“Please,” he groaned. “Allie, please...no one else...”
Relaxing somewhat, I nodded, watching his face. When he felt my acquiescence, I felt his relief, pooling around me in a denser warmth. Love lived there, a pulling, dense affection, a wanting that now felt more open...not quite trusting, but less afraid.
“Please,” he murmured. “Please don’t ask me to watch that...I can’t handle it, Allie.”
I nodded, swallowing. Meeting his gaze, I said, “What if I didn’t mean me? What if I wanted to watch you with someone, instead?”
His body tensed under me. I felt that fear again, sliding through his light. I felt him trying to read me, felt jealousy wind through me, and realized that was mostly his, too. I showed him what I meant, and he let out a low groan, tensing again, maybe because he couldn’t move.
“Is that what you want?” he said.
I felt my chest tighten. I knew we were trying to be honest, but I honestly wasn’t sure if I really wanted that. I think some part of me was turned on by the idea, but the reality of it would be totally different.
“Just oral?” he asked me, pressing the point.
He really wanted to know.
I felt my skin heat, even as I looked at him. “Would you?”
His pain worsened. “Fuck.” He closed his eyes. I felt him fighting it, feeling a trap in either response, even as his body responded to the idea. Somehow it reassured me that I felt the same conflict on him as I did on me: desire in the abstract but misgivings and wariness around the reality. After another pause, he gave a low gasp.
“Maybe,” he said. He looked up at me, his eyes dense once more, but holding a lot of pain. “Maybe,” he repeated. “...But not now, Allie. Not yet. I don’t want to do that with you yet.”
I nodded. That time, it was me who felt relieved.
I felt the pain in him worsen, even as he felt my reaction to his words. The fact that I’d asked him continued to reverberate somewhere in his light, both threatening him and turning him on. I felt the same push-pull around wanting physical pain and not wanting it, wanting me to control him but fearing the vulnerability...hating the vulnerability almost, since it threw him back into being a child once more, the ward of his uncle.
So we would do it this way first, I thought to myself.
We would evoke the feeling, without fully going there.
I felt him agree, even as his relief grew more intense.
“Allie,” he said. It felt like he wanted to say more, but again, he stopped.
I watched as he fought to pull it back, to control his light. Somehow, it reminded me again of our first night together in that cabin, meaning the first time we’d had sex, when he’d still been unsure about how I saw him. When he’d been afraid of saying the wrong thing, of scaring me.
I’d already felt some of it, though.
Enough to feel some jealousy of my own.
I wasn’t the first girlfriend of his to ask him that question, or who had gotten turned on at the idea of watching Revik with other people. I probably wasn’t even the third, or fourth...or tenth girlfriend with whom he’d had some variation of this conversation.
“Not girlfriend,” he said, fighting my light again, even as he fought with his voice. “...Wife. You’re my wife, Allie...you’re not my fucking girlfriend...”
I looked down at him, meeting his gaze, but I didn’t answer.
I felt his pain worsen as I got up off him, standing over him on the bed, still watching his face, watching his chest heave in uneven breaths through the open shirt. He closed his eyes as he watched me, longer than a blink, but those eyes looked predatory again, flickering between that and frustration as he watched me look at him. His black hair stood up around his head, even as his narrow mouth hardened as he studied my face.
Shit. He was sexy as hell.
I really got what he meant about loving that and hating it at the same time.
Looking at him, it was easy to imagine how others had seen him...how some of them still saw him, especially when I wasn’t around. How Dalejem saw him. I realized I wanted to know more about that, too, but I also didn’t want to know at all.
Still, I couldn’t help feeling like maybe it was finally time for us to get into all of that shit, if only to finally get over it.
As he looked up at me with those colorless, glass-like eyes, all I felt was that want in his light, the pain sliding through his chest as he fought to control himself, to keep from revealing too much to me about what he wanted and why. I’d taken his pants most of the way off, and looking at him now, I had a sudden urge to handcuff him to the bed, the way he had me...only to really do it, as in all four limbs, so he couldn’t move. Maybe start by spending a few hours getting him over his hang-ups around how I gave head since I got back from China.
Then maybe spending a few more convincing him he had to be honest with me, or I would make his life really damned miserable until he was.
Maybe he even heard me, because I felt his pain intensify again.
He let out another low groan, watching me.
Reading me, too, I was reasonably sure, since so much of my light wrapped into his.
“Alyson,” he said, his pain spiraling out at me. “We should go see Lily now,” he said. “Please. Please...I want to go do that now. Please.”
Feeling me tense once I made sense of his words, he met my gaze, tears in his eyes once more. He looked away long enough to wipe his face with the heel of his hand, and I realized only then that I’d released his light, enough that he could move. Probably because he’d mentioned our daughter. Which was a pretty low trick, come to think of it. Even as it ran through my mind, he caught hold of my ankle where I stood over him, coiling his fingers tighter around my flesh and skin. I felt that submissiveness grow stronger in his light.
I felt grief there, too.
“It’s not a trick,” he said, his voice thick. “I want to go see Lily. And then I want you to come back in here with me.” His eyes never left mine as he laid his head back on the pillow, opening his light even more. “Then I want you to stay in here with me for awhile, Allie. Please. I’m asking it of you...please.”
Clicking softly, I smiled humorlessly at him, quirking an eyebrow.
“Awhile?” I said. “What is ‘awhile,’ exactly, Revik?”
He didn’t return my smile.
“Until we have to leave again,” he said.
“Is this another diversion?” I said, frowning. “O King of Diversions?”
“No.” He shook his head. “No. If we start this for real, I won’t want to stop.”
When I didn’t answer right away, he made a vague motion with his free hand before letting it fall back to the bed. His face remained as expressionless as his colorless eyes.
“I want to make love,” he said. “...and I want to fuck. I want to fuck and make love for a really long time, Allie.” His fingers clenched, gripping my ankle tighter when pain coiled off my light at his words. “I’ll let you do anything you want...anything, Allie...but I’m feeling really possessive. More than I want to talk about, to be honest...at least right now. I want to talk, too...but I don’t know if I can until we do the other for awhile.”
Swallowing, he met my gaze.
“I promised Lily. I promised her I’d bring you to her,” he said.
His words hit me in the chest that time, bringing up a different kind of pain. My vision blurred, but I only nodded, looking down at him.
“Okay,” I said.
“...So I want to leave here if we’re going to leave,” he said, still watching my face. “Then I want to come back.”
“Okay,” I said, nodding again.
He still wore the infiltrator’s mask when I met his gaze.
He looked at me directly though, and that time, I could see past it. His voice had held almost nothing, at least nothing I could hear with my ears, but I could feel things in his light, enough to know he was a lot more open than he was pretending.
I felt that deprivation feeling there, too, but it was more than that. I felt the difference in my own light, the parts of me that weren’t connected to him at all yet, or maybe only by a thread. I didn’t fully know what to make of those parts yet, but I could feel the connection between them and what we’d done the night before. I could even feel the connection between those other parts of me and what I’d been saying to him just now.
Whatever he’d done to me was causing me to see new pieces of myself.
Even with all of the rest of it, I felt...different. At least to myself.
I didn’t know what he felt off me.
“Allie,” he said, when I still hadn’t said anything. “I don’t think I can handle you being around anyone else until then. Just Lily...and then just me.” He cleared his throat, still looking at me directly. “...Is that all right?”
I thought about those words, too.
Then I nodded, slowly.
“Yes,” I said, exhaling. “Yes, Revik. That’s all right.”
IT WAS STRANGE leaving the tank that time.
Unlike before, when I could scarcely make sense of who monitored the security station, much less anything they said to Revik or me, this time, I was acutely aware of all of them staring at the two of us, and especially at me. Most of what I felt in those stares was concern mixed with more than a little curiosity, but it still threw me a little, watching them look at us, and stare at Revik where he held my hand, inserting himself between me and the rest of them with an almost open aggression.
No way they wouldn’t have noticed that, given everything.
He shielded my light, too.
It wasn’t a casual shielding, either, like he might have done out of possessiveness, or simply to put some distance between me and other seers in the immediate vicinity. He’d done that kind of thing before, although I couldn’t remember him doing it recently. Really, I couldn’t remember him doing it since before the whole thing had gone down with Cass, meaning before I’d been out of commission for most of the last year.
But this felt different from those times, anyway.
This time, he pretty much blocked my aleimi from view of the construct entirely. He didn’t seem to want anyone near my light at all, apart from him.
When Neela got too close, with us standing a few yards away from her at the security station, Revik used his light to shove her back.
He glared at her, too.
He did it even harder when Deklan ventured too near.
Neela, in particular, watched Revik warily, especially in relation to how he was with me. I saw Deklan watching him, too, if more discreetly, and I overheard him telling Jorag via the comm to stay in the back room, which struck me as wise, given Revik’s current mood. I saw Deklan muttering under his breath a few times even after that, as well, in a way that implied he was talking to someone else via the comm...someone other than Jorag, that is.
I didn’t let myself wonder all that much about who it might be.
Dimly, I figured Wreg, though.
Maybe Balidor...or Jon.
Again, I found myself wondering about the ripple effects from my meltdown, and the fact that I’d more or less taken myself off the grid in the time since. I wondered, too, what kinds of stories were circulating to explain all of that. From what I could tell so far, those stories didn’t seem to be looking very favorably on Revik’s part in all of this.
I had no idea how they viewed me.
Either way, it seemed to take a ridiculously long time for them to get the door open to Lily’s part of the tank. I only half-listened as they told Revik a few things they’d changed in the protocols, and reminded him we couldn’t stay more than two hours, that we couldn’t sleep in there, or actively try to connect with the higher structures in Lily’s light...
I only listened to about half of that.
For some reason, it irritated me more than usual, though.
Especially the part about how I wasn’t supposed to get too close to certain parts of my daughter’s light.
Revik seemed to be listening even less than me, but I could tell he had other things on his mind, and not all of them were about Lily. He had his own light tightly shielded, in addition to mine...and even seemed to be shielding his light from me to a degree. In any case, I couldn’t feel any pain at all on him anymore. Or much else on him, either, for that matter.
Eventually, they got the damned door open.
Once they did, relief flooded my light, even before we were all the way inside the room. I could feel relief on Lily, too, even before she looked up. Once she had, she leapt to her feet from where she’d been sitting on the floor with Kali.
I found myself staring at Kali where she’d been playing with my child, and a sudden dart of fury slid through my light. How had I missed that she was in here? Had Neela and Deklan neglected to mention that detail?
She was here, alone, too...without Uye. Playing mommy, presumably.
I felt Revik notice in some way, enough that his fingers tightened around mine.
She’s Lily’s grandmother, he reminded me softly.
I don’t give a fuck, I muttered back in his mind.
They’ll be leaving soon, he sent, not to be deterred.
Yeah, with our fucking daughter, I sent back, scowling. She’ll get plenty of “grandma” time with her then. Or did you forget?
Revik didn’t answer.
I gave Kali a harder look as she walked past us on her way out of the tank, presumably so Revik and I could be alone with Lily. She smiled at me, and I fought to make my expression polite. I failed though, and ended up dropping Revik’s hand to fold my arms.
Kali scarcely missed a beat, smiling at Revik instead. She put out a hand, as if to touch his arm in passing, but I pushed her light roughly off his.
“You might not want to be doing that...sister,” I warned.
Revik flinched, looking at me in surprise.
Then, as if feeling another something off my light, he moved, seemingly to insert his body between me and my biological mother.
Through all of it, Kali looked only at me, her green eyes widening. I saw the hurt there, but the frown scarcely touched her mouth before she shook her head, pulling her light back in the same set of seconds. She opened her aleimi deliberately then, making it submissive.
“I am sorry, daughter,” she murmured, bowing politely. “My profound apologies.”
I heard the hurt in her words that time, too.
Even so, I still felt myself pulling away from her light, not wanting to feel it. The fact that she got anywhere near Revik right then, given everything, was enough that I had to bite my lip to remain silent. A part of me wanted to tell her to fuck off, but I didn’t do that, either.
In any case, Kali gave Revik a wide berth, aiming her feet deliberately for the oval door. I watched her go, still having to fight back the colder fury that coiled around my light.
Turning to Revik after the door closed behind her, I used my mind to speak to him, even as Lily came up and grabbed hold of my fingers.
She’s not allowed in here again, I sent. Not without my permission.
Revik frowned, glancing behind him towards the door.
He only nodded, once.
I could tell he didn’t agree with me. I could also tell that he didn’t want to argue about it in here, in front of Lily. I also felt him thinking about Uye, and the fact that most of my anger seemed to be irrationally aimed at one parent and not the other.
I found myself biting my lip at that, too.
Lily wasn’t going to tolerate my ignoring her for more than a few seconds, however. She wanted to talk, as soon as she reached us. As soon as she reached me, more to the point. She leaned the whole weight of her body, which now looked around five years old to me, with my human-conditioned eyes, gripping my one hand in both of hers as she started to drag me to the fuzzy chair in the far corner of the room. She looked up at Revik somewhat warily as she did it, and forgetting about Kali, I frowned, following
her gaze up to my husband’s face.
He really did look tired.
“He should take a nap,” Lily announced, pointing him towards the couch.
I burst out in a laugh, in spite of myself. “Really? Should he?”
“He has to be quiet,” she said, her voice bossy in that way only small children’s voices can be bossy. “...My guys are sleeping.”
She pointed to the row of stuffed animals lying on her bed, what she called her “guys” for some inexplicable reason. I nodded, fighting another smile as I glanced back at Revik.
“Because he’s always such a chatterbox,” I murmured.
“He has to sleep!” Lily insisted.
I laughed again, clicking softly as I looked up at Revik.
She wants to talk to you alone, Revik said in my mind, too soft for her to hear. I probably shouldn’t have come in here with you.
Remembering the scene outside the tank, at the security station, and the vibe I’d gotten off Neela more generally, I sent him a pulse of warmth.
It’s fine. Just lie down, like she said. I’ll talk to her.
Lily was still tugging on my hand as Revik walked over to the couch and sat, and then turned, stretching out his long body to lie on his back. Lily watched him carefully, her clear eyes slightly narrowed, as he lay his dark head on one armrest, closing his eyes before stretching out an arm. He lay the arm over his face too, and over his closed eyes.
I felt a satisfied flicker go through Lily’s light, even as she pulled harder on my arm. She brought me to the far corner of the room and indicated with her hand and light that she wanted me to sit first in the green, fuzzy chair. I smiled at the crouching piece of furniture, something I knew Chandre had dug up for Lily after one of our salvage runs in Eastern Canada.
Lily had half the seers on this ship wrapped around her little finger already, even stuck in here. I had to wonder how much worse that would get, once we finally got her out of here. Even as I thought it, I frowned again, staring at my daughter’s light through my own.
I could see everything so clearly all of a sudden.
Allie's War Season Four Page 107