Hard to Fight

by Bella Jewel

  “This is supercool, Raide.”

  He grins down at me and sits in his seat. “Don’t do romantic, but I can give you a piece of me.”

  “Burgers?” I smile.

  “Yeah, baby, burgers. And fries. And shakes. And fresh-picked flowers. A candle that I stole from Benny’s cabin.”

  I laugh softly. “I love it.”

  He tilts his head to the side and studies me. “Figured you would.”

  We eat in silence, but our eyes remain locked the entire time. When we’re finished, Raide stands and offers me his hand. “Dance?”

  “You said you don’t dance.”

  His lips quirk. “Do you want romance or not, lady?”

  I smile slyly, but then shake my head, confused. “But there’s no music.”

  “There doesn’t need to be music for two people to move together and make somethin’ special.”

  God.

  He’s perfect.

  I take his hand and we stand. He pulls me close, resting a hand on my hip while the other clutches mine, then we move across the open field, swaying to the invisible music. He’s right—there doesn’t need to be sound, because in this moment, what Raide and I are creating outweighs everything else beautiful in my life.

  “Raide?” I whisper, pressing my cheek to his chest.

  “Yeah, lady?”

  “I wish we never had to leave.”

  He sighs. “Feelin’ you.”

  We sway some more, then Raide lets me go and walks to the table. He lifts the sheet and pulls out an old picnic rug. “Best sunset from up here.”

  He lays it out on the ground and we both sit on it. I tuck my knees up to my chest and stare out at the sun that’s slowly beginning to set. Birds are quieting down, trees are softly swaying, and there’s nothing around for miles but Raide and me. He tucks me into his side and I hook my fingers through his, staring out at the gorgeous scene in front of me.

  “Tell me about your family, Raide,” I whisper.

  “Not much to tell.”

  “Sure there is.”

  He’s silent a moment, then he tells me the story. “My dad was a jerk. From day one, he was always drinkin’ or high. He got locked away when I was old enough to care. He left my mom alone with Kelly and me. She was never the best mom, but there were times I think she wanted to be. She couldn’t take it, and when I hit fourteen, she ran. I still don’t know where she ran to, but it crushed Kelly.”

  “It would,” I say softly. “No one deserves to lose both their parents.”

  “The funny thing is, I was angrier at him. I mean, if he was a decent man and a good husband and father, he might not have been put away and Mom might not have decided to pack it all up and run. It was obviously too hard for her.”

  I don’t entirely agree. I think as a mom, it’s your job to fight no matter what for your children, but I’m not about to drop that on Raide. He’s got no one left, and I don’t pretend to know how horrible that must feel.

  “Were there any good foster families?”

  “Yeah,” he says, his tone fond. “When we were across the road from Benny, life was good then.”

  “Do you think you’ll ever see your mom again?”

  He shrugs. “No, and I don’t really want to. What would I say to her?”

  “Does she know about Kelly?”

  “I honestly don’t know.”

  “Do you think it would upset her?”

  He’s silent a minute, and I wonder if my question is too invasive. He finally answers. “Yeah, funnily enough, I really think it would. I don’t think she wanted to be a poor mother. I think she just married the wrong man.”

  “Maybe.”

  “You don’t think so?”

  I don’t answer.

  “You won’t offend me, Grace.”

  I sigh. “I guess … I just couldn’t ever see myself abandoning my children. No matter what, I just couldn’t do it, but I’ve never been in her situation either. Maybe things are different.”

  “No,” he murmurs. “You’re right. She should have fought harder. You should always fight for what you love.”

  Time for a subject change. “It’s really beautiful up here.”

  “My happy place,” he says, his voice low and throaty. “And you’ve just made it a whole lot happier.”

  Guilt lies heavily in my chest. It’s getting closer—we’re coming to the point where I’m going to have to reveal to Raide who I am when I attempt to take him in. The very thought sends shock waves of pain through my chest. I’m falling for him. That’s the cold, hard truth of the matter. How the hell am I going to survive when I lose him? And it’s not a matter of “if” in this situation, it’s a matter of “when.”

  Because I will lose him.

  This isn’t a fight I can win.

  Chapter Nineteen

  I’m awakened by Raide’s soft lips brushing across my forehead. I blink my eyes to see him looking down at me. I fell asleep on the porch swing. It’s our last night here, and we’ve spent the entire day hiking, making love, and eating good food. We came back and I passed out from exhaustion. Now the sun is beginning to set and reality is beginning to rear its ugly head.

  “Hey,” I croak.

  “Hey. Listen, I gotta go out with Benny for a few hours. You goin’ to be okay?”

  Oh.

  “Oh,” I say softly. “Ah, where are you going?”

  “Just for a beer—it’s been so long since I’ve had the chance to catch up with him.”

  I’m not about to tell him he can’t spend time with Benny. “Sure,” I say.

  “Heaps of food in there, and movies on the television. I won’t be long.”

  I nod and he kisses me once more before disappearing to the car and driving off. I sigh and push up from the swing chair. I sit for a moment, waking up fully before plodding back inside. I take a long, hot bubble bath and then I make myself a sandwich before settling onto the couch. I’m still exhausted, so having a quiet night is probably a good thing. I find a good flick and settle in.

  Midway through the movie, I get up and raid the fridge for some chocolate. I find some cookies-and-cream ice cream, so I take the entire tub and a spoon, then flop back down onto the couch. I’m midway through shoving my spoon in when my phone rings, I glance down at the screen to see it’s Vance. Crap. I haven’t told him where I am. I told Kady, but haven’t had the chance to think about anyone else.

  I answer it. “Hey, Vance.”

  “Hey, honey, how’s it going?”

  I sigh with relief. He’s not mad. “It’s good, I’m just away for a few days. I’ll be back tomorrow.”

  “How’s the case?”

  “It’s okay. I thought I had it all worked out, but I didn’t. I’m sure Don’s told you.”

  “Don’t worry about it—you did a good job. Not your fault he was squatting.”

  My chest clenches. “No,” I sigh. “I guess not.”

  “You okay, Gracie Lou? You don’t sound your usual sassy self.”

  That’s because I think I’m falling in love with the man I’m meant to be bringing in. “I’m just tired, stressed. These big jobs are harder than I thought.”

  “Don’t give up,” he encourages. “You’re going to do great. It takes time.”

  We talk about various things for the next hour and then we hang up. I’m just about to settle back down when car lights flash through the window. Then two doors slam, and I can hear distinct arguing. A moment later, the front door flings open and Benny enters, followed by Raide. I gasp when I take him in. He’s got a busted lip and a swollen eye. I leap up, abandoning the ice cream to rush over, but his hand shoots up and he grunts, “No.”

  I look to Benny helplessly. “What happened?”

  “Nothin’ fuckin’ happened,” Raide grunts, cutting Benny off before he can answer.

  Benny shoots Raide a glare so angry, I flinch. “You’re lyin’ to her. She doesn’t know, does she?”

  Know what? I swallow. “Rai
de?” I whisper.

  His eyes flash to me, and I see so much anger behind them. “Benny,” he growls, all while holding my stare. “You shut your mouth.”

  Benny laughs bitterly. “She’s a good woman, Raide. She’s a good fuckin’ woman who thought you came up here to spend time with her, when that’s not what it was.”

  Oh God.

  “Shut—your—fucking—mouth.”

  Benny shakes his head. “No. Gracie, I’m sorry to do this, but the only reason Raide came here is because he got word Kelly’s dropkick boyfriend was hanging around. Tonight we found him.”

  No.

  No.

  No.

  “Raide beat the fuckin’ shit outta him. The only saving grace is that I was there and the guy was drunk, stoned off his fuckin’ rocker, so he had no idea who Raide was.”

  No.

  “You—” I swallow. “—you brought me here just to find that guy?”

  Raide looks to me, and his eyes soften slightly. “Yeah, I came here to find him, but I brought you because I fuckin’ wanted to.”

  “I asked you,” I say, my voice a low whip. “I asked you, and you swore it was ‘just a few days away.’”

  “Grace.”

  “Fuck you!” I screech. “You just won’t learn, will you?”

  His jaw ticks. “You know nothing about my situation.”

  “Don’t I?” I bark. “I know you’re running from the cops, I know you’re trying to find a man to kill him, I know you’re angry and you want revenge. Did you ever for one second stop and consider me in all this? You’ve been going on about how I’m making things better for you, but how much better can it be when you’re still going to end up in prison because your need for revenge is bigger than any of this?”

  Raide flinches and Benny steps to my side.

  Tears rise up and run down my cheeks.

  “Grace—,” Raide begins again.

  “What’s going to happen to me when you’re on trial for murder?” I yell. “A murder you actually committed! You’re going to end up in jail, that’s what.”

  “Baby—”

  “What’s going to happen to us then?” I continue to yell, throwing my hands out. “Why bother with me, Raide? Why did you start this when you know, you fucking know, it’ll end.”

  I know I’m not being fair, because I’m as big a liar as Raide. My guilt, my pain, my feelings, they’ve all finally caught up with me. But I’ll be damned if I watch Raide throw his life away.

  “Grace—”

  “No,” I say, and tears burst from my eyelids. “I get it, Raide. I get that you want to make him pay, but did you ever stop and think about doing it the right way? You’re so desperate to make him bleed that you’ve forgotten everything else. Do you think this is what Kelly would want for you?”

  Raide’s jaw is tight and his fists are balled by his sides. “Don’t talk about my sister like you know what she’d want. Besides, you’re one to talk!” he snarls.

  “Excuse me?”

  “A waitress, Grace? We both know you ain’t one of those. I don’t know what you are, but you’re carryin’ a bigger fuckin’ secret than any of us.”

  I flinch.

  He laughs bitterly. “My point, exactly.”

  “Then why am I here?”

  He throws his hands up. “I don’t fuckin’ know, because I thought you were worth something!”

  “Worth so much, you were willing to put yourself at risk and leave me alone?”

  He tenses. “I didn’t think it’d go that far.”

  Oh—my—god.

  “So I was a fun fuck?” I whisper.

  “Grace, I didn’t—!”

  “Take me home.”

  “Grace.”

  “Take me home!” I scream so loudly, Benny flinches beside me. “Now.”

  “I’ll take you, honey,” Benny says gently.

  “Like fuck you will. I’ll take her.” Raide lifts the keys and storms out to my car.

  I turn to Benny. “I’m sorry.”

  He shakes his head. “It’s okay.”

  Then I quickly gather my things and carry them out to the car. My heart is heavy, my body is aching, and something in my soul is broken. I have to switch it off. This was going to happen, I knew it was going to happen. This was never going to work, it was never going to be a “happily ever after.” I was fooling myself. Raide was fooling himself. I have to end this because we’d end up killing each other purely from the pain.

  “I’m driving,” I say to Raide. My voice is frighteningly empty.

  “No.”

  “It’s my fucking car!” I yell. “I’m driving it.”

  “I said,” Raide growls. “No.”

  “You’ve been drinking.”

  “Two drinks, I can drive.”

  “Just let me drive!” I screech. “I need to drive!”

  I need to drive so I can take him straight to my office and turn him in. It’s time to end this. If I don’t, he’s going to kill Kelly’s real murderer and ruin his own life forever. Me turning him in is the kindest thing I can do for him. It’s the right thing. I pull out my phone and turn it on, then I look at Raide, who is studying me. “No, I’ll drive.”

  He’s not going to make this easy, because he’s suspicious.

  “It’s my car,” I say carefully. “Now, give me the keys.”

  He ignores me and gets in. “You get in or I leave you here.”

  With an angry grunt, I get in. Raide yells out something to Benny about coming back to get his things, then he speeds off down the road. The tension in the car is thick, and pain has lodged itself deep in my heart. There’s nothing more to say. Raide used me. I used him. We both fucked up. I open my messages on my phone and I send one to everyone on my team.

  G—Bringing Raide in. About three hours. Need manpower.

  Then I stuff the phone into the cup holder. Raide and I drive in silence. There’s clearly nothing more to say. Tears burn under my eyelids but I don’t let them flow. I can’t. My phone dings a few times but I ignore it. What I’m about to do is going to break my heart, tear it into a thousand tiny shreds, but I don’t have a choice. It’s for the best, for both Raide and me. The more time I spend chasing him, the more I fall for him. The more time he spends chasing Kelly’s killer, the more he loses who he is.

  “Getting gas,” he grunts, pulling into a gas station.

  “I’ll pay,” I mutter, and step out of the car when it stops.

  I drag my feet into the gas station and am greeted by an overly cheerful clerk. I force a smile and walk to the display cooler. I open it and pull out some water, then I grab a few bags of chips from one of the nearby aisles before going to the counter to pay. Raide’s finished pumping gas by then, so I pay for it all. When I get back out to the car, Raide is back in the seat, but there’s something different about him. His eyes are trained forward, and he’s so stiff, it looks like he might shatter at one touch.

  I get in and shut the door, and before I’m even belted in, he takes off. He’s going fast, and his eyes are fixed on the road. He’s scaring me.

  “Raide?” I whisper. He doesn’t answer me, he just goes faster and faster. “Raide?” I say again, my voice rising.

  Suddenly he slams his foot on the brakes and the car skids to a stop. I have to brace myself so I don’t launch out the windshield. He pulls off the road and gets out, slamming the door so hard, I jump. I get out with shaky legs and see him rounding the car, gun out.

  I skid to a stop.

  “Who are you?”

  I blink. “I don’t know—”

  “Who the fuck are you?” he roars.

  I shake my head, my entire body has begun to tremble. “Raide, I think you’re confused.”

  “Who’s Don?”

  I flinch.

  “And Vance?”

  Another flinch.

  “And fuckin’ Julio?”

  I swallow and step back toward the car.

  “Don’t you fuckin’
move, Grace.”

  Oh. Shit. “Raide,” I try again.

  “Answer the motherfuckin’ question!” he bellows. “Who the fuck are you?”

  “I’m a bounty hunter.”

  His face blanks while his entire body jerks, then something I never wanted to see washes over his features: Hurt. Betrayal. “What?” he rasps.

  I close my eyes and take a shaky breath. “I’m a bounty hunter, Raide. I was assigned to you, but—”

  “Turn around!” he roars.

  “Raide—”

  “Turn around.”

  Tears spill down my cheeks. “You don’t understand, I didn’t want to—”

  “Turn the fuck around!”

  He screams this so loudly, I let out a frightened cry. He’s scaring me. I turn slowly and glance at the compartment in my car where I keep my Taser. I make a quick choice and lunge forward, flipping it open and yanking the gun out. I spin, but Raide’s quicker—he knocks the Taser out of my hands. It goes skidding across the dirt and into the darkness of the trees. I don’t think, I react as I would if this were anyone else.

  I lash out and grip Raide’s wrist, twisting so hard, he’s forced to drop his gun. It clatters to the ground, but Raide is a solid fighter. He doesn’t need a weapon to restrain me. He takes my arm, twisting it behind my back. I cry out in pain but also lash out, thrusting my foot backwards and hitting him so hard, he roars in pain and lets me go. I lunge at him, and we crash to the floor.

  We’re rolling in the dirt, trying to restrain one another. We flip ourselves toward the trees, and Raide manages to pin me on my back. He’s a big man, and even with all my training I’m no match for him. He takes both my hands and shoves them above my head holding them with just one of his. I cry out and buck my body, trying to dislodge him, but it’s pointless. He’s got one over me. He reaches down beside him and comes up with my Taser.

  “No,” I rasp.

  “You fuckin’ lied to me. You betrayed me. You made me fuckin’ care!” he barks.

  “Raide, please!”

  He looks away and his eyes are so full of pain, I want to cry out and hold him close to me. I can’t, though. So, while he’s not looking, I twist my body, releasing one of my hands. I launch it upward, hitting him right in the throat. He falls backwards with a grunt and I get up, turn, and run full-throttle toward my car.