“So …” Declan stepped forward, and for a second, Justin thought he was going to sit down beside him the same Cassie had done.
Declan carried on, walking down the steps and out into the field that fed directly from the rear the house.
“It’s a nice night, isn’t it?” Declan asked, looking up at the stars, the darkness all but swallowing him.
“It’s a beauty, that’s for sure,” Justin said, getting up from the step.
“I’m sorry,” Declan spoke, turning his back on his brother to look down the field and into the void that lay beyond. Declan had grown fond of the darkness, finding a comfort he had never noticed before in the endlessness of it. When everything around you turned to black, then there were no walls to your cage, and the only thing holding you back was your own perception of where you were.
“Sorry for what?” Justin asked, moving down to stand beside his brother.
“For everything. For coming here.” Declan let out a sigh.
“How much did you hear?” Justin asked, feeling the same awkwardness building between them.
“Enough,” Declan turned, and his eyes glistened in the dark, wet with tears.
“Listen, I’m sorry, I just … I –”
“I get it. You’re not lying, don’t worry. I feel it too. It’s like we are strangers to one another,” Declan said, cutting his brother off.
“Exactly. I want you here, Dec, I want you in my life and as part of my family, but I want my brother back too.” Justin felt the surge of emotion hit him but refused to let himself cry.
“We are still brothers, it’s just that a lot of crap has gone on over the years, and well, we just need to gather the pieces again.” Declan stepped forward, his hand suddenly raised. “Don’t move.”
Reaching out, he quickly grabbed something from Justin’s shoulder and threw it into the night. “Bug,” he said. “I know how much you don’t like them.”
Justin took a step back. “That’s exactly it. You know I never used to like them, but I faced that fear a while back while processing everything that happened. I’m good with bugs now. There’s even a photo somewhere of me holding a tarantula.”
“Oh, sorry, I just figured …” Declan stammered, lowering his eyes to the floor. “It’s strange, isn’t it, how you can live with someone for so long, and still feel like strangers?”
“I think that’s the problem. I think that’s why it’s so easy with Cassie and the kids.” Justin felt himself loosen up, spurred on by the admission that his brother felt it too.
“What is?” Declan looked up.
“Because to them, you are a stranger. It’s the first time you have met them, they don’t know anything. But with us, we know each other, we know the darkest secrets and have lived through more than most people should ever have to know about.” Justin felt as if he was raising his voice, but Declan gave no indication that he needed to calm down.
“So, you’re saying it’s always going to be like this?” Declan asked.
“No, just, well, we are not the same people we were back then. We have the same history, and the same secrets, but who we are now, is not who we were then. Me, I’ve changed. With the fear of bugs, and being able to talk about mum and dad without cramping up in fear that they would come running if I said their name too loud. You, I mean, you went to prison, for me. You sacrificed your entire life, and that is on me.” While Justin had started off with one plan in his mind, his heart had taken over, and the words were flowing with no sign of being tamed.
“What are you talking about, bro? You’re not to blame.” Declan paused for a second, before stepping closer to his brother. Justin flinched, not in fear, but because he wasn’t ready yet. There was still more to say.
“Like hell I’m not! You killed dad for what he was doing to me, and that changed your life forever. I see you in there, with the kids, and with us, laughing and joking and it is killing me to know I took away your chance at having all that.” The tears were flowing now, scalding tears, the likes of which Justin hadn’t felt for many years. “I can’t take that back, and you should hate me for having what I have.”
“Hate you? That’s insane. You’re my brother, I am proud of what you have accomplished. You worked hard and changed your life around.” Declan’s eyes were filled with tears.
“That might be, but it cost you yours.” Now Justin was shouting.
“No,” Declan argued, his voice loud, but more with a plea than with anger.
“Why don’t you hate me?” Justin yelled, feeling the walls inside his mind crumble as the emotions overflowed.
His head pounded and spittle flew from his lips in thick stands as he wept before his brother.
“You should resent me.” Justin dropped to his knees.
“I love you. You’re my baby brother, and I’m just sorry you had to live with what you did, for so long. It should be me asking you for forgiveness.” Declan took hold of Justin and hauled him to his feet, pulling him into a bear hug, squeezing him so tightly that Justin couldn’t breathe. His bones ached from the force of the embrace, but neither man wanted to let go.
Both men were weeping, finding support in the other as much as they looked to offer it in return.
“Daddy?” Chelsea was standing in the kitchen doorway, the lights of the house burning behind her.
“Yes, honey?” Justin asked, wiping his eyes as he tried to regain his composure.
“Is everything okay? Why are you yelling?” Her voice was timid, unused to raised voices.
“I’m not yelling, sweetie, me and your uncle Declan were just talking, that’s all. I guess we got a little carried away.” Justin felt his brother close to him, a strong hand on resting on his shoulder.
“Are you sure?” Chelsea asked, her inquisitive nature shining through.
“I’m sure, honey. Go on inside and ask your sister to make you some cocoa, it’s almost time for bed.” Justin’s voice had regained its normal composure, and Chelsea accepted his answer without any further questions.
“Thank you,” Justin said to his brother, without turning around.
“No sweat, that’s what big brothers are for,” Declan answered, his hand disappearing from his brother’s shoulder. “I think I’m going to hang around out here for a little while longer.”
Justin walked inside, feeling better about himself that he had in days. A weight had been lifted from his shoulders, and he felt as if he could breathe again. He was sure that he would sleep like a baby once he got to bed.
The kids had dispersed from the kitchen, heading to their rooms. They had a bedtime, and they stuck to it well. They each had a TV in their room, and often Tammy, their eldest, would usually watch TV until late, which was fine, just not on school nights.
Justin checked everything was turned off and slid into the bedroom. Cassie was asleep, stretched diagonally across the bed, the bottle of wine on the bedside table all but empty. The empty glass laid on its side on the bedside table, down like a king piece on the chessboard, a sign of her surrender to the day, and to the demons of yesterday.
Justin took hold of his wife and rolled her over, her skirt riding up to reveal her lack of underwear. “I’m all yours,” she slurred to Justin, wrapping her arms around him.
“No, not tonight.” He tried to break her embrace. “You’ve had too much,”
Cassie’s eyes snapped open, blazing with a fiery anger. “Oh, there we go again. Cassie, you drink too much. Cassie has a problem.” She tried to roll away from him and only succeeded in falling from the bed.
“Honey, are you alright?” Justin asked, moving to stand.
Cassie’s head appeared, and a goofy laugh escaped her. “Well, maybe this time you’re right. I’ve had like one too many, just one. A little bit.”
She laughed as she pushed herself to her feet, ripping open her blouse, sending buttons flying in all directions, their impact sounding like hailstones as they pinged off the wall, and the wine bottle, which gave a near musical cl
ink. “Take me, baby.”
Cassie fell on her husband, wearing only her bra, and while Justin wanted to refuse, his body had other ideas. He just hoped that Cassie wouldn’t wake the kids, as she was not a quiet lover when drunk.
Chapter Nine
Justin was awake long before Cassie. Rising, he showered and shaved, getting himself ready for the day. He was careful not to make too much noise but also knew that after a night like the previous one, Cassie would sleep through a tornado and wake up without a clue of anything having occurred while she slept.
As he left the room, Justin made sure to cover up her naked body. His wife usually only ever slept in the nude, but had a habit of losing the bedcovers too. He didn’t want the kids, or his brother, walking in and seeing her like that.
Once he was confident that what remained of her dignity was safely tucked away under the musical note-themed duvet cover, he turned and headed downstairs.
The kids were already down, and Tammy had made them all some cereal. They were sitting at the table in the kitchen, watching cartoons on the medium-sized TV that hung on the wall.
“Morning, guys, any plans for the day?” Justin asked as he flicked on the coffee maker, chiding himself at forgetting to set the timer. Grabbing a bottle of water while he waited, he stole a piece of toast from the table and waited for an answer.
“I’m heading out with Mary and Tina,” Tammy said, turning her head from the TV. “We’re heading to the mall to catch a movie. Can I have some money?”
Tammy knew her father was a pushover, but batted her eyelids at him anyway.
“Sure thing,” Justin said, swapping the coffee pot out for a cup, unwilling to wait any longer for his morning jolt.
“What about you two? Any crazy adventures planned?”
Chelsea giggled. “Uncle Declan was going to take us for a walk through the woods. I want to collect some pine cones.”
“Sounds like fun, can I tag along?” Justin asked, eager to spend some more time with his brother.
He had laid awake the night before, still unable to turn his mind off, even after he and Cassie had undoubtedly woken the neighbors. He’d had an idea that, as usual, arrived just before he fell asleep, the sudden clarity finally allowing his mind the peace and quiet it needed to shut down. He just needed to suggest it.
Declan came downstairs an hour later, his hair ruffled by sleep and a strand of cotton stuck to his beard. The girls giggled, and Chelsea took great pleasure in pulling it free. “It looks like a spider made a web in your beard, Uncle Declan.”
“Thank goodness you caught it early then,” Declan said, ruffling the top of her head. “Morning, brother. Is the coffee ready?”
“Sure is, made it good and strong,” Justin said, moving to one side to let Declan get at the things he needed.
“Yeah, I imagine you need to get your energy levels back up and running this morning.” Declan winked at his brother, and Justin felt his face turn red immediately. The heat radiated from him. “Don’t worry, it’s a good thing you still can still make that much noise together.”
Declan spoke under his breath so the kids wouldn’t hear and punched his brother on the arm, just as he used to do when they were kids.
“Hey, man, I was thinking. Why don’t you and I take a trip together?” Justin turned to face his brother, setting his coffee mug onto the side.
“You mean like go shopping or something? I do need to expand my wardrobe a little.” Declan looked down at the Zeppelin T-shirt that he was wearing.
“No, I mean a real trip. Get away from every for a few days. Just the two of us. We could go do something fun,” Justin suggested.
“You mean like camping or something?” Declan’s eyes turned toward the ceiling and he started nodding his head.
“Something like that, sure. There’s plenty of cool places, and we could do some things while we are there, you know, like bonding things.” Justin felt a little silly talking in such terms, but he wanted to have a relationship with his brother, and that meant they needed to start a new one together.
“You mean like rafting and hiking some crazy trails, build up a new set of memories with us as the people we are now?” Declan continued to nod his head as he talked, the idea not only growing on him but consuming his mind.
“Exactly.” Justin smiled.
“That’s a great idea. Get away, just the two of us, we can have some drinks, have some adventures. I’m sold. When do we leave? I’m a very light packer these days.” Declan smiled and took a big gulp of coffee. “Do you guys have any bacon left?”
Declan made a fried breakfast for him and his brother, making sure he made enough bacon for the kids too because even while they all said they didn’t want anything, three sets of eyes watched the crispy bacon rashers with mouth-watering interest.
“There’s some in the pan still,” Declan said without looking at the kids, almost as an aside, dropping a subtle hint for them to follow.
The sound of scraping chairs rang out as all three hurried over to the pan.
“Hey, that pan is hot, let Tammy dish it all up for you,” Justin added as he burst the yolk of his egg, stabbing it with a bacon spear.
“Tam, you mind if Declan and I tag along on the way to the mall? We can take my car and we’ll either come pick you up later or just wait for you and we can drive back together,” Justin spoke, as he finished his breakfast and sat back from the table. “Before you roll your eyes or anything, I promise we won’t cramp your style or anything.”
“Ugh,” Tammy said, rolling her eyes, not at the suggestion, but at her father’s continued insistence that he had even the vaguest understanding of what was cool.
“I’ll take that as a yes,” Justin said as he cleared that table.
It was already ten-thirty, and there was no sign of Cassie. Justin pondered going to wake her but thought better of it. Let her sleep it off.
While the kids got ready, Declan did the dishes, something he insisted on doing by hand, rather than using the machine. Justin took the moment and disappeared into his office to tidy up a few things he needed to get squared away. While he was there, he browsed the net for some possible camping locations where he and Declan could go. He also wrote Cassie a note so that when she woke up, she wouldn’t panic at being alone.
With the note left beside the bed, swapping it out for the wine bottle and glass, the kids ready and the emails he needed to do all typed up and sent, the family bundled into the car and were off.
The peril of taking the two younger kids with them meant it became a trip that involved spending a lot of time in both the bookstore and the toy store, and when they finally made it to a clothes shop, the items they were looking at were not suitable for grown men at all, and thankfully not available in any sizes that came close to fitting.
“Would you look at this ugly thing?” Justin said, picking up a giant stuffed spider toy. Its body was the size of a football, with eight hairy legs and a set of thick black fangs curving down from its mouth.
“It’s a stuffed monstrosity,” Declan said, pretending to shiver at the sight of the toy.
“There’s more of them, look.” Justin moved around the display case and saw three more giant bug toys. A scorpion, a millipede, or centipede, the number of legs was completely disproportionate for either creature, so identification was impossible. The last toy was a strange-looking creature that appeared to be a mix between a spider and a crab, with long pincers that seemed to fold inwards on themselves via an elbow joint. Picking up the toy, Justin pulled on the pincer and it extended, showing two rows of fluffy teeth.
“Who in the world would buy this stuff for their kids?” Declan asked, staring at the pile of bug dolls.
“And for this price too. Look.” Justin held up the price tag.
“Fuck me,” Declan said a little too loud. “Sorry,” he said to the young mother standing close by, a toddler pulling at her leggings with one hand, while his other clutched some sort of car, which clearly h
eld great meaning and importance in his life.
“I’m happy for them to stay that price as long as they don’t get that big in real life,” Justin said, returning the weird creature to the pile. “I can cope with most bugs now, but something like that? Hell no.”
“Toys sure have changed a since I was a kid,” Declan said as they walked out of the shop and leaned against the railing of the third-floor shopping level.
Behind them was a drop down into a large water feature, which served as the central meeting point for the mall. Inside, they could see Chelsea and her sister Rebecca looking around the shelves, trying hard to decide what one thing they were going to get, while both making no attempt to hide the fact they each already had one item and were looking for a second.
“They know you’re a pushover, don’t they?” Declan said, laughing.
“Oh yeah, that’s why they come here with me and not their mum,” Justin said.
The kids waved their dad down when they were ready, and each managed to convince him to buy two things each. Once they had rung up the total, Justin went to put everything in the car, while Declan took the girls to the food court.
He met them just in time to place his order. They ate their food and chatted, trying to come to a shared consensus over the film they wanted to see. Declan jokingly suggested a horror movie, to which Rebecca was worryingly quick to agree to. Justin wanted an action movie, joining in on the fun, and ultimately, they ended up at the latest Pixar release with talking machines and a storyline that was stronger than most other movies Justin had seen in recent times.
They returned home with a car filled with things, including a lot of stuff for Declan, who had been hesitant to abuse his brother’s bank card at first but eventually came to realize that there were a lot of essentials that he still didn’t own.
Cassie was waiting for them, busy cooking a large roast dinner. Having had the house to herself most of the day, she had cleaned, tidied, and cooked. It was her idea of heaven, and her good mood reflected the day she had had.
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