When Nobody Was Watching

by Carli Lloyd

  Contents

  * * *

  Title Page

  Contents

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Author’s Note

  What You See Is What You Get

  Beginnings

  Strikers Forever

  Smackdown

  National Attention

  Photos I

  One Cap at a Time

  Coach’s Crosshairs

  World of Trouble

  Olympian and Outcast

  Fine China

  Letting Go of Gold

  Empty Cup

  Wonder in Wembley

  Photos II

  Coaching Carousel

  Coaching Carousel Part II

  Character Builders

  Disappearing Act

  Addition by Subtraction

  World-Beater

  Pure Gold

  Priorities, Progress, Passion

  Acknowledgments

  Index

  Connect with Carli Lloyd on Social Media

  About the Author

  Copyright © 2016 by Carlilloyd.com LLC

  All rights reserved

  For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write to trade.permissions@hmhco.com or to Permissions, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company, 3 Park Avenue, 19th Floor, New York, New York 10016.

  www.hmhco.com

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

  ISBN 978-0-544-81462-2 (hardcover) | ISBN 978-0-544-97680-1 (signed edition)

  Cover photograph © Andy Mahr

  Cover design by Martha Kennedy

  eISBN 978-0-544-81455-4

  v1.0816

  To Brian, my love and future husband,

  and James, my trainer, friend, and mentor

  Author’s Note

  This is the story of my soccer journey. It has had many stops along the way, and enough ups and downs to make a miniseries. I’ve recounted my experiences as faithfully and accurately as possible, but I want readers to understand that, in retracing events that go back decades, some of the quotes, while completely true in spirit and context, may not be word for word as originally stated.

  —Carli Lloyd

  Mount Laurel, New Jersey

  April 2016

  Prologue

  What You See Is What You Get

  I DON’T DO FAKE. That’s the first thing you should know about me. I’m not one to put on airs or change my demeanor, depending on where I am or who I am talking to. I don’t much care about the red carpet or being on the cover of magazines. I don’t put on makeup when I’m getting ready for a game, because why would I? I am gearing up for battle.

  How is mascara or eyeliner going to help me win the battle?

  If I’m not happy, you can see it on my face from the other end of the Jersey Turnpike. I don’t hide it in my body language very well either. My normal way of walking is a borderline strut, shoulders back with a bit of a swaggering defiance in my step, as if I were the new sheriff in town.

  If I’m ticked off about something, or you cross me, the strut gets that much more pronounced. I’m as easy to read as the top line of an eye chart.

  You hear a lot these days about brand-building and image-crafting. I have a brand. You know what it is? Soccer player. It’s the only brand I have any interest in. Of course, I want to be recognized for being a world-class player, but when I wake up every day it’s not my goal to figure out how to become a bigger celebrity or have more Twitter followers. If that happens because of what I am doing on the field, great.

  Otherwise, I have zero interest.

  I’ve been approached by ESPN: The Magazine to pose in the body issue. Dancing with the Stars has reached out to me, and so has Maxim magazine, for a photo shoot that I’m pretty sure would’ve had much more to do with skin than soccer. Thanks, but no thanks. A number of prominent athletes—soccer players among them—have been featured in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue and other publications. It is not a decision that I am judging in any way. To each her own. I’m sure they feel proud of their bodies and see no reason not to show them off. It’s just not for me. I want to be a role model, not a runway model. I want to be known for the body of work of my career. If that makes me old-fashioned or out of step with the times we live in, so be it.

  I’m always going to be true to how I feel.

  Another thing I have no interest in is drama. To me, it is a massive waste of time and energy, siphoning off your fuel and your focus. It’s a lesson I’ve learned, along with a million or so others, from James Galanis, my longtime trainer and mentor, an Australian transplant in South Jersey who has had a greater impact on my soccer journey than anyone. Unfortunately, in a dozen years on the U.S. Women’s National Team, I’ve been around enough drama queens to fill a royal palace. I’ve seen new players get frozen out by veterans (I was one of the rookies once, and it wasn’t fun), and I have seen coaches forced out. I’ve witnessed drama involving lineup changes and strategic formations, heard gossip about alleged favoritism. There were times when I wondered if I was in a reality TV series. I’m not kidding, and never more so than at the 2007 World Cup, when Hope Solo, my best friend on the team, spoke her mind and certain team leaders did everything but banish her from the human race. Drama doesn’t necessarily make anybody a bad person. It’s just the way it is. When you have a bunch of high-achieving, uber-competitive, strong-willed women in close quarters, stuff is going to happen sometimes. And it does.

  I just don’t want to get sucked into it.

  Steer clear of anything that isn’t helping you get where you want to go—that is another James Galanis lesson, one that has pretty much become my life mantra. If something isn’t helping you, it means it’s hurting you, and the bigger the goals you have, the less you can afford to have anything impede your progress. This may sound trite, but it’s nothing but the truth: all I want to do is work hard and get better and do everything I can to help my team win. That’s the sum total of my agenda.

  Everything else is chatter.

  I have a pretty good idea where my aversion to drama comes from. I’ve had my fill of it, for a long time, in my own family—my parents and my younger brother and sister. My father threw me out of the house in 2008 in a fit of anger, and I have been on my own island ever since, with only sporadic contact, usually via email or phone calls. When I was honored as the World Player of the Year in January 2016 at a gala in Zurich, Switzerland, I never heard from my parents. When I had arguably the greatest final-game performance in the annals of the Women’s World Cup last summer in Canada, I was able to share the joy with Brian Hollins, my fiancé, and my aunts and uncles and cousins and friends, and James of course.

  I did not share it with my own parents.

  When my father had open-heart surgery, nobody told me until well afterwards. When my sister got married, I was not invited. I love my family and would like nothing more than to reconcile with them. Nobody has done more for me in my life than my parents, who devoted untold amounts of time and money over many, many years that allowed me to play the game I love. It’s no exaggeration to say that I never would’ve gotten anywhere near a World Cup, an Olympics, or the U.S. Women’s National Team without them. I have never forgotten that, and I never will.

  The fact is that my parents were too devoted—and did too much for me.

  Everything they did was well-meaning, but there comes a time when you need to let your kids make their own decisions and get a taste of failure. As I reached my early twenties I started to feel smothered by their attention. They would pepper me with questions about how things were going with the national team and make suggestions about everything from how I should p
lay to how I should conduct myself. Again, it was all out of a desire to help, but it wasn’t necessarily what I wanted to hear.

  Our differences escalated over time, and as with every family rift, there was plenty of blame to spread around. I am not going to lie. There were times when I was out of line. I absolutely can be stubborn, and I definitely said things I shouldn’t have said. I totally own that.

  From my perspective, the message I got from my parents, time and again, was that I was doing things all wrong, that they were the victims, and that I needed to listen to them or my career was going to get completely derailed. I believe they wanted the best for me, but somehow, almost every time I talked to them, I felt as if I’d been chopped into small pieces. So I pushed back, and sometimes I pushed back hard. We had a lot of blowups.

  Sometimes my parents would write emails or cards and I would answer, but every time we tried to work through it things would blow up again.

  It hasn’t been easy going it alone. I am sure it hasn’t been easy for my parents either. I don’t take any joy in writing about strains in our family relationships, but the truth is that it has weighed on me for years now and it has been very much a part of my journey. To become the soccer player I am, I had to grow up, become my own person, and make my own decisions about what to do on the field and in life. Those decisions haven’t always been popular with my family, but they were what was right for me. At some point I came to realize that I was no longer the little girl playing for the Delran Dynamite in our neighborhood park, a kid whose parents would bandage her up and drive her all over the place and make sure she had everything she needed. On the field it’s just me and the ball and the net, and I knew deep down I had to figure this out for myself. I’m so grateful for all the things my family has done for me along the way, and I wish we could have shared every triumph—and every tear too. James likes to say, “Strength is measured by how far you are willing to push your weaknesses.” I want to be strong, work on my weaknesses. I want to believe there’s a way to work through this, and that this journey I’m on will include my parents again. I refuse to give up hope.

  Near the end of my junior year at Rutgers University in 2003, I got cut from the U.S. U-21 team and decided it was time to quit competitive soccer. I was a college All-American and had accomplished some things, made some national teams, but my dream was to make the full national team, and if I couldn’t make the U-21s, how was I going to make the full team? The coach who cut me told me straight out that I wasn’t at a national-team level. He said I didn’t defend well enough and didn’t work hard enough. The coach’s name was Chris Petrucelli. He had a brush cut and a square jaw, and I hated him in that moment, hated how he’d squashed my dream as if it were a cockroach on a countertop.

  Now?

  Now, when I run into Chris Petrucelli, I tell him he’s the guy whose honesty played a key role in saving my career.

  For more than a decade with the U.S. Women’s National Team, I’ve taken the soccer field feeling as though I have to prove people wrong, starting with Chris Petrucelli. I’ve often felt overlooked and underappreciated, and at times completely misunderstood. I didn’t come out of the University of North Carolina or one of the other popular feeder schools. I was never among the chosen ones when U.S. Soccer coaches talked about the next generation of impact players. Within a few months of scoring the gold medal–winning goal in the Beijing Olympics in 2008, I was told that my contract wasn’t being renewed and I needed to play my way back onto the team.

  Four years later, I was a fixture at attacking mid and had been named MVP of the CONCACAF Olympic qualifying tournament. Then I was benched by Pia Sundhage after a lackluster showing in our send-off game before going to London. When I scored both goals in the final to carry the U.S. to another Olympic gold, it wasn’t just the sweetest possible vindication for me: it was fresh proof that I am one of those athletes who thrives on slights, whether real or imagined. My trainer James calls it “the underdog mentality.” He does everything he can to cultivate it, and he’s gotten an unintended boost from U.S. Soccer’s marketing department, which for years basically ignored me in its promotional initiatives. Before the 2015 World Cup, you might’ve been able to find a Carli Lloyd U.S. Soccer jersey, but only if you looked hard. Did I lose sleep over that? I did not. Did it annoy me? It did. James knew that and used it, just as he uses it when a writer rips me or I am getting blown up on social media. He knows I am at my best when I am playing with an edge, with some Jersey girl attitude, getting after it like a kid who has had her lunch money stolen and is hell-bent on getting it back.

  Neither James nor I have to look far to find doubters and doomsayers about me after the first three games of the 2015 Women’s World Cup in Canada. I come into it fitter and more ready than for any tournament I’ve ever played. It is my third World Cup. In the first one, in 2007, we were demolished by Brazil, 4–0, in the semifinals. In the second, in 2011, we lost to Japan on penalty kicks in the final. I am one of those who missed her PK. I still feel horrible about it.

  Now it is time to change the narrative. I am a stronger, better, and mentally tougher player than I have ever been. Never mind that eleven days after the World Cup ends I will turn thirty-three. I am so much better than I was at twenty-three, there’s nothing to even talk about. I am ready to crush it, and I believe that we, collectively, have the character and heart and skill to be the first U.S. team to bring home the Cup since 1999.

  Then the tournament starts, and after three games we look more like total imposters than the number-two-ranked team in the world. We limp out of Group D with two victories and a tie, advancing mostly because Hope plays out of her mind and Megan Rapinoe scores twice in our opener against Australia, and because our shortest player, Meghan Klingenberg, all five feet, two inches of her, channels her inner pogo stick and heads away what appears to be a certain goal for Sweden in our second game. We’re not possessing the ball much, and we’re creating even less, and what little attacking we are doing seems to completely bypass the center midfielders, Lauren Holiday and me. My confidence—soaring at the start—goes into the Dumpster faster than you can say Sepp Blatter. I feel uninvolved, ineffective, and oddly lethargic. I take pride in my ability to impact a game from one box to another, making tackles and rebuffing an opponent’s attack on one end, and taking on defenders 1 v. 1 or threading a through pass or letting fly with a blast on the other end. Except for short stretches here and there, I feel as though I am doing almost none of that through the first 270 minutes of the 2015 Women’s World Cup.

  The good news is that we are heading into the elimination round, regardless of our patchy performances. The bad news for me is that my confidence is at an all-time low. I room with Hope for the first two games in Winnipeg, and when we check in there are action posters of ourselves on our beds, placed there by Dawn Scott, our fitness trainer, and other team staffers and personalized with three words.

  Mine are:

  Committed. Relentless. Confident.

  If you are scoring at home (and I am), I’m 0-for-3, batting zero, and disgusted with myself.

  I am a bit of a strange mix in the self-belief department. I have an almost unshakable faith in my ability to come through when it matters most and to prevail no matter what the odds. But that faith exists side by side with a stubborn, lifelong penchant for demanding perfection of myself and for beating up on myself when I fall short of it. The result is that it is dangerously easy for me to hold on to mistakes, keeping them alive in an endless loop of self-criticism.

  Some people can just shrug off a bad game. I’ve heard baseball experts say that the reason Mariano Rivera was the greatest closer in history was because he had the greatest gift an athlete can have: a short memory. Whenever he made a mistake, giving up a hit or blowing a save, he’d forget about it instantly and get back on the mound and put everything into the next pitch. He lived his whole competitive life in the moment, which of course is exactly where you want to be.

  The
trouble for me isn’t only the expectations I have for myself, but also my tendency to be super-responsible. I take things seriously. I don’t want to let anybody down. Not Brian or James, or my family and friends, or my fans. When I believe I haven’t played up to my standards, it’s as if I’m walking around with a ball and chain.

  Jill Ellis meets with me before we take on Colombia in our first knockout game, in Edmonton.

  “I know you are frustrated,” Jill says. “But don’t worry. We are going to get you going. We know what you are capable of. We know your history of coming through when the stakes are the greatest. Don’t take on any huge responsibility. Don’t force things. Just let it happen. You play your game, and you will be fine.”

  At the depth of my despondence, I do what I always do in times of doubt or crisis. I reach out to James Galanis. He’s on a Greek island with his family, on vacation.

  “You didn’t turn into a bad soccer player overnight,” James says. “That is not possible. If you guys as a team were attacking and scoring goals, this wouldn’t be an issue and nobody would be talking about what a disappointment the U.S. has been.”

  James underscores the same point Jill made: Don’t come out of the box in the next game and try to be perfect and change everything all at once. Don’t be too fancy. Don’t go for magic right out of the chute. Just go out and have fun and play. Build up slowly. Play simple balls. Connect on some passes. Get some confidence on the ball. Let yourself ease into the game, and before you know it you will be back to being Carli.

  James has one more piece of wisdom.

  “When this World Cup is over, nobody is going to be talking about what happened in the group stage,” he says. “They’re going to be talking about the player and players who are the strongest and fittest and are powering through when everybody else is hitting their wall. They’ll be talking about the players who refuse to let their team lose.