Beyond What is Given

by Rebecca Yarros

  I watched another doctor come in to talk to a different family. “Yeah, well, that’s probably because there’s nothing to say. Not this time.”

  Because this may have seemed a lot like a repeat of what happened five years ago, but this was so much worse. This was Samantha. My Samantha.

  Jagger slowly nodded. “Okay. Then how about I just sit here with you?”

  But this time I wasn’t alone.

  “Yeah. That’d be good.”

  Her arm was fractured in three places. One broken rib. One laceration on her arm. One dislocated shoulder. Multiple contusions. A definite concussion.

  “And you are her next of kin?” the doctor asked us three hours later as we stood outside the ICU.

  “Yes,” Jagger answered. “I have her medical power of attorney.”

  “You what?” I snapped, not caring that the doctor flinched.

  “Sam’s not an idiot, Grayson. She had it done before she ever agreed to move down here. Well, her mother did. With deployments and no grandparents, we’re the only family she has, at least until her mom gets here,” he said to the doctor.

  Inexplicable rage festered in my chest. If anyone was going to make decisions about Sam’s health, it was going to be me. Period.

  “She has a concussion, and we’re monitoring for any swelling in her brain. We’ve started a course of drugs to help, and we’re oxygenating her. Right now she’s responding well.”

  “And if her brain swells?” I asked, trying not to panic.

  “If that happens, we’ll have a couple options. First, we can do surgery to help remove the pressure, or we can put her into a medically-induced coma to let her brain rest, or shut down if you will.”

  “No!” My voice echoed down the hallway. I grabbed Jagger’s arm. “I don’t care if you’re one of my best friends. You put her in a fucking coma and I’ll put you in a grave.”

  I wasn’t letting Sam go where I couldn’t follow her.

  Jagger’s hand covered mine with a pat. “Okay.” He turned back to the doctor.

  “We’re nowhere near that yet,” the doctor interjected.

  “When will we know how it’s going?”

  He looked sideways at me but answered. “We’re continuously monitoring her, but she looks promising.”

  “When can we see her?” I asked. I needed to feel her warmth, her pulse.

  “Once we have her stabilized.” He excused himself and went back through the glass doors that separated me from her.

  I took two steps back, bumped into the wall, and slid down it until I hit the ground with my arms on my raised knees.

  “I need to check on Paisley, man. You okay for a minute?”

  I nodded. “And Avery. Check Avery.”

  “You got it.” Jagger left.

  My phone rang and I answered with a mumbled, “Hello?”

  “Are you okay?” Grace asked.

  I stumbled through the story, glad to have her voice of reason with me.

  “You don’t deserve this,” she said after I’d finished.

  “Karma? Sure, I do. What I did to you—”

  “Stop. Gray, you weren’t to blame for that. Owen was. If anyone on the planet should be able to absolve you of that guilt, it’s me.”

  My head landed against the wall. “Sam is the one who didn’t deserve this. You were an innocent party. Wrong place, wrong time. But Sam? She was there to help Avery. She literally ran toward a damn tornado.”

  “She’s brave,” Grace said softly.

  “Yes. And funny, and complicated, and sexy, and smart. But, God, it’s that heart of hers I don’t think I can live without. I don’t know what life looks like without her in it. I keep thinking back to when it was you in there, while we were waiting to hear about your brain function.”

  “How does this compare?” she asked.

  “Honestly?”

  “Of course. You might not be my boyfriend, but you’re still my best friend. I know that might not be the same for you, that you’ve adapted to life without me, but I want to be here for you. So yes, honestly.”

  I swallowed and let myself feel it for a second, the all-encompassing fear that threatened to kill my ability to think, to breathe. To imagine Sam lying there the way Grace had. Or worse, burying her. “It doesn’t compare.”

  “I’m so sorry I did that to you,” she said softly.

  “No, I mean, this is a million times worse. I loved you. I thought you were my future, if not as my eventual partner, then always my best friend. But Sam? She’s this wrecking ball who tears down my defenses and makes me feel, forces me to live. My need for her is about the same as my need for oxygen.”

  “I’m so sorry this is happening to you, to Sam. She’s truly remarkable, Grayson.” Her tone was honest, without sarcasm or malice, as she always had been.

  “She is.” And I’d been a damn fool not to show up on her doorstep every morning for the last few weeks and demand she come home, back to me. A bigger fool for not requesting Colorado when I knew that was what she wanted. The greatest fool for letting Dad’s ultimatum rule my future.

  I hung up with her as Jagger appeared, thrusting a cup of coffee into my hands. “It’s two a.m. It’s either time for sleep or caffeine.”

  I took the cup and a sip, wishing it burned more, hurt more, made me feel something.

  “Holy shit, is that Vivica Fox?” Jagger asked, his eyes wide as he stared down the hall.

  I leaned forward to see a beautiful, no-nonsense woman strutting down the hallway, Ember, Josh, and Paisley all struggling to keep up with her. The way she held her head high reminded me all too much of someone else. “That’s Sam’s mom. Has to be.”

  She walked up to me, dropped to my level, eyed the blood covering my shirt, and took my hands. “You’re Grayson.” Her eyes, the same color as Sam’s, locked onto mine.

  “Yes, ma’am.” I steeled myself for the attack, the blame I knew I should shoulder.

  Instead, she cupped my cheek and pressed her lips together, her eyes shiny with tears. “She loves you.”

  “I love her.”

  She nodded. “Thank you. If you hadn’t gone after her, dug her out, I think this conversation would be under much different circumstances.” She squeezed my hands and then stood, entering the ICU with quick, sure steps.

  “How was the drive?” Jagger asked Josh.

  “Good, but the weather is going to turn to shit. A new front is pushing this way, and they’re calling for another outbreak of tornados tomorrow.”

  “Shit,” Jagger muttered, and kissed Paisley’s head.

  They all took seats next to me, lining the hall outside the ICU. “You know there’s a waiting room,” I said.

  “We’re good,” Josh replied.

  An eternity later, Colonel Fitzgerald walked out, her face stern. I jumped to my feet. “Well?”

  “Her shoulder’s been put back in. They’re waiting for the swelling to go down in her arm before they reset the bones. Her laceration has been stitched.”

  “Her brain?” I asked, and held my breath.

  She took a deep breath. “They’ve kept the swelling down. We won’t be able to tell the damage until she’s conscious.”

  Where have I heard that one before?

  “Can I see her?”

  She shook her head. “Not yet. They barely let me in.”

  I cursed as my cell phone rang. I’d forgotten I even had it in my back pocket. “Hello?” I asked.

  “Lieutenant Masters?”

  Fuck. A two a.m. phone call that started like that couldn’t be good.

  “I am,” I answered.

  “This is Major Davidson. I’m sorry to call you so late, but we have an emergency.” His voice was clipped.

  “Yes, sir?” If one of the guys in our class had gotten a DUI, I would kick his ass.

  “We have another weather front pushing in, calling for tornadoes. We were lucky to suffer no damage to the aircraft during this tragedy, but we need to evac them all.”


  “Yes, sir.” My stomach clenched.

  “We’ve exhausted most of our experienced pilots today and don’t have enough instructor pilots to move out all the aircraft. I asked the instructors for their best pilots, and your name came up.”

  “Yes, sir,” I repeated.

  “You’re leaving at first light, which is in about five hours, so I suggest you get some sleep. You’ll be front-seating Mr. Stewmon, your usual instructor. Risk assessment has been completed, and we’re good to go. We need to move these aircraft out. Oh, and I’ll need Bateman, too.”

  I couldn’t leave. Not now. Not with Sam in the ICU.

  “Sir, I’m at the hospital right now. My girlfriend”—ex-girlfriend, my brain clarified—“was injured today, and they’re monitoring her. I more than respect and appreciate the offer, but maybe there’s another pilot better qualified?”

  “I’m sorry to hear that, Lieutenant Masters. She’s not your wife?” he asked.

  “No, sir.” Not yet.

  “Then I’m sorry to say that that wasn’t an offer, that was an order. We need you. I expect you at Cairns by seven a.m. Get some rest.” He hung up before I could even argue.

  “What’s up?” Jagger asked.

  “We’ve been ordered to report to Cairns by seven a.m. They need the 64s moved out to the evacuation zone for the new storms coming in.”

  “Damn, they’re letting you two fly long-distance? I’m impressed,” Josh added.

  This was one instance where I was anything but thrilled to be at the top of my class, or hell, in the army. I turned to Sam’s mom. “I tried to get out of it. I don’t want to leave her, but we have to go.”

  Sam wasn’t my wife. She had no legal standing or claim to me in the eyes of the army, which meant I didn’t qualify for any special consideration to stay by her side. And I’d signed a goddamned contract where I’d basically traded my autonomy for a commission in the United States Army. It was go, or be charged absent without leave.

  She threw her hands up. “Not my chain of command. I can’t do anything to help you with that. Orders are orders. But maybe I can help you here. Follow me.”

  The door swished open and we walked into the ICU. The nurse at the desk cocked her head to the side. “Can I help you?”

  “This young man has just been called away on military duty. He needs to see his fiancée before he goes.” She saw my wide eyes and whispered, “You do intend to marry my daughter, do you not?”

  Hell yes, I do. “Absolutely.”

  “He didn’t mention that they were engaged before.” The nurse looked up at me skeptically.

  “It’s so new that they both haven’t really had time to process it.” Colonel Fitzgerald smiled, and I stood stock-still, knowing better than to try to lie.

  I sucked at lying.

  The nurse looked up at the clock and then sighed. “Fine, but you have to be quick.”

  I didn’t need to be told twice, I’d already memorized her room number from the white board behind the nurse’s station.

  “I’ll be outside,” Colonel Fitzgerald said as I opened the door.

  “Thank you, ma’am. For everything.”

  The steady beeping of the monitor greeted me as I pushed back the curtain that shielded Sam from the door. Her left arm was in a sling, she was attached to an IV, and obscene monitors attached to her head at equidistant intervals.

  I pulled the chair closer to her bed and sat, taking her right hand in mine and pressing a kiss to her palm.

  “I love you. I have to leave for a few days, but I’ll be back once this storm cell passes. Then you’ll be awake, and we can figure out what the hell we’re going to do, because if this has taught me anything, it’s that I can’t exist without you. You broke down every defense and made me feel, so you’d better be around to help me figure out what to do with all these feelings. We have to find a way, Samantha. We just do.”

  I sat with her, watching her chest rise and fall with each breath. She would wake up. She was stronger than Grace, and if I repeated that to myself enough, I could get through this. She was going to wake up.

  “Hey.” Colonel Fitzgerald lightly shook my shoulder, and my eyes snapped open. “It’s two thirty. You fell asleep. Probably a sign that you need to get some rest before you fly.”

  My thumb stroked across the smooth skin of the back of Sam’s hand. “I don’t want to leave her.”

  A soft, sorrowful smile came over her mom’s face. “I never want to. It’s the hardest part of my job, leaving her, especially when she doesn’t have anyone else, really. But if there’s anyone who understands duty and military orders, it’s Sam. This is the only life she’s ever known, Grayson. She was brought up in it, and something tells me she’ll marry into it. She’ll understand.”

  “She shouldn’t have to. I should be here. We haven’t spoken…” My throat closed.

  “I know. She told me. You two are the right people at the wrong time. Odds are stacked against you, I logically know that, and with that math-freakish brain of hers, so does Sam. But she’s never been one to back down from a challenge or to take the easy route.”

  “She must get that from her mother.”

  She laughed. “Stop sucking up and get out of here. I’ll stay with Sam. She won’t be alone.”

  With every cell in my body protesting, screaming to stay by her side, I leaned over Sam’s bed and brushed my lips against her cheek. “I love you, Samantha. Fight like hell. I’ll be home soon. Please forgive me.”

  I physically walked out of the door, but my heart stayed in that bed.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Sam

  Everything hurt.

  I pried my eyes open, and the world came into focus. I was in a hospital. Where? Why? The tornado.

  I moved my head slowly and saw Mom sitting in a chair, reading on her tablet. “Mom,” I croaked.

  Her eyes flew wide, and she smiled just as big, dropping the tablet to the bedside table and pressing the nurse call button. “Hey, Sam. Relax. You’ve had a rough day.”

  “Water?” My mouth tasted like a fuzzy animal had died in there. Where was Grayson? Was he okay? Was the house hit?

  She lifted the clear cup to my lips, and I took a few swallows. “Better. Thank you.”

  “What do you remember?” she asked.

  My face scrunched. “We made it to the locker room, and then the wall came down. I think. Oh God, how’s Avery?”

  “She’s fine, only broke her pinky finger, and she’s been sitting in the waiting room all morning. You did a damn fine job of protecting her, and I’m incredibly proud of you.” She sat on the edge of my bed.

  “Good. I’m glad she’s okay. What day is it?”

  “Tuesday. You were only out overnight. They were worried about brain swelling, and you have a beautiful concussion.”

  “And the sling?” I tried to move my arm and gasped at the pain that coursed through me. “Fuck that hurts.”

  She quirked an eyebrow but didn’t chastise me for my language. “Don’t move it. You fractured it in three places and dislocated your shoulder. They’ll remove the splint and cast it later today now that the swelling has gone down.”

  I dragged my tongue across my incredibly dry lips. “Grayson?” I asked softly.

  “That boy loves you, Samantha.” She squeezed my hand.

  “Where is he? Is he okay?” I should have answered the phone when he called, if only to hear his voice.

  “He’s fine, other than some very pulverized fingers.” At my face, she smiled. “He’s the one who found you, who dug you out. You’re very lucky. Turns out he was on the phone. You must have inadvertently answered it. He heard you say ‘locker room,’ so he knew where to dig. The gym is a total loss. A few square blocks of the town is actually. They called it an EF-3.”

  He’d come for me. Found me. “Where is he?”

  Her face fell. “You know the military. The best and brightest get hit the hardest. They needed spare pilots to e
vac the aircraft. He was ordered to go. I swear to you, that boy was broken up over it. He did not want to leave you.”

  I nodded and swallowed back my twinge of resentment. “Duty and country, right, Mom? I mean, I shouldn’t be surprised. I’ve always known he’s army, but it’s easy to forget when you’re at a training base. Of course he went.”

  “Sam.” She reached, and I moved my head.

  “No. It’s better this way. He’s graduating in two-and-a-half months and moving to North Carolina. Nothing has changed.”

  “You still love him,” she urged. “Maybe this is something worth exploring, even with the Grace mess.”

  “I can’t be the other woman, Mom. Not again.” The pain in my heart was ten times worse than my body, but that morphine drip they had me on wasn’t going to touch it. “Not like…” I couldn’t finish.

  “Not like I was? I know how that feels, more than anyone. I have a life of regrets, Samantha, that I chose the wrong path, that I fell in love with the one person I couldn’t ever have. But the one thing in this world I don’t regret is you. You are the love of my life, my baby girl. And I can’t stand to see you hurting.”

  “Then support me in this. I don’t want to see him. I can’t. You needed a clean break when we moved that first time, and I need one now. Give me that.”

  “I saw his face, watched him kiss you good-bye. That boy needs you.”

  “No. He just thinks he does. I was his crutch, Mom. I woke him up, and got him through. I love him. God, I love everything about him. And he waited five years for her, with that damned honor he has. If I asked him to sacrifice that for me, he wouldn’t be the same, and I can’t do that to him. I’m not blind, I know he loves me, but she’s…” I struggled for the words. “They call each other Port and Starboard. They’re two halves of the same whole. And she’s…Mom, she’s amazing. Kind, and beautiful, and so damn nice. I can’t even hate her, I like her too much. She’s a fucking unicorn, and Grayson deserves that kind of perfection. I’m not exactly up to that standard.”

  The doctor cut off any reply she could have made, introducing herself and then checking me over. “I think you’re ready to get that cast, now.”