Onyx & Starr 4: A Forever Kind of Love

by Lady Lissa

  I listened intently to her words and decided that I’m going to take her advice. I’m going to forgive myself and look at this thing a little differently. That was a month ago. I’m still seeing Gaby, but I now have the world by the tail. I am excelling in school and just enjoying my life.

  I’ve been at school almost two months and haven’t visited home yet. My mom tells me every day how much she missed me, but she’ll have to miss me a little longer. I have no plans on going home until the Thanksgiving break. I just don’t feel the need to rush home every weekend, even though I miss my mom. Being away from home is helping me broaden my horizons and spread my wings.

  Not only that, but the chances of me running into Gregory or his wife are slim to none. They have no reason to be anywhere near or around this campus so I’m good to go. I’ve been chilling and keeping to myself. I attend my counseling meetings once a week now, instead of twice a week. Lucky for me, my dad has some good insurance and they approved my counseling sessions through his insurance. That means I can go as much as I need it.

  I haven’t seen my cousin, Mandy on campus since I’ve been here, even though we live in the same dormitory. I choose not to run into her on purpose though. I mean, the way I feel about her trifling ass, why would I want to see her. It’s crazy to me how the two of us used to be so close growing up and now I can’t stand to be anywhere near her. I don’t even like the sound of her voice.

  Mandy is a bitch and I’m sure everyone knows that shit. I wish she would just crawl in a fucking hole and die. I’ve even though about killing her, but I don’t belong in jail. I’m too cute to be any butch bitch’s bitch. Besides, I only like my pussy to get eaten and beat up by a dude. Not by some bitch with her long tongue and fake dick.

  I have, however been running into Onyx. The first time I saw him, I did a double take. I had forgotten all about him, to be honest. I’ve had so much shit going on in my own life lately that his handsome self had slipped my mind. But after seeing him on campus that first time, I vowed to not let him slip my mind again.

  “Hey Onyx,” I greeted him when I saw him that first time.

  “Hey Lucy, how are you?” he said.

  “I’m making it. How about you?” I asked as my heart skipped a beat.

  “I’m doing great. How are your classes coming along?”

  I couldn’t believe he was actually interested in me and how I was doing. He wanted to know about my classes and my health. He’s so sweet.

  “They’re going good. That biology class is something else though, but I enjoy science so I’m sure I’ll make an A or a B in that class. How are your classes?”

  “They’re going really good.”

  “I can’t believe I’m just seeing you now. I mean, we’ve been in school for almost five weeks and I’m just now running into you,” I said.

  “Yea well, I got me a lil’ job working for the football coach. He lets me work with the team in the afternoon until early evening. Just getting a little experience, ya know?” he said.

  “Yea, I feel ya. That’s a great opportunity for you,” I said.

  “Yea, it is and it’s easy. I gotta save up ya know, since I’m gonna be a daddy and all.”

  Oh snap! When he said that, he may as well have punched me in the gut. I couldn’t believe he was still with Starr’s young ass and that she was now pregnant by him. The happy look on his face almost made me sick. Why couldn’t I be happy like that? Why couldn’t he be my baby’s daddy?

  “Wow! Starr’s pregnant?”

  “Yep, she’s almost five months,” he beamed happily.

  “I didn’t know. I guess congratulations are in order,” I said as I reached out to hug him.

  The hug he gave me, although innocent, sent chills down my spine. He smelled good, like cologne and a faint smell of musk, his arms felt so strong around me. I imagined that he was my man and that he would wrap me in his arms like this every day. But just as face as that image came to my mind, it quickly dissipated as he slowly pushed me away.

  “Thank you. Look, I gotta get to my next class so I’ll be seeing you around,” he said and walked away.

  I think he felt how much I wanted him to hold me because he couldn’t wait to get away from me. I figured that was okay, because I’d make it my business to run into him more often. I now knew what area he was in on Tuesdays and where he worked every day. Onyx would definitely be seeing more of me.

  That was a month ago. I have been making a point to just happen to run into him on Tuesday and Thursday mornings because I knew where he was on those days. The other three days, I couldn’t locate him. It’s not my fault though because the campus is huge. Every Tuesday and Thursday morning, I made it my business to just happen to “bump” into him. He was always so polite.

  I also made it my business for the past month to check on him at his job. I just wanted to make sure he really worked there. I found myself lusting over him so much that I had wet dreams about him. I even spoke about him with my counselor last week. She didn’t seem to happy when I told her that Onyx and I had started a “relationship”, but ask me do I care?

  “Do you really think you’re ready to get involved with someone again? I mean just last month you were crying about not being able to forgive yourself,” Gaby said.

  “I forgave myself, just like you said. I care very much for my new boyfriend and I don’t want you to try to talk me out of being with him. I thought a counselor’s job was to support their clients anyway. You don’t seem very supportive right now,” I said.

  “I’m sorry Luciana and I really am trying to give you the support you need, but this is too soon. You need to take your time and love yourself before you try to love someone else,” she said.

  “I do love myself. What the hell would make you think that I don’t love myself?”

  The nerve of her. How dare she tell me I don’t love myself? Of course, I love myself. I couldn’t forgive myself, but I love myself. Shit, I probably love me more than I love anybody else. I’m going to make a note to self to not come more than once a week. She doesn’t seem to appreciate me as a client so I’ll just start coming for one session a week. Let’s see how she likes losing some of her money that my dad’s insurance has been paying her.

  “I just think you should take your time before getting involved with another man, that’s all. You’re still in the healing process. Just give yourself that time to heal,” she advised.

  “I don’t want to heal anymore. I wanna be loved and I wanna love. I can’t wait to give my boo some of this good pussy,” I said as I raise my arms and rotate my hips in the chair I was sitting in. I know to her I looked like a mental case, but to me, I felt like a porn star.

  I wanted to have sex with, no make love to Onyx and I know that he wanted it to. Soon, the two of us wouldn’t have to lust for each other anymore. He would be able to enter my tunnel of love and feel my insides as I wrap my arms and legs around him. Oh yes, it’s about to go down. Fuck Gaby and all her advice. I mean, in the beginning she gave me some really good advice. But now, she wants to stop me from living so her advice sucks.

  She started writing on her notepad. I can only imagine what she said about me, but it’s whatever. I don’t have the time or the patience to be worried about what she thinks of me. The only reason I signed up for counseling anyway was because my mom suggested it and if I didn’t come alone, she said she was going to attend with me to make sure I’d go. I couldn’t have that.

  “Well, in my opinion, you should wait before you begin a new relationship. But, if you’re happy and he’s happy, congratulations!” she said.

  Well finally. It’s about time she just said something supportive, instead of continuing with all that negative bullshit. I may have misjudged Gaby after all. Maybe I’ll continue my sessions with her.

  “Thank you Gaby. I definitely appreciate you for that.”

  “You’re welcome,” she said.

  “Okay, I guess I’ll be going now,” I said as I grabbed my b
ackpack and handbag and stood up.

  “Okay, so we’ll meet same time tomorrow?” she asked.

  “Nah, but I’ll be here at the same time next week,” I said.

  “I really think we should meet tomorrow,” she said.

  “Well, it doesn’t matter what you think. I’ll see you next week, same time and when I do come back, I hope you have a much better and more supportive attitude,” I told her.

  “Oh, well okay. I guess I’ll see you next week,” she said.

  I don’t care if you think I’m crazy either. I mean, I would prefer for you not to judge me, but if that’s what you wanna do, it’s your choice. At the end of the day, I’m still going to do what the hell I wanna do.

  CHAPTER 13

  Gregory

  It has been almost four months since my wife put me out of our house. I don’t understand why she won’t even talk to me. I know I fucked up when I cheated on her with Lucy, but she can at least hear me out. I’ve been apologizing for the last few weeks to no avail. I’ve sent flowers, cards, candy, and little notes and still nothing. I don’t know what she wants from me at all.

  She’s been allowing me to see my kids and I thank God for that. I don’t know what I would do without my kids. I thought when Sharonda would have forgiven me for stepping out on her by now, but she wants nothing to do with me. I also thought once she would have found out that I had gotten hurt, she would take pity on me and let me come home.

  She showed up to the hospital, enraged like a bull and asked, “What the fuck did you tell them to call me for?”

  The nurse that was in the room tending to me at the time, blinked twice really fast. I’m sure she thought that she was hearing things because this woman asking me that question is my wife.

  “Sharonda, you’re my wife. Doesn’t it matter to you that I was hurt?” I asked.

  “I don’t give a shit about that. Whoever attacked you would have done the world a favor if they had just killed your sorry ass,” she said.

  “What? You can’t mean that,” I said.

  “Don’t tell me what I mean. I know what the hell I mean. What did you think I was going to do when I found out you were here? Did you think I would show up and invite you back home and take care of your cheating ass? AIIINNNNIN! Wrong answer buddy,” she said.

  Now I knew my wife was hurt, but she must really be mad to not give a shit about my well-being. How could a woman that I’ve loved for the past seven years treat me this way? Before I cheated on her, she and I were happy. As a matter of fact, while I was cheating with Lucy, I still kept my wife happy because I didn’t want her to suspect anything.

  Seeing her act that way really hurt my feelings. I had over fifty stitches across my back and she refused to even give me an ounce of sympathy for the pain I’m going through. I know that she’s going through a lot of pain also, but her pain ain’t physical like mine.

  “I love you Sha. I’m so sorry that I hurt you. If I could take it all back, I would.”

  “Pssshhh!” she sucked her teeth at me.

  “I’m serious. I really am sorry,” I said with tears in my eyes.

  She looked at me and for a moment, I thought she finally believed me and understood how sorry I was. Instead, she said, “Don’t call me again. I want a divorce.”

  With that, she turned on her heels and walked right out of my hospital room. I couldn’t believe she had done that. I love my wife and I don’t want a divorce. Ever since that day, I’ve been trying to win her back, but she refuses to accept my apology or take me back. When I was discharged from the hospital a couple of days later, I moved in with my mom until I could find myself a more permanent spot.

  I mean, I’m a grown man so I can’t just live with my mother. My dad passed away after being involved in a head on collision with a drunk driver a couple of years ago. I think that’s when I started slipping away from my wife. It just seemed like, at the time, she was too wrapped up in our kids and her job. I was mourning and grieving the loss of my father and she didn’t have time for me.

  In reality, that wasn’t the case, but that’s what it seemed like at the time. She was just being the wife and mother she always was, I just didn’t see it. I was too wrapped up in my own feelings to care about her. When I met Lucy, I was at a low point in my life. She was young, vibrant and beautiful and she brought me back to life. She lifted me up from the dirt and made me feel alive again.

  I fell in love with Lucy, but I fought those feelings because I still loved my wife. I am still in love with my wife. I don’t understand how I could have put my family in such a predicament. This shit with me and Lucy didn’t do anything but hurt my wife and kids. I can’t blame Lucy for all this shit though because I had a lot to do with it. I knew that I had a wife and kids at home. Lucy didn’t know anything about my family. I kept all of that a secret from her.

  If I had kept it in my pants, I would still have my family and I wouldn’t have that huge scar across my back. I am now living in a small apartment; no kids, no family, just me. If I could change the decisions that I made, I would but there’s no going back. I wish I could apologize to Lucy for what I did to her. No woman deserves to be raped.

  I just knew that she was going to report me to the police and I would be locked up, but she didn’t. I don’t know why she didn’t, but I’m glad she didn’t. I have called her to tell her that I was sorry, but she didn’t answer. After making several attempts to contact her, I just stopped trying. I just wish I could tell her that I am sorry for what I did. I thought about it and it’s not something that I would want to happen to my mother, wife or daughter.

  I feel like shit because I don’t have my family. I have never regretted anything so much in my life. I wish I could take back what I’ve done, but I can’t. I need to talk to my wife, just this last time to see if she will give me one more chance. If her answer is still no, I have only one other alternative because I can’t live without my family.

  I’ve been so lonely and depressed these past few months. I’m sick to my stomach looking at these four walls. I haven’t been eating, sleeping, or going to work. I’ve just been staring at these four walls all day for the past couple of months. I pick up the phone to call my wife and hope that she lets me come home.

  She answers on the third ring and with an attitude, “What? Are you calling to see your kids? Because you can have them next weekend.”

  “No. Sha, I wanna come home. I love you so much and I’m so sorry for what I did to you. I’m sorry I hurt you and the kids,” I say.

  “You already said that. I already told you that I don’t care. You knew what you were doing when you were cheating on me with that girl and you did it anyway. You weren’t thinking about me or your kids when the two of you were smashing, were you? Were you thinking about us when the two of you were renting motel rooms? No, you weren’t. Unless you are contacting me to see your kids, don’t call me with that sorry shit because I don’t care,” she says.

  “Don’t you love me anymore? At least a little bit?” I ask.

  I need to know if she still cares about me. I need to know that she still loves me. It will make all the difference in the world to hear her say she still cares.

  “No. I could care less about you,” she says.

  “And you don’t love me either?”

  “Hell no, I don’t love you. Now stop asking me that shit. The only thing you should be concerned about are your kids,” she says.

  “Please, just let me come home. I love you so much,” I beg.

  “Stop calling me,” she says.

  “Okay. Just tell my kids I love them please. Just know that I’ve always loved you. I never stopped loving you,” I say.

  “Why are you telling me this?”

  “Because I want you to know that I can’t live without you and my kids. I won’t be bothering you again,” I say as I end the call.

  I sit on the bed crying because I didn’t think it would come to this, but I can’t live without my wife and kids.
This life is lonely as fuck. I have nothing or no one and I can’t live this way. I look at the note beside my bed and read it once more to make sure I didn’t forget anything:

  By the time y’all read this letter, I’ll be gone. I just want to say that I never meant to hurt anyone, but I hurt everyone I loved. Sharonda, you have always been the love of my life. I don’t know why I fucked up the way I did. I never meant to hurt you. Take care of the kids for me and let them know that I love them. Mom, I’m sorry I didn’t turn out to be the son you wanted me to be. I lost my family and I just can’t live without them. I didn’t mean to hurt you but I can’t take this pain anymore. Please tell Lucy I’m sorry for raping her. I never meant to hurt her but I was so mad at her for coming to my house and telling my wife about us. I know that I was wrong for causing you all so much pain and I’m sorry. I hope that one day you will find it in your heart to forgive me. Until we meet again, take care.

  I pick up the 9 MM that is sitting next to me on the bed and put it to my head. Before I have a chance to change my mind, POW!

  CHAPTER 14

  Onyx

  It has been two long weeks since I had any contact with Starr. I tried to get home last weekend, but coach had some shit for me to do. But, there ain’t nothing that can keep me from going there this weekend. I need to find out what is going on with her and why she has been treating me this way. I don’t know what I did to her for her to turn on me, but if it’s the last thing I do this weekend, I’m gonna get to the bottom of this mystery attitude that she has.

  I have been totally miserable without Starr’s phone calls and text messages. Two weeks is a long time to not have any contact with her, especially since we’ve been talking every day since I left home. I miss the sound of her voice. I miss the way she made me feel before I fell asleep. I miss the laughter in her voice. I just miss everything about Starr right about now and I wish I knew what I did to make her feel that way so I could fix it.