“I know.” I looked at him, blowing warmth at his light. “I know...but I don’t want to fall back asleep. I should go now, while the coffee’s still working.” Smiling at him, I held up the mug. “I can bring some with me, right? I want to begin my brainwashing of Lily early...so she doesn’t inherit your anti-coffee genes.”
Looking up at me, he grunted a little, then smiled.
Something about that smile made my chest relax.
Even so, I felt that harder tension coiling around his light still, along with flickers of guilt, or maybe something closer to uncertainty. We hadn’t talked much the night before, I realized. We’d hardly talked at all, really, despite how different I felt now. Still turning that thought over in my head, I set my mug of coffee down on the tray, then carefully picked up the whole tray and placed it carefully on the floor.
I felt him watch me do it.
Once I had it down there, more or less level, I turned around from where I’d been lying, flipping over to my other side. Leaning on him, I started massaging his chest, right in the middle, where mine had been hurting the night before, at least until he did...whatever it was that he did. He closed his eyes as I continued to touch him, sinking back onto the bed.
I found myself sending light through my fingers, warming him, once I felt that fear in him more intensely. Biting my lip as I looked at him, I said it anyway.
“Turn over,” I said.
He tensed, looking up at me.
“Please,” I said. “Just let me see.”
I felt that fear on him worsen, but he did as I asked, sitting up.
Without my asking specifically that time, he reached up to his collar, pulling the shirt he wore up over his head. Tossing it to the floor, he rolled over and lay on his stomach. I felt pain on him again, but more than that, a denser grief. He lay there like he was expecting me to hurt him for real, although probably not with my hands, or any other part of my body.
I looked at the marks on his back, visible even with the scars there.
I could tell they’d already faded, more than I would have thought from just a few days. I traced them with my fingers anyway, lightly at first. Then I moved closer to him, and touched him more deliberately, fighting to wrap my head around him, around the night before maybe, too. He didn’t wince as I touched him. He didn’t move at all.
“What did she use?” I asked finally.
“A belt,” he said, his voice flat.
“Yours?”
“Yes.”
“Did you lie on her bed?”
There was a pause, then he shook his head. “No. I sat. In a chair.”
I nodded to that, too, swallowing. “You don’t want to show me?”
I felt that fear on him worsen. He didn’t answer, but I clicked at him, shaking my head. “Forget it. I––”
“I’ll show you, Allie,” he cut in. “I’ll show you anything you want.”
I fought to think if I wanted to do that, given the fear I could still feel on him. It felt wrong somehow, when he wasn’t freely offering it.
“I am, though,” he said, softer. “I am freely offering it, Allie.”
I shook my head. “No,” I said. “No, you’re not. You’re offering it because you’re afraid to say no. That’s not the same thing.”
There was another silence. I bit my lip, not wanting to ask it, but needing to, somehow.
“Revik,” I said. “Just tell me. Please. Tell me the truth. Am I not enough for you?”
There was a silence.
Then pain slammed my light. It shocked me, hitting into me so intensely it disoriented me, even as he let out a low, forced gasp. The gasp seemed to actually hurt him, even as it curled him into himself where he lay. It took me a few seconds to realize he was crying, that what I’d heard was him trying to suppress it. Fear expanded off him, off of his light, along with a grief that cut my breath...and so much of that pain I could barely think past it.
It wasn’t separation pain that time. Not even close.
Without thinking, I wrapped myself around him, coiling my arm around his chest after I shoved it under his body.
“I’m sorry,” I murmured into his neck. “I’m sorry for asking that.”
He only shook his head, but the pain in his light worsened.
I let him cry, for what must have been a few minutes. I didn’t try to talk to him again, or to read him. I just held him, breathing warmth into his skin. As I did, I realized I didn’t need to see it. I didn’t need to know the details of why he’d gone to Ullysa. I could feel it on him, even now. I knew what this was about...what it was always about with him.
It wasn’t because he didn’t love me. It wasn’t even because he needed to be with other women...or men, for that matter.
It was about being left alone. It was about what happened last year.
“Yes,” he said, his voice gruff, still thick. “Yes.”
Gripping him tighter, I nodded. When he opened his light more, merging himself into me, I sighed, resting my chin on his back, rubbing his shoulder with my fingers.
“Then why don’t you want me to see it?” I said finally.
He caught hold of my hand, bringing it down to press it flat against his chest, so that he lay on my palm and fingers. He exhaled again, and I felt him crying still, if silently now. Even so, I felt other things in his light, things he might have meant for me to see...or might not have.
After another pause, more pain slid through my light, too.
“Dalejem,” I said, quieter.
He shook his head, vehement that time, almost angry. “Not like that,” he said, his voice harsh. “Not like that, Allie...gods...”
“Then how?” I said, keeping my voice low with an effort.
Revik exhaled, opening his light to me more.
“He left me,” he said finally. “He just fucking left me.”
I lay next to him, gripping his fingers where he held my hand, and I turned over his words. I could feel what he meant. I could feel what he was telling me, too.
We lay there, silent, for what felt like a long time.
Somewhere in that, I felt heat begin to wind through my light.
Before I’d consciously made up my mind, that harder pulse of light flared brighter around my form, infusing my aleimi, even as my mind continued to toy with his words. My throat tightened as that heat built in my chest, making it harder to breathe, but not suffocating me, the way it had been when I was suppressing everything I felt. My eyes ignited in that same set of seconds, blinding me with their pale-green glow.
I’d been working on the telekinesis a lot over the past few months. According to Revik, my control had gotten a lot better, too, ever since I’d done that whole die and rebirth thing. I’d promised him I wouldn’t do this angry, though.
I tried to decide if I felt anger towards him, even now.
After another long-feeling pause, I decided I didn’t.
Anger wasn’t the emotion I was feeling, no.
I had ahold of his body with my light in the same set of seconds. I heard him let out a surprised breath of air, felt another surge of grief off his light, along with a burst of near-fear...but I already had him wrapped in my aleimi.
I scarcely made the image real in my head, when I shoved him roughly with my light, turning him to his back...then pinning him to the mattress.
Holding him there, I slid my bare leg around him, watching his face.
I saw confusion slide over his features, a flicker of fear, even as it crossed my mind that time had slowed, that I’d done the whole thing a lot faster than it felt inside my head.
Without waiting for him to react, I crawled the rest of the way on top of him.
Settling my weight, I sat astride him roughly in the area just below his ribs, just above his waist. Looking down at his face, I saw his expression shift, turning harder, almost predatory, even as he let out a low sound, from deep in his chest. I’d already managed to turn him on. Even now. Even with everything else.
H
e fought me briefly, testing my hold on him, maybe, and I could feel him in that, too, more than usual...more than I’d felt him since all of that shit went down in New York. I could feel my light had changed from the night before, but his felt different, too. I didn’t know if that was from me or from my being gone for a few days...or from Ullysa.
The thought of that last hardened my jaw all over again, though.
When I continued to hold him down, I felt him lose control over his light.
It happened so fast, I doubted my perceptions at first.
But he really did lose control, pretty much complete control, and faster than I’d ever seen it happen...maybe more completely than I’d ever seen it happen, too. He tried to fight me again. I felt that burst of intensity out of his light worsen, even as he let out another groan. Somewhere, high above my head, I felt him struggling against my light, but this time, unlike in previous times with us playing this particular game, he went all out, fighting me with every ounce of his strength. I just held him there, watching his face as he tried to circumvent my light...and as he realized that he couldn’t.
After a few more seconds, his light started to open. I felt him start to surrender and my pain worsened, even as I felt another flush of his fear mixed with want.
“Allie,” he said, his voice pleading that time. “Gods...”
“Are you going to fucking obey me from now on?” I asked him.
My voice came out strangely clear, stripped of emotion.
I felt him get hard...like, really fucking hard. I felt it through his light, almost tangibly, even though I hadn’t moved down far enough to feel it with my body.
“Yes,” he gasped.
“Are you going to forgive me for leaving you?” I said, hearing my voice turn gruffer. My throat closed, and my vision blurred, but I didn’t move my eyes off his. “I don’t mean just the last few days. I mean before. When you were in San Francisco.” Seeing understanding in his eyes, I bit my tongue, right before my voice grew colder. “Are you going to try and trust me again, Revik? Or are you going to keep pushing me away?”
There was another silence.
I felt pain on him that time...separation pain, but other kinds of pain, too.
I felt him thinking about my words, wanting to argue with me, maybe even pick a fight about what I’d said. I got glimpses of those months where he’d been alone, and the pain behind that, the parts of him that still hadn’t forgiven me for putting him through it...and that didn’t much care if it had been my fault or not. I felt something stronger there, too, a realization around my words, as if they’d finally hit him in a way that meant something to him...or maybe in a way that allowed him to see what they meant to me.
I felt him realize part of what he’d done with Ullysa, too. I felt the revenge there, the anger, even if it was now wrapped into a denser guilt.
That final emotion ended up winning out.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“I don’t give a fuck about sorry,” I warned him, my voice still bordering on cold, despite the tears running down my face. “I want to know you’re going to try. We have to learn to trust each other again, Revik...” I felt my jaw harden, even as tears once more blinded me. “No more going behind each other’s backs. No more lying...no more ‘handling’ each other...” Realizing I was talking to myself as much as him, I felt my jaw clench more. “...I’ll go see Yumi, too. I’ll do whatever you want me to do. But we’re not going to do this. I don’t want a marriage like this. I don’t want Lily to see us doing this to each other. Power tripping with each other...getting each other off instead of really being together...”
When I could see again, I saw a denser understanding in his eyes.
He nodded once he saw me looking at him, and his pain worsened.
That time, it felt mostly like separation pain, but I still felt flickers of the other, of what I’d picked up on as he remembered his time in San Francisco. Even as I thought it, he closed his eyes, fighting to move his body under me, but not really succeeding.
I felt his muscles soften, even as he let out a low groan.
“Gods, Allie...” He fell silent. I felt him fighting what he wanted to say.
“What?” I said, my voice harder again. “Do you want me to hit you? What do you want, Revik? I need you to fucking tell me...”
He shook his head.
His pain flared at my words though, and I found myself watching his face, seeing the conflict in his expression. Something I could see there brought my own separation pain back in a heated flood. Rather than asking him again, I slid down his body, half climbing down him so that I could balance on his thighs. He gave a low groan when I started unhooking his belt, but he could still only lie there, looking up at the ceiling, his eyes half-lidded as he fought to move under me again.
I felt that fear slide through him again, even as he let out another groan.
I had my mouth on him then, and he lay there, breathing hard, exhaling in a series of softer groans. I stopped long enough to tug his pants further down his legs, but I still hadn’t let go of any part of his light. When I sat up enough for him to focus on my face, his eyes had changed again...turning not soft but even more predatory. I felt pain ripple through his light, that time accompanied by images, by a flood of information he no longer seemed to be controlling at all. I bit my lip as I read it off his light, jealous still, but more turned on than jealous at that point.
He’d heard me about making love, too. I could feel it.
I also realized this wasn’t going to be soft, any more than the night before had been soft, but maybe he wouldn’t be performing, either.
Maybe he wouldn’t be lying to me.
He continued showing me things, even as the thought skirted through my mind, things I imagined that he’d done that had turned him on...I couldn’t even tell how much it was memory at that point, versus pure fantasy or some combination. He seemed unable to control it, whatever it was, like I’d unleashed a kind of involuntary confession caused by what I was doing to his light, or maybe what had finally broken open between us the night before.
I could see my face there, too, even memories with me that couldn’t be memories.
I slid my light deeper into his, pulling on him, winding into structures I found until he let out another groan, showing me more, even as he fought to move under me. I saw Dalejem in one of those and slapped him, hard on the chest, doing it before I knew I meant to, but that only turned him on more. I put more light into my tongue and lips as I went back to working over his cock, and his light spiraled out of control, even as he began talking to me, using some language I didn’t know. He broke out in thickly accented English a few seconds later, although he remained barely coherent, even when I could make out his words.
“Allie...gods...Allie, please. Please...please...”
He couldn’t seem to find more words, although I felt him struggle with it briefly, trying to speak. I kept my mouth on him and he groaned again, fighting to move, to reach for me, even as he spoke to me in what sounded like Russian. He switched back to English, but I couldn’t tell how aware he was at that point. His eyes looked glassed.
“Allie...don’t leave me again. Please...” He let out another gasp, still unable to move. “Gods, Allie. Allie...please. Remember that first time? Remember?”
I felt a flicker of real memory that time, and instantly knew what he meant.
I found myself seeing it again, too. I remembered him in front of that fireplace in the Himalayas, and pain caught in my throat and chest. He’d begged me to put my mouth on him, not long after we’d started to get weird from sex...so maybe after the second or third time. He begged me, even though I’d been the one to offer it, but once I started he kept stopping me, too. He’d been half out of his head, arranging his body and mine so he could watch me, telling me how long he’d fantasized about me doing that to him...stopping me so he could fuck me before begging me to do it again. He lost control somewhere in that, maybe for rea
l, maybe for the first time. He’d lost control and it remained lost for hours.
Looking at him now, remembering, I realized he’d gotten off more on watching me than from the actual sensations.
“I remember,” I murmured, kissing him just below his navel.
“I love you,” he said. “Allie...I adore you. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry...about what I did. I know I’ve been blaming you...”
I shook my head. “I don’t want you to be sorry.”
“Please,” he begged. “Please...promise me. Promise me you won’t leave again. You don’t have to do this....we don’t have to do any of this. No matter what happens with us, I won’t go near anyone else again...I swear to the gods, Allie...just don’t leave me...”
Ignoring his words, I started again, and he let out another groan, fighting to say more.
I didn’t need him to, though.
I didn’t want his goddamned guilt. Anyway, I wasn’t doing this to humor him.
I wasn’t servicing him, either.
I shoved the images of what Ditrini had done to me out of my mind, even as I felt Revik react more violently with his light. Jealousy snaked through him in intense waves, although I could tell he knew he’d pushed me into seeing those images in the first place. I understood Revik’s feelings there, at least, the warring impulses and wanting and anger and where most of it came from. His jealousy overpowered me briefly, even as more of those images hit at my aleimi. I could feel which images he reacted to the most, though.
Pausing, I focused back on his face, making my voice toneless.
“Do you want me to bring someone else in here?” I said.
His pain worsened. I felt him trying to control it, felt the fear woven in, along with a denser jealousy.
“No,” he said.
“You don’t? Don’t bullshit me, Revik.”
“No. No, Allie...”
“What if I told you I wanted that?” I said.
Conflict rippled once more through his light. I felt him fighting me openly again. Fear seemed to drive it that time, but the fear had so much pain in it, I let out an involuntary gasp, sliding my fingers into his hair. After a few more minutes of massaging him, he lay almost still once more, gasping out each breath, his light pulling on mine, asking me...
Allie's War Season Four Page 106