Beyond What is Given

by Rebecca Yarros

  I folded myself into the front seat and slid it back. “Is your boyfriend a shrimp or something?”

  She rolled her eyes at me. “No boyfriend.”

  “Maybe that’s why you’re so incredibly pleasant.” I raised my eyebrows at her, and she flipped me off.

  Mia burst into giggles as we left the parking lot, pulling out onto 64 and heading off Roanoke Island. The traffic backed up once we crossed the bridge into Nags Head, and Parker cursed, “Fucking tourists.”

  “Watch your mouth around Mia.”

  “I’m eighteen, Gray. It’s not like I haven’t heard the word ‘fuck,’ or even said it a few times. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. See?” Mia stuck her tongue out. That girl was going to give a guy a run for his money one day. She’d love Sam.

  I shut that thought down pronto. There was never going to be a reason for Mia to meet Sam.

  “Well, you still act thirteen, so let’s hold off on the swearing. Especially around Mom. Unless you’d like to put on a show, in which case, I want to be there.” I rolled down the window and took a deep breath of the ocean air. This, I missed. Everything else? Not so much.

  “It’s not like I have a death wish.” Mia laughed, poking me in the shoulder as I took my phone off airplane mode.

  A text came through.

  Unknown: Hey, where do you keep the cumin?

  My eyebrows hit the roof.

  Grayson: Who is this?

  Unknown: Oh, come on. Like Josh or Jagger even know what cumin is?

  A corner of my mouth lifted. Samantha. I entered her as the contact on the number, whispering her name as I spelled it out on the keyboard.

  Grayson: What have you done with my kitchen?

  Samantha: Wrecked it. There’s batter dripping from the light fixture.

  I full-on snorted.

  Grayson: Top shelf to the left of where we used to keep the coffee. Please be careful when you get it down. I’m not there to catch you this time.

  My hands itched, remembering all too well the feel of her curves in my arms when she’d fallen, the way her gaze had dropped to my lips. Damn. Even a thousand miles away, I felt tethered to her by an attraction that only burned hotter the more time we spent together…the longer we lived together. Knowing Sam existed would be enough, but living with her heightened everything, like reverse immersion therapy or something.

  Samantha: Then stop putting things where I can’t reach them.

  “Smartass,” I muttered.

  “Holy shit, is that…” Parker’s head whipped back to the road. “Is that a smile?”

  “What’s different about you? You almost seem…happy?” Mia added in.

  Happy? Everything in me locked down, like I’d been caught stealing, or worse…cheating. Sam’s face flashed through my mind, the way she’d fit perfectly against me on the bathroom floor, the softness of her skin setting fire to mine, and the scent of vanilla. That was ludicrous. Yes, I had…something for Sam, but it could hardly be considered cheating, right? I rolled up the window and focused on blinking brake lights as we crawled through the Memorial Day influx of tourists. “Nothing’s different.”

  “Who’s Samantha?” Mia prodded, digging in.

  “No one you need to worry about, imp. Just one of my roommates.” I regretted the words the moment they were out of my mouth.

  “You live with a girl? Is she pretty? Nice?” Mia leaned forward so her head was between mine and Parker’s.

  My jaw flexed as I gritted my teeth. “Yes, yes, and yes.”

  “Does that mean—”

  “It means nothing, Mia. She’s just a roommate.” Keep telling yourself that.

  Parker shot me a sideways look but didn’t poke. “You want to go home and grab your car?”

  I nodded, itching to feel the wheel of my 66 ½ Mustang under my fingers. Mia filled the silence with details of her senior prom last weekend, from the dress to the corsage to the bullshit I didn’t care about but pretended to because she was my baby sister.

  We pulled into the driveway as the sun started to set behind the house. “Thanks for the ride, Parker.” I grabbed my bag and tossed it into the passenger seat of my car, noting that it hadn’t been locked.

  “Have you been driving my car?” I asked as Mia swung around one of the support stilts that raised our house off the sand.

  “Headed to see Grace?” she asked, dodging.

  “Uh huh. You wreck it, I wreck you. I don’t care how cute you are.” I raised my eyebrows. Yeah, she was definitely not getting near Sam. Those two could rule the world.

  “Have fun!” She blew a kiss at me and flounced up the stairs. Something told me I was going to be killing off a few boys at UNC next year. “She’ll be happy to see you!” she called back over her shoulder before I started the ignition. She purred to life.

  Gravel crunched under the tires as I pulled out of the driveway. Happy? Of all the things Grace was…happy to see me wasn’t going to be one of them. I let go of that dream years ago. Or at least tried to, but no matter how dead my hopes were, there was one impossible-to-kill kernel of faith that burned brighter than the darkness. It was that faith that kept me coming home to her.

  But even that flame was fading, and I hated myself for it.

  I fiddled with the radio, switching between the local stations as traffic moved at a snail’s pace until I reached Grace’s. Parking, I took a deep breath and curved the brim of my hat before heading in.

  “Grayson!” Her mom greeted me at the door, her blond hair perfectly styled, leaning up to hug me. “We’ve sure missed you. I know your visit is just what she needs.”

  “How is she?” I asked, more out of habit than anything.

  “She misses you, I can tell. She always perks up when you’re here. Parker’s been by a bunch, but it’s not the same.”

  Parker has been here? “Yes, ma’am, well, if you don’t mind, I’d love to see her.”

  “Of course! Why don’t you head on up?”

  I took the familiar stairs two at a time, a thousand memories of my childhood assaulting me. How could they not? I’d basically grown up in this house with my best friend. Grace, me…and Owen. Asshole.

  I knocked on Grace’s bedroom door and pushed it open.

  She sat, half reclined in bed, watching something on television, her blonde hair draped around her shoulders, and my chest tightened. She was still pretty, but that beauty that had always shone through had dimmed. I imagined her smile, how she’d turn to me with her eyes lit up, arms outstretched, but that wasn’t going to happen. Her bed depressed under my weight as I sat next to her and brushed my lips across the smooth skin of her forehead, inhaling her lavender shampoo’s scent. Her brown eyes were open, but she didn’t so much as look my way.

  “Hey baby, I’m home.”

  Chapter Eight

  Sam

  “It’s not as bad as it sounds, Mom.” I forced a smile for her benefit. Because seriously, what was she going to do from Afghanistan? Hug me?

  “Oh really?” Her voice sounded shrill even from six-thousand miles away. She ran her hands over her face and sighed. I saw exhaustion clearly cut into her features, from the weight she’d lost in her face to the circles under her eyes.

  There was no way in hell I was going to add to the stress she was under, no matter how many of my buttons she pushed.

  “Really. It’s not like Jagger is charging me rent—”

  “No. I’ve told you before you’re not going to let some guy take care of you financially. I expect you to stand on your own, Sam.”

  “And I will. I am. I actually got a job last week at a gym—”

  “You what?” she whispered in her I’m-going-to-kill-you-when-I-get-my-hands-on-you voice.

  Air whistled through my teeth as I sucked it in slowly to maintain control. Mom was the perfect officer, steadfast, loyal, smart. But all those qualities that propelled her forward in her uniform sometimes came at a cost, and right now it was compassion in my general direction. “It’s a good job,
Mom, mostly admin. It’s not my life’s ambition or anything, but it will hold me over and pay bills while I find my feet.”

  “Find them. Now. Because whatever you’re doing is completely unacceptable. You’ve been kicked out of college, can’t seem to find another one to accept you, and now you’re shacked up with three men. I honestly don’t know how this all happened in the last six months. I didn’t bust my ass raising you alone to have you do…whatever it is you’re doing!”

  Six months, is that all it had been? Six months since she found out I’d been expelled, anyway. I’d let everything just…slip away. Over what? A pretty smile? Sex?

  My control snapped. “You don’t think I know the knee-deep crap I’m in right now? I don’t need you to lay it out like I don’t know. I’m here, and you’re not. You never are.” I was on my own.

  “That’s not fair.” She rubbed her temples.

  “Haven’t you ever made a mistake, Mom? Because that whole math-major thing tells me that you were pregnant at my age, right? Did you bounce back from that? No. How do I know that? The only memory I have of my father is his back as he walked away. My already-married father. Right?”

  Her mouth hung open long enough for me to suck in my breath reflexively. Shit. It had been four years since I’d thrown that out there, the same length of time as the affair that had decimated my family, but only wounded his marriage. “Mom. I’m so sorry. I never meant… I’m so sorry. I know what you did for me, what you’ve been through for me.” How could I judge her? After what I’d done? Taboo relationships. Guess the apple didn’t fall far from that tree, eh?

  She closed her mouth slowly, taking a deep breath. “I’ve done everything I can to make up for you not having him in your life.”

  “I know. He already had a family and didn’t want me, or you, and it’s his loss. I just… Mom, I need you to remember what it was like to be my age and maybe cut me a little slack. I’m underwater. I know that. You know that. So you can ease up on me until I start treading water, or you can drown me.”

  Silence dominated as we stared back at each other, six thousand miles apart in more than distance. Finally, her shoulders dropped a fraction.

  “I love you, baby. I know I’m hard on you. I’m just stuck here, and I can command this entire brigade, but I can’t seem to keep a grip on my own daughter. You’re slipping away so quickly. As soon as I get home, I want you to move back in with me. We’ll figure this mess out together. Just another month.”

  I shook my head. “No, Mom. Then I’d be dependent on you instead of these guys. I have to do this on my own, and you have to let me. Please. I have a plan, just…have a little faith in me. I’ll find a way to get back into Colorado.” I couldn’t do it—move home like I needed to lick my wounds.

  “You’re at least coming up to see me, right?”

  “I wouldn’t miss it.”

  She sighed. “Okay. We’re getting busy here tearing down, so it will be a few days before I can get some time. Just…try to stay out of trouble, okay?”

  “So don’t apply for jobs at strip clubs?”

  Her eyes flew wide. “Don’t even joke about that, Samantha.”

  Thank you, Grayson.

  We hung up, and I scurried through my closet, discarding the wrong outfits into a pile on my bed. I wanted…yes! I slid into my favorite pair of shorts, the ones that hugged my ass and made my legs look longer. I paired them with a black tank top and a light green button-down.

  I checked my phone. Four fifteen p.m. I had to hurry or I was going to be late.

  I skipped down the steps, waving at the guys, including Will, who were camped out on the sofa watching baseball and enjoying the last day of their long weekend for Memorial Day. Grayson will be home tonight!

  A rush ran through me, singing in my veins and making my skin tingle. Down girl, he said friends. Maybe he was up for the whole friends-with-benefits thing? Because the more time I spent around him, the harder it was not to crawl up his body and attack his face with mine. I bet he’s strong enough that we could actually have sex while standing. No wall. Nada. Just him and me and those arms…

  “Earth to Sam!” Josh called out.

  “Yeah?” I asked, snagging my keys off the hall table. Holy shit, I needed to get laid. Wait, that’s right. I didn’t have sex anymore. That’s what got me here.

  “Are you headed to work? We were thinking about dinner and didn’t know if you wanted to order from Mellow Mushroom.”

  “Pizza? Again? What do you guys usually do when Grayson isn’t here?” I located my purse in the hall closet.

  “It’s Tuesday. We order pizza. Same as Saturday,” Jagger answered.

  “And Thursday,” Josh added.

  “I miss living with Ember,” I muttered, but Josh heard me and grinned. “Order whatever you want. I’ll grab something on the way home. I have to run an errand before work, so I’ll catch you later?”

  They waved me off, and I ran out the door. “Fuck!” I shrieked as my black leather seats scalded the backs of my thighs. Could it be any hotter? I checked the dash. Ninety-seven degrees. In May. What the hell was July going to look like? I rolled down all the windows and blasted the air conditioner.

  My heart pounded for the ten minutes it took me to drive past Walmart and pull into the parking lot. It kept pounding the other five minutes it took me to get the courage up to actually get out of the car, and didn’t stop when I opened the doors to the admissions office at Enterprise State Community College.

  “Welcome, may I help you?” a young brunette drawled sweetly.

  “I have an appointment with Mrs. Traper?” My fingers flexed on my purse. I should have filled out the application online and left it at that. At least rejection didn’t actually laugh in my face.

  Suck up the bitter taste of accountability. Grayson’s voice rang in my ears, and I raised my chin. I could do this.

  “Yes, ma’am,” the girl answered, pointing down the small hallway. “She’s waiting for you, second door on the left.”

  “Thank you,” I replied, and then walked the plank toward her office.

  “Come in,” Mrs. Traper called to me as I peeked inside her office. She looked mid-forties, with short blond hair and a kind smile. She stood and shook my clammy hand, motioning to the seat in front of her. “What can I do for you, Ms. Fitzgerald?”

  “I’d like to apply.” I sat, reaching into the folder I brought with me and handing her the application I’d printed and filled out. The pleather squeaked under my shorts.

  She took it from me, glancing through it with a perplexed smile. “You didn’t need to make an appointment to apply. We’d be happy to look at it and let you know.”

  “I thought I might have a better chance in person.”

  She raised her eyebrows. “We’re a community college, darlin’, not the Ivy League.”

  I swallowed. “Yes, ma’am. But this is important to me.” It was a step, one I desperately needed.

  She raised her glasses from the necklace they hung from and slipped them on, delving into my application. “You’re coming to us from the University of Colorado?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Hmm. You had a 3.9 GPA until this last semester, and then it appears you failed all four of your classes?” She looked up, her eyes boring into mine. My breathing accelerated, and I concentrated on slowing it down.

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Can you explain for me?”

  My mouth opened and shut a few times before I made the words come out. “I stopped going to classes in December. I didn’t turn in any of the work or take any of the finals.”

  “Well, that would do it. I don’t see why you couldn’t take some classes here until you’re ready to head back to a bigger university. I assume that’s your goal, right? Your bachelors in”—she checked my application—“mathematics?”

  I nodded. Not that Colorado would ever take me back until I faced the disciplinary board. “I’d like to take a few classes to boost my
GPA and give me some concrete to stand on. Right now it feels like it’s all quicksand.”

  She nodded, her eyes searching me like she knew I hadn’t told her the whole truth. How could I? I hadn’t told anyone. “So we’ll fetch your transcript from CU and get you enrolled, sound okay?”

  I sucked in my breath. “Is there any chance we can do this without my transcript?”

  She took her glasses down and folded her hands on the desk. “What would your transcripts tell me, Samantha?”

  Nausea turned my stomach over, but I breathed through it. “It would come with a disciplinary report.”

  “And what would that say?” Her features stayed relaxed and open, calming me.

  “It would say that I struck my ethics professor.” In the face. In broad daylight. In the middle of the quad with at least thirty witnesses if not more. And it felt great.

  Her eyes widened, but that was her only reaction. “And why would you have done that?”

  My chest tightened, my secret simultaneously clawing up my throat to be free and clinging to the mess it had made in my soul. I closed my eyes and centered myself.

  “Samantha?”

  “Because I found out that I wasn’t the only girl he was sleeping with.” There. It was out. The crushing weight lifted off my heart, and I took a deep, clear breath, then another. I felt lighter than I had since December, and cleaner, despite the dirt I’d laid bare to a perfect stranger. As my eyes opened, I found her staring back at me, the same kind concern shining out of her eyes as had been there before I told her. “Of course none of that is in the report. Just that I hit him.”

  “I see.” She thumbed through the pages of my application again, and I awaited her verdict. At least this time my cards were on the table. There was no giant ax waiting to land in my back while I wasn’t looking. I might be facing the guillotine, but I was looking at it head-on. “You used to tutor math?”

  I licked my suddenly dry lips. “Yes, ma’am.”

  “The high school is looking for tutors, if you’d like some volunteer work under your belt…” She’s rejecting me, telling me I haven’t paid for my sin yet. I’m screwed. “…while you take your classes here. We start next week, so be sure to grab a course catalog at the front desk. I’ll get you put in the system, and you can enroll online.”