Silver Heart

by Green, Victoria

  On the outer edge of the wooden bench, white Styrofoam cup pressed to his lips, was Sawyer. My focus was off, so he appeared blurry through the viewfinder, but once I adjusted the focus, the look that emerged in his eyes was unmistakable. And heartbreaking. It was a look I’d seen once before.

  We’re sitting atop our usual snowy hill, retaining body heat by using cups of hot chocolate as hand-warmers. Children’s laughter surrounds us, and occasionally, a stray snowball flies our way, but Sawyer always manages to catch it before it’s able to do any damage.

  As a high school senior and a sophomore, we’re much too old to join in the snowball fights and sled races taking place around us, but hanging out on the hill is a habit we developed when we were little and refuse to abandon. This is the one special place where we feel far away from both of our worlds. It’s just us. No parents. No fights. No expectations. We’re safe.

  Or at least I think we’re safe. All afternoon, something has been on Sawyer’s mind. I can tell by the look in his eyes. His light green irises usually shimmer with specks of gold on a sunny day. Today, despite the bright sunshine, they resemble a turbulent sea.

  “So you’re really going to go to the Winter Formal with that asshat?” he finally says.

  “Jason Peers is not an asshat,” I reply.

  “You’re right. He’s an assdick.”

  I roll my eyes and take a sip of my hot chocolate. “Why do you care about the dance, anyway? You’re going to Aspen for that fancy exhibition this weekend.”

  “Big sponsors are gonna be there, Silver,” he tells me for the hundredth time this week. “It may turn out to be the most important ride of my life. Plus, the exhibition will obviously be way better than any dance.”

  “Whatever. You wouldn’t come to the dance even if there was no exhibition,” I tease, provoking the storm in his eyes.

  “Maybe I just hate the idea of watching you dance with an assdick,” he retorts.

  “Thanks for that visual,” I groan.

  “I still can’t believe you’re not coming to watch me compete. How am I supposed to shoot for a gold medal if I don’t have my Silver with me?” he says, softening slightly.

  I can’t help but melt at his words. But then I sober and remind him why I can’t go. “You know that the last time I went to Aspen with you, my parents flipped out and locked me in my room for an entire century.”

  “Because you ended up getting a B on that English paper and they thought taking the weekend off from studying had something to do with that.” He runs his fingers through his hair and shakes his head in disbelief.

  “Don’t forget that they were also pretty pissed that my photos from that event got printed in the paper. Another waste of time that would never get me into an Ivy League.”

  “Okay, fine. You don’t have to come.” He captures my eyes with his and doesn’t let go as he adds, “But that still doesn’t explain why you’re going out with Jason again.”

  I shrug. “It’s convenient.”

  Sawyer’s jaw tightens. “Oh, yeah? How so? The prick cheated on you because you wouldn’t have sex with him. Now you’re going to dance with him and pretend that everything’s fine? How the hell does any of that make sense, Silver?”

  “Things are different now.”

  “What?” he snaps. “Are you planning to put out?” The darkness in his eyes takes my breath away.

  “Shut up,” I say. “I’m not going to put out. I’m just going to dance and have fun with Maddie. She wanted to double date, so why not? It’s not like I have any other romantic prospects. Jason is the only guy in our school my parents approve of.”

  “Your parents are okay with a guy being a cheating assrat and treating their daughter like crap just because his daddy is a lawyer? Classy.” he scoffs.

  “Asshat, assdick, assrat. I love it.” I laugh, but he doesn’t look amused.

  “Fuck that shit. You deserve better, Silver.”

  “Well, do you know of any non-chauvinist candidates?” I hold my breath, waiting for him to speak.

  “I may know one.” He shrugs. “But he’s not into dancing.”

  I lock my jaw and match his gaze. “Too bad.”

  Like always, we have reached a stalemate. I mindlessly tug at one of my curls as I think about the fact that I’m never going to admit to being in love with Sawyer Carter.

  At least not out loud.

  What we have is too special to risk wrecking with such an earth-shattering confession. Especially since I don’t even know if Sawyer feels the same way about me. I don’t doubt that he loves me—he’s proven that time and time again, but I’m not sure where he stands romantically. With anyone.

  Every time I ask him about the countless girls that practically throw their panties at him—both on the slopes and at school—he just shrugs and says, “I can’t get serious with a girl. You’ve seen my parents. I don’t ever want to turn into my father.”

  “You won’t,” I always reply. “You’re nothing like him.”

  Sawyer is funny, sweet, thoughtful. Yeah, he occasionally gets high, but that’s mostly to escape his broken reality. He never drinks. He hates alcohol with a passion. Alcohol stands for broken jaws and busted lips, for loud fights and sleepless nights.

  Regardless of his fear of commitment, I’m certain that Sawyer Carter will have a girlfriend one day. And that will be the saddest day of my life.

  It’s always like this between us. Neither one of us will ever cross that boundary. And I’m okay with that. I’m okay forever being Sawyer Carter’s friend. As long as he never leaves me. He’s the reason I follow my passion for photography. He’s the reason I’ll have enough courage to tell my parents that I don’t want to go to med school and instead want to get a degree in photography.

  He’s my everything. We need each other now, and we’ll never stop needing each other.

  That Friday I end up ditching Jason and driving out to Aspen to watch Sawyer sweep the competition with the highest overall score in all categories. I’m grounded for another lifetime, but I don’t care. It’s worth seeing him smile one last time, because after that day, his entire world collapses.

  Now, as I stood in the middle of the busy square, watching the hurricane in Sawyer’s eyes, I couldn’t help but wonder what could’ve happened if I’d been more vocal about my feelings all those years ago. Over the course of our friendship, we’d both shown each other how much we cared, but we never dared to say anything. Actions spoke louder than words, but sometimes “I love you” needed to be said out loud. Or screamed at the top of your lungs.

  As I stood frozen in place, contemplating this very thought, Sawyer’s gaze drifted up and pierced my lens. The look in his eyes was so intense it caused me to utter a tiny gasp of surprise. But then the severity in his glare gave way to something softer, and the cool green waves surging in his irises took on a warmer hue.

  Lowering my camera, I slung its strap over my shoulder and walked over to him.

  “I’ve always been a fan of your work, but paparazzi stalking jobs, Silver? Really?” The muscles in his jaw rippled, and I could tell he was fighting to maintain his deadpan expression.

  I rested my hands on my hips and innocently looked down at him. “You don’t think it would be fun to chase hot, young sports stars around the globe for a living? I’m trying not to get too excited over the enormous amount of money I’m gonna pull in for my latest shot of Olympic hopeful Carter the Carver drinking hot chocolate next to a campfire.”

  Something dark flashed in his eyes. “I guess you gotta save up. Weddings can be quite pricy,” he said flatly.

  “Speaking of paparazzi, I read an article last year about you and that supermodel, Angelique,” I retorted, matching his tone. “Weren’t you dating? What happened to her?”

  “She wanted more.”

  “More?”

  “A diamond ring more.”

  “And you didn’t?”

  “She wasn’t the right girl,” he simply said.
>
  I raised my eyebrows and tried not to look too stunned. “So a gorgeous supermodel who’s a hundred on a scale of one to ten proposes to you and you run?”

  I was treated to a shrug. “I guess we’re not all ready to jump into marriage with just anyone.”

  A few of the girls sitting around the campfire turned our way, doing the whole “not looking, but totally eavesdropping” thing.

  Sawyer stood and took my hand. “Come with me.”

  Without further explanation, he led me on a short hike away from the village. The entire time we were trekking through the snow, he remained completely silent. Tension built in the pit of my stomach, mostly due to anticipation, but also from the discomfort brought on by being unable to read his expression. Regardless, I resolved to follow him, eager to talk about last night and explain my actions regarding the whole Preston situation.

  When we finally came to a stop at the peak of a small, empty hill shrouded by trees, I let out a silent breath of relief. Sawyer removed his hoodie and laid it on the snowy ground, inviting me to sit. I obeyed and he sank down beside me.

  Cold shivers ran down my legs, though he didn’t even flinch. The temperature was hovering just above freezing and he was only wearing a tight, long-sleeved Underarmour shirt and gray snowboarding pants, but he seemed completely unaffected by the wintry weather.

  Twisting his torso, Sawyer invaded my space, filling the distance between us with his body. I opened my mouth to speak, but he pressed his fingers against my lips to silence me.

  “Don’t talk. Just listen,” he said gruffly. “I need you to hear this, Silver.” Dropping his hand, he slowly pulled away and took a deep breath before continuing. “Last night, when Adam said those things about your perfect fiancé and reminded me of all the ways I couldn’t measure up, I fucking lost it. Anger ripped into me and wouldn’t let go. I felt jealousy and possessiveness I’d never felt before. My thoughts and feelings scared the shit out of me.”

  He picked up a handful of snow and crushed it between his fingers. “I know that I have no right to these emotions, but I can’t make them go away.” His eyes blazed with a startling intensity that could only be described as a blend of hurt, fury, and raw desire. “Tell me I’m not allowed to feel this way about you, Silver,” he demanded, leaning into me.

  I couldn’t. I didn’t want to. All my life, I had felt that way about him.

  “It’s been a very long time,” he continued when I refused to speak. “I get that you have your own life, and I’m clearly just a vacation fling—an old memory that sparked some new feelings.” I swallowed the bitter lump in the back of my throat, trying not to tear up.

  Sawyer was so much more than just an old memory.

  “Your family doesn’t approve of me and will probably never approve of me. I know that I have no entitlement over you, considering the way we left things six years ago.” His eyebrows knitted together and he leaned closer, digging his hands into the cold ground on either side of me.

  “Hell, I even know I should be pissed off about the cheating thing, but all I can think about is how much I want a do-over.” His usually icy breath was filled with the sweetness of hot chocolate, warming my insides. “I get that it’s too late. I know things are different, but the moment you appeared in front of me, all I wanted was to hold you and never let you go. What the fuck is wrong with me?”

  Nothing.

  Or, rather, everything that was wrong with me.

  I shook my head, struggling to find the right words to explain what I was feeling. We had a similar need. Sawyer had already escaped me once. I didn’t want it to happen again. Whenever he was near, my first instinct was to wrap my hands around him and refuse to release him. Perhaps we were both crazy, but this kind of crazy felt so right.

  “There’s never been anyone else, Silver. All these years, there’s never been another girl who could measure up to you.” His green eyes pierced through me. “For six years, all the girls I’ve been with were just forgotten names and blurry faces.”

  “What about Angelique?” I blurted out, kicking myself for sounding so jealous.

  “Angelique probably came closest to being something real, but her inner and outer beauty could never rival yours. Nor could her intelligence, wit, strength.” He tucked one of my curls behind my ear in the process stroking my jaw with the back of his hand. His cool fingers set my skin on fire. “You ruined me for everyone who came after you, and you did it by simply existing. It’s not like you were even my girlfriend. At least not officially. In my heart, you were always mine. I’m just pissed off that this revelation is coming years too late.”

  “So what now?” I asked breathlessly. The way he was positioned over me, his body seemed to be hovering above mine without actually touching me. I wanted to reach up and eradicate the coldness between us.

  “I brought you here with the intention of clearing the air before we go our separate ways again. I wanted to be the bigger man and wish you luck on your marriage, but the moment I saw you, my plan suddenly derailed.” He shifted his weight, pressing himself closer to me. “Now I’m having trouble balancing what I know is the right thing to do and what I really want to do.”

  “What’s the right thing to do?” I had the urge to grab his leg and throw it over me so that I could pull his entire weight on top of me.

  “Leave you alone,” he whispered hoarsely. “Let you be happy with that perfect fiancé.”

  If that was right, then I definitely wanted to be wrong.

  I gazed up at him with a challenging stare. “And what is it that you want to do, Sawyer?”

  “Taste your lips. Claim your heart. Never let you go.” His hand slid to the back of my neck, and he tugged my head forward so that our lips were touching. “And if we’re being honest, right now, I want to push you back into the snow and have my way with you,” he murmured, gazing at me through seductively hooded eyes. “Right here. Right now.”

  It was impossible to think straight. It was as if my brain had gone to an entirely different planet, leaving me to fend for myself. “But…you’re not…going to do that?” I finally managed.

  “Don’t think that it didn’t occur to me to punch your guy out, and then sling you over my shoulder like some caveman,” Sawyer said. “Just like I wanted to do with that dickface Jason Peers all those years ago. But you know I can’t let myself be that guy.”

  He quickly drew away from me and leaned back on his hands. Gazing up at the sky, he said, “I’ve seen Asshole cheat on my mother countless times, but he’d beat her to a pulp if she even glanced at another man. The last thing I’d ever want is for you to see any glimpse of my father in me. You’ve been around enough of his rage-fueled animalistic outbursts to know that I never want to be that man. There was a reason I never told you how I felt about you all those years ago.”

  How he felt about me? Did those words mean what I thought they meant?

  “What was it?” I whispered, afraid to breathe and disturb this trance he seemed to be in.

  When he looked back down at me his eyes were filled with sadness. “I didn’t want to allow myself to care about anyone so much. I was scared shitless that I would turn into him. The jealousy, the possessiveness, the things he did to my mother…they weren’t right. That’s not how a man should act around someone he loves.”

  He shut his eyes and took a deep breath. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to fight your man. I’ll find a way to work out my jealousy and anger on the slopes. Like I always do.”

  “I’m not worried. But just so you know, my perfect fiancé is no longer in the picture,” I told him, suddenly feeling like a weight has been lifted off my chest.

  Confusion filled his eyes as he glanced over at me. “What do you mean?”

  “We’re not together. We never really were,” I admitted. “It was an arrangement of convenience to keep our parents off our backs. This morning, I found out that Preston is very much in love with another guy. And I’m very happy for him because I also
happen to like another guy.”

  “Why didn’t you say something last night?” There was an immediate shift in Sawyers’ posture. His shoulders straightened and the tension on his face melted slightly.

  “What was I supposed to say?” I asked, my voice rising in exasperation. “That the past few years of my life had been a big, fake shit show? That on the outside I look like I’ve got it all together, but on the inside I rarely feel anything? That ever since you left…I gave up trying to live for myself? That I just did whatever my parents wanted because it was easier and I was too scared to stand up to them on my own?” More quietly, I added, “You left. Adam left. Maddie left. I had no one.”

  “But you persevered.” He placed his hand on my knee and peered into my eyes. “You’re a strong girl, Silver.”

  “I persevered and will go on persevering. That was never the issue,” I said. “I just didn’t dare be the real me in the process. But then this week everything changed. Maddie was back with her wild stories, then I saw you and I started to feel things that I was too scared to admit had even existed inside me. You guys shook me awake. And it’s scary being this awake and feeling so strong and not knowing what I’m doing. I feel like my world is spinning out of control and I’m not sure what I want to do with my life. I’m questioning everything.”

  The moment I reunited with Sawyer, a little piece of me began to unravel, exposing my raw insides—the thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs that I’d tried to keep hidden from everyone for so long.

  “Do I go on being this safe person I know I can be, or do I jump headfirst into the unknown and run the risk of ruining my life?” I asked.

  “You know my answer to that, but I’m the type who likes to jump headfirst. Doing something dangerous can have good payoffs.” The right side of his mouth quirked up in a small smile. “Just do it, Silver. Take some risks.”

  “What if I fall?”

  “Then I’ll be here to catch you.”

  “And what if I fail?”

  “Then at least you tried,” he said, shrugging. “Every single one of my broken bones got me where I am today. The ones my father broke pushed me to go out there and get better at snowboarding so that I could escape my reality. The ones I broke not landing on my board properly pushed me to train harder and get better. I don’t regret a single fall, no matter how much it hurt. The only thing I’ve ever regretted in my life is being too chickenshit to take a chance on us.”