Beyond What is Given

by Rebecca Yarros

  My lips parted, and my heart stopped, then pounded a furious beat.

  “You moved in and infuriated me because you took down every single one of my defenses before I had a chance to fortify myself against you. I never stood a chance, especially not with us living together.”

  I leaned away from his touch and dropped my hand. He couldn’t do that, put me up on the pedestal Grace stood on—not when I was anything but worthy.

  “Samantha?” He leaned forward.

  “We can’t do this…be together.” I shook my head, hating the words as they slipped free, and fanned out my suit of hearts. I had way more sins than thirteen cards, and his only fault wasn’t even a transgression. It was a horrific accident, something he’d had no control over, where mine were conscious choices. Bad choices.

  “Because of Grace?”

  I grabbed his hand and placed my ace of hearts in it. “Because I’m no good for you. Because I’m not a good person. I’m selfish, and spoiled, and entitled, and make horrible decisions that hurt people.”

  “Sam—”

  “You want every bad and ugly thing? Do you want to know why I got kicked out of college, Grayson?”

  “Yes, but you need to know that it doesn’t matter. Not to me. It won’t change how I feel about you.”

  “Well, it matters to me. I got kicked out over a guy. My entire collegiate career, gone. Poof. But he was nice, and showed interest in me when I was all alone. Ember had left for Vanderbilt. My mom had moved to Kentucky, and I was on my own, really on my own for the first time, and it wasn’t…freeing like I thought it would be. I was so lonely. So I took summer classes to fill the time, and I met Harrison. He was everything I thought I was supposed to want. Stable, educated…worldly, I guess. He made me feel like the luckiest girl when I was with him. Fall came, and…” I swallowed. What was he going to think of me when he found out? Would he label me a whore? Say I deserved the emails that popped into my inbox?

  Grayson squeezed my fingers gently, and the card pressed into my skin. “You don’t have to, if it’s too much. I’m not doing this to hurt you, or to find an excuse to walk away, and if you’re not ready, we can do this slowly.”

  Of course he was giving me an out. Being supportive. Pulling me off bars and out of strip clubs. He was everything I needed, and nothing I deserved. “Stop being so nice!”

  His brows drew closer together, hurt streaking through his eyes. “What—”

  “He was my professor, Grayson. I slept with my professor, and it wasn’t a one-time thing. We were together for months.” Four months, thirteen days, if I had been counting. Which I had.

  “Okay.” His thumb stroked over mine, and I focused on that small movement to get me through the rest.

  “It wasn’t just…sex. I loved him, or what I thought was him. I didn’t ask questions when he was busy. I never wondered why he was so against spending the night at my house. I mean, come on. He was a twenty-eight-year-old ethics professor, and I was a twenty-one-year-old student. Of course he couldn’t spend the night with me. He was risking his job by being with me. I couldn’t ask more of him when he’d already given me so much.” A sour laugh slipped free. “You have to know where this is going, right? I’m the only naive one who didn’t see it coming.”

  His eyes weren’t judgmental once I found the courage to meet them. But of course they weren’t. The closer I got to Grayson, the more I understood that he wasn’t aloof because he felt superior. He was aloof because it kept him alive.

  “You weren’t the only one,” he whispered.

  I shook my head. “It seemed so romantic. So…forbidden. I kept thinking that he must have really loved me if he was willing to risk so much. But then I slipped into his office one day with this sexy little note to sneak into his pocket, and I found it—his wedding ring.” It had been cool in my palm, that tiny circle that flat-lined my heart.

  Grayson’s deep inhale was the only sign that he’d heard me.

  “Guess the apple didn’t fall far from the tree, huh?” I forced a fake smile.

  He tipped my chin to pin down my gaze. “Your mother?”

  “I hated her for years, because I couldn’t have my dad. He was already someone else’s husband. Someone else’s father, and after yanking us around for four years, he chose them. Funny how I turned out just like her after I swore I’d never make her mistake. Does that earn me another card? Maybe the jack or something?”

  He leaned forward, pressing his lips firmly to my forehead. “This is not your fault. You didn’t know he was married. You are not responsible for his sin. He, and he alone is.”

  The pit in my stomach widened, threatening to suck me in. “You don’t understand. There was this moment, when I held his wedding ring in my hand…I thought—just for a second—about simply putting it back and not saying anything. I’d been so happy, and I didn’t want it to end. I wanted him to choose me. I’d finally realized why Mom had stayed all those years, waiting for a man who would never keep his promise, and I hated myself for being weak enough—selfish enough—to even contemplate the same.”

  “But you ended it.”

  “Sure, before Harrison could. Before he could make the promises that he’d leave his wife, or say that I was his world, only to eventually walk away.”

  “Like your father.”

  I nodded, unable to really voice what Grayson knew.

  “I wigged out in the middle of the quad when he came running after me, and slapped him so hard he wore my handprint on his face to his next class.”

  A corner of his mouth tilted up. “I bet you did.”

  “Another professor saw it and reported it. Harrison didn’t…press charges, but I didn’t exactly show up for the disciplinary hearing, either.” I shook my head and dropped my gaze. “His family is an institution there. His mother is on the board, and his sister works there, too. No one was going to believe me, and even if they did, I still struck a professor.”

  “Classes?” He ran his hands down my arms, warming my chilled skin, until he clasped my hands in his.

  How long until he saw me for what I really was and pulled away? “I quit going. I tried…once. I made it all the way to the parking lot, but when I saw the other students, I couldn’t do it. By then there was a video posted online someone had taken. Harrison had it removed, mostly for his dignity, but everyone saw that I hit him. I couldn’t sit in his class, hell, any class where the teacher had been warned about me. That was November. December I missed finals, and my expulsion letter came before Christmas.”

  “You were scared.”

  “Terrified.” Paralyzed with it and unable to say how much until this moment. “Telling my mother meant she’d know, but I haven’t told her the whole truth. I can’t stand the thought of her looking at me any differently, or seeing her bad choices echoed in me.”

  “You are not the villain here.”

  “Being a villain and being guilty are two different things. I still could have ripped apart that marriage. Maybe it’s my mother’s karma biting me in the ass, or maybe it’s because I’m incredibly selfish, but I will screw this up somehow if we try.”

  “Let me make that call.” His chair squeaked against the hardwood as he pushed back from the table, but he didn’t drop my hands. Instead, he tugged, pulling me to my feet and then into his lap. His strong arms surrounded me, and my head fit perfectly against his neck. “I’m so sorry for what happened.”

  “What?” I asked. “Why on earth would you be sorry? You’ve been through hell. I’m an adulterer. There’s nothing for you to be sorry about. If anything, you should be tossing me off your lap and heading for the nearest exit, not pulling me closer.” He did just that, one of his hands dwarfing the side of my face as he stroked my cheek with his thumb. “I don’t even know what we’re thinking. You only have six months before you graduate.”

  “Yes, and we’ll handle that when it comes.” He gently lifted my face. “Samantha, take the chance. No matter what’s happening between us
, whether we’re friends—or more—whatever we decide, I will be here for you. I will not abandon you, no matter what you’ve done, or what you do. If you can still trust me, take a chance on me, and I’ll prove it.”

  “Why? I slept with my professor, dance on bars, and apply at strip clubs. I’m not the kind of girl you need.” I wasn’t Grace and never would be.

  “Well, you’re the only girl I want.”

  My heart cracked, flayed open in front of him…for him. But could I do this for only six months? Could I try? Trust? Hold him far enough away to salvage whatever he didn’t take of my heart when it was over? But could I forgive myself if I didn’t take the gamble? Let him walk away?

  No.

  I took the three of hearts and put it face up on the table. “I only sleep on the left side of the bed.”

  He cocked an eyebrow.

  “That’s a selfish fact,” I warned. “Not an invitation.”

  “I’d sleep on the floor to get closer to you.”

  I was so fucked.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Grayson

  I executed the roll-on landing with precision and tensed my hand to keep from fist-pumping. Fucking perfect.

  I taxied and parked us, then started the shut-down.

  “Good flight,” Mr. Stewmon, my instructor pilot said as we walked off the flight line. Stewmon was a retired CW5, pushing fifty with a stocky build, and wouldn’t hesitate to kick my ass if I screwed up.

  He was more than a little terrifying and quizzed us mercilessly during debriefs.

  “Did I kick your ass? I did, didn’t I?” Jagger asked with a cocky grin once we were headed toward the car.

  “No.” Stewmon answered as he came up behind us. “You didn’t. Study up and have a nice night, lieutenants.” He waved his dismissal.

  “So what’s up with you and Sam?” Jagger asked once we were headed home.

  Shit. We hadn’t exactly labeled “us” in the last two weeks.

  “Man, you can try to ignore the question, but I’m still going to ask it until you answer.” Why was he always grinning?

  He stayed silent, even as we rolled out of the gate, but his eyes stayed on me. I knew Jagger. He’d wait me out. Prying, cocky friend that he was.

  “I’m not sure,” I finally answered.

  “Is she sure?”

  “What? Did she say something? What did she tell you?” Holy shit. I’d gone back to junior high. “Never mind.”

  He had the nerve to laugh. “No. But it’s not like we haven’t noticed you guys sneaking out on Friday nights. And the way you two orbit around each other? You’re definitely something.”

  I swallowed. Orbit. That was the word for it. She was the Earth, full of life, raging rivers, erupting volcanoes, mysterious oceans, and breathtaking views. I was a satellite in her orbit, witnessing from a distance while she bloomed.

  Damn, I loved to watch her shine.

  “She’s doing great, isn’t she? Nailing her classes, holding down a job, helping Avery out with her summer school.” She’d seemed lighter, like laying her cards on that table had physically unburdened her.

  “She is,” Jagger agreed. “I think you bring out the best in each other.”

  “I’m not sure I have a best.”

  “Okay, then she makes you less statue, more human.”

  “Ha, ha.” I debated, then went for it. “We’re…exploring the possibility of an ‘us.’ Slowly.”

  “What’s holding you back?” Jagger asked as we crossed the Enterprise line.

  I glanced at him sideways and back to the road.

  “Oh, come on. You watched me break down when I almost lost Paisley, and you pretty much held me together. I’m not going to judge.”

  I nearly snorted. “No one is as harsh on me as I am. You don’t scare me.”

  “Yeah, well you scare everyone. Well, everyone but Sam, but she’s fucking fearless.”

  The corners of my mouth lifted. “She is.” Fearless, passionate, strong, tender…and mine, if I would just reach for her instead of dancing around what we now knew we both wanted. I was running out of reasons not to.

  “So about that Fourth-of-July trip we were talking about,” he said while looking anywhere but at me. “I may have rented a beach house in Nags Head for the weekend.”

  “Right.”

  “You’re cool with it?”

  “I’m not thrilled, but I’m not ready to kill you over it.” I was a little nauseous about my parents finding out exactly what I’d been up to, though. “I’d really like you guys to not mention what we’re doing here though, and not ask why.”

  “I know you like to keep shit separate. Come hang when you can, and when you can’t, just be…you know…you. We’re not going to be pissed.”

  “Who is this we?” I asked.

  He cleared his throat. “Josh and Ember are going to Colorado to see her family, so it’s you, me, Paisley, Sam, Morgan, Carter—”

  I hit the brakes a little too hard at the red light just to toss him against his seat belt. “You invited Carter?” I nearly growled as I took off at the green light.

  “Morgan insisted. Said he was lonely or some bullshit. So now I get to vacation with my girlfriend’s ex. It’s glorious.” He rubbed his hand over the back of his neck. “He’s really not all that bad.”

  Okay, that earned a half smile. “He’s growing on me. Josh?”

  Jagger laughed and shook his head. “Hell no. Those two glare at each other more than high-school girls.”

  We pulled into the driveway, and I nearly bolted to the door when I saw Sam’s car. Relax, it’s only been ten hours. I tossed my keys as I walked in the door and Jagger sang out, “Honey, we’re home!”

  “Oh!” she squeaked from the kitchen, but I didn’t see her as I looked over the half wall. “You guys are early!”

  “It’s after five,” I answered, coming around the wall to see—Holy shit. The floor was covered in water, as was Sam with her bare legs extended from beneath the kitchen sink. All the cleaning crap that was normally kept under the sink lay scattered around her.

  “Samantha.” I gripped her warm calves and pulled gently, dislodging her from the cabinet. She grimaced and then gave me a really fucking cute smile as she waved a wrench.

  “Grayson.”

  “What the hell happened?” Jagger asked, leaning over the wall.

  I raised an eyebrow at Sam as I pulled her to her feet. Her soaked red tank top clung to her skin, and I pried my eyes away from her hardened nipples before I decided to suck on them. Get a grip, you’re not there yet.

  I held out my hand, and she wrinkled her nose but put the wrench into it. “Samantha?” I asked again, loving the way her name sounded.

  She reached in her back pocket and then handed me a very wet four of hearts card.

  “I tend to get in over my head before I ask for help.” She blinked up at me.

  I took her card and pocketed it. “Apparently.”

  Jagger burst into laughter. “She is all yours.”

  She grinned shamelessly up at me. “I kind of am,” she admitted.

  “I know.” My voice dropped, and I stood there like an idiot for another minute, a breath away from her, standing in a giant puddle of water, craving her mouth. “What happened?”

  “I…uh…lost my ring.” She licked her lips.

  “So you ripped apart the kitchen sink.”

  She nodded enthusiastically. “Seemed the most logical path to getting it back.”

  “Right.” I unzipped my uniform top and hung it on the back of the dining room chair before taking Sam’s place under the kitchen sink. “Only a few more turns and you would have had it,” I said as I finished removing the U-bend. “What’s the story with the ring?”

  She took the pipe out of my hands and dumped the contents into a bowl. “Thank you.” She sighed, taking the sapphire ring out of the mucky leftovers. “It was my grandmother’s. Mom gave it to me when I turned sixteen. My grandparents are dead, so i
t’s the only link I really have left.”

  “I’d rip the sink apart for that, too,” I answered, putting it back together. As I washed my hands, Sam hopped onto the counter and swung her feet.

  “You know I could have done that if you’d explained how. You didn’t have to get gunked up or take over all man-style.”

  I grimaced, reached into my pocket, and handed her the eight of spades. “I overstep boundaries to fix problems the women in my life can probably handle themselves. Maybe it’s from growing up with four sisters, or maybe I’m overprotective.”

  “That’s hardly a sin,” she said with a grin, “but I’ll take it.” She hopped to the floor and tugged her shorts down so they covered her to mid-thigh. “So, Friday date night?” she asked.

  My fingers tightened on the counter. “I know we usually go out on Friday…”

  “Are you canceling on me?” She shot me a look so full of sass that I almost kissed it off her.

  “Hell no. I was thinking we’d keep it low-key tonight? Jagger is headed to Paisley’s, and Josh—”

  “Is out!” Josh called as he passed by the kitchen. “I can make it to Nashville by ten if I leave now, so I’ll catch you later!”

  “Right,” I finished.

  Sam swayed toward me. “Are you trying to get me alone? Maybe score a little make-out session?”

  My stomach muscles tightened as she ran her fingers down the lines of my abs. “Sam, we’re not fifteen, and if all I wanted was a make-out, I’d carry you upstairs and shut my bedroom door.”

  “That’s a date-night I could get behind. Or I could set the timer for seven minutes and pull you into the closet.” Her eyes sparkled.

  “Dinner, movie, closet. Gotcha.”

  She laughed, brushed her lips across mine, and skipped off to the shower. It took all my willpower not to follow her in.

  “I like this,” she said a couple hours later, her head in my lap as we pretended to watch whatever chick flick she’d chosen.

  “Me, too.” I skimmed her cheekbone with my thumb.

  “You know what would make this room perfect?”

  If you were naked. “What?”