Little Myth Marker

by Robert Asprin

  Well, I showed them.

  I could read Aahz pretty well, possibly because I knew him so intimately. Chumley and Tananda, though, threw me for a loop. I was unable to pick up any sort of giveaway clues in their speech or manner, nor could I manage to detect any apparent relationship between their betting and what they were holding. In a depressingly short period of time I had been cleaned out of my starting allotment of chips. Then we divvied the stacks up again and started over...with the same results. We were now closing in on the end of the third round, and I was ready to throw in the towel.

  As much as I would have liked to tell myself that I was having a bad run of cards or that we had played too few hands to set the patterns, the horrible truth was that I was simply outclassed. I mean, usually I could spot if a player had a good hand. Then the question was "how good," or more specifically, if his was better than mine. Of course, the same went for weak hands. I depended on being able to detect a player who was betting a hand that needed development or if he was simply betting that the other hand in the round would develop worse than his. In this "demonstration game," however, I was caught flatfooted again and again. Too many times a hand that I had figured for guts-nothing turned out to be a powerhouse.

  To say the least, it was depressing. These were players who wouldn't dream of challenging the Sen-Sen Ante Kid themselves, and they were cleaning my clock without half trying.

  "I know when I'm licked, Aahz," I said. "Even if it does take me a little longer than most. I'm ready to take those lessons you offered...if you still think it will do any good."

  "Sure it will, partner. At the very least, I don't think it can hurt your game, if tonight's been an accurate sample."

  Trust a Pervect to know just what to say to cheer you up.

  "Come on, Aahz old boy," Chumley interrupted.

  "Skeeve here is doing the best he can. He's just trying to hang on in a bad situation...like we all do. Let's not make it any rougher for him. Hmmm?"

  "I suppose you're right."

  "And watch comments like that when Markie's around," Tananda put in. "She's got a bad case of hero-worship for her new daddy, and we need him as an authority figure to keep her in line."

  "Speaking of Markie," my partner grimaced, peering around, "where is our portable disaster area?"

  The tail end of our shopping expedition had not gone well. Markie's mood seemed to deteriorate as the day wore on. Twice we were saved from total disaster only by timely intervention by our spotters when she started to get particularly upset. Not wishing to push our luck, I called a halt to the excursion, which almost triggered another tantrum from my young ward. I wondered if other parents had ever had shopping trips cut short by a cranky child.

  "She's off somewhere with Bunny and the bodyguards. I thought this session would be rough enough without the added distraction of Markie cheering for her daddy."

  "Good call," Chumley said. "Well, enough chitchat. Shall we have at it?"

  "Right!" Aahz declared, rubbing his hands together as he leaned forward. "Now, the first thing we have to do is tighten up your better strategy. If you keep..."

  "Umm...Aren't you getting a little ahead of yourself, Aahz?" Tananda interrupted.

  "How so?"

  "Don't you think it would be nice if we taught him the sequence of hands first? It's a lot easier to bet when you know whether or not your hand is any good."

  "Oh. Yeah. Of course."

  "Let me handle this part, Aahz," the troll volunteered. "Now then, Skeeve. The ascending sequence of hands is as follows:

  High Card

  One Pair

  Two Pair

  Three Of A Kind

  Three Pair

  Full House (Three Of A Kind plus a Pair)

  Four Of A Kind

  Flush

  Straight (those last two are ranked higher and reversed because of the sixth card)

  Full Belly (two sets of Three Of A Kind)

  Full Dragon (Four Of a Kind plus a Pair)

  Straight Flush

  Have you got that?"

  Half an hour later, I could almost get through the list without referring to my crib sheet. By that time, my teachers' enthusiasm was noticeably dimmed. I decided to push on to the next lesson before I lost them completely.

  "Close enough," I declared. "I can bone up on these on my own time. Where do we go from here? How much should I bet on the hands?"

  "Not so fast," Aahz said. "First, you've got to finish learning about the hands,"

  "You mean there are more? I thought..."

  "No. You've got all the hands...or will have, with a little practice. Now you've got to learn about conditional modifiers.''

  "Conditional modifiers?" I echoed weakly. "Sure. Without 'em, dragon poker would be just another straightforward game. Are you starting to see why I didn't want to take the time before to teach you?"

  I nodded silently, staring at my list of card hands that I somehow had a feeling was about to become more complex.

  "Cheer up, Skeeve," Chumley said gaily, clapping me on the shoulder. "This is going to be easier than if we were trying to teach you the whole game."

  "It is?" I blinked, perking up slightly.

  "Sure. You see, the conditional modifiers depend on certain variables, like the day of the week, the number of players, chair position, things like that. Now since this match is prearranged, we know what most of those variables will be. For example, there will only be the two of you playing, and as the challenged party you have your choice of chairs...pick the one facing south, incidentally."

  "What my big brother is trying to say in his own clumsy way," Tananda interrupted by squeezing my arm softly, "is that you don't have to learn all the conditional modifiers. Just the ones that will be in effect for your game with the Kid."

  "Oh. I get it. Thanks, Chumley. That makes me feel a lot better."

  "Right-o. There can't be more than a dozen or two that will be pertinent."

  The relief I had been feeling turned cold inside me.

  "Two dozen conditional modifiers?"

  "C'mon, big brother. There aren't that many."

  "I was going to say I thought he was underestimating," Aahz grinned.

  "Well, let's bloody well count them off and see."

  "Red dragons will be wild on even-numbered hands...." "...But unicorns will be wild all evening...."

  "...The corps-a-corps hand will be invalid all night, that's why we didn't bother to list it, partner...."

  "...Once a night, a player can change the suit of one of his up cards...."

  "...Every five hands, the sequence of cards is reversed, so the low cards are high and vice-versa...."

  "...Threes will be dead all night and treated as blank cards...."

  "...And once a four-of-a-kind is played, that card value is also dead...."

  "...Unless it's a wild card, then it simply ceases to be wild and can be played normally...."

  "...If there's a ten showing in the first two face-up cards in each hand, then sevens will be dead...."

  "...Unless there is a second ten showing, then it cancels the first...."

  "...Of course, if the first card turned face up in a round is an Ogre, the round will be played with an extra hole card, four face up and five face down...."

  "...A natural hand beats a hand of equal value built with wild cards...."

  "Hey--that's not a conditional modifier. That's a regular rule."

  "It will be in effect, won't it? Some of the conditional modifiers nullify standing rules, so I thought we should..."

  "ARE YOU PUTTING ME ON?!!"

  The conversation stopped on a dime as my coaches turned to stare at me.

  "I mean, this is a joke. Right?"

  "No, partner," Aahz said carefully. "This is what dragon poker is all about. Like Chumley said, just be thankful you're only playing one night and get to learn the abbreviated list."

  "But how am I supposed to stand a chance in this game? I'm not even going to be ab
le to remember all the rules."

  An awkward silence came over the table.

  "I...uhh...think you've missed the point, Skeeve," Tananda said at last. "You don't stand a chance. The Kid is the best there is. There's no way you can learn enough in a few days or a few years to even give him a run for his money. All we're trying to do is teach you enough so that you won't embarrass yourself--as in ruin the reputation of the Great Skeeve--while he whittles away at your stake. You've got to at least look like you know what you're doing. Otherwise you come across as a fool who doesn't know enough to know how little he knows."

  I thought about that for a few.

  "Doesn't that description actually fit me to a 'T'?"

  "If so, let's keep it in the family. Okay?" my partner winked, punching me playfully on the shoulder. "Cheer up, Skeeve. In some ways it should be fun. There's nothing like competing in a game without the pressure to win to let you role-play to the hilt."

  "Sure, Aahz."

  "Okay, so let's get back to it. Just listen this time around. We'll go over it again slower later so you can write it all down."

  With that, they launched into it again.

  I listened with half an ear, all the while examining my feelings. I had gone into the first game at the Even-Odds expecting to lose, but I had been viewing that as a social evening. It was beyond my abilities to kid myself into believing this match with the Kid was going to be social. As much as I respected the views of my advisors, I was having a lot of trouble accepting the idea that I would help my reputation by losing. They were right, though, that I couldn't gracefully refuse the challenge. If I didn't stand a chance of winning, then the only option left was to lose gracefully. Right?

  Try as I might, though, I couldn't still a little voice in the back of my mind that kept telling me that the ideal solution would be to take the Kid to the cleaners. Of course, that was impossible. Right? Right?

  Chapter Fifteen

  "I need all the friends I can get."

  -Quasimodo

  WHILE my life may seem convoluted and depressing at times, at least there is one being who never turns from me in my hours of need.

  "Gleep!"

  I've never understood how a dragon's tongue can be slimy and sandpapery at the same time, but it is. Well, at least the one belonging to my dragon is.

  "Down, fella...down...hey! C'mon, Gleep. Stop it!"

  "Gleep!" my pet declared as he deftly dodged my hands and left one more slimy trail across my face.

  Obedient to a fault. They say you can judge a man's leadership ability by how well he handles animals.

  "Darn it, Gleep! This is serious!"

  I've often tried to convince Aahz that my dragon actually understands what I say. Whether that was the case here or if he was just sensitive to my tone, Gleep sank back on his haunches and cocked his head attentively.

  "That's better," I sighed, daring to breathe through my nose again. Dragons have notoriously bad breath (hence the expression "dragon mouth"), and my pet's displays of affection had the unfortunate side effect of making me feel more than slightly faint. Of course, even breathing through my mouth, I could still taste it.

  "You see, I've got a problem...well, several problems, and I thought maybe talking them out without being interrupted might..."

  "Gleep!"

  The tongue slicked out again, this time catching me with my mouth open. While I love my pet, there are times I wish he were...smaller. Times like this...and when I have to clean out his litter box.

  "You want I should lean on the dragon for you, Boss?"

  I looked around and discovered Nunzio sitting on one of the garden benches.

  "Oh. Hi, Nunzio. What are you doing here? I thought you and Guido usually made yourself scarce when I was exercising Gleep."

  "That's usually," the bodyguard shrugged. "My cousin and me, we talked it over and decided with this Ax fella on the loose that one of us should stick with you all the time, know what I mean? Right now it's my shift, and I'll be hangin' tight...no matter what you're doin'."

  "I appreciate that, but I don't think there's any danger of getting hit here. I already decided not to take Gleep outside until the coast is clear. No sense tempting fate."

  That was at least partially true. What I had really decided was that I didn't want to give the Ax a chance to strike at me through my pet. Aahz already complained enough about having a dragon in residence without adding fuel to the fire. Of course, if my suspicions were correct and Bunny was the Ax...

  "Better safe than sorry...and you didn't answer my question. You want I should lean on the dragon?"

  Sometimes the logic of bodyguards eluded me completely.

  "No. I mean, why should you lean on Gleep? You look comfortable where you are."

  Nunzio rolled his eyes. "I don't mean 'lean on him' like really lean on him. I mean, do you want me to bend him a little? You know, rough him up some. I stay outta things between you and your partner, but you shouldn't have to put up with that kind of guff from a dragon."

  "He's just being friendly."

  "Friendly, schmendly. From what I've seen, you're in more danger from getting knocked off by your own pet than by anyone else I've seen at the Bazaar. All I've ever asked is that you let me do my job...I am supposed to be guardin' your body, ya' know. That's how my position got its lofty title."

  Not for the first time, I was impressed by Nunzio's total devotion to his work. For a moment I was tempted to let him do what he wanted. At the last minute, though, an image flashed through my mind of my outsized bodyguard and my dragon going at it hammer and tongs in the middle of the garden.

  "Umm...thanks, but I think I'll pass, Nunzio. Gleep can be a pain sometimes, but I kind of like him jumping all over me once in a while. It makes me feel loved. Besides, I wouldn't want to see him get hurt...or you either, for that matter."

  "Jumpin' up on you is one thing. Doin' it when you don't want him to is sompin' else. Besides, I wouldn't hurt him. I'd just...here, let me show you!"

  Before I could stop him, he was on his feet, taking a straddle-legged stance facing my dragon.

  "C'mere, Gleep. C'mon fella."

  My pet's head snapped around, then he went bounding toward what he thought was a new playmate.

  "Nunzio. I..."

  Just as the dragon reached him, my bodyguard held out a hand, palm outward.

  "Stop, Gleep! Sit! I said SIT!!"

  What happened next I had to reconstruct later from replaying my memory, it happened so fast.

  Nunzio's hand snaked out and closed over Gleep's snout. With a jerk he pulled the nose down until it was under my pet's head, then pushed up sharply.

  In mid-stride the dragon's haunches dropped into a sitting position and he stopped, all the while batting his eyelashes in bewilderment.

  "Now stay. Stay!!"

  My bodyguard carefully opened his hand and stepped back, holding his palm flat in front of my pet's face.

  Gleep quivered slightly but didn't budge from his sitting position.

  "See, Boss? He'll mind," Nunzio called over his shoulder. "Ya just gotta be firm with him."

  I suddenly realized my jaw was dangling somewhere around my knees. "What...that's incredible, Nunzio! How did you...what did you..."

  "I guess you never knew," he grinned, "I used ta be an animal trainer...mostly the nasty ones for shows, know what I mean?"

  "An animal trainer?"

  "Yeah. It seemed like a logical extension of bein' a schoolteacher...only without the parents to worry about."

  I had to sit down. Between the demonstration with Gleep and the sudden insight to his background, Nunzio had my brain on overload.

  "An animal trainer and a schoolteacher."

  "That's right. Say, you want I should work with your dragon some more now that he's quieted down?"

  "No. Let him run for a while. This is supposed to be his exercise time."

  "You're the Boss."

  He turned toward Gleep and clapped his han
ds sharply. The dragon bounded backwards, then crouched close to the ground, ready to play.

  "Get it, boy!"

  Moving with surprising believability, the bodyguard scooped an imaginary ball from the ground and pretended to throw it to the far end of the garden.

  Gleep spun around and sprinted off in the direction of the "throw," flattening a bench and two shrubs as he went.

  "Simply amazing," I murmured.

  "I didn't mean to butt in," Nunzio said, sinking into the seat beside me. "It just looked like you wanted to talk and your dragon wanted to frolic."

  "It's all right. I'd rather talk to you, anyway."

  I was moderately astounded to discover this was true. I'd always been a bit of a loner, but lately it seemed I not only was able to talk to people, I enjoyed it. I hoped it wouldn't seriously change my friendship with Gleep.

  "Me? Sure, Boss. What did you want to talk about?"

  "Oh, nothing special. I guess I just realized we've never really talked, just the two of us. Tell me, how do you like our operation here?"

  "It's okay, I guess. Never really thought about it much. It's not your run-of-the-mill Mob operation, that much is for sure. You got some strange people hangin' around you...but they're nice. I'd give my right arm for any one of them, they're so nice. That's different right there. Most outfits, everybody's tryin' to get ahead...so they spend more time watchin' each other than they do scopin' the opposition. Here, everybody covers for each other instead of nudging the other guy out."

  "Do you want to get ahead, Nunzio?"

  "Yes and no, know what I mean? I don't want to be doin' the same thing the rest of my life, but I'm not pushy to get to the top. Actually, I kinda like workin' for someone else. I let them make the big decisions, then all I gotta do is figure out how to make my part happen."

  "You certainly do your part around here," I nodded. "I never knew before how hard a bodyguard works."

  "Really? Gee, it's good to hear you say that. Boss. Sometimes Guido and me, we feel like dead weight around here. Maybe that's why we work so hard to do our jobs. I never thought much about whether I do or don't like it here. I mean, I go where I'm assigned and do what I'm told, so it doesn't matter what I think. Right? What I do know, though, is that I'd be real sorry if I had to leave. Nobody's ever treated me like you and your crew do."