“I have an interview for a summer internship on Saturday. In Denver,” I told him.
I had planned to stand up to my mother and pass on Dr. Forrest’s request to meet. But now that Sawyer was leaving, maybe it was best that I slowly began to return to my reality.
He tightened his grip around my waist. “I’ll come see you when I’m done,” he said. “We’ll find a way to make us work, you’ll see. We’ll be happy.”
“How many times have we played those wishing games when we were kids?” I asked. “Aren’t we too old for that?” Allowing ourselves to be deluded by the impossible would only hurt more in the end.
I felt his pulse speed up as it beat against my body. “It doesn’t have to be a game, Silver.”
He was holding me so firmly my head began to spin. My fingers dug into his back as I tried to merge myself with him. Neither one of us wanted to let the other go.
“What now?” he whispered against me, his voice strained and hoarse.
I kissed the top of his head. “Now you go qualify for the Olympics.” The words stung as they slipped past my lips, but they had to be said.
It was as if nothing had changed in six years. I still believed in Sawyer’s success too much to ask him to stay here with me. And I was still too much of a coward to stand up to my parents and take a risk on something I wanted. No amount of wishing for perfection in life could fix this predicament.
Sawyer took a deep breath and looked toward the bed. “Can we just have one more hour?” he asked. “I want to lie here with you, tucked away in our own world for a while longer. I want to hold onto you until the very last second. I need to, Silver.”
I nodded, though I knew that letting him go afterwards would be even harder.
Maybe in the next hour we would find a way to freeze time…
That hour passed and Sawyer left. Thursday morning came and went. In an attempt to cheer me up, Maddie got me out of bed, practically strapped on my snowboard for me, and drove us to the slopes. Her remedy for heartbreak was to keep moving. According to her, constant action ensured there was no time for the mind to wander.
By the afternoon, I’d had enough of action and snowboarding to last me an entire lifetime. Craving a change of scenery, I yearned to leave the resort.
Not that I had anywhere to go.
Where would I escape to? Back to Denver? Back to the past and my carefully planned future?
Unfortunately, my future had other plans. It arrived in the form of my angry mother, with Adam tagging along behind her like a puppy on a leash. She burst into our cabin just as we were taking off our boots, nearly mowing down a stunned Maddie with her big fur coat.
“Dylan Evelyn Silver!” she huffed. Her gray eyes were wide and frenzied as she took me in. “What in the world has gotten into that head of yours?”As always, her perfectly coiffed hair was pulled back in a bun. I couldn’t actually ever recall seeing those curls my father had fallen in love with.
“Mom?” I shook my head and blinked rapidly. As if that was going to make her disappear and change the scene unfolding in front of me. “Adam?” I gaped at my brother.
He shot me an apologetic look. “Preston told his parents about Marcus, and Mom found out about your relationship sham,” he recited. “So she took the first flight to Vancouver and forced me to drive her over to the cabin. Sorry.”
I rubbed my temples. “Why are you here, Mom? What are you do—”
“I’m just trying to understand this predicament with you and Preston,” my mother cut in. “It must be some kind of mistake. I’m sure we can fix it. If you just talk to him and make him understand that your relationship—”
“There was never any relationship!” My heart beat wildly and my voice quivered, but I took a deep breath and forged on.
My mother looked at me as if I’d spoken another language. “I don’t understand.”
She never did. In that moment, something in me snapped, giving way to power and anger I had been suppressing for what felt like forever.
“What don’t you understand?” I cried. “That I was living a lie because you made me too afraid to be honest with you?”
Her face blanched. “What are you saying?”
“Preston is in love with someone else. We’re not going to be together. Ever. End of story,” I said. I don’t know what had come over me, but I suddenly wanted her to know about Sawyer. “And I’m also in love with someone else.”
“Your brother said that Carter boy was here.” Calling Sawyer “that Carter boy” stood for everything my mother hated about his family. She met my eyes. “Please tell me you haven’t been seeing him behind my back.”
“Behind your back?” I scoffed. “I’m not sixteen anymore, Mom. You and Dad can’t keep telling me what I can and can’t do.”
“Dylan!” My mother wobbled as if her legs were going to collapse from under her.
“Maybe you should sit down,” Adam said, grabbing her elbow.
She ignored him and continued to drill her cool gaze into me. “Your father and I are just trying to look out for your best interests. If it wasn’t for us, you and your brother would have never had the opportunities that you’ve been lucky enough to have. So don’t be a brat.”
“A brat?” Though she had just flung a simple word at me, my cheeks burned as if she’d physically slapped me with it. “When have you ever known me to be a brat, Mom?”
A blast of fury exploded in my chest as something acidic burned the back of my throat. I felt like I was going to vomit. “All these years, I’ve been nothing but the good daughter you so desperately wanted! It’s you who always seems to need more. Better grades, world-renowned internships, perfect husbands. I’m so fucking tired of it!”
My mother’s hand fluttered to her chest. “I feel ill. Oh, I think I’m going to be sick.”
So did I.
I felt betrayed by my own family. Not good enough to be the person I really wanted to be.
“I’ve given you everything you ever wanted,” my mother moaned, looking over at Adam. “Didn’t I? Didn’t I?!”
My brother stiffened, but didn’t say anything.
Traitor.
Taking a deep breath, I counted to five. It didn’t help with the feeling of nausea, but at least I’d managed to regain some control over my voice.
“I appreciate everything you and Dad had done for me, but somewhere along the way you forgot one important thing,” I told her. “You’ve never allowed me to just be me. I couldn’t talk to you—daughter to mother—because you didn’t listen to anything I had to say. All my life, you’ve never asked me what I wanted.”
“But…” Once again, she was clutching her chest. “I know what you need, Dylan. That’s a mother’s job.”
“You think you know what I need,” I retorted. “There’s a difference.”
“I know that you need to come home with me,” she retorted, her jaw set. “Right now, so that we can straighten out this Preston situation and get you set up with Dr. Forrest.” Her cool voice cut through me, chilling me to the bone. “I already pre-booked your ticket, but we must leave right away if we want to make our flight.”
I kept my feet firmly planted. “No.”
Ignoring me, my mother finally acknowledged Maddie. “Could you please bring Dylan’s things home with you?”
“No, she can’t,” I spoke for my best friend. “Because I’m not going anywhere. I have one more day of vacation left, and I’m staying here with Maddie. Who happens to be my best friend and not my personal butler. Have a safe flight back to Denver, Mom.”
With those words, I stormed out of the cottage, Maddie running after me with my coat in hand.
Fuck, fuck, fuck
I’d never done that before, never said those things to my mother. The only time I had ever stood up to her—after sneaking out to one of Sawyer’s competitions and getting in trouble for it—she had faked a heart attack to pay me back for upsetting her. I had no idea what kind of wrath waited for me in
Denver when I got back.
But right now, I didn’t care.
Choosing to keep my future on lockdown for one final day, I agreed to tag along on Maddie and Connor’s date to ride the special scenic gondola between Whistler and Blackcomb mountain peaks.
I was going to keep smiling and pretend to enjoy myself, even though I felt like hell on the inside. There was a tight knot at the pit of my stomach and it was growing bigger and heavier with each passing minute. My parents and Adam were the only family I had and I had royally screwed things up. I was fairly certain that I would never be able to come back from the stuff I had said to my mother.
My heart was also in knots, although for a much different reason. Sawyer’s absence left a dark void inside me. I wanted him back. I needed him back.
So, so bad.
As we lined up to purchase our tickets, I watched Maddie and Connor joke around with each other and tried to absorb some of their happiness. She sank her hands into the front pocket of his hoodie, pulling him in for a kiss. He whispered something in her ear and she blushed.
Madison Evans—the most brazen girl I knew—actually blushed.
My heart swelled. Partly because it missed the hell out of Sawyer and his hoodies. I wished that was my hand in Sawyer’s pocket, that those were Sawyer’s lips on mine…
But a piece of me was also happy for Maddie. Seeing her flirt and laugh with Connor brought a smile to my face. The bold, unabashed Maddie I knew was reduced to acting like a smitten schoolgirl. That was certainly one for the history books. Especially since Connor was different from the men she usually pursued. He was a lot quieter and much sweeter than her standard conquests. She had even entertained the idea of going to visit him in Australia this summer.
Just as I began to think that there would never be anyone else for me who could even come close to measuring up to Sawyer, my phone rang. My heart skipped a beat, then quickly sank when I glanced down at the caller ID.
“Adam?”
“Remember when I told you that I couldn’t be someone else?” he asked, sounding almost manic. He didn’t wait for me to respond. “I’ve thought a lot about those words and I don’t think you should either.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t think you should continue trying to be someone you’re not, Dylan.” He took a deep breath before continuing. “Someone who isn’t happy. A career in medicine…I don’t think it’s your calling. I think you’ll regret not following your passion for photography.”
I was stunned speechless. Clearing my throat, I asked, “Where is this coming from, Adam?”
“From trying to be a better person,” he said. “It’s my attempt at finally being a brother. I feel horrible for what I did. I shouldn’t have brought Mom up to the cabin. It was a shitty thing for me to do. I thought I was helping, but clearly you need a different kind of help.”
“I need a sibling I can count on,” I told him. “A brother who won’t stab me in the back.”
“Do you ever think Mom and Dad brainwashed us?” Adam sighed. “Not like actual brainwashing, but I feel like maybe they had conditioned us to be the people they wanted us to be. I mean I know that’s the role of a parent, but maybe they took it too far. What if I only love medicine because of Dad?”
I shrugged, forgetting that he couldn’t see me. “I don’t know. I guess the most important thing is that you love medicine, right?”
“Yes, and thinking back to this past weekend and how you wielded that camera with the same enthusiasm I do a scalpel makes me realize just how much you love photography.” His voice rose slightly as he added, “And how blind and unsupportive I’d been all these years.”
For the first time in my life, my brother was actually speaking to me. Not just about my photography—a topic that he had continuously undervalued—but simply talking to me like a sibling. It felt alien, but I welcomed the change. Especially after everything that had happened with our mother.
“I don’t know what I would do if someone told me that I couldn’t be a doctor. It probably would kill me,” he added. “So I think you need to stop wasting your potential for happiness and go after what you want.”
“Now I know why you were curious about brainwashing. You’ve been abducted by aliens, right? Where is my serious, stern, no-nonsense brother?” I attempted a joke, but my reality seemed far from funny.
“I’m serious, Dylan,” he said.
I closed my eyes and sighed. “But…” How do I even put all the “buts” into words?
“But what?”
“But all the hard work and years of school,” I groaned. “But mom and dad. But a million different reasons!”
I listened to him breathe in and out as he considered my words. Finally, just as I thought he was going to say something along the lines of “you’re right” or “never mind,” he surprised me.
“Yes, you’ve worked hard to earn an undergraduate degree from a prestigious university, but I don’t think you should look at it as time wasted,” he said. “More like...valuable lessons learned. As for mom and dad, I can’t say they will understand. In fact, I know they won’t. You saw Mom today. She almost faked another heart attack. I’ve been around enough arguments the three of you have had about your photography to know that they don’t approve. But I can promise you that I’ll be there to stand up to them with you. Right by your side. If you decide to go after your dream, you won’t have to go through it alone. I mean it this time. No more betrayals from me.”
“You’d piss off mom and dad for me?” I scoffed. “Really? You? For me?”
“You’re my sister, Dylan.” I could almost visualize his smile as warmth colored his words. “It should’ve always been ‘you and me against the world,’ but for all these years it hasn’t worked out that way. That’s my fault, I know, so let me start making it up to you.”
“Well, if I end up going in that direction, I’ll definitely need your help.” The problem was, that if was a really big if. An all-caps IF. If I gathered enough courage. If I decided to throw caution to the wind, let go, and lose control.
If, if, if…
“I just dropped Mom off at the airport, but I’ll start working on softening Dad for you as soon as I get back to our hotel,” Adam promised. “I want to help you, Dylan.”
My phone buzzed with another call, but I ignored it, not even bothering to look at the display. Hundred bucks said it was my mother.
One more day of freedom. Please.
Ten seconds later, Maddie was calling my name and pointing to her phone. The nerve of that woman! With a wave of a hand, I signaled for her to ignore the call and returned to my conversation with my brother.
“There’s one more thing you should know, Dylan,” he said.
“What is it?”
“It’s about…” he trailed off.
“About?” I prodded.
Adam cleared his throat. “About Sawyer.” He coughed and cleared his throat again. “He’s a good guy.”
“Why are you telling me this?” And why was he telling me now? “Sawyer is gone.”
“Because…” Taking a deep breath, he said, “Uhh...”
Most of the time, my brother excelled at being straightforward. To a fault. So what had him so tongue-tied all of a sudden? “Just spit it out, Adam.”
“Right.” There was another pause on his end. Finally, he spoke, “The day of your high school graduation…Sawyer came back to the city. He had the summer off and two tickets to Europe in hand. He wanted to surprise you with a graduation trip.”
“What?” I couldn’t believe my ears. This was the first time I had ever heard about this. “What the hell are you talking about, Adam?”
“He had plans to take you backpacking around some of the most picturesque places in the world so that you could expand your photography portfolio,” he said. “When he came to ask Mom and Dad’s permission to take you away, Mom flipped out and ordered me to make sure the two of you never spoke. I think she was afraid that
if you went away with him, you’d never come back. That was the overall premise, but she had a bunch of theories regarding what would happen—from you falling in love and getting knocked up to you discovering your passion for photography. All of them had one thing in common: you’d never end up going to Stanford.”
My mind was numb. “Oh, God. What did you do, Adam?”
“I talked to Sawyer and told him that you already had summer plans with Jason Peers.”
“What?!” A blazing bolt of anger pierced my chest. “I didn’t have any plans with Jason.” In fact, by that point in time, I wasn’t even talking to Jason anymore.
“I know. But I told him that Jason was taking you on a real trip. I said that a girl like you deserved luxury and five-star resorts instead of that backpacking and hostel crap Sawyer had in mind. I also told him that it was best if he didn’t attend your graduation ceremony because you couldn’t forgive him for leaving, and seeing him would mess with your mind.”
“What the fuck, Adam?!”
“I told a lot of lies, Dylan,” he sighed. “I was an idiot. And a coward. I didn’t know how to stand up to Mom and Dad, so I somehow convinced myself that I was doing you a favor. I’m sorry.”
“How could you do that? How could you say those things?” I screamed, not caring that people around me were starting to stare. “Sawyer was your friend too…”
“Please, please don’t hate me, Dylan.” His voice broke and he sounded like he was about to cry. “Allow me to make it up to you.”
“You’re my fucking brother!” I cried as I tried to gain my bearing. The world was too bright. The white snow was blinding, making me dizzy.
“Please don’t hate me.”
“I can’t hate you, Adam. But right now, I really, truly don’t like you. I’m going to need some time before I can get over this and accept your proposal to try and work on being siblings. A lot of time.” With that, I hung up. Placing my hands on my knees, I bent over and tried to steady my vision.
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