by K. L. Kreig
I take my time in the shower, letting the scalding water sluice over me, wishing it could wash away the beasts that have their teeth firmly planted in me, but it won’t, so I embrace the pain instead. It feels good. Diverts it a little from my heart.
I wash my hair with the cheap shampoo and notice my scruff has grown into almost a full beard, so I must have been here a few days at least. After a good twenty minutes under the spray, I turn off the faucets and dry myself. Rather than put my reeking clothes back on, I wrap a towel around my waist and head back to the bed when I hear a knock on the door.
Glancing at the digital clock, I see it’s after 2:00 p.m. so I assume it’s housekeeping. I haven’t let her in the last two times she’s knocked. I’m feeling so sick at the moment, I couldn’t give a shit if I was buck naked. I need my room cleaned so I can spend the next untold hours dirtying it again. I need my amenities refilled and my bed sheets and towels changed. The entire room smells like dirt, alcohol, and suffering.
I throw open the door but turn before I confirm it’s housekeeping, which in retrospect would have been a damn good idea. The last thing I need is a fucking lecture that makes my ears bleed.
“What in the fuck do you think you’re doing, Luke?” Bigs bellows from my open doorway.
My head drops and my eyes snag the nearly empty bottle of tequila that’s lying on the matted carpet floor beside the rumpled bed. There’s a wet stain around the mouth. Huh. That would explain the overwhelming liquor fumes I smell, I guess.
“Your woman is fucking beside herself with worry! Your family is ready to call the goddamn cops if you don’t show your face. Jesus Christ, Luke, what is going on?”
I’m being selfish. I know this. I turned off my phone and haven’t spoken to a single person other than Bigs since I walked out on Addy without one word of explanation. No one knows where I am, why I left, or what I’m doing. When I let myself think about it, I feel like a prick, so I just don’t. Let myself think about it, that is.
“How many brain cells have you killed in the past four days?” he snarls, slamming the door with a loud thud that reverberates for several long seconds through my pounding skull. I deserve that, I guess.
Four days? I’ve been here for four days already? Time becomes meaningless when you’re sucked into a quagmire of endless agony.
I sit on the edge of the bed, never looking my friend in the eye. I can’t bear to see his condemnation right now. “How did you find me?”
He snorts, taking a seat on the second bed across from me. “Really, Luke? You do remember what we do for a living, right? Or have you forgotten that like everything and everyone else in your life while you have your little fucking pity party? You look like death warmed over, by the way.”
I feel like it. “Get the fuck out. I’m not in the mood to hear your shit.”
“I would deck you right now if I didn’t see how much physical and emotional pain you’re already in. Talk to me, Luke.”
Not able to sit any longer, I lie on my back and blink up at the ceiling, wishing I could go back to a week ago when I was deliriously happy and the only thing I had to worry about was picking out the perfect ring for Addy.
Addy. God, I physically ache for her right now and have to push back the pussy tears welling in my eyes.
Another knock on the door sounds, along with a disembodied light voice, “Housekeeping.” Great. Now she comes.
“Not now,” Bigs yells. Yells. As loudly as possible. Motherfucker.
“I told you when I talked to you that I’d reach out when I was ready, Bigs. Now that you’ve confirmed I’m alive, you can go.”
Out of my peripheral, I watch him look around the room and I cringe at what he sees. Empty bottles everywhere. Dirty, stinky towels scatter the floor. My rancid clothes are strewn all the way from my bed to the bathroom.
His voice softens and his compassion hits me deep. “I’m not leaving until you tell me what happened to make you like this. I haven’t seen you act like this, Luke, since…” He leaves his sentence hanging; we both know what he means. He hasn’t seen me like this since I was a stupid teenager, trying to chase away my problems with drugs and alcohol.
Once I got my shit straightened out, I never touched drugs again. Didn’t touch alcohol for almost three years. So being drunk off my ass for so many days that I’ve completely lost all sense of time is a big fucking red flag to Bigs. The fact I disappeared at all was the first one. Didn’t take him long to track me down. Yesterday, I had to give the hotel my credit card because I’d run out of cash to pay for the cheap room.
“You’ve talked to Addy?” I ask instead of answering his question.
He sighs heavily, matching my position. “Couple of times, yeah.”
“How is she?”
“How is she? Pissed as hell. Out of her fucking mind. Crying. Jesus, Luke. What the actual fuck, man? I thought you loved her.”
“I do, but shit just got complicated.”
“Complicated how?”
I take my time answering. Speaking the words out loud is hard. Makes them real. “Turns out her sister, Sam, is my dad’s mistress. The one I saw that day leaving his office with a nice fat check in her hand.”
Bigs jackknifes off the bed. “What? That can’t be right.”
“Ah, but it is. Fucked up, right? I mean the woman who helped destroy me is the fucking sister of the woman I love more than life itself. What exactly am I supposed to do with that?”
“Are you sure it’s her, LC? I mean…after all these years, could you be wrong?”
I finally turn my head and look my friend in the eye. My head throbs and I could drink a gallon of water and still not be sated, but I can’t; my stomach is revolting at even the thought of anything else being dumped into the roiling sea of toxicity.
“I wish I was. The woman in the kitchen that day had a very distinctive dark birthmark on her right cheek. I remember it almost looked heart-shaped, which I thought was ironic. What type of woman with a heart would let someone buy her child off? Addy’s sister has that exact same mark, Bigs. That’s not coincidence. And Landyn? Her niece? Definitely resembles my father. So, no. I’m not fucking wrong.”
He goes silent for a few minutes before finally saying, “You should talk to Addy. Tell her. You’re punishing her for something that’s not even her fault.”
“I’m not punishing her, Bigs. I just…I don’t know what to do. I love her. I want to be with her for the rest of my life. I just don’t know how I’m going to get over this hurdle. I need some time to think.”
“Not sure how much thinking you can do when your head’s stuffed in a vat of liquor. Drinking yourself dead isn’t the answer, man. I’ve been telling you for years you need to get this fucking monkey off your back. It doesn’t change the facts, but it spreads the load so you don’t have to carry so much yourself. If you wait much longer, I can tell you that you’ll have one less person to help with that and she’s the best fucking thing to ever walk into your life. You fuck this up and you can just accept my resignation now because there is no way in hell I’ll be able to be around your sorry ass after she walks away from you.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“Fucking try me.” I’ve never heard Bigs more serious than he is right now. After several beats, he adds, “I love you like a brother, Luke, but I’ve watched you suffer with this and what happened in Boston for too long. This shit is eating you up inside. Talk to your mom. Talk to your brothers. Talk to Addy. Fucking talk to someone other than your damn priest because that’s obviously not helping.”
He’s right. I know he’s always been right. Holding this secret in has gotten to the point where it’s now absolutely deadly.
“I’ll think about it.”
Standing, he shakes his head. “You do realize that’s how you always end this conversation. With that bullshit answer. If I don’t hear from you within twenty-four hours, I’m personally coming back here for you and we’re gonna have more than words, so be pre
pared to have some sense knocked into your sorry ass.” Walking to the door, he turns to me, the knob in his hand. “You have a lot of people who love you, Luke. Who have always loved you. Unconditionally. It’s about fucking time you trust in them, lean on them, or you will find yourself completely alone and that would be a travesty. Despite what you believe, you’re a great man.”
And with that dressing down, Bigs walks out, leaving me once again alone in my ocean of misery. I drift off, this time sans alcohol, and dream of the same dark, slithery, happiness-stealing reptiles I did weeks ago. I was determined to fight them then and resolve I’m determined to fight them now.
I just need to figure out how.
Chapter 41
I feel her presence before she speaks.
I don’t want her here.
I don’t want to talk.
I don’t want to think.
I don’t even want to be.
I just want to wallow. At least I’m not drunk, so that’s a start.
“How are they?” I croak.
She hesitates before answering. I know she’s angry with me. Fuck, I’m angry with me. “They’re doing well, actually. They’re weaning them from the warmers and they should be able to come home in a day or two. Grant’s doing a little better than Cash. He’ll probably be released tomorrow if he can make it through the night without his body temp falling.”
Grant. Only minutes ago when I arrived at the hospital and saw baby boy two’s name had been changed to Grant, I had to choke back my emotions.
“He’s a fighter,” I mumble absently. “They both are, like you.”
“Luke, what are you doing?” she sighs.
When I talked to Conn earlier and he told me the babies were still in the hospital, there’s no way I could stay away. This part of the NICU has stars painted all over the walls and Grant and Cash have their own private little quarters. I stand at the thick glass door, unable to take my eyes from the tiny humans inside housed in their own little tropical bubbles.
My brother’s boys.
Twins, like Gray and me.
Pure.
Innocent.
Beautiful.
Blissfully unaware of how life can royally fuck you over.
“I wanted to see my nephews. Make sure—”
“That’s not what I mean and you know it,” she scolds. “You’ve been MIA for five days. Five fucking days, Luke. How utterly selfish of you for so many reasons, but I’m too damn exhausted to start listing them off.”
“Livia, don’t.” I snap. “You have no fucking idea what I’m going through.”
“And neither does anyone else because you won’t tell us. You just up and disappeared. We’re your family, Luke. Family. And family doesn’t do what you’ve just done to us. What you’ve done to Addy, for God’s sake.”
She’s right. They don’t.
But I do.
I run.
I hide.
I shove the pain deep so I don’t have to deal with the anguish in my soul. The anguish that’s blacker and thicker and even more acidic than it was before I walked out on Addy.
My color. My very lifeblood.
I miss her so damn much I can hardly take a breath; my body is oxygen starved. My cells cry out for more and I try to obey, but I can’t. It’s physically impossible to draw in any more air. Is this what it feels like to drown? A crushing, unbearable pain in your chest, your head, your organs? It’s a slow, horrible, gut-wrenching death and I’m its prisoner, held tightly in its unyielding grasp. Unable to escape.
Livia stands beside me, quiet now. We both watch her children sleeping. Grant’s starting to stir and I long to hold him and shield him from any suffering life may bring him. It’s amazing how much I love these little beings who aren’t even mine. I can’t even fathom the love I would have for my own children, which is a chance I may never get given how massively fucked things are right now.
“I’m sorry,” I tell her.
“I know, you know.”
She doesn’t know shit because I don’t share my burdens. I shoulder them alone, protecting those I love.
“What do you know, Livia?” I’m tired. So tired. I don’t have the strength to be an asshole right now. My head still pounds and my stomach still churns, courtesy of spending the last five days in a poison fog.
“About Peter.”
My head whips to her; she doesn’t turn my way.
I haven’t seen Livia since the birth. I haven’t seen her hold her children or coo to them or sing to them. I haven’t seen the pure, raw, passionate connection she has with them. But as she continues to stare at her babies with unconditional love in her eyes and unfettered happiness shimmering around her, my twin’s words slam into me.
I nearly break down and sob. I gave her this. I gave her life so she could create life and the soul-eating darkness I feel lightens somewhat.
I take a deep breath and it’s a little easier this time. “Did Gray…?”
“Gray and I haven’t talked about him in months, so whatever secrets you’ve shared with him remain safe. Even though we’ve never spoken of it, I’ve always known what you’ve done for me, Luke and…” She swallows, her voice cracking when she starts again. “I know how much it weighs you down. I know it changed you and I’m sorry for that. But I’m not sorry to be alive. I’m not sorry to have something of my very own that I thought I’d never have and if that makes me a horrible person, then so be it.”
My eyes burn. “I’m not sorry. I’d do it a million times over for you, Livia. For Gray. For Grant and Cash.”
She finally turns to me with watery eyes. “Then forgive yourself. Please, I beg of you. Let go of whatever guilt you’re carrying around inside so you can be free. Happy. It’s time. Please, Luke. Please.”
Livia knows nothing of the last one hundred and twenty hours of hell and the fact that I am encumbered by more than one heavy burden, but I wouldn’t be able to keep my tears from spilling if I tried. I pull her in for a hug, absently wondering where Gray is and if I’ll get a fist to the jaw for touching his wife. I don’t fucking care. I’ll take it. Right now I’d even welcome it.
When Addy slept at my mom’s house over Easter, we talked long into the night and she implored me to tell my family about the secret I carry like a two-ton boulder. Not just for me; for them as well. She said the only way to slay my demons was forgiveness and purging, but I was steadfast in my decision. Just like I have been for the last fourteen years.
Bigs was right when he called me out on my canned bullshit answer. I didn’t mean it anymore yesterday than every other time I’ve said it, yet suddenly everything becomes so very clear to me. Like the sun peeking over the horizon at the start of a new day, casting its bright rays to light all that was dark only moments before.
I do need to purge.
Everything. To Addy. To my family.
I need to forgive myself for my own sins and let go of those that aren’t mine to bear. I know what I need to do and it will be one of the hardest conversations I’ve ever had in my life.
“I fucked up.”
“Big time,” she retorts smartly.
I chuckle, kissing her head and wiping my face before I let her go.
“Will she talk to me?”
“I don’t know, Luke. She’s confused and angry and hurt and she has every right to be. When Gray left me for those few days, it was the worst form of torture. You know that. You witnessed it firsthand and yet you turned around and did the same damn thing to her. You know how stubborn she is. She’s had a lot of people hurt her in her life and right now she sees this as almost an unforgivable wrong. You left without any explanation. Most of all, you didn’t trust her.”
“I know. It was wrong. I was just…fuck. There are things you just don’t understand, Livia. Things about my past. Things I’m not ready to talk to you or Gray about yet. I know I need to. My past and my present kinda collided and it threw me for a loop.”
“I don’t pretend to know what
you’re talking about. What I do know is that you need to try to find a way to make this right with Addy. Then worry about your brothers. She’s had a lot of guys screw her over. She’s skittish and untrusting and she’s more pissed than I’ve ever seen her, but she’s also crazy in love with you. I know it. I’m sure you’ll find a way to get through to her. Eventually.”
“Right. Do you know where she’s at now?”
“Probably her studio. I think she’s been practically living there to take her mind off things.”
I nod. “Thanks, Livia. For giving me the kick in the ass I needed.”
“You’re lucky I didn’t take your balls.” She smiles.
I chuckle lightly. “I think those babies have created a wicked streak in you.”
“God, tell me about it. It’s the pregnancy hormones. They’re still making me crazy.”
“About time you showed up,” an angry grumble rains down on me from behind. “In addition to the stress of my newborns being in ICU, you’ve managed to make my wife cry every night by pulling your goddamn Houdini act, Luke.”
I take one more look at my beautiful, tiny nephews before facing my livid twin, who now has his wife ensconced in his arms. “I have to go. I need to talk to Addy.”
“You have some fucking explaining to do, Luke.”
“You’re right, but my woman is going to be the first to hear it. So if you’ll excuse me, I need to go find her.”
I’m halfway down the hall when Gray’s voice halts me. “Luke.” I don’t turn. “Everything okay?”
I still don’t know how I’m going to deal with the fact that my father’s mistress will permanently be a part of my life, but I need to, because if I don’t get Addy back in my arms, then no. It’s not okay and I fully realize it will never be okay again. I could have completely ruined the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
“I’m working on it,” I call over my shoulder before I push through the secured steel doors and head to hopefully fix what I’ve royally fucked up, praying the whole time that she’ll find it within herself to forgive me.