Can't Let Go

by A. P. Jensen

“Talk about how you lied to me? I don’t think we need to go over that again.

  Now who was being stubborn? “I can’t change the fact that I kept Ray a secret from you. What are you going to do?” she challenged.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Where do we go from here?”

  “I don’t know.”

  She swallowed. “You want to call off the engagement?”

  “We can’t.”

  If it wasn’t for Evie he would break it off?

  “Please come back. I need you here with me-” she began, laying it all on the line.

  “Don’t Grace. I don’t want to hear it,” he said in a flat voice.

  “Not two weeks ago you told me you loved me, that you wouldn’t let me go. You’re gonna let Ray rip us apart?” she shouted, tears running down her face.

  “It wasn’t Ray that tore us apart. It was you. You didn’t trust me enough with your secrets and I’m tired of trying to keep up. I need to go back to work.”

  He hung up.

  Grace did what she did best- threw herself into work with gusto and buried her pain under piles of paperwork. She was on autopilot as she divided her time between Evie and her laptop. Maggie’s daughter asked her to fly to California for moral support since she was getting a divorce. Grace assured Maggie everything was under control although she wished Maggie would return soon- not to take care of Evie but because somewhere along the road Maggie turned into the mother she never had and a friend she could rely on.

  She noticed that Evie seemed unusually restless. She developed a cough and Grace was constantly wiping her runny nose. Grace cuddled Evie on her lap at her desk in her bedroom and the baby drifted off to sleep against her chest. Grace brushed back Evie’s hair and focused on a thought that was revolving around in her mind- Texas. She didn’t know where she stood with Mitchell. Could she marry him knowing he was only doing it for Evie’s sake? That they would marry in name only and he couldn’t even stand the sight of her? Could she release him even though it would give Vicky a chance to take Evie from her? What she did know was that she couldn’t continue to sit here, listening to the empty silence of the penthouse. It no longer felt like home to her and she wouldn’t just sit here, waiting for him to show up.

  As far back as she could remember she wanted to be successful, to differentiate herself as much as possible from her mother. But in her heart she wanted what most women wanted- home, family, contentment. It was what she wanted for Casey and now that she had Evie- she wanted it for herself. She didn’t want to be involved in court battles for money, to use a child as a pawn. She wanted away from all of that. She wanted her life to be simple. She thought of Casey’s house in Texas and had to resist the urge to pick up the phone and get tickets. Before, she hadn’t considered what she would do with the house she bought for Casey and Evie. It was everything Casey wanted- all the way down to the white picket fence. Yearning filled her. With her condo filled with bad memories of both of her parents, she had no intention of going back there. She wanted to go home- to a place she felt safe, even if she was alone.

  The following day, Grace booked tickets and packed two suitcases. The bodyguards were confused and alarmed. When she told them she was going to Texas they tried calling Mitchell on his phone but he didn’t answer.

  “He won’t care,” Grace told them and walked past before the tears could fall.

  “I don’t know what’s going on with the boss but he told us not to leave your side so we’ll go where you go,” a guard said.

  Evie cried on the plane and Grace and the rest of the passengers were relieved when they landed. Mitchell’s guards grabbed her luggage and a car. Grace was grateful because she had her hands full with Evie. They drove out to Casey’s home on the outskirts of the city. As they drove, Grace soaked in the lushness of Texas and took a deep breath and felt the muscles in her lower back and neck relax. It was as if the distance from New York made Mitchell’s rejection easier to bear. She felt as if she could breathe here. She loved how open and vast Texas was. When the car turned down the driveway, her heart began to pound and she leaned down to press a kiss to Evie’s cheek.

  Grace put Evie on her hip as she stepped out of the car and walked into the house. The walls were filled with windows. Light streamed in and reflected off glossy wood floors. Evie stopped fretting and as if intuitively she realized she was home. Tears streamed down Grace’s face as she saw signs of Casey throughout the house. Grace went to the nursery and set Evie down for a nap before she walked into Casey’s room.

  The sweet perfume Casey liked to wear hung in the air. The pajamas she wore the night before the accident were thrown on the bed and stuffed animals and old baby bottles littered the floor. It was like a sledgehammer to her chest. She sank onto the bed.

  “Casey, I can’t do this without you,” she whispered.

  She and Casey agreed that New York wasn’t where they wanted to raise Evie so what was she doing? Maybe she could live here and drive Evie to school like a normal mom. She had enough money in the bank to give her enough cushion to figure out what she wanted to do in Texas. She could start a new business or work for someone else. She was so tired of being strong, of waiting for the other shoe to drop with her parents or Mitchell. She needed stability in her life and Evie’s and she would never have that around Mitchell. She loved him but not telling him the truth wrecked the bond they’d been rebuilding. Maybe she wasn’t meant to be with him. She had to start thinking that way. It was either that or stay in his penthouse, miserable and aching for him.

  She wiped her tears away and started cleaning the room. She could take the time she needed to figure out what she would do about Mitchell, about her parents. She would figure it out. This house was a haven that would allow her to heal, find out what she wanted and what Evie needed.

  Grace cleaned and made the bodyguards comfortable in two of the guest rooms and worked on her laptop as she ordered food to be delivered and fed Evie. During Evie’s bath Grace noticed that the baby’s cheeks were unusually rosy. Grace tried to play with Evie but the baby screamed and cried. Grace wondered if she sensed that Casey was supposed to be here and she wasn’t. Grace was at her wit’s end when she set Evie down for the night.

  Hours passed and night fell. Grace stepped outside and looked up at the stars that blanketed the sky. The night was quiet except for the sound of insects chirping. She felt more centered here than she did in New York. The quiet and distance began to clear the haze from her mind. She went back into the house and paused by Evie’s doorway and leapt forward. In her crib, Evie was gasping for air. Grace picked her up and saw that Evie’s lips were blue and her skin was so hot Grace felt as if she’d been singed.

  Her first thought was to call Mitchell and then she stopped herself. As he said, she liked to handle things on her own so that’s what she was would do. She roused the sleeping bodyguards who rushed them to the nearest emergency room. Evie was immediately admitted and examined. The doctor said she had bacterial pneumonia and was severely dehydrated.

  Grace sat at Evie’s bedside, head in her hands. She felt like the worst guardian alive. Why hadn’t she noticed there was something wrong? If she hadn’t been so distracted by her own problems she could have responded faster. Evie let out a whimper, catching Grace’s attention. Evie had a tiny oxygen mask over her face and an IV in her arm. She looked tired and miserable and Grace would gladly spare Evie this but all she could do was sit and wait.

  “Dada?” Evie said plaintively.

  “He’s traveling, baby,” she said even though Evie wouldn’t understand anyway.

  Is this how things would be in the future? Mitchell would always be traveling or working and she would be making excuses for him whenever Evie asked.

  “It’s gonna be okay. I’m here,” she murmured, rubbing Evie’s arm soothingly.

  Evie turned sad jade eyes on her and moaned in gibberish. God, she wished she could take away the pain. After Evie fell asleep she spent the night sleeping lig
htly. A nurse came in before sunrise to check on Evie.

  “You’re her mother?” the nurse said sympathetically and didn’t notice the startled look on Grace’s face. She made faces at Evie who cracked a small smile. “You have to get better for your mama, honey. She’s really worried.”

  Evie repeated, “Mama?”

  The nurse beamed and pointed at Grace. “Yes. Your mama’s right there.”

  Grace went over to the bed and talked to Evie while the nurse fiddled with the oxygen mask and IV. The nurse noticed the agony on Grace’s face and touched her arm.

  “Don’t beat yourself up. Give Evie a day or two in here and she’ll be fine,” the nurse reassured her.

  “I feel horrible.”

  “Kids get sick. It’s not your fault. You brought her in and that’s the important thing.”

  After the nurse left Grace read to Evie until she fell asleep again. Her phone vibrated and she blew out a breath when she saw it was Maggie.

  “How’s everything?” Grace asked, trying to keep her voice as neutral as possible.

  “What’s wrong?” Maggie demanded.

  “Nothing,” she sighed, rubbing her forehead. She tried to keep her voice calm when all she wanted to do was cry. “I flew to Texas to clear my head and Evie has bacterial pneumonia. The doctor said she should be able to go home in a couple of days but right now she’s hooked up to an IV-” Grace’s voice broke and tears trickled down her face.

  Evie wasn’t terminally ill but she wouldn’t be sick in the first place if Grace knew what signs to look for. She thought Evie had a cold and would be able to sleep it off. It never crossed her mind that Evie could develop a serious illness in so short a time. She felt so stupid. She wished Maggie or Casey was here with her. She had a ring on her finger but the man that gave it to her wouldn’t answer her phone calls. What kind of life was she building for herself, for Evie? Was she like Vicky, holding onto a man who wanted to get away from her? She wanted her sister back, she wanted someone to tell her what to do next because she felt so damn inadequate and lost.

  “Oh honey,” Maggie said sympathetically. “I can meet you there.”

  “No. Stay with your daughter. I’m fine,” Grace said hastily, mopping up her face.

  “Is Mitchell there with you?”

  She bared her teeth. “Why would he be here?”

  “Did you call him?”

  “I called him a couple of days ago and he said he had to go back to work and hung up on me. Don’t worry, Maggie. We’re fine,” Grace said, trying to sound convincing.

  “It’s not your fault, Grace. You’re doing your best.”

  She hung her head and saw her tears splashing on the tiles by her feet. “No. I could do better. I can give up the boutique and be a real mom instead of an aunt.”

  “You love your job.”

  “I used to. I love Evie more. If I wasn’t so all over the place, she never would have gotten sick in the first place.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “Yes. I do. I had to get out of the penthouse. I couldn’t stay there, waiting for him so I brought her here.”

  “Grace, don’t do anything rash.”

  A sob slipped past Grace’s lips. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”

  “You love Evie. If you put her first, everything will fall into place.”

  Before she could question that cryptic statement another call beeped in.

  “Maggie, I have another call. I’ll call you back.”

  “You do that.”

  “Okay. Bye. Hello?” Grace said, clearing her throat .

  “Is this Grace Stewart?” a male said.

  Grace felt a horrible sense of deja vu. A trickle of unease rolled down her spine.

  “Yes. Who’s this?”

  “I’m Jose with the New York police department. Is there somewhere we can meet?”

  She straightened in the chair. “I’m in Texas. What’s going on?”

  “Texas?”

  “My… daughter’s in the hospital so I can’t go back to New York.”

  A pause. “Well, in that case, do you have a few minutes?”

  “Yes,” she said warily.

  “Vicky Stewart is your mother?”

  Grace rose from her seat, just the thought of her mother enough to make her panic. Had Vicky done something to contest custody of Evie?

  “Yes,” she said in a flat voice.

  “I wanted to inform you that yesterday Vicky Stewart was found dead in her apartment.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Grace sat like a frozen statue beside Evie’s bed for two days. She didn’t know what to think when she heard Mitchell’s voice blast down the hallway during Evie’s nap.

  “Where are they?” he shouted.

  Mitchell rushed into the room, swept an all-encompassing glance around the room and then went to the bed. He looked shattered for a naked moment as he leaned over Evie, whispering to her and gently brushing back her hair.

  “Oh God, you scared me. Don’t you ever do this to me again,” he said and then raised his eyes to Grace who hadn’t moved since his arrival. “What happened, Grace?”

  His tone was accusing and it raked raw wounds over her own guilt. Her eyes filled with tears but she didn’t let them fall. She didn’t look at him as she twisted her hands together in her lap.

  “I was wrapped up in my own problems,” she murmured and waited for him to rail at her. She sat tense and rigid in her chair, waiting.

  “Where’s Maggie?”

  Her heart bled. She already had so much doubt in her own parenting skills that asking for Maggie tore her heart. He didn’t think she was suitable to watch after Evie by herself? It made her resolve harden.

  “She’s been gone over a week. Her daughter’s getting a divorce and asked Maggie to come. She needed someone to be with her. Maggie’s a good mom.”

  The nurse walked in and swept Mitchell an appreciative look. “I’m sorry sir. Only family should be in here.”

  “I’m her dad,” Mitchell said and waited to hear Grace’s denial but it never came.

  To Mitchell’s surprise, the nurse went over to Grace and crouched in front of her chair. Grace didn’t react when the nurse put the back of her hand to her forehead and put two fingers over her wrist to feel her pulse.

  “How are you doing today, Grace?” the nurse asked clinically.

  Grace pulled away. “I’m fine.”

  The nurse spent several seconds examining Grace before she nodded briskly and went over to Evie who was still asleep.

  “What’s going on?” Mitchell asked.

  The nurse looked at Grace who stared straight ahead. She was so pale her lips had no color.

  “You say you’re Evie’s dad?” the nurse asked with arched brows.

  “I am,” Mitchell said.

  “You two divorced?” the nurse continued.

  “Angie, leave it alone,” Grace murmured, voice thin and shaky.

  The nurse glared up at Mitchell. “Took your sweet time coming here, didn’t you?”

  Mitchell opened his mouth to reply but before he could, Angie swept out the door.

  “You didn’t call or leave me a message,” Mitchell snapped at Grace.

  “You told me I like to take care of things on my own so I did. You don’t want me calling you either so…” she shrugged.

  She rubbed her temples with shaking hands and Mitchell frowned.

  “How long have you been here?”

  Grace blinked glassy eyes. “I don’t know.”

  “Why was the nurse checking your pulse?”

  Because she fainted when she heard her mom was dead, because she had a crying fit for two hours straight when she woke. She wasn’t sure if it was relief that caused the tears or realizing that Vicky would never change because her time was up. Had her mom committed suicide?

  “Grace?”

  She blinked and found Mitchell crouched in front of her. He grasped one of her numb hands and frow
ned when he realized how cold she was. She pulled away from him and shook her head. He snatched her left hand and brushed her bare ring finger.

  “Something’s wrong. Tell me.”

  There was nothing left to talk about. Having him so close after dreaming that he would come and tell her he loved her died a quick death after a day and a half with no sign of him. Now that he was here, he looked at her with accusing eyes that made her want to curl up and die. She jerked her hands out of his, reached into her pocket and withdrew the beautiful engagement ring. She didn’t look at it as she held it out to him. He didn’t remove his eyes from hers.

  “What are you doing?” he asked.

  “We don’t have to get married,” she whispered.

  His face hardened. “You’re going to chance that Vicky could get custody of Evie?”

  “No,” she swallowed and looked away from him. “Vicky overdosed. She can’t take Evie and Ray never wanted her so we don’t have to get married.”

  She couldn’t read his face and the silence that filled the room made her heart pound erratically. She opened his suit jacket and slipped the ring into a small pocket on the inside. He didn’t move. She scooted the chair back, rose and walked to Evie’s bedside. Evie looked more like herself now. She had color in her cheeks and the IV would be taken out right before they left the hospital today.

  “Grace-” Mitchell stopped and then, “How are you?”

  She let out a shaky laugh. “I’m fine. As usual.”

  He walked to the other side of Evie’s bed. His eyes weren’t on the baby. They were on her. The part of her that went through the wringer wanted to walk away and hide somewhere and cry until she couldn’t anymore. The other part of her refused to show him how much pain she was in.

  “When did you find out about Vicky?”

  “Two days ago.”

  “You came to Texas before you found out that Vicky passed?”

  She blew out a breath and looked at him. “Yeah. I couldn’t wait for you anymore and while I was here Evie got sick and I found out I don’t need to marry you anymore.”

  When he just stared at her she glared at him.