Against Me (Cedar Tree Book 3)

by Freya Barker

  Tentative hands slide over my shoulders and into my hair, holding my head close and I can't hold back the sob that's been trying to escape me. Fucking hell. How is it possible that a normal, happy family like ours got so destroyed? Wasn't it enough we lost Nascha? Times like these I really have trouble believing there is a God, or any other benign higher power for that matter.

  I don't exactly know how long we are sitting like that. At some point I could hear movement but I never bothered looking up. All I care about now is in my arms.

  "Thank you," I manage to croak out my head still in her neck, breathing in her scent.

  "I want to be here, no need for thanks," she whispers so softly I can barely feel the air moving.

  She sits up and reaches over to grab a box of tissues of the side table. I notice her tearstained face and red eyes, and imagine I probably look about the same. She makes quick work of her own tears and the smudges of make up under her eyes, before she gently wipes my face. I let her. I'm raw, fully exposed and completely at her mercy. When she's done she takes my face in her hands and kisses me softly on the lips, sliding a hand over my head.

  "I tried calling, to see if you even wanted me here," I open my mouth to interrupt, but she places two fingers on my lips to shut me down, "And I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing all the way up to the moment you took me on your lap. I'm so glad I followed my gut and came."

  I take her hand away from my mouth after kissing her fingers, "I turned my phone off. My instincts were to run home to you as fast as I could get there and I knew that I would, if just heard your voice. I had to see this through―I needed to know why my father breathes when my mother was burning to death just a few feet away. And I needed to hear it from him."

  "Shhhh, I get it."

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  "I smell like a pot roast."

  I almost choke on a sip of coffee when I hear Katie's comparison.

  We just got back to the hotel room from my mother's combined Navajo and Christian funeral and Katie had been fascinated with the smudging ceremony. The side effects of the smoky sage are apparently less appealing to her.

  Turning toward the choking sounds I was making, her eyes suddenly turn big as saucers.

  "Oh no. That slipped out, that was terrible. I'm so sorry. I wasn't trying to be disrespectful."

  A deep rumbling chuckle escapes me as I lean in and quickly kiss the worry off her lips.

  "It's fine, little one."

  Relief slides over her face as she says a bit sheepishly, "Phew, seriously. The more time I spend with you, the less control I seem to have over my filters."

  "For your information, I'm considering that a compliment. Don't want any filters, just you is perfect."

  A light blush creeps up from the V-neck of her long-sleeved t-shirt and slowly spreads over her cheeks under my scrutiny. I'm looking my fill, having kept myself a little distant the last few days leading up the funeral. With so much to sort through and organize, my father still in the hospital and my brother in the wind, there was only me. Gus stayed on to focus on the investigation while I have been dealing with the arrangements for my mother, and despite Katie's offers for help, I needed to do this myself. Honour my mother in a way I know would've pleased her.

  No hiding my hunger for Katie now, and from the look on her face, she knows it.

  "I... I’ve been wanting to show you something," she says almost shyly, immediately peaking my interest with visions of sexy underwear and soft naked skin. Instead she rolls her chair back from where I'm sitting on the edge of the bed and locks her wheels. Gripping the edge of her armrests, she pushes herself up to stand in front of me. Automatically my arms shoot out to grab hold of her but I pull back when she shakes her head.

  "Yeah, I've been working pretty hard with Kendra while you were gone. It's not much, but progress for me," she says as she's about to sit back down in her chair, looking defeated because I haven't been able to say a damn thing.

  Fuck me.

  "Katie," I manage to get out before I grab her around the waist and twist her onto the bed, throwing myself over her with my elbows by her shoulders and my hands holding her face in place. I rub my nose along hers and kiss her lightly. "So fucking proud of you. You're incredible, and you can do whatever you put your mind to, my Yázhí. So fucking fierce."

  "I missed you."

  "I know. Me too. I'm sorry for not showing you how much it's meant to have you with me these past few days," I tell her, peppering her face and neck with kisses. "Sorry I haven't paid attention to this amazing body except to take comfort holding it at night. Sorry I..."

  "Shut it and kiss me properly," she interrupts with heat in her eyes.

  "Yes ma'am." I have no problem complying. I'm so hard for her, I don't care Gus is waiting to meet us at Manny's office in an hour. I don't care how we spent our morning. All I care about is getting inside this woman, right fucking now.

  Our mouths clash, so hungry for each other. My tongue licks inside her mouth and I'm immediately immersed in her rich coffee-laced flavor. So fucking delicious. Hands are everywhere; hers are trying to get into the back of my jeans and the feel of her blunt nails on the skin of my ass almost has me blowing my load. Mine are pulling and jerking on her shirt, trying to get it off her but unwilling to break the voracious feeding of our mouths. I'm grinding my cock against the wet heat between her legs, growling in frustration at the layers of fabric between us.

  "I need to feel you," Katie hums against my mouth.

  I have to force myself to pull away and within seconds my clothes have been yanked off and I'm back on the bed, working on Katie's jeans. She has already flung her shirt aside and is sliding off her bra, exposing those full luscious breasts to my view.

  "Hurry..." she urges me on.

  In one move I have her flipped over, two pillows under her hips and with one cock tease through her soaking wet cunt, I surge balls' deep into heaven with a loud roar.

  "Fuck, baby. I'll never get enough of you. Never." I mumble into her neck as I fold my body around hers and fuck her hard. No words from Katie but deep moans each time my hips lift hers a little when I am seated deep. One of her hands is clenched around the back of my head, trying to grab on to my hair, the other is slipping between her own legs. Fucking hot. She's bucking underneath me with a finger furiously working her clit when I feel her finger push alongside me into her opening, stretching herself and putting incredible pressure on my cock.

  "Christ, yes. Just like that. Fuck that's incredible. I'm gonna come..."

  I’m Not gonna leave her behind and slide my hand over top hers, putting added pressure on her clit and her inserted finger.

  "Caleb!" She screams out her release right before I hurl over.

  "God, Caleb. So, so good," she mumbles with her face pressed down in the pillows. I roll my upper body off her while still connected. My heart is pumping so hard I can't trust myself to speak right now, so I soothe myself and her by stroking her shoulders and her back, bringing us both down from an intense ride.

  When she rolls her head to face me with a smile I can't hold back any longer.

  "I love you, Katie. Have for a long time. I get that it may be soon for you, but it's been years for me. I loved you with long hair, hard-edged and athletic just as I love you now; rounder, softer and with pixie hair. I loved you battered, bruised and in a coma. Loved you cranky and ready to give up. I even loved you when you were loving another. It never went away; it only got stronger."

  An emotional roller coaster. This whole day has been an emotional roller coaster, and we're not even halfway through yet.

  After a very moving and sad funeral this morning for Caleb's mother, we're supposed to head back to the hotel to pack up and meet with Gus at Detective Jordan's office, but we got slightly distracted.

  I've been on pins and needles for days, 'cause even though I know intellectually that Caleb wants me here; he's told me so, I feel unsure of my place. At night he's been in bed with me, even wr
apped around me, but he's made no attempts to touch me sexually. Mind you, neither have I. The whole atmosphere is loaded and heavy and I have to fight my instincts to run off the whole time. The next thing I know I say the most god-awful thing you could ever say having just buried someone who died in a fire. If my gun wasn't tucked away in the glove compartment of Caleb's Tahoe, I'd've shot myself. Pot roast? I'm floored when Caleb actually laughs.

  Somehow we end up here, face to face, Caleb half on me half off me and still partially inside me. And saying possibly the most beautiful words ever spoken. I can feel the tears rolling down my face, again with the crying, and I don't know what to say... or to do, for that matter. I'm overwhelmed and terrified to give into this feeling of happiness at perhaps having found something lasting. So I hold on to all the emotions that are struggling for the surface, determined to work through them first. Instead, I lean in and pour as much of what I feel into the kiss I give him. Caleb pulls back, wipes my face with the back of his hand and smiles.

  "Gonna get something to clean you up. Sit tight."

  It isn't until he finally slides all the way out of me, that I feel his come running down. Crud. Up on my elbows, looking down at the wet spot between my legs I'm trying to get my head around the fact that on top of everything else, I've just had unprotected sex. No condom.

  Caleb sits on the bed beside me and calmly starts wiping himself off me.

  "We didn't use a condom."

  I can hear the panic in my own voice.

  "I know," Caleb says calmly.

  "How can you be so calm? Did you know?" I admit, that last question does come out a bit accusatory and he notices, giving me a lift of his eyebrow.

  "I just noticed now when I got up."

  Again with the calm, when I can feel a mild hysteria nibbling at my sanity. Mind going in twenty different directions at once, not the least of which that I'm in no shape to take care of a baby. Hell, I’m still trying to figure out how to take care of myself. Two warm big hands grab my face and tilt it up so I have no choice but to look in his mesmerizing eyes.

  "Don't panic. Deep breathing, sweets, you're starting to hyperventilate." A few deep slow breaths help slow down my racing heart―a little.

  "I'm sorry I was too caught up in the moment to protect you. I swear that has never happened to me before. And Katie, I'm clean; I've been tested just last year."

  "I'm at much at fault as you are, Caleb, but tested last year? Surely you've been active in the meantime?" Not that I had, but I've kinda been out of commission. When he shakes his head no, my mouth drops open.

  "Seriously? It's been a year?" I immediately slap my hand over my mouth, "Sorry, it's really none of my business."

  "Stop that," he growls, a dark look in his eyes. "It is very much your business, especially now, and yes, it's been longer than a year and I know you've been checked out top to bottom more than I'm sure you'd care to remember recently. I'd say we're pretty safe on the transmittable diseases. That leaves a big one, because I'm guessing you haven't been too preoccupied with birth control the last few months?" he teases with a slight tilt to his mouth.

  "Pffff, not particularly. No."

  "Then we'll deal with whatever happens if and when it happens."

  "We could get the morning-after pill?" I suggest carefully, even though it feels completely wrong. I have to try and stay rational, but it's hard when Caleb's eyes are glaring at me.

  "Is that what you want?" An edge has crept into his voice, one I haven't heard before and it gives me a chill.

  "It's not just about what I want, Caleb. I happen to think you should have a say in this too," I try to explain.

  "If by chance I got you pregnant, however rotten the timing might be, I don't think I could be happier."

  "Wow. Okay no. I don't like the idea of messing with nature."

  Before the last syllables were out of my mouth, Caleb's tongue was invading, leaving me absolutely breathless.

  "Good, good answer," he mumbles against my mouth when he finally lets me up for air.

  "Just be prepared for an occasional massive freak-out, okay?" I warn him, "I'm not really getting a chance to wrap my head around one thing before another blindsides me. And Caleb?" I want to give him something, "You know I have all this stuff in here," I take his hand and put it on my chest, "all these feelings, most of them for you that I'm just not used to."

  "I know, and there's no rush, although the simple solution would be to stop trying to wrap your head around things, and start free falling." He presses his lips to my forehead before he gets up off the bed. Then he bends to bring his mouth to my ear and whispers;

  "Life won't wait, Yázhí."

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  "Makes no sense to keep you here, Caleb. That is, unless you changed your mind about your father?"

  I shake my head. Not a chance in hell am I changing my mind about that one. When my father decided to save himself and leave my mother to the smoke and the flames, he became lost to me. I'll never understand how it was even possible for him to walk out that house, leaving his wife of almost forty-five years to die. I'm not sticking around to sit by his hospital bed, holding his hand. Not gonna happen.

  We're almost an hour late getting here and although Manny seems in a forgiving mood since I'd just buried my mother. Gus is obviously irritated with the delay and lets us know it. The blush on Katie's face doesn't help when he takes a long and pointed look at the clock on the wall above the door in Manny's office. I'm sure he can guess the reason we're late.

  "I guess I don't get where you're coming from," I tell him, trying to keep my own irritation at bay. "It's possible my brother will still come out of the woodwork. I'll just start beating the bushes again. Perhaps..."

  "This is what I mean! You're not thinking straight, Caleb. This is not like you. Where is your focus?" Gus suddenly blows up, startling everyone.

  "What the fuck? Gus, you and I need a word," I say walking to the door and holding it open. I'm not about to get into a pissing match in front of everyone.

  "Be right back, guys. Excuse us for a minute," I tell Manny and Katie who are watching Gus stalk out the door in front of me.

  He keeps walking until we hit the far side of the parking lot and stands there, head down and hands in his pockets.

  "You have an issue with me, you come to me. You don't blurt it out in the middle of a meeting with the local PD."

  Gus blows out a big breath and runs both his hands through his hair.

  "I'm sorry. My bad. This case―the threat, worrying about Emma and the girls last night. I can feel control slipping away and frankly; I'm scared. Fuck, Caleb. Your mother is dead. That may not have been the intent but whoever set that fire had to know that possibility was there with people in the house. It's frustration that we can't find a hard lead. Nothing to get our teeth into. And before you get up in arms," he cautions, hand up, as if he knows I'm a second away from jumping in, "I'm not questioning your efforts or your abilities. I'm saying that with the obvious attack on your family, your brother's involvement in dangerous illegal activity. I'm not so sure anymore that people would want to talk to you. The mere fact that you are related will have them going another block just to avoid you. Can't you see?"

  I see the sincerity in his face, and fuck; he's got a point.

  "Yeah. Put that way, you make sense, but Christ, Gus. Do you have to fucking act like an absolute dick?"

  The smirk on his face shows he's well aware.

  "Point taken, but there's one more thing I want you to consider: Katie's safety."

  "Nothing will happen to her," I bite off, bristling at the suggestion that would be something I wouldn't be constantly aware of. Now with the added awareness she could be pregnant. Hell, we could be pregnant, I was even more driven to protect her.

  "No it won't," he agrees, "because I want you to stick close to her. Fuck Caleb, go home, check on the progress of your house and for God's sake, keep her close at all times. I'm so not having a good fee
ling about this one. These guys have resources we can't even begin to imagine and having you up front in this investigation would be a constant burr up their ass. You are the closest connection they have to your brother and if burning down your parents' place, killing your mother, doesn't bring him to the surface, they'll be stepping it up a notch to get what they want. I know you don't want to think it, but you’re vulnerable, more so because you have a woman who is vulnerable."

  When he sees my raised eyebrow, he chuckles. "Both you and I know she's not half as vulnerable as she looks, even in that damn wheelchair, but they don't."

  Once again I have to agree with him.

  "They could kill two birds with one stone by targeting her. She's had eyes on the oldest, Ernesto, and can place him at Larchwood at or around the time that nurse was killed. You think the Feds aren't digging into that investigation to try and get him on murder? Katie's been too visible, from both sides." Rubbing his hands over his face and through his hair again, it's starting to look like he just rolled out of bed.

  It feels fucking uncomfortable discussing Katie with Gus. She's my concern, my responsibility, but I've gotta admit I'm so in awe of that woman, I've had my head up my ass and underestimated how vulnerable she is.

  "Could've done without a dressing down from my woman's ex-lover, but I hear you."

  "Can't erase the past, my friend. Trust me, had I known then how you felt, I'd have pulled out right away," he says both hands up defensively.

  "Fucking bad choice of words, man," I growl in response and the bastard starts laughing. It's all I could do not to put my fist through his face. I'm having a fucking hard day here, but he only laughs harder when I glare at him.

  "I guess; 'I'm sorry, slip of the tongue' wouldn't be an appropriate apology then either, would it?"