Destructive Silence (The Destructive Series)

by L. U. Ann

  “Lacey, I was wondering if I could come over earlier tomorrow. The guys have plans and want me to join them. You’re not working tomorrow are you?” Caine asks.

  “No, that’s fine. We’ll be here.” Do I dare tell him about the plans I’ve made; I mean the plans Becca made and demanded my presence? I think I’ll keep that to myself. He doesn’t need to know.

  “Are you getting tired little man?” Caine asks Evan. It’s so sweet to watch him look at Evan as if he’s his world. I know that look because it’s the same look I have for Evan. He is my world.

  “It is about that time. Do you want to get him ready for bed?” I ask Caine.

  “Sure. Do you mind fixing a bottle while I change him?”

  “Not at all. Go enjoy him and I’ll be right in there.” I prepare Evan’s bedtime bottle, reflecting on how easy this mom thing came to me.

  I walk into my room, the room I share with Evan, and Caine has him bundled in a blanket ready for bed, but he’s rocking him while singing lullabies. I watch from the doorway, my heart heavy with emotions I want, but am scared to have. “Lacey, how about you take him? I want to go get something.”

  “Okay.”

  Caine pulls one of dad’s guitars down and begins to strum the guitar and sing ‘Whatever It Takes’ by Lifehouse as I rock Evan to sleep. He’s not singing directly to Evan. He doesn’t even look at Evan when his gaze rises; he’s singing to me. I want to cry because I don’t want to love him this much. What am I supposed to do? Can he change? Can he be the person I fell in love with? I didn’t realize tears were, in fact, escaping my eyes until he put the guitar down and moved towards Evan and me. He gently pulls Evan from my arms and puts him in his crib. Once he has him settled, he turns around to me. Only I haven’t moved a muscle. I’m paralyzed by the overwhelming emotions of what I feel for him. My eyes remain focused on the ground. I’m having a hard time being near him right now. I need to think. I need air. I need Caine to be the person he promised he would be.

  Caine kneels in front of me. “Lacey, I’m serious; I’ll do whatever it takes. I love you. I’m so sorry for ever laying a hand on you or saying the horrible things I did. I’ll live with the regret every day for how I treated you. I don’t know how to live without you. We are young, but if we love each other, we can make this work. Please Lacey, give me another chance. A chance I know I don’t deserve but am desperate to have. I didn’t know what to do when we found out you were pregnant and we got married. It was all happening so fast, even though I begged to take care of you. I got scared and began drinking. I’m so sorry baby. I know I should have treated you better, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you if you’ll have me.” He pauses, grabbing my hands. “Please Lacey, don’t keep us apart any longer. You know we are meant to be. We can be a happy little family, just the three of us.”

  “I don’t know if I have anything left in me, Caine. It’s so hard to be around you with what you did to me, but also because the person I fell in love with just disappeared. I won’t lie. I love you too, but sometimes love isn’t enough. I used to be enough for you and then for some reason, I wasn’t. I don’t ever want to feel like that again. My heart broke so many times over you. I’ll always love you, Caine. Always,” I say with tears spilling from my eyes.

  “Please. God, Lacey, don’t let me live without you. We can start over; I can fix this if you give me a chance. I’ve stopped drinking and I’ll do anything else you want me to do so that you’ll give me another chance,” Caine says pleadingly. “I can’t believe I was so stupid baby. I love you and Evan so much. You are my world. I don’t want anyone else. I want and need you. You make me better.” He moves the rocking chair to pull me into a sweet gentle kiss. I can’t resist him. He’s broken down the reinforced walls I’ve built since walking out of our apartment. Is it wrong to want him after everything he’s done? Is there something wrong with me for wanting him so bad that it hurts, even after all the pain and grief he caused?

  He leans into me, tracing my lips with his tongue. I want nothing more than to give myself to him. He stands and pulls me up with him into a hug. “Lacey baby, I love you and I don’t ever want to let you down again.” Loosening his hold, he pulls his head back to capture my mouth, wrapping his arms tightly around my shoulders, this time not as gentle. We are in the midst of a heated kiss, relearning each crevice of our mouths searching for our comfort. Caine leads me to the edge of my bed, and we fall back without breaking our kiss. We lie back on the bed, kissing, nothing more. He isn’t trying to move this to the next level of intimacy; he’s taking it slow. I’m so unsure of everything right now. Our legs are tangled, but our hips don’t move. We are simply kissing and it’s beautiful. It makes me want this, him, us, our family.

  “Lacey baby, I need to go before I screw this up. I love you and I don’t want to mess up more than I have. Please know I love you,” Caine says, with his hot breath against my neck. I nod and allow him to get up without protesting. “I’ll see you and our little man tomorrow. I love you.” He kisses my cheek and walks out.

  I sit on the edge of my bed and cry. I cry because I’m scared of what will happen if I listen to my heart. As I am getting ready for bed, I relive each tender moment, filling my heart with hopes and dreams of what could be. I fall into a restful sleep.

  Caine arrives earlier today to spend time with Evan. We take a walk around the neighborhood. It’s a little chilly, but not as cold as a normal late March afternoon. Caine tells me about his possible orders to relocate in a couple of months to Maine. He asks about my plans for college in the fall. I’ve decided to put them on hold again until Evan gets a little older. I’m sure many mothers attend college, but right now, I’m doing everything I can to keep my head above water. I don’t want to add stress to my plate that will cause me to have less time with Evan. He’s growing like a weed and needs me more than anything else.

  We eat lunch together and the three of us snuggle, watching a movie on TV. Evan sleeps through most of it. Caine occasionally stole kisses from me, making it a really special day. I feel like we are turning our relationship around. When it is time for him to leave, he spends a few extra minutes talking to Evan and telling him how much he loves him. I walk him out, holding Evan in my arms. Caine gingerly kisses me in front of our son, but it quickly turns into something else. Desire, longing, want, and need build in our kiss. Caine rests his forehead on mine, with an arm around Evan and me. It was perfect. I don’t want him to go. I don’t want to go out tonight. I just want Caine and Evan. They are my future, my everything. “I love you so much, Lacey.”

  “I love you too,” I finally whisper to him. He kisses me again, harder, forgetting Evan is in our arms. Quickly, I ease up, for the sake of our son. We’ll have our time. I’m going to take this slow because the last thing my baby boy needs is an emotionally wrecked mommy.

  Caine leaves later than he originally planned, which means I don’t have much time to get ready before Becca arrives. She will have my hide if I’m not ready. Becca, Trish, and Lane are treating me to a night out. Becca says I need to cut loose and live a little. I just roll my eyes, because she will find any excuse to get me out.

  My mom is watching Evan for the evening so I don't have to worry about getting back early. Becca's enthusiasm is contagious. "Are you ready girl?" she asks from my bathroom. I'm sliding my dress on when she comes walking into my room. "Really Lacey, how much longer is it going to take you? You need to get your ass moving. The girls are going to be here any minute.” I shake my head at her persistence. I’m tired and could really use more sleep and more Caine. Evan’s not sleeping through the night. Waking up multiple times in the middle of the night is beginning to take its toll on my body. I’m grateful for mom’s help tonight.

  I walk out to where Becca is waiting for me in the hallway. “Woo hoo, girlie you are beautiful. Those girls aren’t going to have anything on you.” I’m wearing a simple deep purple dress with heels. I’m thankful I’m almost at my
pre-Prego figure. I still have a little pooch to work on, but I’m not stressing about it. Evan is my complete focus now, not my body.

  “Becca, I’m married. I’m not looking for a sugar daddy.”

  “Well, maybe you should, because the asshat you’re married to doesn’t give a shit about spending time with his wife.”

  “You know Becca, just because a thought pops in your head doesn’t mean it should come out of your mouth. We are working on things. He’s been really sweet since Evan was born and has been trying.” I gawk at her.

  “I’m sorry, love. That asshole makes me flip my bitch switch. I think the pig is whacked out for leaving his gorgeous wife at home to go out.”

  “Becca,” I warn. “I don’t want to get into it now.” I didn’t bother telling her I never asked him where he was going tonight. We are taking it slow and I don’t want to involve him in my night with the girls.

  “Love, one day you’ll see what everyone else sees. I promise I won’t be that friend to say I told you so, but I think denial has you blinded. He may apologize, but remember I heard what he said to you. That is not all right in any situation. I’m only thinking of you, honey. I don’t want to get a call one day that you are in the hospital, or worse, that Evan’s in the hospital. I will be here for you but it doesn’t mean I like what you’re putting yourself through. I will try my hardest to watch what comes out of my mouth. You can only expect so much self-control out of this whipper-snapper.” She smiles teasingly.

  I hear Lane and Trish honk the car horn for us. “Whatever. I don’t want to talk about him right now. Let’s go have some fun.” I pull her towards the door with my arm around her shoulder. “Oh wait, I’ll be right back.” I turn quickly to give my favorite little man, Evan, one more smooch before heading out.

  Trish is driving us tonight. The girls wanted to make sure I wouldn’t have a care in the world tonight. They have been awesome while trying to help me through this difficult time. I couldn’t ask for better friends and family. Once we walk through the doors of the club, I smile at the girls. They know I’m ready to take over the night on the dance floor. Now that I’m here, my body is so excited to cut loose. We order waters and take our usual spot just off the dance floor to take in the scene. I was ready to dance as soon as we paid our cover, but I know I must hydrate first. Evan doesn’t need a lethargic and dehydrated mom tomorrow morning. That little man is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I thank God every day for giving him to me. I know I’m a young mom and it’s not the most ideal time to have a child, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

  Becca is right behind me, throwing her water bottle away. We look at each other with big eyes at the song the DJ just began playing. Oh yes, ‘That’s Not My Name’ by The Ting Tings. It’s time to get on the dance floor. I look over at Trish and Lane and they are clearly not ready to dance. They roll their eyes at us. Becca and I love to sing this song at the top of our lungs acting like two crazy girls. I’m so happy having a baby hasn’t changed anything about our friendship. Becca simply adores Evan and he reciprocates the feelings. I am very blessed for the people in my life.

  I’ve mentally decided to give Caine another chance. It’s taken a lot to persuade me. I’m trying to keep him at an arm’s length to protect my heart, but who the hell am I kidding? I never stopped loving him and as bad as it got, I still love him. He is Evan’s dad after all and as long as he’s a good father, he is welcome in his life.

  Becca and I mouth the words ‘It’s not my name, it’s not my name.’ We are dancing in our own magical world with the song taking over our brains. As this song finishes, Robin Thicke’s ‘Blurred Lines’ flows through the speakers, causing Becca and I to get energized by the up-tempo. We dance closely, throwing our bodies back and forth to the beat. This is such an amazing song to make you feel good. We cause unwanted commotion on the dance floor. I’m so caught up in moving to the rhythm that I don’t realize what’s going on around me. I love this song because I am a good girl right? Right! Before the song ends, I look up at Becca and smile. She wears a look on her face that I can’t read. I go back to my world after smiling at her. Usher’s ‘Love in this Club’ begins to play and my hips move slower to the electric beats in tune to the instruments. I close my eyes and feel the music. The beat pulses my body, describing the emotions through my movements. I twist my midsection and my arms begin to move toward the ceiling. The lights are exploding around the dance floor and sweat begins to trickle done the sides of my face, causing my hair to stick to it. Suddenly, I feel a hand on my hip and I quickly spin around to tell the jerkoff no. Becca and I came here to dance, not to hook up. My heart stops suddenly and I have to remind myself to breathe.

  OMG, it’s Caine.

  That must be why Becca gave me the look earlier. I wonder if she knew he was behind me the entire time. Fuck! ‘I know you’re scared baby we don’t know what we’re doing’ the lyrics sing. His hands grab my hips to pull me closer. My legs go weak from longing for his intimate touch and embrace. I am so in love with him; I need to stop pretending. My feelings for this man are so intense that I cannot think straight when I’m in his presence. Having him here, staring at me with his intoxicating eyes is helping to break down the remaining barriers between us.

  We’ve always had a magnetic pull on the dance floor. His hips pulse with mine as Usher sings ‘Baby let me love you down.’ And oh yes, at this moment, he can love me down for God’s sake. His arm moves to the small of my back to pull me in closer. Dammit, he is growing in excitement. Has he missed this as much as I’ve missed it? I’m an emotional mess at the moment. I want him so bad. His other hand works its way into my hair, bringing my face inches from his. The warmth of his breath is sending blood to the pit of my stomach. He gently pulls my hair to move my head back to see the lust in my eyes. He knows exactly what the fuck he’s doing and I’m unable to fight back my emotions.

  His mouth moves to my ear, breath heavy as he says, “Oh, baby you got it all.” The heat of his mouth moves along to my jaw and seals my mouth. He doesn’t need to ask for entrance, as my mouth is already open from the heady combination. After last night and this afternoon, I give up. I allow my body to lose control. It’s been too long since I’ve felt this and if this is the last time I feel this, I’ll make the most of it.

  The hand that’s on my back moves south to cup my rear, pushing me into his cock. I’m on the verge of exploding from my longing for him. He deepens the kiss, taking me prisoner. My lips are already swollen from his eagerness. He pulls back, taking my bottom lip with him. I cannot believe I forgot how great a lover he is. His kisses earlier today were gentle compared to now. His lips follow down my jaw, then down to my neck, sending excitement throughout my body. He finds my ear and sucks on its. My arms are on his biceps. I hear him groan, causing a moan to erupt from me. I am so ready for him to take me right here, right now. We’ve been through so much the past year and we deserve this. We need to be together; I think I believe him when he said we were meant to be. I wonder what this means for our future if I give into him. I know he is feeling this too; his actions are speaking louder than words. He wants me just as bad.

  He pulls back to look at me with hooded eyes full of desire. I am immobilized by his stare. He moves my hips in tune with the music and his hands begin to explore my body again. They work their way along my sides as if he has never touched me before. His caress is empowering and fucking sexy as hell. I’ve moved my hands to his shoulders. I’m almost too scared to move them, afraid I might lose this moment. I’m trying to burn it into my memory. As great as this feels, I’m not stupid, only human, and I cannot deny missing this with him. Selena Gomez’s ‘Come and Get It’ begins and the heat picks up between us. Caine pulls my leg up around his waist like he used to. His fullness presses in my entrance. My body has taken over my thoughts of reality. I am only aware of Caine and the trance he has put me in. My hands move to his back and take in the plethora of muscles under them. This is heaven. I
miss this. I wonder if Lane and Trish have seen me on the dance floor with Caine. Lane is going to have a freaking conniption if so.

  Caine leans into my ear, “I miss this Lacey; I miss you so fucking much. I was honest yesterday when I told you I wish we could go back in time. I would do so many things differently.” I pull back to look into his eyes. I believe he’s being honest. He has that look in his eyes. I’m speechless.

  We continue to move to the music. Letting go of my leg, he spins me around, placing his hand along my stomach, to remove the distance between us. God I love this. His hot, heavy breath is on my neck and my panties become wetter. I want a night to forget everything that’s happened. I want him so bad. My hips move with his and his hardness is pushing into me. Do I have the ability to take him back this soon? We have so much to work out, but my hormones are beginning to get the best of me.