Beyond What is Given

by Rebecca Yarros

  “Yes,” she admitted softly, and had the sense to look away. “We didn’t know the trial would do anything. She’s really and truly a miracle, Gray. Our Hail Mary.”

  “Full of Grace,” I whispered to myself.

  Mrs. Bowden stepped in. “The team came here from the University, and they’ve been kind enough to let us stay here. We’ll go to Texas in a month for tests, of course, but their doctors are constantly flitting around.”

  “How long will she be in the hospital?”

  “That’s up to the doctors.”

  I nodded, trying to process everything without losing my shit.

  “How long can you stay?” Miranda asked.

  Reality split again. I’d spent so long praying for her to wake up, I’d never considered what would happen after she did. “I’m on a four-day.”

  “Did you happen to bring Samantha with you?” Mrs. Bowden asked.

  My head snapped toward her. Sam. I closed my eyes for a second and let the thought of her rush through me, calming everything just enough to breathe.

  The consequences of the miracle in front of me unfurled, hitting me harder than the fake-terrorist during SERE school. Sam. My Samantha.

  Grace needs you.

  Suddenly there wasn’t enough oxygen in the room, or the world.

  “Gray?” Mrs. Bowden prodded.

  “No, I didn’t bring her.” She was at home, with my study guides, my helicopter, my friends…my heart. And Grace was here. Fuck. I tried to silence the screaming in my head long enough to form a coherent sentence. “Does Grace know? About Sam?”

  Miranda’s eyes filled with sympathy. “No. None of us have breathed a word of it to her.”

  Mrs. Bowden touched my arm lightly. “We thought it best to let her be happy. We don’t know how she’ll react, what the stress might do to her. She knows that you’re here every chance that you get, but that’s all. We’d…we’d like you to let her heal before, well, anything.”

  “You’d like me to lie? Or you’d like me to conveniently forget that I have a girlfriend at home in Alabama?” I growled, nausea rolling in my stomach.

  “No,” Miranda shook her head at her mother. “No, Gray, we don’t. We just need to figure out what she assumes about now—what she needs. Telling her about Sam, that’s your choice. What you choose to do now that she’s awake—well, that’s your choice, too.”

  I nodded once, then pushed past them to the door and through it. I ignored my name being called from the waiting room, from the hall behind me, from the person standing in the hall. The door swung open in front of me as I entered the stairwell and then hammered my way down the eight flights.

  Sam. Grace.

  My future. My past?

  Everything I’d ever wanted had suddenly appeared, but I couldn’t have it all. I had to choose between the Grayson I was five years ago, the one who’d loved Grace with every heartbeat, and the one I was now, who’d fallen for Sam so completely that she was as crucial as oxygen.

  Even now, as I rounded the staircase to the ground floor, every cell in my body screamed out for Sam, to hear her voice, her laugh, feel her heartbeat under the palm of my hand. But eight floors up, Grace was awake, the answer to every prayer, blissfully unaware that I’d fallen in love with another woman while she’d been unable to put up a fight. Grace, who’d been my best friend since we could walk. Grace, who’d always been my future until that night. Grace, who needed me.

  I burst through the doors on the ground floor and didn’t stop until I was outside the hospital. The air hit my face, and I took gulping breaths to calm my racing heart. Saliva filled my mouth, and my stomach rebelled. I made it to the bushes before I vomited, bringing up everything I’d eaten and then heaving nothingness.

  “Oh, Gray.” Mom’s hands patted my back like I was eleven with the stomach flu.

  I took the bottle of water she held out for me, swished out the sour taste of bile, and spit. She took my arm and led me to the bench that rested inside the gazebo, where we sat side-by-side in silence until I was ready to speak.

  “Grace is awake.”

  “Yes.” She squeezed my hand.

  “I’m in love with Sam.” The words, spoken aloud, sent a bittersweet feeling through me that radiated from my heart to my limbs until I swore my fingers tingled. I thought the first time I said them would be freeing.

  I thought the first time I said them would be to Samantha.

  “I know.”

  “I haven’t told her. I was scared that if I said something, let myself really love her, plan a life with her, something would happen. I’d lose her…like I lost Grace. I’ve been paying for that night for five years, and Sam is the first really good thing to happen to me. But maybe she’s the price?” My stomach rolled again, and I leaned over, resting my forehead on my fists. “Maybe God, fate, irony, whatever…maybe it needed this last ounce of pain it could wring from me, and I deserve it. I do. But Sam doesn’t. Grace doesn’t.”

  “Look at me.” Her voice was sharp, and I raised my eyes to her. “You did not deserve this. You were not responsible for what happened to Grace. You saved her life. You were not responsible for Owen driving that night. None of what’s happening is your fault. You cannot carry the burdens of this world on your shoulders. Even you are not that strong.”

  But it had been my fault. I knew he was too drunk to drive. I hadn’t taken the keys. “What am I going to do? No matter what I choose, someone gets hurt.”

  “You’re going to let some of this blame go, Gray. You’re going to spend this weekend with Grace, and you’re going to go home to Sam. And then you’re going to figure out what you want your life to look like now that Grace is in it again. Oh, and you’re going to come home with me while Grace is sleeping. I need your help rearranging some furniture.”

  I knew she made that up to distract me, get me out of the hospital for long enough to clear my head. “Furniture, huh?”

  She gave me a mock-innocent face. “I pay in brownies.”

  “Deal.”

  “Thank you for this,” Grace whispered, her head resting on my shoulder as we looked out over the ocean from the front seat of my Mustang. If you’d asked me about five-and-a-half years ago where I’d see myself now…well, this was it.

  “You get five more minutes before we have to head back. They’ll notice you’re missing and send the cavalry to find you.”

  She wound her fingers through mine. “And you have a plane to catch.”

  “Yes.” I looked down to our intertwined fingers. What was once effortless felt a fraction off, like a puzzle piece that had warped in water.

  “Are you happy there? In Alabama?”

  My chest tightened, picturing Sam’s smile, the feel of her wrapped around me in the morning because she didn’t understand that it was possible to share the bed without acting as a blanket. “Yes.”

  “I’m scared. Five years, Gray. What am I supposed to do with myself? The whole world kept spinning while I was paused.”

  I leaned my head to rest on hers, the familiarity too easy to sink into. “You don’t have to be scared, Grace. We’re all still here.”

  “But you’re not. They said you came all the time.” She took a breath, and I waited, knowing it took supreme effort to form the sentences. “You kind of put your life on pause, too, but you live eight-hundred miles from here.” She shivered, and I pulled the hospital blanket up higher to cover her shoulders.

  “I’m always only a phone call away.”

  She nodded. “It’s just…different. Tell me something. Anything. Maybe about flying?”

  The waves crashed in front of us as I told her about flight school. I told her about beating out both Carter and Jagger for top of the OML during Primary, and being class leader now. “I’m fighting like hell to graduate at the top of my class. I should get my choice of duty stations, and then I can get Fort Bragg. I’d be close.”

  “Is it safe? You know…for you to fly? Do you struggle?”

  O
f course she would ask that. “I’m safe. My reflexes make up for any extra time it takes me on the gauges. So far I haven’t had a problem.”

  “Is it hard?”

  “Sometimes. I spend a lot of time studying.” Sam flashed in front of my eyes, straddling me, asking that last 5&9 question before she’d let me touch her. “I have help.”

  “And you have…friends there?” She pulled back and looked up at me, her eyes large and so open, honest.

  I swallowed. “I have friends.” Sam’s name was on the tip of my tongue. It wasn’t fair for Grace not to know, but maybe her mom was right. She needed to heal. I wouldn’t lie if she outright asked me, but I knew Grace, and if she hadn’t asked, it was because she didn’t want to know.

  She nodded and tucked her head back onto my shoulder with a jaw-cracking yawn. “You should probably take me back. Mom will have a cow if she notices I’m gone.”

  I took us back to the hospital and lifted her into my arms as I snuck in the back entrance. “When did this happen?” She motioned to my torso as we rode the elevator. “I’m not complaining, but you’re…you’re kind of massive.”

  “It started after the first year you were…yeah. When they thought you woke up the first time, I had all this rage, so I channeled it.”

  “Did I miss the purple shorts?” She blinked up at me, and the elevator dinged.

  It took me a second before I caught on. “I’m not the Incredible Hulk.”

  “Hmmm.” She gave me that knowing look, and the last five years faded.

  “There you are!” Parker exclaimed after the doors opened on our floor. Her joy at this situation was a ten on the what-the-fuck scale, like someone had taken my angry-spikey sister and dipped her in Care Bear fluff.

  “I wanted to see the water,” Grace said with a smile.

  “Of course! Gray, can I see you before you head out?”

  “No problem.” I carried Grace to her room and got her settled.

  “When will you be back?” she grasped my hand after I pulled the covers around her.

  My throat closed. “I’m not sure. I wasn’t planning until October, but I’ll see if I can make it sooner.”

  Her face fell. Shit. “Right. Of course. But I can call?” She picked up her iPhone 6 that her dad gave her this morning. “I mean, it’s not all that different from the 3, right?”

  A corner of my mouth lifted. “Right. You have my contact in there, so call, text, whatever you need. I’m here for you.”

  She nodded. “I’ll miss you.”

  I leaned over and kissed the top of her head, inhaling her lavender shampoo. “I’ve missed you for five years, Grace. God, I’m glad you’re back.”

  She forced a smile that didn’t reach her eyes, and I squeezed her hand. “I’ll see you soon, Gray.”

  “Okay. See you.” I picked up my backpack on the way out and slung it over my shoulder.

  “So?” Parker nudged me in the ribs.

  “So what, Parker?” I hit the button for the elevator.

  “G-squared, back in force! It’s perfect! You get a fairytale ending! I want to bask in that happiness for a bit.”

  I got on the elevator as the door opened and turned back to Parker looking too damn chipper in that candy-striper uniform. “I have to get home, Parker. To Sam. You may have forgotten that I have a life in Alabama, but I haven’t.”

  Her mouth dropped, and she thrust her hand into the closing elevator doors to keep them open. “You can’t be serious. Grace is a miracle, Gray. Your miracle. Fuck your other life and come home. We need you. Grace needs you.”

  Every muscle in my body tensed. “I have to go.”

  “Yeah, as always. You go. Run away. Leave us here. Leave Grace here. It’s what you’re good at, right?”

  “At least you’re acting more like yourself.”

  “Well, you’ve been handed the fucking glass slipper and you’re still acting like an asshole.” She moved her hands, and the doors shut.

  The house was pitch-black when I unlocked the front door. Then again, at two a.m. I didn’t expect any different.

  I climbed the stairs, my heart pounding, my hands aching to fill themselves with Sam, to soak up the peace only she brought to me. She was going to be pissed. I hadn’t even called, but what was I supposed to say to her? Hey, sorry, I’m trying to walk this fine line of pretending you don’t exist and flat-out lying to my best friend.

  I crept into our room, quietly undressing so I didn’t disturb her. I slid into bed, only to find it empty. What the fuck? She hadn’t moved in. Of course she didn’t. You left her standing in the middle of the hallway while you ran home to your non-comatose girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend. Whatever.

  In only my boxer-briefs, I crept across the hall, opened her door, and dodged every landmine of clothes on the floor as I made my way to her bed. The moonlight shone in through the window, illuminating her curves as they dipped along the mattress. Her lips were slightly parted as she slept, one hand grazing her cheek. My breath caught at how fucking beautiful she was, what a gift I’d been given when she fell into my arms.

  I needed her. Now. Needed to be inside her, connected to her so deep that she’d never get me out.

  I pulled back her covers and then carefully brought her into my arms. “Mmmm,” she hummed, her lips at my throat. “Grayson?”

  “I’m here.” I flipped off the hallway light and kicked our door shut gently as I brought her into what was now our bed. Where she’d stay, damn it.

  Hovered over her, I kissed the lines of her collarbone until I pulled down the thin strap of her tank top. Her eyes blinked open, sleep-hazed. “Grayson, what are you doing?”

  “I know you’re pissed, and you should be. And I’ll explain, I swear. But right now… God, I need you.” My voice broke.

  Her hands cupped my face, gently pulling me from her chest so she could look into my eyes.

  “Sam?”

  A gamut of emotion ran across her face while I waited for her verdict. Anger and defiance softened in those green eyes as her hands ran down my cheeks. “Are you okay?” she asked with more concern than I had any right to.

  “I just need you, Sam. Connect me. Ground me. Love me.” Pull me back from the edge of something that could destroy us both.

  Our eyes spoke more than words could ever manage. Hers widened in almost panic as her fingers slipped to my hair. “You still want me,” she said as if she didn’t think it was a remote possibility.

  “I will always want you.”

  Her eyes watered, but she nodded and kissed me gently, slowly. “I love you,” she whispered against my mouth, and I was lost. I made love to her slowly, carefully, cherishing each line of her body and savoring each gasp, each moan. Once she was writhing, I entered her slowly, pushing deep until I was surrounded, enveloped by heat. Home. Our tongues and breaths mingled as we rocked together, and I caught her every exhale when she came apart in my arms and gasped my name. I followed soon after.

  I pulled her into my side and stroked the soft-as-petals skin of her back as she drifted off to sleep, warm and content. I couldn’t live without this—without her.

  What the fuck was I going to do?

  Grace needed me.

  I needed Sam.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Sam

  Sunlight streamed in the window, and I buried my face deeper into the pillow, denying the existence of morning. Grayson’s scent filled my head, and I forced my eyes open. I was in his room, in his empty bed. Well, our bed.

  Or was it our bed? Was there an “ours”? An “us”?

  I’d half thought it was a dream when he came for me last night after three and a half days of silence, but the delicious soreness between my thighs said either he was home, or I’d had some wicked real dreams.

  The clock read seven thirty. No classes today, but I only had a couple hours before work. I fought the urge to go back to sleep. I’d slept like shit this weekend, no thanks to Mr. No-call, but I wasn’t going to be in here
asleep when he got back.

  Or quite as complacent in his assholery as I’d been last night. You pretty much let him get off one more time before he breaks your heart.

  Or maybe I’d been saying good-bye for myself, preparing for the inevitable nights where he wouldn’t be in my bed…my life. But the look in his eyes when he’d said he needed me, begged for me like I was the only person who could right his world…I was powerless against him. Well, that shit had to stop. Especially now that Grace was awake.

  I found my pajamas and underwear, got dressed, and headed downstairs.

  “Coffee?” Ember asked and nodded toward the seat across from her at the table, where my favorite mug waited. “Peppermint creamer and honey, just the way you like it.”

  I dropped onto the chair and brought the steaming mug to my lips, inhaling the aroma before I took my first sip. “Thank you. I’m glad you’re here, even if it’s just for the week.”

  She propped her feet on the chair next to me and leaned back, waiting.

  “Do you remember prom when we were seniors?” I asked.

  “Sure,” she said. “I went with Riley, and we had that big party at Strawberry Fields. Where are you going with this one?”

  “Do you remember who I went with?”

  Her forehead puckered. “Dustin McClair? Right? That was right after…”

  “Right after Corey broke up with me the week before. I was so scared of being alone, of missing out on my senior prom, that I went with Dustin, who I had absolutely no interest in, who ruined my dress when he spilled beer in the limo, and who reeked of garlic all night. Oh, and then he got really pissed when I wouldn’t sleep with him.”

  “That was definitely a night to remember.” She leaned forward. “Sam?”

  “Do you remember what you said to me when I told you I was going with him?”

  “Not exactly. Something along the lines of, ‘are you sure…’”

  “You said, ‘you’ve never been one to settle for second choice.’”

  She took a sip and nodded. “Well, you never have been.”

  “Right. And that’s the thing. Grayson? I’m so in love with him that I can’t imagine a future where I don’t wake up to him. There’s no one on this earth who makes me feel like he does, who brings out the very best in me. He’s complicated, and smart, and has an incredible heart. Add in that he’s gorgeous and I can barely keep up in bed with him…well, he’s my first choice.”