All It Takes

by Clare Dugmore

  My gaze bounced from Mum to Dad to Marie as I took in the meaning of their words, and I felt my blood boil.

  “Enough already! I came here to tell you I’m about to be a father, and all I get in return is abuse, accusations the women I choose to sleep with are nothing but whores, and the lot of you talking over me like I’m not even in the room! I don’t get any congratulations, or reassurance I’ll make a good dad, or advice on how I’m going to cope. No, it’s just the same old shit as every time I make a mistake. Only for once, I’m actually trying to take responsibility for my actions. I’ve had e-fucking-nough. I’m going home. I’ll call you all when I’m back at work, and then maybe we can have a normal conversation.”

  I stormed from my parents’ house and got into my car.

  I was still fuming by the time I reached my apartment, and I sank down onto the leather sofa, my head dropping into my hands.

  I’d had my own doubts about Megan and the baby, wondering if it really was mine or if she was just using me for my money. I knew I couldn’t take the risk Megan was lying, and before I committed myself to raising a child that might not even be mine, I had to be one-hundred percent sure of all the facts.

  My jaw clenched as I realised my dad was probably right. Asking for a paternity test was probably the best thing I could do. Even if Megan did get pissed off with me, hopefully it wouldn’t last long, and then I’d know the truth. And get my parents off my back.

  Yeah. That’ll show ‘em.

  I felt bad for having to put Megan through this, but it was the only way it could be done. If the paternity test came back positive, I’d keep my promise.

  But until then, I couldn’t risk getting involved. I just hoped she’d understand my reasons and agree to it.

  When my phone rang and the caller ID told me it was Megan, I knew there was no ignoring her call. My mind wouldn’t rest until I’d at least made the suggestion, so there was no point putting it off.

  “Hey,” she said, her voice just as tense as the last time she’d phoned me. “I was just wondering how you got on telling your parents.”

  I fell silent, trying to think of the best way to say I wanted a paternity test. Finally, I let out a deep breath. “Listen, Megan. I’ve been doing some thinking since we talked last. I still stand by what I said about supporting you, but there’s a few things I need to get off my chest. I think it might be best for both of us, and the baby, if we do a paternity test as soon as possible.”

  On the other end of the line was a deafening silence, and I knew what Megan’s initial reaction to my suggestion was.

  I’d hurt her.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  I blinked rapidly as a cold feeling settled in my chest. Had I heard correctly? The tingling in my chest was replaced by heat flashing through my body as my heart pounded.

  I took a deep breath and let it out slowly before carefully controlling the tone of my voice.

  “You know what, Kian? Forget it. If you want to be an arsehole and question whether this baby is yours or not, then you can get stuffed. I’ll just raise the baby on my own, and you can be done with it. There. Are you happy now? Problem solved.”

  I ended the call, switched my phone off, threw it on the floor, and then buried my head in the nearest cushion. My eyes burned as tears threatened to spill.

  Damn hormones.

  I lay in silence as the flat around me darkened and evening drew in. Eventually, nature got the better of me, and I got up to use the loo. Wiping the mascara-tinted tracks from my cheeks, I gulped down a glass of water and walked to the kitchen. Wrapping my arms around myself, I peered into the cupboards, hoping they’d have the answers to the millions of questions swirling around in my head. They didn’t, but I did find a packet of chocolate-covered Digestive biscuits. I made myself a cuppa and went back to the living room with it and the biscuits, switching the TV on before settling on the sofa. Hopefully an evening of watching mindless crap on telly would take my mind off what Kian had said. I didn’t want to keep replaying his words in my head. The tone of his voice made my body feel empty and cold.

  The distraction worked for a little while, but when it was time for bed, the conversation repeated in a loop, like a CD skipping.

  I’ll just raise the baby on my own, and you can be done with it.

  Could I really do that? I knew plenty of women had babies without partners, and I had my parents to help, but was it enough? I didn’t know the first thing about babies, but that hadn’t mattered when it was Kian and me doing it together. We were both new at this and could teach each other along the way. When we went to the doctors, he’d been so concerned about making sure I didn’t eat anything that could harm the baby.

  A tear leaked down my cheek, and I wiped it away furiously. I’d let him get to me…

  The week dragged on at an agonizing pace, and even with the distractions of work and uni, my thoughts kept drifting back to the last time Kian and I had spoken. By Friday morning, I wanted nothing more than to pull the quilt over my head and hide from the world. Too bad I had uni.

  I arrived on campus half an hour before my first lecture to find Stacey pulling into the parking space adjacent to me.

  “Hey,” she said, smiling broadly as she locked the car. “Fancy grabbing a coffee before class? It feels like ages since I’ve seen you.”

  In reality, it’d been about a week, but in Stacey’s world, that was forever. “Sure.”

  I hadn’t intentionally been avoiding my best friend, but I wasn’t ready to come clean about that revelation just yet. It’d cause too many awkward questions. For starters, I hadn’t even told Stacey about me and Kian sleeping together. Knowing he was friends with Josh, I figured if she found out I’d slept with her new boyfriend’s training buddy, she’d try and set us up or something, and I didn’t want to make things weird. Then I’d missed my period and started questioning if I could be pregnant, and decided I shouldn’t say anything at all until I was sure and had spoken to Kian about it.

  After ordering what the campus canteen claimed were ‘low-fat’ lattes, we settled at an available table. Stacey peered at me over the rim of her mug with a mischievous grin on her face that told me she was up to something.

  “Josh is taking me out for dinner tonight with some of his training buddies. You should come.”

  “I don’t know, Stacey. I’m kind of tired and just want to spend the weekend resting before a new week starts.” It was half true, but my real worry was that Kian would be there. I just couldn’t tell her that.

  “Oh, come on. You haven’t been out for so long.”

  Yeah, because I’m really going to be a bundle of laughs when I have to stick to orange juice.

  Again, not something I could admit to Stacey, and I was fast running out of excuses.

  “I dunno. I’ve got nothing to wear, and I’m taking these tablets which means I can’t drink.”

  “You could act as the designated driver.” She batted her eyelashes in that way she did, and I knew I was losing the fight.

  “Great. So you want me to come just so you’ve got a ride home later?” The tone of my voice came out harder than I’d intended.

  Stacey blinked. “Meg, chill. I was only joking. I want you to come because you’re my best friend, and I want you to get to know Josh now we’re seeing each other.”

  “I know, and I’m sorry, it’s just-” I could feel the tears stinging the back of my eyes, and I took a swig of my drink to stop myself from crying. I opened my mouth to speak and then wondered what exactly I should tell her. Should I mention the pregnancy? How about the phone call with Kian?

  I knew I’d have to tell her about the baby eventually, but I wasn’t sure I could face telling her I’d slept with Kian and going into how he’d reacted, yet. So, instead of saying anything, I sat there gaping at her.

  “Are you all right?”

  “Yes … no … I don’t know.”

  “Listen. I know I’ve been distracted recently, but I’m always here for you
. You can tell me anything, you know that, right?”

  I looked up from my drink and smiled. No matter how boy-crazy Stacey got, I knew I could always count on her. I had to tell her.

  “Everything is such a mess. Graduation is getting closer, and I still haven’t found a design job. My savings aren’t as much as I’d hoped, and-” I paused, wondering if I should go on. My words to Kian the previous night echoed in my mind. I’ll just raise the baby on my own, and you can be done with it. “And I’ve got to do everything by myself. It’s too much.” The tears started falling no matter how hard I willed them not to.

  “Hey, hey. What’s up? Graduating is freaking me out too, but this isn’t like you, Meg. You’re the strong one. Has something happened?” Her voice was tight, and her eyes darted back and forth.

  “Stace, I’ve messed up, bad, and I don’t know if I’ve done the right thing. I don’t know if I’m ready.”

  “Ready to graduate? Of course you are. Is this about not having a job yet? Because something will turn up.”

  “It’s more than that. It’s … I’m … I’m pregnant.”

  Stacey’s head jerked up as her gaze zeroed in on me. “Holy shit. How? When?”

  “I’m quite sure you don’t need the how, and I’m almost twelve weeks along.”

  “But you’re not even seeing anyone. Wait, do you have a secret boyfriend you haven’t told me about?”

  “No. It was a one-night thing. A mistake. The father isn’t in the picture.”

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa. You told him?”

  “Yeah, and he said he wants nothing to do with me or the baby.”

  As soon as the lie left my mouth, I felt guilty. But it was easier this way. If I told Stacey any more details, she’d hound me until she got the full story. I didn’t want to go there, especially as Josh and Kian were training buddies. I figured, since our last argument, he probably wasn’t going to be in the baby’s life much anyway, and hoped that he didn’t tell Josh about it.

  “Tosser,” Stacey said vehemently. “Want me to kick his ass?”

  I laughed through the tears, at not only Stacey’s offer, but imagining her trying to beat Kian up. Stacey was tall and slender, but even in heels, she’d be no match for a cage fighter.

  “Do your parents know?”

  “Yeah, I’ve told them. Mum was shocked at first, but she’s come round. Dad’s over the moon.”

  “That’s great they’re supporting you, and you know I’ll help in any way I can.”

  “Thanks, but what if it’s not enough? What if I’m not a good mum?”

  “You’ll be a great mum.”

  “That’s easy for you to say. You haven’t got someone else’s life in your hands. I’m scared, Stace. What if I mess this up? There’s no undo button with a baby. And don’t even get me started on how I’m going to afford it.” Now that I’d uncorked my worries, they didn’t want to stop, and I spilled out almost everything that’d kept me awake the night before. “Do you know how much stuff a baby needs? There’s clothes, and nappies, a cot, and a pushchair. Then I’ll have to decide if I’m going to breastfeed or not. Not to mention writing a birthing plan. And that’s just in the first few months.”

  Stacey stood up from the table and came around to my side so she was standing behind me. She wrapped her arms around me, and rested her chin on my head. “It’ll be okay. We’ll figure all this out.”

  “What would I do without you?” I sniffled and wiped my eyes on my sleeves. “I guess I’m a little over-emotional today. I didn’t sleep well last night.”

  “Why don’t you head home? I’ll cover for you.”

  “Yeah, I think I might. Thanks.”

  “Anytime, honey. You know that.” Stacey returned to her seat as I finished off my drink and slipped my jacket on. “Want me to come round later with some ice-cream and a movie?”

  “I thought you had plans with Josh.”

  “Josh-smosh. You’re more important.”

  “But you said you wanted me to meet him.”

  “I do, but right now you need some BFF time.”

  I considered Stacey’s offer and realised if I took her up on it, we’d probably spend all night talking about the baby. Maybe what I needed was a distraction. A night away from my worries. It had been a while since I’d had a night out, and once the baby was born, there would be even less chance of me getting away for a few hours. Plus, I couldn’t deny the fact that it really would be nice to have a break from everything, and to be able to just kick back, relax, and have a good time.

  “Actually, what I need is not to think about all this for a while. I’ll come out for a meal with you.”

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  When Stacey went to class, I made my way home, determined to get my head sorted out before that evening so I could enjoy hanging out for a few hours.

  Now I was nearing the end of the first trimester, the morning sickness had begun to ease off, and I found myself feeling more energetic. I spent the day making sure I was up to date with uni work, and called the café to see if I could get a couple of extra shifts to bolster my savings.

  My original plan had been to travel Europe on a backpacking trip when I graduated, but that was out of the question now. Oddly, the thought didn’t bother me too much. I knew I’d travel eventually, only it would be with my kid, and that thought filled me with excitement. I imagined all the sights I could show the little one and the amazing experiences we could share.

  I also started hunting for a new job, acutely aware my time at uni would soon be up. While there was nothing on offer in terms of design work, I did manage to secure a couple of interviews for waitressing positions. I wondered if I’d even get accepted for any of these positions once they knew I was pregnant.

  After lunch, I began making a list of all the things I needed for the baby. I figured if I had everything laid out in front of me, that’d help me budget my savings better. As the list of things piled up, I realised my flat just wasn’t big enough. There wasn’t any question about remaining in the West Midlands, especially now Kian wouldn’t be involved, and I wanted to remain close to my parents. I browsed the local estate agent’s website and bookmarked four prospective properties to rent in the area Mum and Dad lived, the most promising of which was just a few streets from their house.

  That evening, when I arrived at Stacey’s, she made us both a drink - cocktails and their virgin counterparts - while I sorted through the clothes I’d brought with me, and we began getting ready. When I stepped out of the bathroom wearing a sage green diamanté encrusted top, dark boot-cut cords, and a pair of kitten heel sling-backs, Stacey beamed at me.

  “I know everyone says pregnant women glow, but honestly, babe, you really do look beautiful.”

  “Thanks,” I replied with a smile of my own as I appraised Stacey’s outfit. “So do you. You’re going to knock Josh’s socks off in that dress.”

  She was wearing a zebra print mini dress, which complimented her tanned complexion perfectly, and was accessorised with a bright pink waist cinching belt, and matching skyscraper heels.

  With a grin, Stacey applied a coat of lip gloss, and then said, “I hope so. It feels like forever since we last saw each other.”

  Finally ready, we grabbed our jackets and handbags before heading to my car and driving across the city to the restaurant where we were meeting Josh and his friends. As we entered, adrenaline rushed through my body, causing a tingling sensation in my arms and legs. This was the first time since finding out I was pregnant that I’d been on a night out, and the chance to socialise made my heart race. We made our way across the crowded restaurant to where Josh sat with a group of friends.

  The prospect of Kian being there flashed through my mind, so I scanned the area for him. Thankfully, I didn’t spot him, and instead my gaze fell on a tanned dark-haired man, who was chatting animatedly to the woman sitting next to him. He looked strangely familiar, but I couldn’t place where I’d seen him before.

  In
troductions were made, and as I sat down beside Stacey, who had Josh to her left, it was then that the familiar-looking guy spoke to me.

  “Hello. I’m Davi, and this is my wife Emilia.” He paused, and both of them looked at me curiously for a moment. “Good to meet you.”

  “You too,” I said, flashing them a smile while trying to place why I recognised his name.

  We chatted happily about trivial things like work, the music playing in the background, and what looked good from the menu.

  I was just starting to feel at ease when I smelt aftershave so familiar it made my palms sweat, and I almost dropped my glass of orange juice. I’d recognise that aroma anywhere, and I swivelled in my chair to see Kian approaching.

  “Sorry I took so long, guys. The traffic was hell,” he said, not even noticing I was there.

  Everyone said it was fine and that we hadn’t ordered yet, but that didn’t stop me from noticing the glance Davi shot at Kian, or the way Emilia looked at me, as though expecting me to start screaming at any second. Kian still didn’t acknowledge my presence, and it wasn’t until he finally sat down that he made eye contact with me. As his piercing blue eyes locked with mine, my heart raced, and despite everything I’d thought and said about him since our last conversation, my knees went weak. It was one thing to hate his guts when he was miles away and on the other end of a phone. But being faced with the reality was much different.

  Trying to pretend he wasn’t there, I turned and joined in the conversation Stacey and Josh were having about how uni was going, all the while still aware of Kian’s eyes boring into me. When we’d last spoken, we’d both made it perfectly clear where we stood. I wasn’t about to back down and give in to his request for a paternity test simply because he was the baby’s father, and I assumed he wouldn’t speak to me again until he got his own way. We were at a stalemate, both of us too convinced the other was wrong to resolve the situation.