Marrying Mr Write

by Cassandra P Lewis

  I woke to Matthew calling my name and shaking me gently. It took a moment to realise where I was but as soon as I did I sat bolt upright and reached for my clothes. Matthew didn’t say anything, he just picked up his car keys and we headed back to the hospital.

  “How is she?”

  I ask Bernie as we approach down the corridor. I have calmed down a little now compared to twenty minutes ago when Matthew told me that Rafe and his parents had already made their way to the hospital. But I am still annoyed that they left me asleep and came here without me, and I can’t pretend otherwise as I stare through the window into Rosie’s room.

  “She’s ok, no change apparently. I’m sorry that we left without you,” Bernie adds, sensing my mood, “We just thought you needed a bit of extra sleep honey, you need all your strength to take care of her.”

  Bernie looks through the window at her husband and youngest child. She is shaken but is one of the strongest women that I’ve ever met. She won’t shed a tear until everyone else has shed theirs. I can’t help but admire and envy her strength, and I soften at her words.

  The doctor arrives to check on Rosie and administer some more drugs and I follow him into the room, with Bernie and Rafe hot on my heels.

  “Are you all family? I imagine this is quite a shock for you to see her like this, but I assure you we’re doing all we can to take care of Rosetta. I’m going to give her some morphine now. We don’t want her in any unnecessary pain do we?”

  “It’s just so strange, Rosie doesn’t get ill. She doesn’t even take paracetamol.”

  Bernie is rambling and my head is spinning. I can hear my heart pounding in my ears as my heated blood rushes around my body. I’m anxious at the thought of the drugs that are being pumped into her, into the baby…

  “Doctor, wait! She’s pregnant... I suppose you need to know that?” The words are out of my mouth before I can think and my soon to be in laws look at me in complete shock, “I’m sorry everyone, I didn’t know myself until a couple of nights ago.”

  I stand back against the far wall as Bernie takes her daughter’s hand in her own and begins to sob.

  “Right, Thanks. I’ll erm, arrange an ultrasound”

  The doctor leaves the room and everything falls silent, I can see Rafe talking to me but I can’t hear him, I can’t hear anything. The room starts to spin as Rafe rushes in my direction…

  “Jackson, can you hear me mate?”

  Rafe is kneeling over me as I open my eyes. As my head clears I realise that I must have passed out. I try to sit up, “Easy Jackson, go easy!”

  Rafe helps me up to sitting and I lean back against the wall. I look up toward Rosie’s bed to see Joaquin and Bernie looking at me with eyes full of concern, I realise in that moment that I’m truly part of this family. They care about me, they accept and trust me and I’ve let them down, I’ve let Rosie down. This is all my fault.

  “Oh goodness me, what’s happened here then?” A young nurse has entered the room with a machine on a trolley and is looking down at me curiously, “He passed out for a moment, I think he’s ok?” Rafe looks up at her for confirmation of his suspicions, “Oh dear it’s probably all just a bit much to take in. Are you ok to get up in the chair and we’ll check your blood pressure?”

  “I’m fine, don’t worry about me. Are you here to do a scan?” I don’t care about me. I just need to know if Rosie and the baby are ok, “Yes sweetheart, are you her husband?” I can see in her eyes that she doesn’t expect this to go well, “Fiancé. Can I stay?” I push myself up to standing and walk over to hold Rosie’s hand, “Course you can love, not all of you though ok?” Bernie starts to usher Joaquin and Rafe out of the room as the nurse starts to speak again, “Do you want anyone to stay in with you?”

  “Bernie, will you stay?” I can’t do this alone.

  “Of course I will son.” Bernie looks at me with tears in her eyes and comes to stand by my side, taking my hand in hers.

  Another person comes into the room and introduces herself as the sonographer but I don’t care who she is, I just want them to get on with it. I just need to know.

  The nurse finishes setting up the machine and the sonographer turns to me, “Right then, how far along is she?” The question stumps me; it’s not something that I thought to ask while I was telling her to get rid of it. I shake my head, “I’m sorry, I don’t know!” I try to work it out in my head, “She’s got to be at least three weeks. She doesn’t have a belly at all.”

  It sounds stupid saying it but that’s all I have to go on.

  “Right, so we’re fairly early on then. We’ll see how we get on with this but we may need to do a different type of scan with her not being very far along, ok?”

  I nod and the sonographer pulls down the blankets. As she lifts Rosie’s gown carefully so as not to expose her too much, the bruising on her ribs, hip and stomach take my breath away. Bernie has to sit down but she doesn’t let go of my hand. I look up to see the sonographer exchange a glance with the nurse that makes me squeeze Rosie’s hand a little tighter.

  I can’t see what she’s looking at on the screen. She squirted gel onto Rosie’s belly and is now moving some sort of wand around while she stares at a screen and clicks buttons on the machine.

  It took about ten minutes before she wiped the wand clear and placed it back on the trolley before gently wiping the gel from Rosie’s skin and covering her back up.

  She takes a breath and turns to me, “Ok. You can obviously see how badly injured Rosetta is,” she pauses and Bernie starts to sob, “There is evidence of a pregnancy that is about seven to eight weeks along, but there’s no heartbeat. I’m sorry. We will need to treat Rosie to remove what’s left of the pregnancy, but given her current state, we do need the permission of her next of kin to go ahead.”

  It all sounds so clinical, it’s is made worse by the silence as Bernie waits for me to answer, “I’m not listed as Rosie’s next of kin yet Bernie.”

  Even I don’t recognise my voice; it’s almost a whisper as I struggle to form words. She looks up at me and I see strong Bernie return as I try to process everything. She knows that she needs to do this for Rosie. The sense of purpose gives her the strength to stand up and leave the room with the nurse and sonographer to sign the relevant forms.

  I sit in Bernie’s vacated chair as the words ‘remove what’s left of the pregnancy’ ring in my ears. I take Rosie’s hand to my mouth and kiss it softly as sadness overwhelms me, “Oh Rosie, please forgive me. I’m so so sorry.”

  They brought Rosie around the day after the procedure and at my request they allowed me to explain to her all that had happened.

  She was heartbroken of course.

  I’ll never forget the sound of her sobbing for as long as I live. It was the heartbroken cry of someone completely powerless to change the past. She blamed herself for being so careless and to my complete surprise she forgave me without question.

  The next couple of days were a blur of physiotherapy, pain management and recovery plans. I was only allowed in to see Rosie during visiting hours and we used that time to try and move forward but I couldn’t tell her enough how sorry I am or how much I love her. I needed her to know, to trust it.

  After a day or two of us beating ourselves up, Rosie painted on a brave face and said it was time to move on, but as I sit here holding her hand and preparing to take her home, I’m not sure that I can.

  “I thought I was going to lose you. I was terrified." I shake my head as the image of her lying there unconscious floods my mind, “Jackson...” Rosie reaches for my hand to try and reassure me, “When you left me that night you were so angry and you had every right to be. I thought that was it. I’d lost you. In the past I had never let myself think about settling down. I’d never allowed myself the daydream about playing football with my son or watching from the window as my daughter teaches herself to ride her bike.” I smile as I remember Joaquin’s story and the mental image of little determined Rosetta Alvez.
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  "Being with you and being around your family makes me realise how much I do want it all. If it’s with you, I can take on the world. When you left me and then when I saw you in here in this room, with wires and bandages everywhere, I thought my world would end. I felt seventeen again. Don’t leave me Rosie, don't ever leave me. I’ll be better I promise."

  She didn’t respond to me, she just asked me to hold her, and I happily obliged.

  “Are you ready then hop along?”

  I’m standing next to Rosie's bed with a wheelchair. She’s allowed to come home today just as long as she isn’t left unsupervised, and I make sure she continues her physiotherapy.

  “Yep, just about.” Rosie struggles to lift herself up off the bed and I rush towards her, “Hey, go easy. You’ll do yourself an injury!” I wink as I lean in to kiss her and pick her up off the bed.

  “Practicing for our wedding night?” She giggles as I seat her carefully in the wheelchair, “Oh Alvez, on our wedding night I'll be throwing you over my shoulder and running to the bedroom. Don’t you go getting any ideas of it being romantic, I’ll be ravishing you woman!”

  Rosie laughs as Rafe and Pip walk in to the room to help us with the bags. After two days of sitting by Rosie’s side Joaquin finally managed to drag Bernie away. I promised that I would phone Bernie immediately with any updates and reluctantly she agreed to go home.

  There’s no elevator in Rosie’s building and even though she’s tiny, I’m knackered after carrying her up two flights of stairs and am pleased to finally put her down on the bed. I help her to get comfortable and kiss her on the forehead before speaking.

  “Right, Pip is going to stay here with you. I need to nip back to the flat and get a few bits. I’ll be straight back, are you ok?”

  I need to go and get some things so that I don’t need to leave again anytime soon, but the thought of leaving Rosie like this worries me sick.

  “Don’t go!” She reaches out her hands for mine and pouts as I sit down on the bed next to her.

  “Baby, I won’t be long I promise. I’ll get enough stuff so that I don’t need to go home again all week,” I smile and kiss her as I stand to leave, “Get all your stuff!”

  I look at Rosie and she smiles sheepishly toward me, “What do you mean?” I know what she is saying, but I want to hear her say the words, “I never want you to have to go home again. Well, I want this to be your home, or somewhere else that’s ours. I want us to live together.” She blushes and I lean down and kiss her, “I love you so much Rosie.”

  I can’t keep the smile from my face as I leave the flat. We’re going to have a place that’s ours, and I’m going to make sure that it’s perfect.

  “Wow, big step RoRo, you’ll be getting engaged soon…oh wait!” Pip remarks sarcastically when I tell her that I asked Jackson to move in with me, “Ok you can say I told you so!”

  “No need, you know that I did!” We both laugh as Pippa hands me my coffee.

  “Come on then, tell me how you really feel about everything.”

  I thought I was done talking through everything that has happened, but I should have known this was coming. Pippa knows me better than I know myself, she can see straight through me.

  “I don’t know Pip. I’m sad, I thought I was going to have a baby and that was my last waking thought before Jackson telling me that it was gone. I don’t know how to deal with that really. It’s just gone and there’s nothing that I can do to change it.” Tears are starting to build in my eyes and there’s a lump in my throat as I open up to my best friend.

  “What about erm, the abortion stuff?” Pip lowers her voice as she asks, “I really don’t want to think about it. Jackson said the first thing that came into his mind, he panicked. He’s really sorry and he knows now that he does want kids in the future. What if I can’t though Pip?”

  “What do you mean? Why wouldn’t you be able to? You’ve been pregnant twice before Rosie, there’s no reason you shouldn’t get pregnant again!”

  “But really Pip, I killed them both. One by choice, one by carelessness!” I am crying now as I face up to what I’ve been trying to ignore, “Rosie no, don’t you dare! What happened eleven years ago was horrible and you did not deserve any of it, nobody could ever blame you for getting rid of that baby. How could you be expected to carry the product of that bastard for nine months? And this, the accident, it was just that Rosie, an accident. You are going to be an amazing mother RoRo, I know it!”

  Pippa reaches across the bed and holds my hands; I don’t know where I would be without her.

  “Anyway, in other news… Mr Benjamin Long is moving to London!” She smiles at her change of subject and I immediately brighten up, “When? Is he moving in with you?” I am curious, the only man that Pippa has ever lived with is Rafe.

  “Don’t know yet and don’t know yet! He’s been offered a job but it doesn’t start until August so he’s going to work back home for the summer and save what he can and then we’ll see where we’re at closer to the time. As it stands, I would love him to move in with me but don’t know if it’s too soon. By August though, things might be different.”

  “Pip, that’s amazing. I’m so happy things are going well for you two. Do you lurve him?” I tease and she rolls her eyes, “Do you want to kiss him? Want to hug him? Want to smooch him? Wan…”

  “What I want Rosetta Alvez is to fuck his brains out but I’m not seeing him for nearly two weeks, so a change of subject would be lovely!”

  We both laugh, Pip and Rafe are the only people in the world who can make me pour my heart out, cry my eyes out and laugh till my belly hurts all within the space of an hour. I need them more than they could know.

  “What about this one?” Jackson holds the details of an apartment in Canary Wharf in front of me, “Its way out of our price range and it’s really, I don’t know, ‘bachelor pad’ comes to mind!” I screw up my nose and pick up the details of the Covent Garden apartment again, “You really like that one don’t you?” Jackson takes the details from my hands, “Yeah, I don’t really know why but it just seems like the one to me,” I blush slightly; I don’t want to seem like a diva, desperate to get my own way.

  “Then call them, let’s go and see it!” Jackson smiles as he leans over to kiss me before getting off the bed and walking toward the bathroom, “But I’m in charge of decorating!”

  “Fine by me James, I’ll just tell you when you’ve missed a bit!”

  Despite being in almost constant pain, hardly being able to walk to the toilet and trying to get my head around losing the baby, I’m happy. Jackson and I are moving forward, the only way is up as they say!

  “Good morning gorgeous, I made you a cuppa!”

  I wake to the sight of a shirtless Jackson carrying two steaming mugs into the bedroom.

  “Thanks babe, what time it is?” I’m a little groggy and in need of my painkillers, but his bare torso helps me feel a bit more alive.

  “It’s only half eight sweetie, sorry but we’ve got loads to get done so I thought an early start would be best.” Jackson hands me my mug and sits on the edge of the bed next to me, “That’s fine, I can think of a better way to wake me up than coffee though!” I try for a look of ‘sex goddess’ but I think the result is desperate horn dog.

  “Baby, I want to, but you know…and besides we have so much to do!”

  Things between me and Jackson since I came out of hospital two weeks ago have been great, except for one thing, sex! He won’t touch me. He is scared that he’s going to hurt me and won’t even entertain the thought until I’m fully healed, despite the doctors saying that it’s fine.

  “Fine! Coffee it is then, but you’re buying me lunch!”

  CHAPTER TWO

  Tom Odell croons through the speakers of the iPod dock as the April rain against the window plays percussion. I’m on top of the world today. Jackson and I are packing up his flat ready for the move into our new apartment in Covent Garden. It’s modern and contemporary,
not my usual style but I felt like a change. A new start!