Beyond What is Given

by Rebecca Yarros

  “If he were to have it,” Major Davidson added.

  “Then he would in every way qualify for a waiver.”

  “If there were a condition to waive, which you’re saying there isn’t.” Major Davidson leaned across his desk.

  “It’s impossible to waiver something that’s never been diagnosed or even suspected,” Mr. Stewmon pushed back.

  Major Davidson rubbed the skin between his eyes. “You two are killing me. You know that? Masters… You, Bateman, Walker, and Carter. You are my eternal damn headache.”

  I hovered, one foot on each side of the scales, waiting to see which way he was going to tip me.

  “This matter is closed. You have given me no reason to think there’s an issue, and we’ll let this go. You’re dismissed.”

  The air rushed out of my lungs. “Thank you, sir.”

  We filed out one by one, but before I could exit, Major Davidson stopped me. “Lieutenant Masters.”

  I turned slowly. “Sir.”

  “I have a great deal of respect for you, and even a dose of admiration for what you’ve accomplished.” He held out his hand, and I shook it.

  “Thank you, sir.” I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

  “Go ahead, Bateman, he’ll catch up,” Mr. Stewmon said as we walked toward the parking lot. Jagger gave me the sucks-to-be-you face, and basically ran.

  “Thank you, Chief.”

  “My son has dyslexia. Did you know that?” he asked.

  I swallowed. “No, sir.”

  “When he takes a test, he reads every question twice, taking a deep breath in between the reads.” His eyes bored into mine.

  I nodded.

  He sighed. “What I’m saying, is that I knew the first day, from that first test. But I also knew that you graduated top of your Primary class, which meant you worked your ass off and didn’t let it hold you back. If at any point I thought you were a danger to myself, or to your fellow officers, I would have turned you in myself. You have never given me a reason to, and I will always champion you. But, I knew. I know.”

  “Know what, Chief?” I asked, deadpan.

  He slapped me on the shoulder. “Exactly.”

  “I think today deserves a beer,” Jagger said, heading to the fridge.

  “Get me one,” I answered, which earned me two turned heads.

  “Seriously?” Josh asked.

  “I was accused of dyslexia by my father, nearly getting me kicked out of the program, the woman I love has disappeared, while the woman I used to love is catching up on the last five years of everything. Give. Me. A. Beer.”

  Jagger popped the top on a Fat Tire and handed it to me. I’d barely gotten it past my lips when there was a knock at the door.

  “I’ll get it,” I said, heading for the door. My beer nearly dropped out of my hand when I saw who was behind it. “I thought you left.”

  Sam’s gorgeous hazel-green eyes popped when she noticed the beer. “Is this a bad time?”

  I shook my head. “I managed to not get kicked out of flight school for being dyslexic, so it seems like a pretty good time, I guess.” The one-color vibe she had going with her black capri pants and halter top was broken up by the hot pink of the cast peeking out above her black sling. She still looked phenomenal.

  “You’re dyslexic?” Her eyebrows drew together in concern, not judgment, and I sagged a little with relief.

  “Not according to the army.”

  “But you are.” She shook her head. “It all makes perfect sense now. The studying, needing to know the answer to a question when only the first few words had been asked. Are the gauges dangerous for you?”

  I shook my head. “I’ve never had a problem when flying, or driving. Only written tests, and that’s only when I’m overloaded.”

  “How did they find out?”

  “My father called and voiced his concern.”

  Her mouth dropped open. I wanted to suck that bottom lip into my mouth, to close the unforgivable distance between us. “I can’t believe he would do that. I mean, I know he doesn’t want you flying, but to sabotage you like that?”

  “He’s sure my…difficulties caused the accident with Grace. Sure, he acknowledges that Owen may have had something to do with it, but if I’d been a better driver, I would have been able to avoid going over. Owen didn’t exactly help and said he’d been way ahead of us when he entered our lane, instead of less than a couple car-lengths.”

  “It wasn’t your fault.”

  “I’m beginning to leave room for that possibility.”

  She smiled, and my heart ceased functioning.

  “I’ve missed you,” I whispered.

  Her smile faded.

  “Are you going to invite her in, or just stand in the doorframe all night?” Jagger asked.

  “Hi, Jagger. Thanks for not donating my brain to medical science while I was unconscious,” Sam replied.

  “Only because they didn’t offer me enough money,” he teased.

  “Come on in,” I offered, stepping back. “It’s your home, too, you know.”

  She stepped inside but shook her head. “Not anymore.”

  What hope I had dwindled as I shut the door. Jagger and Josh were still leaned up against the kitchen counter. “Want to talk in my bedroom?” Our bedroom.

  An awareness passed between us as she looked at me. “I think the couch is safer.”

  “Only to those with no imagination,” I replied softly.

  She closed her eyes. “Don’t. This is hard enough already.”

  Shit. That wasn’t the line of a woman who came to make up. “Let’s sit.”

  She took the loveseat and I took the couch. “We’re going to…” Josh started.

  “Go somewhere a little less awkward than here,” Jagger finished.

  “Nice,” Sam replied. They both came around the loveseat and took turns hugging her.

  “You got the keys?” Jagger asked.

  “I’m all set. Thank you again,” she said with a soft smile. Was she moving back in after we moved post-graduation? Just waiting for me to leave?

  “I keep it for a reason. I’m just glad it’ll be of use. Text when you get there, and soak up that Colorado sunshine.” He hugged her again and left us alone.

  “You’re leaving.” My voice came out a hell of a lot mellower than I felt.

  “So are you,” she answered.

  “Not for two more months. You’re running away. From what? Me? Us?” I leaned forward to where our knees almost touched.

  “It’s actually the opposite. Harrison? My ex? Turns out I’m not the only student he slept with. I have an enemy in the registrar’s office, and she’s been altering my transcript every time I apply to a new school. Given the harassing emails she’s sent me, my guess would be she’s done the same to the other girls.”

  “Damn. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  She sagged. “Because I thought I deserved it? If getting into college with an assault on my discipline report is my penance, then fine. I deserve it. But when she started adding cheating, and plagiarism, and failing grades? That’s where I draw the line. I shouldn’t be held accountable for things I didn’t do.”

  “You shouldn’t have to suffer. Not for any of this.”

  “Well, that’s where I set this right. I have to go back to Colorado. I have to help those other girls, and myself. I deserve a future. And so do they.”

  Pride swelled in my chest. She wouldn’t fight for herself, but she’d don battle armor and face down her biggest fears if someone else was being bullied. “You deserve the best future.” With me. “What about classes here?”

  “With the damage to campus, they’re allowing a full refund of tuition, but my English prof said I could finish by correspondence. There are good things about the age of Skype.”

  I grasped. “Like long-distance relationships?”

  Sam avoided my eyes. “You chose North Carolina.”

  The weight of responsibility was getting so damn h
eavy. “My family is there. My dad’s boatworks, my sisters, my mother. Parker is a damn mess, and I struck an idiotic deal with my dad that Joey could take over the shop as long as I did, too. I can’t break that promise. She’d be devastated.”

  “I know.” Her eyes met mine, and what I saw there threatened to cripple me. Love shone through, as tangible as anything I’d ever run my fingers through. Love, acceptance, and regret all in one soulful gaze. “One of the things I love about you is your loyalty, your sense of duty.”

  “It took me away from you after you’d been hurt.”

  “Yeah, it did. I’m not new to this lifestyle, Grayson. It’s all I’ve ever known. Mom left a lot. I had babysitters, nannies, random friends that I lived with for a year or so during deployments. It wasn’t until I met Ember that I had another family unit to latch on to. It sucked as a kid, but I never doubted that my mother was made of magical, incredible things to be able to dedicate herself like that to an ideal. I resented a lot about our life, but never her. And I didn’t resent you when I woke up and you weren’t there.”

  “I resented it.”

  She leaned forward and set her hand on my knee. “I know. You have that same loyalty in you that my mom does. That same unwavering dedication. To the military, to your family. That’s why I understand that you need to go back to North Carolina while you can, because you don’t know where you’ll be stationed next. I get it, and if I tried to change that about you, then you wouldn’t be…you. I would never ask you to be someone you’re not.”

  My hand covered hers, regret washing away every other emotion. “If I’d chosen Colorado?”

  Her eyes widened. “But you didn’t, and it’s too late to change it now. Everything is in North Carolina for you. And now that Grace is awake…”

  “She has nothing to do with this. I swear it to you. Yes, she’s my best friend, and that’s probably not going to change, but I am in love with you, Sam. Not Grace.”

  She shook her head slowly and blinked back tears. “She has everything to do with this, Grayson. She’s in everything about you. You prayed for a miracle. I’m doing my best to give you that. Go back to North Carolina. See how things happen with Grace, or if they happen at all. I need to go back to Colorado and ‘pull my shit together,’ as this great guy once told me. We want different things.” Her voice broke and took me with it.

  I slid to my knees and reached for her, bringing her to the floor with me and into my arms. “There has to be another way. I don’t accept this.” She curled into me, sobs softly racking her tiny frame as I adjusted her on my lap, careful not to injure her broken arm or tear the stitches on the other one.

  “I just want you to be happy,” she whispered against my neck in between tears. Chills raced down my skin, and I held her a little tighter, but it didn’t stop her body from shaking.

  “I’ve never been as happy as I am with you.”

  “Me, either.”

  I drew back, cupping her face in my hands, memorizing each line, every flicker of emotion. “Tell me why we can’t make this work. Because these excuses are all bullshit. Tell me why two adults who love each other can’t find a way to be together. I fucking love you, Sam. I’m not willing to let that go.”

  I thumbed away another tear as it slipped down her face.

  “I love you, too, so much that it hurts to breathe. Right now, here in Alabama, we’re in a bubble of time. That bubble is popping, and you and I want two very different things. I want to graduate from the college I worked my ass off in. You want to be close to your family. I love you, but…but I’m choosing me.”

  “I understand.”

  “Do you?”

  “I can’t be mad at you for wanting the same thing that I did. I fought for the Citadel, and despite my parents being extremely upset with my choice to leave after the accident, I went. I chose me. I chose not to wither there as Grace wasted away. So yes, I understand.”

  She ran her fingers down my cheek. “I have to take accountability for my actions and face my demons, or I never will.”

  I kissed her, pressing our lips together in a soft promise that I understood. “I’m so damn proud of you. I just wish I could help you do it.”

  She laughed through her tears. “I think that would be cheating.”

  “Your mom told me, ‘right people, wrong time,’ when you were in the hospital. I was so scared you wouldn’t wake up, that I’d be sitting next to your bed for the next five years.”

  “Grayson, I would never ask you to do that.”

  “But I would, and it wouldn’t be out of guilt, like a lot of Grace was. It would be because there’s no woman like you on this planet. No one else that can piss me off and make me laugh all in the same breath. No one else pushes me to the brink of every known emotion and then reels me back in the way you do.”

  “Right people. Wrong time,” she repeated, this time kissing me, sucking on my lower lip gently.

  “What about when it’s the right time?” I asked.

  “What?”

  I nodded, more to myself than anything. Yes. This can work. “We aren’t the fish and the bird, Sam. One day you’ll finish college, and as soon as I can get Dad to let Joey take over without me, I’ll be clear. You’re my right person. My only person. I’ll wait for you.”

  She lunged, kissing me like this was the last possible time she’d ever be able to. Our tongues met in a fury of open mouths and soft moans. God, I’d missed the taste of her. She ran her fingers through my hair, and I slanted my mouth over hers again and again, unwilling to stop, because I knew our bubble was popping.

  Finally, she pulled back, gasping for breath. “I love you, Grayson. You spent five years waiting, and I won’t ask you to do that for me. I won’t let you.” She pushed back, stumbling to her feet, and then ran out the door. The slamming sound echoed in my heart, shattering everything I’d held on to.

  When I finally found the strength to stand, I made my way to the door, like she’d still be standing there. Instead, I found it, the ace of hearts, her last card, lying on the entry hall table.

  “I’m incredibly selfish but stupidly selfless only when it comes to you. I won’t let you put your life on pause for one more day. Not on account of me.” The words were scrawled in permanent marker.

  She’d written them before she came, because she knew what I would do, even when I didn’t. I grasped my forgotten beer from the coffee table and downed the bottle. Five months with her, around her, and the girl knew me better than I knew myself.

  But she couldn’t stop me from waiting on her any more than she could stop me loving her.

  There were some things even Samantha Fitzgerald couldn’t boss around.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Sam

  Six of us stared at each other as we sat around the coffee table, sipping steaming mochas at Montague’s coffee shop in Colorado Springs.

  We were all different in some respect. We were blond, brunette, even the lone redhead. We were tall, short, thin, curvy, heads of the class, and…not. Hell, the only thing we all had in common was that we’d all been played by Harrison Proctor.

  Well, that and we were all being victimized for it.

  “We’re due to see the Dean in an hour. Are you all ready for this?” I asked, and laid my binder-clipped stack of emails on the table with my good arm. Two more weeks and this thing was off. “Everyone is going to know what we did.”

  Carrie, a wide-eyed brunette, put her emails next to mine. “He needs to pay.”

  There was some mumbled assent.

  “No.” I shook my head. “This isn’t about Harrison. What he did to us was wrong, but come on, ladies. Did any of us not know that he was a professor? Were any of us led to think something else?”

  They dropped their eyes as I looked around the table.

  “This is about Michelle, and what she’s doing to us. If we go in there acting like some spoiled school girls bent on revenge because the guy we were screwing lied to us, we’ll fail.” />
  “What he did was wrong,” the redhead, Lesley, added.

  “Yeah, it was. But we were wrong, too. All of us. If we want our lives, our transcripts, our futures back, we’re going to have to own up to that. Our dirty little secret is about to be exposed to everyone. If you’re not okay with that, it’s time to duck out. We’re stronger together, but I’m not going to ask anyone to wade through their personal hell for me if they’re not willing.”

  Thwack. Thwack. One by one, packages of emails landed on the table until all six of us had laid our nightmares bare.

  An hour later, we stood outside the Dean of Student’s office, all dressed in varying degrees of business attire. Okay, so maybe Lisa looked a little Legally Blonde, but I think we presented an adult and united front.

  We weren’t children to be taken advantage of.

  His secretary, a darling silver-haired woman with cat-eye spectacles, assessed us as we waited by her desk. “And you’re all here to see him?’ she asked.

  “We are.”

  “Okay, then,” she answered with a sweet, tolerant smile and disappeared into Dean Miller’s office.

  “Last chance,” I said softly, looking at the girls gathered around me.

  They formed a line and stepped forward. When the time came, we walked into Dean Miller’s office with shaking smiles and clutched papers. I took front and center while the girls fanned out behind me.

  The Dean sat behind a large mahogany desk framed by a stunning view of the Front Range behind him. “Miss Fitzgerald, I didn’t realize you’d be bringing an army with you,” he said with a furrowed forehead.

  “I’m sorry, Dean Miller, but I wasn’t sure who would want to come forward when I made the appointment.”

  “When you made the appointment, I thought you’d want to discuss your assault on Professor Proctor last year.” His eyes darted to the other five females. “Now I’m not so sure.”

  My face heated, and I took a huge breath. Here we go. “What I did was wrong, and I am willing to answer whatever disciplinary action you require of me in order to finish my degree here.”