Mission: Lullaby

by Tommy Donbavand

  “Ready?” I yelled against the gale.

  “Ready as I’ll ever be,” Fangs called back.

  “THISH ISH FANTASHTIC!” bellowed Miss Bile excitedly.

  Then we released our grips on the chains.

  We fell, spinning over and over like yo-yos as the chains unwound. The ground – what I could see of it as I tumbled – came rushing up to meet us. We plummeted faster and faster, spun quicker and quicker, screamed louder and louder, and then we ran out of chain.

  We fell the final ten metres and bounced on the awning of the House of Commons coffee bar. The material ripped gradually, slowing our descent enough to allow us to survive the drop. We landed on the tables and chairs below, spraying members of parliament and their aides with coffee and cakes.

  “It’s raining spies today,” said Fangs to one alarmed MP. “Just pop your suit in at the dry cleaners and claim it on expenses later.”

  Then we were off, leaping over the security gate and racing down Whitehall towards Downing Street. We dodged between tourists until we arrived at the metal gates that protected the most important road in Britain. The police officer on duty was slumped against the steel bars, out cold – and the gates were open!

  “They’re already here,” I cried.

  We jumped over the sleeping policeman and ran along Downing Street. The door to Number 10 was open as well. We dashed through the house to the gardens at the back of the building, where we skidded to a halt and ducked down behind the bushes to avoid being seen.

  Derek was there, along with Mr Big and the other four villains signed up to GLOVE: General Rot, Carlos Trumpet, Arnold Goose and Betty Flame. These were the biggest names in super-villainy – and they all had a pack of rugged henchmen or -women with them. There must have been over 100 people crowded on the lawn, and they were each wearing a single black glove.

  Derek was at the centre of the group, gazing up at the first-floor windows of 10 Downing Street, where Prime Minister Sir Hugh Jands was standing at the window. He was singing to the head of the British government!

  “Chewin’ on you, you’re tastin’ good,

  Gnawing your bones and drinkin’ your blood,

  Baby, you’re a zombie meal for one…”

  Sir Hugh Jands wobbled, then his eyes closed and he fell backwards, sound asleep.

  “That’s everyone inside the building asleep,” said Toby Shore, rubbing his tiny hands together with glee. "Now then, who wants what?”

  “I’ll have an aircraft carrier,” cried General Rot.

  “I’ve always fancied being the king of somewhere,” announced Arnold Goose. “The Isle of Wight, maybe?”

  “They must all be wearing earplugs,” I hissed. “Otherwise, they’d be snoring by now, as well.”

  “WHAT’SH THE PLAN?” asked Miss Bile. The secretary was still awake, so I presumed she had anti-hypnotic implants just like us.

  Fangs took a deep breath. “Well,” he said. “There are over a hundred bad guys. Many of them are henchmen, highly trained in martial arts … and we’ve got a werewolf, a banshee and a vampire with a pair of singed trousers.”

  “Could be a tough one, boss,” I agreed.

  “Not at all,” said Fangs. “Because we’ve got the element of surprise.”

  Miss Bile looked puzzled. “WE DO?”

  Fangs nodded. “They’ll all be surprised that we attacked them when the odds are so badly stacked against us. Ready? Charge!”

  Thursday 1729 hours: Garden of 10 Downing Street, London, UK

  Fangs pulled us through the hedge – and then tripped over his own feet. We all landed SPLAT!

  "Stop what you are doing," Fangs shouted, picking himself up. "You are all under arrest.”

  Everyone laughed.

  “I’m not joking,” Fangs warned.

  Toby Shore looked us up and down, which from his perspective, was mainly up. “The sad part is, I know you’re not joking. You really think you can stop us.” He looked from super-villain to super-villain. “Who wants to capture the infamous Fangs Enigma and his pesky sidekick?”

  Four black-gloved hands shot up into the air. Toby made a big show of deciding which bad guy to choose. “Carlos,” he said finally to a skeleton dressed all in white. “What would you do with a couple of MP1 secret agents?”

  “It’s-a simples.” Carlos Trumpet beamed. “I will-a grind them up to use as-a pig food on my farm back home.”

  “Then they’re all yours,” said Toby.

  Carlos nodded to his batch of goons, who were also dressed in white. The henchmen grabbed Fangs, Miss Bile and me easily, before dragging us towards the exit at the far end of the garden. Beyond the gate, I could just make out the shape of a large white van. I had to do something – and quickly.

  “Derek,” I shouted. “These people are just using you.”

  “No, they’re not,” he sang back. “They’re letting me join GLOVE. They’re giving me everything I have ever wanted.”

  I shook my head. “No,” I said. “It’s the other way round. I don’t think you really want to be a super-villain. I just think you want your mum to be proud of you.”

  Derek’s bottom lip quivered. “I like calling bingo,” he sang. “But she said it wasn’t a real career.”

  “Of course it’s not a real career,” interrupted Toby Shore. “Reading numbers off a bag of coloured balls? Stay with us, Derek! Sing for us, and you can have any job you want. Maybe we’ll let you be prime minister! The current one appears to have fallen asleep on the job.”

  Derek smiled. “Prime minister…?”

  “Imagine how proud your mum will be then.” Toby grinned.

  “Don’t listen to him, Derek,” warned Fangs.

  “Enough!” roared Toby. “Carlos, keep your prisoners under control. I don’t want to hear another word out of them. Now, where were we? Who hasn’t got anything yet?”

  “Me,” said Betty Flame, much to the excitement of her gang, a group of vicious-looking mummies. “I’d like the medical histories of the royal family. I want to blackmail them into handing me the keys to Buckingham Palace.”

  “I don’t think that will be happening today,” glugged a voice. I looked up to see a slimy green figure push its way out of the bushes and into the garden.

  “Phlem!” I cried. And he wasn’t alone! With him were Cube, Doctor Olga Nowkoff, MP1’s chief surgeon, and Special Agents Osiris Tut, Winnie Bag and Wade Soul. Jeff the security ogre was there too, along with various technicians, lab assistants and computer operators.

  The whole of MP1 had come to help us!

  “How did you find us?” asked Fangs.

  Phlem arched a green eyebrow. “A broken clock face, three figures jumping out of Big Ben and a trashed coffee shop? It couldn’t be anyone else, Agent Enigma.” He turned to glower down at Toby Shore. “Now, I believe Fangs told you that you were all under arrest…”

  “Never!” barked the leprechaun. “Attack!”

  Every bad guy and MP1 employee sprang forward at once.

  It was an incredible battle – one that would go down in MP1 history.

  Doctor Nowkoff hurled syringes like darts at Betty Flame’s gang of mummies, who fell to the ground, unconscious. “The strongest sleeping potion I’ve ever concocted.” Doctor Nowkoff winked at me as she spun to stab yet another girly goon and knock her out.

  Cube, meanwhile, was firing pink goo from a fountain pen. The gunk solidified over Arnold Goose’s assistants, slowing their movements until they dried to look like sugar-coated statues.

  The lab technicians were throwing lassos made from computer power cables. They had captured General Rot and his men. One of the techies I knew only by the codename XD ducked beneath the mêlée to help me to my feet.

  “Are you OK, miss?” he asked as he pulled me to one side. Another of Doctor Nowkoff’s syringes whizzed past us.

  “I’m fine, thanks,” I said. Then I noticed that Toby Shore was climbing the rose trellis on the back wall of 10 Downing Street. The
re was no way I was going to let him escape. I tried to fight my way through the crowd, but my path was blocked by Jeff the security guard. He was knocking two of the bad guys' heads together, adding to the growing pile of unconscious bodies in the middle of the lawn.

  I looked round for my boss, but couldn’t make him out in the mêlée. But then I heard the overpowering screech of Miss Bile: “FANGSH! BEHIND YOU!”

  I turned to see Fangs spin round. Three of Carlos Trumpet’s goons were racing towards him. He swung out a fist, as did Miss Bile and Phlem. All three villains hit the ground at the same time.

  I looked up. Toby Shore was just below the roof of Number 10. I raced across the lawn towards Miss Bile, my feet slipping on the muddy grass. As I skidded past the secretary, I plunged my paw into her handbag and pulled out the large office stapler.

  “Fangs,” I cried. “Time for me to go up in the world.”

  With a grin, both my boss and Agent Osiris Tut grabbed my legs and threw me as hard as they could into the air.

  I reached the escaping leprechaun just as he was about to climb over the gutter. Clinging to the gutter for support, I slammed the stapler into the material of his suit four times.

  KATHUNK! KATHUNK! KATHUNK! KATHUNK!

  I fell back down towards the ground, where Fangs caught me in his arms. We both looked up to see Toby Shore stapled hard and fast to the wooden trellis. The miniature mob boss was screaming with rage, but he wasn’t going anywhere!

  “Are you going to arrest him, boss?” I asked.

  Fangs pulled off his yellow T-shirt and winked at me from behind his sunglasses. “There’s no rush, Puppy.” He grinned. “Toby Shore will remain stationery for the time being.”

  Thursday 2157 hours: South Bank, London, UK

  “Fifty-two… Seventeen… Thirty-six… And a portion of fried rice as well, please.” Special Agent Fangs Enigma handed the Chinese takeaway menu back to the woman behind the counter and joined his sidekick and best friend, Puppy Brown, on the bench in the waiting area.

  “I’m looking forward to this,” he said. “Haven’t eaten since breakfast in Blackpool this morning. I’m famished.”

  “Well,” said Puppy. “I might just have a little something to keep you going until the food is ready.” She reached into her pocket and pulled out a red-and-white striped candy stick wrapped in clear plastic.

  “A stick of Blackpool rock!” cried Fangs. “And look – it says ‘MP1’.” He began to suck away happily on the treat.

  Puppy grinned. “I had Cube knock one up in the lab while you were locking Toby Shore and his fellow GLOVE members in the cells,” she said.

  Fangs pulled the rock from his mouth. “Cube made this? It’s not another one of his gadgets, is it? It’s not going to expand in my stomach and turn me into the fattest vampire alive, or something mad like that?”

  Puppy laughed. “No, it’s just a plain stick of rock, although it is bad for your fangs.”

  “You sound like my mum.” Fangs grinned. “Even worse, you sound like Derek’s mum.”

  “I wonder how he’s getting on,” Puppy mused.

  “Let’s go and find out, shall we?” said Fangs. He collected their bag of takeaway meals from the counter and the secret agents stepped out into the cool night air.

  Just then, Big Ben began to chime. BONG! The pair glanced over to where workers had begun to replace the broken clock face.

  After crossing the street, Puppy located a hidden sensor in the back wall of the building opposite the Chinese restaurant and pressed her fur-covered palm against it. This was another of the secret entrances to MP1 Headquarters. Blue lights whooshed across the metal, and then a computerized voice sounded:

  “Access granted. Welcome back, Agent Brown.”

  A door slid open just long enough for Fangs and Puppy to slip inside unnoticed – where they found themselves face to face with a large troll in an MP1 security uniform.

  “You’ll have to put that bag through the scanner, sir,” said Derek Dopper. “And did you remember to get my prawn crackers?”

  “Got them,” said Fangs, sitting the food on the conveyor belt. “But you can’t eat while you’re on duty.”

  Puppy grinned.

  After a personal call from Sir Hugh Jands, Phlem had agreed to offer Derek a full pardon for his attempt at villainy in return for coming to work at MP1, and allowing the organization to use his special singing voice on missions from time to time. The PM thought the troll’s voice could be used to knock out enemy agents without any nasty after-effects. Derek had excitedly agreed.

  Of course, it was a small possibility that the PM’s call might have been made by a certain Agent Fangs Enigma, using Cube’s voice scrambler to disguise himself as Sir Hugh, but Phlem wasn’t to know that…

  Jeff the security ogre stepped out of his office. “All right then, Derek,” he said. “You can take your break now.”

  “Great!” Derek grinned, slipping off his peaked cap. “A new job AND a break to eat my dinner! This is the best day ever.”

  “How’s the MP1 flat?” asked Puppy as she collected the bag of food from the scanner.

  “It’s brilliant,” enthused Derek. “My mum’s there now, cleaning it for me. She says she might even stay with me in London for a while until I’m settled in.”

  The trio reached Phlem’s office where Phlem, Cube and Miss Bile were waiting for them.

  “FANGSH,” screeched Miss Bile, her voice quivering. “IT’SH YOU!”

  “It is indeed, Miss Bile,” soothed the world’s greatest vampire spy. “I wonder – could you get me a drink? Milk, with just a drop of human blood.”

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  TOMMY DONBAVAND was born and brought up in Liverpool and has worked at numerous careers that have included clown, actor, theatre producer, children’s entertainer, drama teacher, storyteller and writer. He is the author of the popular thirteen-book series Scream Street. His other books include Zombie!; Wolf; Uniform; and Doctor Who: Shroud of Sorrow. His non-fiction books for children and their parents, Boredom Busters and Quick Fixes for Bored Kids, have helped him to become a regular guest on radio stations around the UK and he also writes for a number of magazines, including Creative Steps and Scholastic’s Junior Education.

  Tommy lives in Lancashire with his family. He is a huge fan of all things Doctor Who, plays blues harmonica and makes a mean balloon poodle. He sees sleep as a waste of good writing time.

  You can find out more about Tommy and his books at his website: www.tommydonbavand.com

  Visit the Fangs website at: www.fangsvampirespy.co.uk

  UNLOCK SECRET MISSION FILES!

  Want to gain access to highly classified MP1 files?

  Complete the crossword below, and then enter

  the password (the letters in the grey boxes) at

  WWW.FANGSVAMPIRESPY.CO.UK/MISSION6

  Across

  2. What creature is Mr Big? (10)

  4. What is Phlem’s secretary called? (4, 4)

  6. What does Derek use to tie up Fangs and Puppy? (10)

  8. What is Mr Big’s real name? (4, 5)

  10. Where are GLOVE’s Headquarters? (3, 3)

  12. What “explodes” from the bomb? (5)

  Down

  1. Who is the skeleton super-villain in GLOVE? (6, 7)

  3. Complete the name of Mrs Dopper’s B&B. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Dreams (9)

  5. What colour is Derek’s super-villain T-shirt? (6)

  7. What game do Puppy and Fangs play at Bingo Bongo? (5)

  9. What is the name of MP1’s security ogre? (4)

  The Fangs, Vampire Spy, series

  1. Operation: Golden Bum

  2. Codename: The Tickler

  3. Assignment: Royal Rescue

  4. Target: Nobody

  5. Project: Wolf World

  6. Mission: Lullaby

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or, if real, used fictit
iously. All statements, activities, stunts, descriptions, information and material of any other kind contained herein are included for entertainment purposes only and should not be relied on for accuracy or replicated as they may result in injury.

  First published 2014 by Walker Books Ltd

  87 Vauxhall Walk, London SE11 5HJ

  Text © 2014 Tommy Donbavand

  Illustrations © 2014 Cartoon Saloon Ltd

  The right of Tommy Donbavand to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, transmitted or stored in an information retrieval system in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, taping and recording, without prior written permission from the publisher.

  British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data: a catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

  ISBN 978-1-4063-5238-2 (ePub)

  www.walker.co.uk

  www.fangsvampirespy.co.uk