too tired to do anything; it’s almost as if I’m on autopilot. I thought I was coming down with something, but thankfully, mom thinks it’s just exhaustion. When I talked to Becca this morning about second-guessing myself, she threw the biggest hissy fit of her life-thus far. Then she demanded I follow through on going out to dance with her tonight. Getting bac
k onto the dance floor is sure to make me feel a lot like my old self.

  Turning on the ignition to my car causes Becca to shut her eyes tight and shake her head in disappointment. Oops, I forgot to turn it to a radio station before she got in the car; so she wouldn’t hear me listening to Boys II Men, ‘End of the Road’. “What the fuck, Lacey? You’re torturing yourself! Have you been listening to this depressing shit the past few days? What the hell else is on this CD? Oh my fucking God, another one of their songs, ‘Water Runs Dry’? Shit Lacey!”