The Beauty Beneath

by DC Renee

  “No,” I yelled. “No, he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t do that to me. He wouldn’t take me away. You’re lying,” I screamed at my mom as I tore out of her embrace and stood, pointing my finger at her accusingly.

  “I’m so sorry, sweetheart,” she cried, her shoulders shaking violently. “I never wanted you to know. I … he … neither of us were innocent. I was just as much to blame for his actions, but if it wasn’t for his death, I might have never seen you again. I … don’t hate me, Em, because I swear I never wanted anything to happen to your father. Never,” she said vehemently through choked words. “But I was thankful because I got to keep you. Carter saved you from something that day.”

  “No, no, it can’t be,” I said. “It can’t be,” I repeated over and over. I put my hands over my ears as if I was a child, hopelessly trying to block out what my mom had just said. It couldn’t be true. But I thought back to the way my father had been acting that day—his nervous attitude and the fact that we had to walk to his car. I thought back to my parents’ relationship. I hadn’t noticed anything different about them, but I had been self-involved at the time. Even so, there were signs, I guess, if I really thought about it. They would barely look at each other when they were in a room. They didn’t touch affectionately. I never saw them kiss like my friends’ parents did.

  “It can’t be,” I said and ran to my room, slamming the door shut. I wasn’t sure when my mom left, but when I came out later, she was gone.

  I was dying on the inside, but come the next day, I put on my mask and headed to work. Don saw right through me. I told him what I’d learned, and he hugged me then told me to take the day off. I refused. Sitting at home allowed my mind to wander to the truth of it all. Carter killed my father; Carter saved me. My parents weren’t happy; my father tried to kidnap me. I loved Carter; he hurt me. There were too many factors, too many pieces in this board game, and I didn’t know the rules to play.

  Two days after that, I was on a plane heading East for a full week.

  It had been the best thing for me. During the days, my schedule was packed, even into some evenings, but at night, I lay awake thinking about everything, processing everything, trying to make sense of everything. But none of it made sense.

  I didn’t think it would ever truly make sense. It was just too much.

  But I did know one thing—one thing that never wavered, one thing that did make sense. I loved Carter. It didn’t matter if he saved me; it didn’t matter if he hurt me. My mom was right – he was just a kid when it happened. He didn’t set out to turn my life around, but he did … twice. The first for the worst, but the second for the better. And the better was so much better than the worst.

  I believed him. That was what I learned being away. I believed in him.

  And now, I was back and had actually been back for a few days. At first, I wasn’t sure what to do, how to go about letting Carter know. It seemed so easy in movies. The girl just waltzed up to the guy, tapped him on the shoulder, said, “I’m back,” and bam, he was so happy to have her in his life again that everything was sunshine and roses after that. Real life wasn’t like that at all. It was full of nerves, guilt, anxiety, insecurities, shame, and everything in between.

  How did you hurt the one person you loved and then tell him you’re sorry? There was no easy way.

  So I did the only thing I could think of.

  Thirty Four

  Carter

  Misery. One word, three syllables, six letters, and an insurmountable amount of pain. I assumed it was different for every person. The reason for their misery varied, the way they coped with it had different ranges, and how they perceived it different. For me, misery was knowing I had caused enough grief to overshadow any possible love that Emerson had for me.

  I had ripped my heart out of my chest, still beating, and handed it to her. I had done all that I could think of, said everything that needed to be said, showed her how truly sorry I was, and how much she meant to me. It wasn’t enough.

  I couldn’t blame her. But I hated it. I especially hated how shitty I felt. Would I change it, though? I wasn’t sure. It was not because I wanted to prevent myself from having any heartache, although it really fucking sucked, I’d tell you that. I would take all the pain in the world if it meant I was able to have that time with Emerson. Without even knowing that I was falling for her, it was the best two months of my life. She made me feel like I was on some nonstop high. I was actually surprised I didn’t realize I’d fallen for her sooner; surprised I’d fought it for so long; surprised I’d denied it when it was so blatantly obvious.

  The reason I’d change it, the reason I’d be willing to forgo ever having known Emerson was if I could bring her dad back to her. I wouldn’t say gladly, more like reluctantly, but I’d turn back time, have Emerson go down a completely different path, never having crossed mine if it meant she’d have even one more day with her father. But fuck if the selfish part of me wasn’t happy things worked out the way they did.

  Yet here I was, the very epitome of misery, because it had been two weeks since Emerson turned her back on me, and four weeks since I was last happy with her. I didn’t care if I sounded like a girl, but a part of me expected her to find me, tell me she thought things through, and loved me enough to see past our history. I was hoping she’d call me, text me, hell, show up on my doorstep naked and use me. She didn’t. And I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was upset.

  I should have given up any hope at that point, should have tucked my tail between my legs and stayed away as I promised. But I needed to do something. One final place I had to be for Emerson. But I was lost, completely unsure of how to go about doing it.

  “Beth, I need your help,” I said when my sister picked up the phone.

  “With what?” she asked.

  “Today is Emerson’s cousin’s wedding. It was a big thing for her to go to the wedding with someone she could introduce as her boyfriend. She let me get close to her because she needed me that much for this. I know she doesn’t want me, I know I should stay away and let her be, but I’ve hurt her enough. I won’t let her down this time. I want to be there for her. I want to give her my arm to steady her, my shoulder to lean on. If it’s the last thing I can do for her, then I’ll do it with a smile.”

  “And being with her again is naturally a bonus,” my sister teased.

  “Any moment with Em is a bonus. Every moment I get to be with her is something I’ll never forget.”

  “Good,” she said with finality, and I wasn’t one-hundred percent sure why.

  “I want to be there for her, Beth, but I’m afraid she’ll push me away. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to push my way into her life.”

  “You did a great job before,” she responded.

  “That was different. She didn’t hate me then. How do I get her to let down her guard for just one more night so I can be her partner?”

  “Hey, C, stop worrying,” she commanded. “Get ready for the wedding and come over in an hour. We’ll brainstorm this together and figure out how you can be her knight in shining armor, okay?”

  “Yeah, okay. Love you, Beth,” I told her.

  “Love you too. Now, go get ready and remember, an hour.”

  “Gotcha,” I said and hung up. I got ready and headed over to Beth’s place.

  The door was open, so I walked right in. “Hey, Beth, where are you?” I called out. I was met with silence. “Beth?” I called out again. Still nothing. “Beth, where the hell are you? You’re scaring me,” I said as I started walking toward the hallway.

  And then I stopped dead in my tracks.

  “I … you … my God,” I whispered reverently. “You’re … you … you’re here,” I stuttered. “But how?” I asked.

  Standing before me, just feet away, was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Flowing blond hair falling over her shoulders in loose curls, plump, pouty red lips parted slightly, rosy cheeks that contrasted with her pale blue eyes. Tr
opical ocean water blue, surrounded by smoky hues made her eyes stand out that much more. And a form fitting long turquoise gown, just a few shades darker than her eyes, hugged her body in all the right places, showing off just how shapely her body was.

  I had loved her when she was a plain Jane, I had drooled a little when I first saw her out of costume, but now … now, I was pretty sure I’d died. Cardiac arrest. My heart couldn’t take just how breathtaking she was. And she wasn’t mine. But damned if my body cared. It wanted her. It wanted to claim her, steal her away, and never look back. My heart was in absolute agreement. My mind was getting there. The only reason it wasn’t fully on board was because it vaguely remembered that Emerson had pushed me away. She had done that several times before, but the last time, it was for good.

  “Emerson.” I spoke her name as if I were addressing a goddess. Truly, she was.

  She took a deep breath, and then ran her hands down the side of the dress. I was jealous of her hands. Well and truly jealous. “I,” she started but stopped, then took another breath. “I’m free because of you.”

  “I don’t understand,” I admitted.

  “This,” she said as she waved her hand up and down her body, “is the real me. The me that no one has gotten to see for over twelve years.” I cringed, and she paused. “But with you, I felt like I could be me. You let me believe it was okay to find myself in any form. In glasses, a wig, or as you see me now. You tore through my walls, found who I was inside cowering in a small corner somewhere deep down, and you pulled me up through the cracks. I can be me finally. I’m free to be me because you showed me it was okay to love again. It was okay to let someone get close to you. Even if you lose them, the happiness is worth the pain. I don’t want to lose you, Carter.” She stopped, and even though every part of my body was screaming to move toward her, to tell her she hadn’t lost me, my heart was calling the shots. And it was currently skipping beats. It couldn’t comprehend just what Emerson was saying. Yet it could, and it was being erratic. All-encompassing joy would do that to you.

  “I love you, Carter,” she whispered, almost tentatively. All-encompassing joy before? Fuck that. Try atomic bomb ecstatic. Try my insides were literally turning to fucking mush from the heat of my bliss. “And if you’ll have me, I want to show you the real me, and I want to show everyone I know that it’s because of you I’m finally comfortable in my own skin again.”

  It took exactly two point three seconds for me to have Emerson backed against the wall, my body pressed into her, and lips crushing her mouth with the force of my love. “God, Emerson, I love you so fucking much,” I told her. And just for good measure, I said it once more. “I love you so much.”

  Thirty Five

  Emerson

  “So I take it I’m forgiven?” I asked against Carter’s lips, breathless from his assault on my mouth.

  “I should be asking you that.” He laughed humorlessly as he pulled back and stared into my eyes. His darted back and forth between mine, searching for something – for sincerity? For forgiveness? “Tell me please, Em. Tell me this isn’t just for now, just for tonight. Tell me we can move on together. Please.” He was pleading with me, and as I searched his face, I was able to get a good look at just how deep his despair ran, just how strong his hope was. And it was all for me. No one, aside from my parents, had ever had such strong emotions for me, such strong feelings of overwhelming happiness or sadness. My heart hurt for Carter, for what he’d been through the last month and for my part in it.

  The fact that Carter had in a sense saved me didn’t even matter. It just helped me put everything in perspective and look at the big picture. It was tragic, so very tragic, but it was an accident. He was just a scared little boy, only a few years older than I was. How would I have reacted to something like that? How would I live and cope with what I’d done? I knew, without any doubt, that the fact that Carter had killed someone haunted him. I just knew.

  And then finding out who it was … I knew that did something extra to him. Instead of being there for him as he had been there for me, instead of letting our mutual grief comfort each other, I ran away. It was what I did. It was why I wore my protective mask. But not anymore. Never again.

  “This is forever, C,” I told him. “I love you.”

  “Finally!” I heard over Carter’s shoulder, and I couldn’t help but laugh at Beth’s antics. “Took you guys long enough. And of course, I got stuck in the crossfire,” she teased. I had almost forgotten she was there, or even where we were.

  “You did all this?” Carter asked as he turned to face her, bringing me around to his side.

  “I just helped her with her hair and makeup. Coming here and doing all this for you was her idea,” she said as she looked at me and winked. “You guys are so hot,” she mouthed with a wink as she fanned herself.

  “You really did this for me?” Carter asked me reverently.

  “No,” I responded. “I did this for me, but it was because of you.”

  “I love you,” he told me, and I mouthed, “Thank you,” to Beth over Carter’s shoulder.

  When I had shown up at her house unannounced a few hours before, I wasn’t sure what to expect. But in true Beth fashion, she pulled me into a hug from her doorstep. “Oh my God, Em, I missed you,” she said. “But don’t you ever disappear on me again!” she yelled, changing the subject, and dragging me inside. “You had me so worried, and don’t even get me started on what you’ve done to Carter, but we’ll get to that later. First, tell me you’re okay. Why have you been avoiding me? And what are you doing here? Not that I’m not happy, but you disappear for a month, and now, you show up here with no warning. Start talking.”

  “I … I was so angry with you,” I admitted. “It couldn’t have been a coincidence that Carter had chosen me.”

  “It wasn’t,” she interjected. “It was fate.”

  “Fate,” I repeated, testing the word out on my tongue. I guess you could call it fate, bringing two unlikely people together. “I thought you were in on whatever scheme he had going. You’re his sister, and you took to me so quickly. My version seemed more plausible.”

  “I took to you because you’re awesome, and I like you. And there was no scheme, just plain old fate,” she said the word again. “But you know it’s not true now, right? You know neither of us tried to play you?” she asked, suddenly looking worried.

  “I believe you,” I told her slowly so that she would know I was being sincere. “I believe you.”

  “Good,” she exclaimed. “I really am sorry, Em. For what happened to your father, for Carter’s involvement, for how you found out. I’m sorry you were hurt in the process, but I’m not sorry you met my brother. You’re good for him, and I’m happy he got the chance to be with you, even for a short while. He loves you, you know. And he’s miserable without you, but I guess I can maybe sort of understand why it would be difficult for you to be with him. Don’t get me wrong,” she rushed to add, “I think you two should get married and make babies, but I just got you back, so I’m not going to push my luck just yet. Maybe in a half hour,” she teased.

  “I missed you,” I told her, and for the first time, I initiated a hug with a friend. She held on tightly.

  “I missed you too. But I have to ask, Em. If you believe me, then that means you believe Carter. Why are you here and not over there? Really, I won’t pry if you don’t want me to, but you can’t blame me for wanting to know, to understand.”

  “I need your help,” I admitted. “I didn’t know … I wasn’t sure … I didn’t just want to call you and ask you to help when we hadn’t talked for the past month. After the way we left things …” I trailed off, and she nodded in response.

  “I get it, but now, you’re here. We’re not going to waste any more time moping about things we can’t change. You’re stuck being my friend whether you like it or not. Next time you try to push me away, I’ll chain you to my side. Don’t think I’m bluffing. I was this close to breaking into your home
,” she said as she held her thumb and index finger a breath away from each other. “Okay, so what do you need help with?” she asked.

  “My cousin’s wedding. It’s tonight. I … I want to surprise Carter … if he’ll have me,” I said softly, for the first time doubting myself, wondering if he still cared about me after the way I treated him.

  “You spoke to him?” she asked excitedly. “Why didn’t you tell me that in the first place? When’s he picking you up?”

  “I … uh … I didn’t. I’m hoping if I show up at his house looking nice, maybe he’ll … I want him to know he means everything to me. That I can finally be myself with him and take off all this,” I said as I pulled the baggy shirt away from my body. “And I want everyone else to know it too. But I don’t know how to do my hair or makeup. I’ve never had to … It’s been a long time since I cared about that stuff,” I admitted. “And I don’t have anything to wear. I …” I trailed off as tears started streaming down my face. “This was a stupid idea. I’m sorry,” I said and turned to leave.

  “No, no way. It’s brilliant. No more tears. I promise you, Em,” she said as she wrapped her arms around me, “that Carter doesn’t care one bit about what you wear or how you look. He loves you like no other for you. But I like your thinking. And I know he’ll appreciate the gesture. So come with me, relax, and put your trust in me. I won’t steer you wrong.”

  I wiped my eyes, hugged Beth back, and let her lead me to her room. And for the first time in my life, I wanted to be the white swan.

  We talked while she worked on me, turning me into someone I didn’t even know existed. I told her about my life, about what the last month was like for me, and what I’d learned. I even told her what I felt when I saw Carter with his tattoo. I started crying all over again, and she scolded me for ruining my makeup. That instantly turned my mood around.