In the Garden of Deceit (Book 4)

by Cynthia Wicklund

  “I am glad you have come to live with us, Amanda.”

  She turned her head to look at Huey and found him looking at her, his mien as guileless and innocent as any child’s. Emotion clogged her throat.

  “Oh, Uncle Huey, thank you.” She reached over and took his twisted hand, holding it gently. “I’m glad, also.”

  “You are angry with James, though, aren’t you?”

  Guileless—and intuitive.

  “I’m not…angry, exactly.”

  He watched her patiently, more adult in that moment than he had appeared before.

  “We had a misunderstanding, that is all,” she said.

  “Should I be angry with him, too?”

  She laughed. “No. I’m probably overreacting. I just can’t bring myself to believe that, yet.”

  “Can the misunderstanding be mended? Because I would feel sad if you went away.”

  Went away? What an awful thought, one she had not considered since her arrival, especially now that she had come to care for her new family.

  “I could never leave you, Uncle Huey. I’m here as long as you want me.”

  And James wants me.

  Expressionless, he watched her a moment more, then she saw the acceptance gather in his gaze. “Then you will be here a long time,” he said solemnly. He turned his nose skyward and within moments he was snoring softly.

  Amanda continued to hold his hand, drawing support from such genuine sweetness. The night of her ruined wedding she was convinced her life had taken a hellish turn. How surprised she would have been to realize that an angel, wearing the guise of a child in a man’s body, waited in her future to bring her perspective.

  She drew a deep breath and closed her eyes again.

  ***

  James, riding back from Huxley, saw the twins before they saw him. They were walking side by side, carrying on a lively dialogue if the animated waving of hands were any indication. The only time James saw Uncle Harry truly talk was when the twins were having a private conversation. He wondered whether he should interrupt them but decided to ride by without speaking would appear rude.

  “Hello!” he called, galloping up to the brothers. “What are you doing way out here?”

  “You’ve missed the fun,” Uncle Ham stated. “We have been on a picnic.”

  “We?”

  “Yes. Harry and I and,” he turned and pointed at the willow grove, “Huey and Amanda.”

  In the distance, James could see a blanket spread on the ground and two prone lumps he assumed were his wife and uncle.

  “Are they sleeping?”

  “So it would seem,” Ham said.

  James looked at the willow grove longingly, wishing Amanda were alone and he could once again talk to her. Given one more opportunity, maybe he could avoid whatever blunders he had made this morning. He wasn’t absolutely certain what those blunders were, but he wanted to try, nonetheless.

  “We were on our way back, about to rouse them. Join us,” Uncle Ham said.

  James dismounted, and the twins and he ambled companionably back to the grove. As they approached the sleeping pair all three men grew silent, James assuming his uncles were as affected as he by the tranquil scene.

  Amanda lay on her side next to Uncle Huey, looking so peaceful, James felt his chest tighten. She was beautiful, no doubt, but it wasn’t only her beauty that drew him now. It was her head just touching Huey’s, the protective way she held on to his hand, the sweet smile that curved her lips even in sleep.

  It took that moment, with absolute clarity, to tell him he must not lose her. If he needed a lifetime, then that was how long he would spend trying to convince her that he loved her. To be honest, he was only now becoming aware of how much he truly cared. It was a humbling realization.

  He had spent the days since their wedding obsessed with the desire to consummate his vows. An understandable need perhaps but less than noble when looking at their situation as a whole. He began to appreciate Amanda’s resentment and, as he watched her sleep peacefully, he vowed never to hurt her again. An impossible promise to keep most likely, but he was unwilling to admit that right now.

  James walked over and squatted next to her, shaking her shoulder gently.

  “Manda, time to go home.”

  Her lids flickered open, and she stared up at him dreamily, eyes unfocused. “Bluest sky I’ve ever seen,” she murmured, but her drowsy gaze never left his.

  James glanced heavenward. “Yes, beautiful,” he returned his attention to her, “as are you.”

  She reached up to touch his face, but it was as if she suddenly realized where she was and what she was doing. She blinked, her vision clearing, and sat up abruptly.

  “I must have fallen asleep.”

  “Appears you did,” James said, trying to control his disappointment at her sudden retreat.

  Huey stirred next to them. “I’m still tired. Do I have to wake up?”

  “Do you want to walk home alone, my good man?” Ham asked, a smile easing the stern words.

  Huey bolted upright, the fatigue falling off him in a trice, and reached for his shoes. “No, no. I will be ready in a moment. I just need to put on my shoes.”

  James stood up and, leaning down, helped Amanda to stand. He looked down at her bare feet, peeking from beneath the hem of her skirt.

  “Seems you need to put on your shoes as well, my dear,” he said, raising his brows at her. “The twins are right. I missed all the fun.”

  Amanda’s face colored, but Huey took it upon himself to explain.

  “We were dancing, James. And feeling the grass between our toes. It was wonderful. It was all Amanda’s idea.”

  “Was it, now?” James smiled at his wife’s sheepish expression before looking at the twins. “And I suppose you two participated in this spectacle?”

  Ham and Harry nodded in unison, both clearly unrepentant.

  “And a fine time was had by all,” Uncle Ham announced. “In fact, I intend on doing it again. You will join us, won’t you, Amanda?”

  “You know I would love nothing more,” she said.

  James bent over and picked up the picnic basket, tying it to his horse. “That’s all well and good, but you had better invite me next time. I hate missing all the fun.”

  Huey hooted delightedly. “James missed the fun! Missed the fu-un!”

  The others joined him. James shook his head, while a chorus of good-natured jeers was rained upon his head. Apparently, he was either ruining the fun—according to Derrick—or missing it altogether.

  Amanda hung on to Uncle Harry’s arm as she struggled into her stockings and boots. The men tactfully looked away to avoid seeing more than they should, although James watched her from the corner of his eye. She wore a sly smile as if the jesting at her husband’s expense greatly amused her. He did not mind. They could laugh at him all day if only she would continue to look that happy.

  “I see I have everyone’s respect today,” he said, hiding a grin of his own. “Since you’ve all had the pleasure of my wife’s company for these many hours, I’m going to steal her away. I’ll walk Amanda home and you jolly fellows can see to yourselves.”

  That, naturally, brought more derision from the men, but Amanda’s earlier good humor appeared to dissipate as he caught her looking at him apprehensively. Damn! was she afraid to be alone with him?

  Shortly thereafter the uncles took their leave. The blanket still lay on the ground and, plainly avoiding his eyes, Amanda reached for it. James grabbed the corners opposite her, hoping to appear helpful, but what he really wanted was to force her to acknowledge his presence. She set to the task at hand, without looking at him, increasing his frustration.

  As they came together with the last folds of the cloth, their fingers brushed. James halted, his hands closing over hers, the blanket between them. She raised a startled gaze to his. Now that he had her attention, he could not for the life of him think of what to say.

  “I’m sorry about this morni
ng,” he said at last, deciding that was a good place to start.

  Amanda glanced at their hands again, so that all he could see were her dark lashes fanned across her cheeks.

  “Perhaps,” she swallowed, “perhaps I am the one who should apologize.”

  James was so surprised all he could say was, “Why?”

  She tried to pull away from him but he tightened his grip on her.

  “Why?” he insisted.

  “I’m not sure exactly.” She looked at him, and her brown eyes were reddened with unshed tears. “You’ve been trying to mend the breach between us much more than I have. It’s only that…I can’t get passed this feeling of betrayal. You and Papa scheming.” She paused, her attitude at once defiant. “I don’t like feeling stupid, James.”

  “My dear, how can you feel stupid? It’s not your fault.”

  This time when Amanda struggled against him, he released her and she finished folding the blanket with hands that visibly shook. James took it from her, tossing it over the horse’s saddle.

  Her gaze traveled across the open meadow, seeming to settle on the distant figures of his uncles as they trudged on home. She was silent for a long time, but he sensed she was trying to tell him something. James remained still lest he interrupt what he assumed was a very tenuous moment. He wanted to hear what she had to say.

  “I’m going to try, James. I agree with you. This estrangement is not healthy. The die is cast and my future settled. I accept that.”

  The air seized in his lungs. Just as he was about to tell her she need not worry, that he had decided to release her from their bargain, she surrendered. Unsure how to respond, he stared at her open-mouthed.

  Every honorable instinct told him to give her time, to reassure her that he was willing to wait. But a baser part of him refused to cooperate. He didn’t want to wait.

  “You will participate?” he asked roughly.

  He had the horse’s reins in hand, towing the animal, as they began their own trek home. Amanda walked next to him, but she was looking down, and he could not see her expression. Thus all he had to go on was the rigid set of her back and an attitude that was hard to interpret.

  “Amanda?”

  “I don’t know, James. It’s not something I want to think about right now.”

  “I do. I want to know what to expect. Do I have a wife who welcomes me freely? Or can I expect only a grudging cooperation?”

  “What to expect? That would be nice, wouldn’t it? Certainly, I would like that understanding as well.”

  “You know exactly what to expect from me. I want you. I’ve never made a secret of it.”

  “Yes, if we are talking the basics. Not very flattering, however, when one expected so much more.”

  “Why are you making this more difficult?” he asked, stung.

  Amanda stopped, hands on hips. Her gaze was now direct, and it sparked black fire at him. “I am going to make my best effort to move beyond this thing. I haven’t a clue how long it will take, or how my feelings will change. Or if they will ever be the same. That is the best I can do for you right now. If that is not good enough, then so be it.”

  “Reluctant lovemaking is hardly inspiring,” he said coolly.

  “James, make up your mind. You told me my participation was unnecessary, only my cooperation. I intend to cooperate. If you require more than that then we are at a standstill.”

  “We can’t move forward if this is how you feel.”

  “I’m trying to be honest with you. There have been enough lies between us, enough dissembling—”

  He winced.

  “Not just you, James. I’ve been hiding my true feelings.”

  “Not well.”

  Amanda flung up her hands, clearly exasperated. “Perhaps, I haven’t. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you want promises. I can’t make you any.”

  “I’m not asking for promises.”

  “Yes, you are. You want to tell me not only what to do, but how to feel. Do you think I have the power to feel something simply because you want me to? I can’t change my feelings for myself, no matter how much I want it. How do you expect me to do it for you?”

  They finished their walk in stony silence. James was appalled that all his good intentions from only a short while ago could so easily be destroyed. He had meant to reassure her, to tell her he loved her. But fear of rejection, the conviction that she would treat his declaration with suspicion, kept him from saying what he knew she needed to hear. Unfortunately, she was correct. It was he who wanted reassurance, and he did not deserve it.

  As they reached the house, James turned toward the barn.

  “James?”

  He looked back. Her beauty at that moment was like a blow. The late afternoon sun shone off her dark hair, loose curls blowing gently around her face. The animosity she had exhibited earlier appeared to have left her but not her resolve.

  “You must decide what you want,” Amanda said. “Whatever that is, I will be ready. Tonight. And that is the only promise I can make you.”

  She left him there, staring after her retreating figure, and less sure of himself than he had ever been before. His thoughts slipped inward, aroused by the possibilities. Would he go to her tonight? James truly did not believe he had the willpower to stay away.

  ***

  CHAPTER 11

  Amanda bathed before dinner, fragrant water that lapped sensuously against her skin. Despite her desire to remain aloof, as she lay in the tepid bath, scenario after scenario trailed through her mind at what the coming night might bring. Never had she been more aware of her own body. She was filled with equal parts anticipation and dread.

  Interestingly, she had turned the tables on her husband. She was almost certain he had intended to come to her tonight. Now if he did, however, he was coming at her invitation rather than his insistence. The result was the same but it felt entirely different.

  She wondered where James was at the moment, assuming he was changing for dinner in another room. So far their forced cohabitation had not been as uncomfortable as she had feared it might be. Except for sharing a bed for the sake of appearances, there had been little conflict over privacy. She supposed he was being considerate of her sensibilities and then perversely feared he was avoiding her.

  Amanda dressed with extra care for the coming evening, a rose gown with high lace collar and gauzy silk sleeves to her elbows. She wore a modest hoop, which she infinitely preferred over the more extreme ones. Actually, she preferred no hoop at all, but fashion was fashion, and she was not a rebel. She did forego her gloves, though, since it was only a family gathering.

  With the help of Aunt Henry’s maid, her dark hair was twisted high on her head, a sprig of baby’s breath accenting the graceful knot. She completed her ensemble by screwing dangling garnets with tiny pearls on her ears and slipping a matching ring on her middle finger.

  Amanda stared in the mirror, but the woman who gazed back at her looked more assured than she actually felt. Now that it was time to go down, her self-confidence was waning, her stomach so nervous, she wondered if she could eat. Unfortunately, her only choices were appearing at dinner or raising concern when she did not. She opened the door.

  As Amanda reached the foot of the stairs, she could hear everyone talking and laughing. The men had all gathered in the drawing room it seemed and, from the sound of the lone female twittering, Aunt Henrietta had joined them. She drew in a bracing breath, lifted her skirt and waltzed into the midst of them.

  The twins and Huey greeted her with genuine affection—James remained apart from the fray—surrounding her and doling out so many compliments, she was embarrassed. It was truly gratifying.

  Aunt Henry was equally kind. “My dear, you are stunning. Is there any color you cannot wear?”

  “One or two I’m not fond of,” she demurred. “Puce is vile, I think. So dull, not much of a color on anyone.”

  Henry looked at her oddly for a moment. “Yes, well…perhaps I sho
uld discard that one dress,” she murmured.

  “Dear me, I, uh—”

  Amanda stuttered to a stop and glanced across the room at her husband, who was watching her with a devilish gleam in his eye. James raised his glass of sherry, saluting her, and the warm approval in his expression caused the heat to rise in her body, starting at her toes and not ending until her face burned. His gaze was lazy and seductive and spoke of things to come, and for her very life she could only stare back at him mesmerized.

  Oh, he was sure of himself! And from her immediate response, she knew he had the right to be. That left her feeling very uncertain of her own ability to remain unmoved should he visit her later. And she wanted that confidence. As much as she knew pride was a detriment to solving their estrangement, she needed hers to protect her bruised heart.

  Amanda turned away but he was at her side within moments. And there he stayed. James wore formal black, though he managed to look casually elegant, not stiff, despite his attire. His cologne was enticing, a subtle though constant reminder that he was near.

  Now and then she would feel his hand cup her elbow as they moved about the room, his thumb lightly caressing the dimple there. She sensed a possessiveness about the gesture that caused a deep and forlorn longing to overtake her. Please don’t let him be toying with me, she thought, girlish hope warring with pragmatism.

  After dinner found everyone in the drawing room again, Huey proving his prowess at chess—against a hapless James—while the twins rooted shamelessly for their younger brother.

  Amanda joined Aunt Henry on the sofa. “Is it always this rambunctious?” she asked the older woman over the shouting and laughter.

  “Always. My brothers have always enjoyed the company of one another. It was even more exuberant when Herbert was here. We miss him.”

  “I imagine you do.”

  “Yes,” Henry went on, her fond eye on her nephew, “but James is a good substitute for his father, much like him, in fact. It’s been a pleasure to have him home. His presence has eased some of the pain of our loss.”

  Amanda made a polite sound of understanding. “But the dowager does not seem to join in the family gatherings much.”