Mister Diamond

by Chance Carter

  She couldn’t explain why, but it set her at ease, back to where they’d left things at the waterfall. She watched him stoke the fire, unaware that she was staring at him. She knew so little about him, he so rarely spoke about himself. She wondered what his story was, what made him tick. He’d started opening up the day before, but for some reason he’d changed the subject. She wanted to know more. She had a feeling they were more similar than different.

  “How’s the tea?” he asked, turning towards her. She tore her eyes away, embarrassed he caught her staring. She could sense him grinning beside her.

  “It’s good,” she offered, taking a quick sip, mindful not to burn her tongue. “Delicious actually. How did you sweeten it?”

  “I used a little mango juice. I thought you might like it.”

  “I do,” she smiled, pleased by his thoughtfulness. “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Sure,” he agreed, looking up.

  “Yesterday you mentioned that you’ve had some challenges, a difficult past. We never finished that conversation,” she began cautiously, certain the subject needed a gentle touch.

  “Is that a question?” he teased, as though trying to deflect her with humor. She wasn’t going to let him off the hook that easily.

  “The question is coming,” she smirked, undeterred.

  “Should I be scared?” His grin may have been light, playful even, but his eyes said otherwise. He seemed nervous.

  “Not at all,” she assured, taking his hand. “Be serious, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “Why do you think you’re cursed. What’s that all about?”

  “Well, I think I’ve shown you why I think that, haven’t I? The plane crash, the banana tree...I seem to be a catalyst for bad things to happen,” he offered, his tone light, yet still woven with undeniable sadness.

  “I fell out of the tree because I misjudged my abilities,” she shrugged, “just like you did that night of the storm. That doesn’t mean you’re a beacon for bad luck.”

  “Maybe,” he grimaced, still not convinced.

  “Why do I think there’s something more,” she pressed gently, her eyes encouraging him to be brave, to share his pain with her. She wanted him to know, more than anything, that he could trust her.

  “I don’t know,” he sighed, visibly upset.

  “You do.”

  He paused for a moment, as though considering how much to divulge, a pained look on his handsome face. She waited for him to come to whatever conclusion he needed to, but hoped he would let her in, reveal his heart to her. If they were as alike as she imagined, it would be hard for him, but it would also mean that he was ready for a stronger friendship with her.

  “I...um...it’s hard to talk about,” he began, struggling to get the words out.

  She took his hand and held it, her smile encouraging him to try. “It’s okay. We’ll go slow.”

  He looked down at their hands laced together in solidarity and nodded, as though submitting to her tenderness.

  “I killed someone.”

  Chapter 18

  He’d expected her to be shocked, to drop his hand and turn away, but she didn’t. She squeezed his fingers and nodded for him to go on. He was terrified to speak of that day, to dredge up those painful memories he’d so tightly locked down. They’d haunted him for so many years and he didn’t want to summon those ghosts again. He wasn’t sure they wouldn’t finally kill him.

  He opened his mouth to speak, to push her away, to change the subject, anything to save himself the torture of revealing the horrible truth, but what came out surprised him.

  “It was my girlfriend,” he whispered, his voice barely audible. Joss didn’t even flinch, but caressed his hand instead, her eyes searching his, without an ounce of fear or judgement.

  “We were kids. Eighteen,” he continued, his voice cracking with emotion. “It was summer, one of those hot nights that brings kids out in their cars, dragging down the main street, meeting at the deli, listening to music, anything to get out of the house and away from the parents. There were a bunch of us out that night and we were all feeling reckless and pretty damn good about ourselves. We weren’t old enough to party at the pub, but still thought we were entitled to a little fun. Most of us were getting ready to go on to the Uni, trade school or what have you, and it was our last summer to be loose, have some fun, you know?” he paused, gathering his thoughts, allowing the memories to unfold slowly. Joss nodded at him to continue.

  “Fuck, none of us were ready to grow up. We wanted the privileges of adulthood without any of the responsibility. One of my mates had gotten his hands on some coldies and we all met at the beach to party...”

  “Coldies?”

  “Beers, sorry,” he chuckled, forgetting that most yanks weren’t familiar with Aussie slang. “Anyway, we stayed out for awhile, goofing around, razzing each other, acting like hooligans, at least until the girlfriends showed up. Evie, my gal, was with them. I was surprised to see her because she was supposed to be working that night. She was let out early for one reason or another. I was already a bit plastered and tried to hide it. She wasn’t a fan of boozing and I didn’t want to fight.” Grant was surprised at how easy his memories came flooding back, as though it had happened only days earlier. He gestured her for the tea, and took a sip, before handing her back the bottle.

  “Go on,” she urged gently, “please.”

  “Evie and I were close. I loved her,” he choked, clearing his throat. “We talked about getting married. I know it sounds crazy, we were both so young, but she was my soulmate. I knew it in my core. She just had a way of making everything okay in my world and she kept me on the straight and narrow. She made me want to work harder at being the kind of man she deserved.”

  “It doesn’t sound all that crazy,” Joss whispered, as though longing for that kind of love. “It sounds beautiful.”

  Grant smiled at her, somehow soothed by her honesty.

  “God, she was a stunner. Blonde, blue eyes, gorgeous smile. One look from her could puddle me.”

  Joss smirked at him like she couldn’t believe he was ever capable of being so soft. He didn’t blame her. He’d pretty much eradicated that side of himself. He’d sealed himself pretty tight, making it impossible for anyone to care about him again, and that had suited him just fine. He didn’t deserve love.

  “I know, hard to imagine I have a tender side, right?” he shrugged, following the gesture with a grin.

  “Not really,” she replied, grinning back at him, “I’ve seen glimpses of it here and there.”

  “Then you must have x-ray vision, girly,” he chuffed, brushing off the compliment. She shook her head warmly, graciously allowing him to dismiss it.

  “So Evie showed up...”

  “Yeah,” he nodded, “she did. We stayed at the beach a little longer, just enjoying our mates, and each other. I had stopped drinking but I was definitely still buzzing. Before long her friends were getting ready to leave. She wanted to go with them but I didn’t want her to. I was hoping we could go to the point and make out, and told her so. She wasn’t sure what to do. I think she was worried that I was drunk. She even asked me if I was, but I denied it. I told her I’d only had one beer. I’m not sure if she bought it or not, but she agreed to stay with me. Fuck, Joss. I should have let her go with them. I shouldn’t have stopped her.”

  “Why, Grant?”

  “I fucking killed her,” he sobbed, breaking down. He felt the tears coming and tried to stop them, placing his hands over his eyes. He felt Joss place a hand on his back but shirked away, certain the empathy would make it even harder to hold the emotion back. This time, she refused to be dismissed, pulling him in for an embrace. Her tenderness was almost torture to him, exposing his regrets, making him look his pain head on, to challenge the infinite belief that he was undeserving of it. He wasn’t sure he was ready for that.

  “Don’t,” he pulled away, “don’t feel sorry for me. I don’t deserve it.”
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  “You do, Grant,” she insisted, reaching for his hand. He wiped away the few traitorous tears from his eyes, before allowing her to take it. As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t refuse her. Maybe he didn’t want to. He didn’t know anymore.

  “Go on, what happened next?” she asked, her warm tone reassuring and gentle.

  “I drove us to the point,” he sniffed, his voice tight with regret, “but we never made it. A wild dog ran in front of my car and I swerved to miss it. I just lost control and the car hit a guard rail and flipped. I’m guessing we rolled two or three times before it came to a stop, upside down.”

  “Jesus.”

  “I was fine, a bit banged up, but Evie wasn’t wearing her strap. My God, there was blood everywhere. I could tell just by looking at her that her neck was broken. Her head was twisted at an obscene angle. I tried to wake her. I held her, screaming her name for what seemed like hours, until the police arrived. They had to pry her away from me, and even then I fought them. I didn’t want to let her go,” he sobbed.

  She closed her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Grant. God, that must have been so devastating for you. You were just a kid,” she whispered, as though his story was too much to bear.

  “She was dead and it was my fault. I fucking did it.”

  “It was an accident,” Joss insisted, her eyes regarding him carefully. “A tragic accident, Grant. You were young, an inexperienced driver...”

  “I was piss drunk!” he blurted. He swallowed hard, choking back the painful memories. He knew drudging up the past would rattle him, but this was almost more than he could take. The shame was almost paralyzing, his grief like a dagger, cruelly plunging into his heart. He couldn’t bear Joss looking at him, her eyes glassy with tears. He couldn’t breathe and tried to stand up.

  “I need to go for a walk.”

  “Wait, Grant. Please don’t,” she pleaded, stopping him, her hand tightly gripping his bicep. He looked down at her, his eyes begging her to release him before he lost it completely. “Don’t run away. It’s just us, you and me. I’m here for you...”

  “I can’t, Joss. It hurts...”

  “I know it does,” she sobbed, barely holding back her tears. “I know how painful it can be, holding on to regret, blaming ourselves, feeling so much shame it feels like it might rip us in two. I know what it’s like to feel undeserving. I’ve carried the burden of that for years.”

  “You?” he whispered. She nodded, slowly, her eyes taking the shape of sadness. He inhaled deeply, shifting his own grief aside to make room for hers. She held her hand out to him, inviting him to sit back down. He did.

  She took a moment, assembling her thoughts. Unsure what to do or say next, he waited for her to speak.

  “Grant, I know you blame yourself for Evie’s death, but it was a mistake. It’s been what, fifteen years since the accident?”

  “Twenty.”

  “You’ve served your sentence, don’t you understand that? Your remorse, this contempt you’ve carried, has imprisoned you far too long. Maybe it’s time to set yourself free, to unburden yourself. Maybe it’s time we both did.”

  “I don’t know how,” he admitted, his tone heavy with sincerity.

  “Me either, but maybe we can figure it out together,” she nodded, holding her arms out to him. He pulled her into an embrace, allowing her to anchor his untethered soul. For the first time in a long time, he felt peace, acquitted by unconditional love.

  Chapter 19

  Joss pulled herself back from his embrace, wiping the tears off her face. Grant took the opportunity to do the same, although he was much more discreet. She smiled at him shyly, moved by his honesty. He earned the same from her.

  “I lost a baby. I was twenty-one,” she offered, her tone so subdued she wondered if he’d even heard her. She looked up to find him nodding, encouraging her to continue. She’d also not talked about it in years. It was a painful time in her life, the very worst.

  “I was in nursing school. It was my last year. I’d always been a good student, smart, driven, you know?” she paused, taking a deep breath. He offered her a weak smile to show he was listening.

  “I met a guy that year, Rob. He was an engineer student, also smart, but he liked to party. Typical friends to lovers story, he wanted more but I didn’t. I was focused on school and making my parents proud. To be honest, I didn’t want my mother coming down hard on me if my grades slipped, but he wore me down,” she continued, forcing herself to sift through her memories, to summon her courage. She owed it to Grant to be as brave as he was.

  “We were careful, did everything right. He wore condoms every time we made love, but shit happens, you know? I got pregnant.”

  “Wow...”

  “Yeah. If you knew my mother Mary, you’d understand how desperate I was. For weeks I stressed about it, terrified to tell anyone. I didn’t even tell Rob until I missed my second period. I was of two minds. Part of me really wanted to keep the baby, but I was so afraid. I wasn’t convinced I’d be a good mom yet. The other side of me just wanted to end it, terminate the pregnancy and not have to face the shame of being an unwed mother. Rob and I talked about it and he pushed for the abortion. He wasn’t ready to be a dad either.”

  “Was he at least good to you? Kind?” Grant asked sincerely, gently taking her hand.

  “I guess he was as good as could be expected. I’m not sure he was mature enough to handle the complexity of the situation. I was also a mess, emotionally. I think it scared the shit out of him,” she reasoned. “He avoided me mostly.”

  “Hmm, not cool, but okay...”

  “We set an appointment to terminate. I bounced between extreme guilt and relief, between wanting it to be over but hating myself for thinking that way. I’m not sure if I would have gone through with it, to be honest. But then I got sick...”

  “Sick?” he interrupted, gripped by her story.

  “I got violently ill. I was in so much pain I honestly thought I was dying. I tried to get ahold of Rob, and my roommate Hannah, but they were both at a football game. I ended up calling an ambulance and was rushed to emergency. By the time I got there I was bleeding pretty badly.”

  “What happened?”

  “I had an ectopic pregnancy. The baby was growing inside my right fallopian tube and it had ruptured,” she sighed, holding back her tears.

  Grant raised his brows and whistled, “Whoa, that’s intense.”

  “It was. The doctor rushed me into surgery before I could even comprehend what was happening.” she choked. “It was scary and confusing. No one really explained to me what was happening. They just shoved the medical release form into my hands and insisted I sign it. I wanted to ask questions, to know more about the procedure, and what the risks were, but the nurse insisted I not waste any time. In retrospect I felt bullied, but I was in too much pain to argue about it, so I signed it, and a few minutes later they put me under.”

  “Jesus, Joss, that must have been awful.”

  She looked up at him and nodded. It had taken her a long time to shake the experience, suffering from depression and anxiety. When she had time to process everything, she was certain she’d been suffering from post traumatic stress disorder, but it had been grossly misdiagnosed.

  “Yeah. Of course I lost my baby. I felt so much shame about that. I’d convinced myself that it was my fault, that I somehow willed it to happen by even considering the abortion,” she confided, her tone rich with remorse. “When I woke from the surgery, Hannah was there. She told me my parents were on their way. When I asked her why she called them she explained that I’d almost died. Apparently there were complications during the surgery. They had to do a partial hysterectomy...” she sobbed, unable to hold back any longer. “I won’t ever have children.”

  “Oh Joss, I’m so sorry,” he consoled, pulling her in for an embrace. She ignored the pain, her body still aching from the fall, allowing him to hold her. It was hard to talk about that day without crying, and she struggled to comp
ose herself.

  “It’s all right. You’re alright, love,” he whispered.

  His sincerity moved her, crashing through every barrier. Somehow she knew that he would be a safe place to land, to share her grief with him, and she unleashed, allowing her tears to spill down her cheeks. She sobbed heavily in his arms for several minutes, while he rocked her silently. No words were necessary.

  “You okay?” he finally asked, wiping her damp cheeks. She nodded, forcing a smile. “No,” he chuckled, kissing her forehead, “but you will be. We both will.”

  “I am okay. I spent a lot of years believing that I was being punished for wishing my baby away. I also thought that I didn’t deserve love, that no man would ever want me,” she said, releasing her breath, “but I realize now I was wrong. We were both wrong, you and I.”

  He nodded at her, his eyes convincing her that maybe he had turned a corner too, that confession had been healing for both their souls. She leaned in and kissed him, softly on his lips. “Thank you,” she sighed, her hand cradling his cheek.

  “Thank you,” he whispered back. He looked at her, his eyes filled with a peace he’d never felt before. It was foreign to him, and he wasn’t entirely sure deserved, but he embraced it anyway. He wanted to kiss her again, more than anything, but he wasn’t sure he was ready to go down that road. She looked at him the same way, her eyes expressing an intimacy that begged to be kissed, but he held himself back, afraid of where it would lead. He could so easily fall in love with her, but he wasn’t sure he’d ever be willing to share her, with anyone.

  Chapter 20

  “Where have you guys been?” Daniel bellowed out as they emerged from the jungle. He came running toward them and pulled Joss into a hug, squeezing her tightly. She winced from the pain, awkwardly wiggling out of his embrace.

  Charles close on his heels, witnessed her discomfort, and stared skeptically at Grant. “What happened?” he asked apprehensively, doing his best to keep his tone flat.