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Route Britannia, the Journey South: A Spontaneous Bicycle Ride through Every County in Britain

Page 26

by Steven Primrose-Smith


  I mulled over the coming weeks and months. I'd already learnt Britain was a truly wonderful place. It was just that it got progressively less wonderful, at least from a cycling perspective, the closer to the south-east I got. I really couldn't wait to put the M25 behind me, with its teeming roads, impatient drivers, mediocre scenery and wild expense. My positivity had been pushed past breaking point. I really didn't want to be here. The Mexican fleas had been great, but I needed more than a couple of bugs in fancy dress to keep my spirits up. Ahead of me lay better times: the Fens, the Peak District, the hills of North Yorkshire, Northumberland, the whole of Scotland and the Lake District. I would leave the crowds behind and roll into some of the most beautiful and sparsely populated areas of Europe. There would be days when I'd cycle twenty miles without passing a single settlement, when the rain would pour and the wind would howl and drivers coming in the opposite direction would see me from the safety of their steel wombs and look at me as though I'd gone mental. And I'd be happy again. Really, really happy.

  And then I woke up early the next morning, turned on the radio and heard the news. Britain was leaving Europe. Oh bloody shit!

  END OF PART ONE

  The story concludes with part two Route Britannia – The Journey North

  Appendix: My gear

  Some readers are interested in a list of gear used by cyclists on rides like mine. Most aren't. That's why the list is tucked here at the back. This is what I took.

  The Bike

  My bike is a KTM, a manufacturer more famous for motorbikes, although now they've started to sell their bicycles in the UK. I bought mine in Austria back in 2001. I don't remember the name of the model and all the transfers that might have given me a clue have rubbed off over time. It's a great, light, strong bike that is very comfortable to ride and cost me somewhere around £800. It has 700C wheels and is made of aluminium, which means, given its age, it is soon to die. Everything except the frame, handlebars and mudguards has been replaced at least once. I can't remember how many cassettes and chains I've gone through. It has now done in excess of 35,000 miles despite living in a garage unused for eight years of its life.

  The Bags

  My rugged panniers are made by Carradice, two on the front and two on the back, and there's a handy bar bag for valuables. Despite being made of thick canvas and water-resistant, I always line them with plastic rubble sacks to keep the water out. They're very strong and durable.

  The Home

  The tent this time was a Decathlon Quickhiker. It is supposed to be a two-man tent but I wouldn't want to share it with anyone except an emaciated lover. In truth, it's a roomy one-man tent. My old German duck down sleeping bag became increasingly ineffective during the trip and so I bought a new, synthetic one that turned out to be way too hot, even during the cooler days of a British summer. The sleeping bag's stuff sack doubled as my pillow. After a few early days of freezing temperatures, my ground mat - one of those five quid foam jobbies – became two. While cycling, the sleeping bag lived in a front pannier but the tent and ground mat were encased in a rubble sack and bungeed to the back rack. Also bungeed to this was a little rucksack, which was very handy when strolling around town or going shopping.

  The Kitchen

  Once again I took my Trangia 27 meths-burning stove. My advice would be to avoid going near its pans with anything metal. For want of a plastic spoon I've now de-non-sticked two of them. I took a plastic bowl but mostly ending up eating straight from the pan. I also carried a plastic cup, a fork, a spoon and a penknife.

  The Wardrobe

  I took three tops that would suit cycling or around-town strolling and two fleeces, one thin, one thick. I had two pairs of underwear, two pairs of socks, two pairs of cycling shorts, two around-town shorts, a sloppy pair for the campsite, two pairs of long, lightweight trousers and a rainproof jacket. I could have left behind one of the tops and one of the pairs of long trousers. Take as little as you can.

  Once again, on my feet was, mostly, a great pair of super-durable Keen adventure sandals. After ten thousand miles they are now looking a bit shabby. This meant that, while the weather wasn't freezing, I could get away with no socks. I also had a pair of trainers for when it was cold or when walking around town in long trousers. I took a hat and gloves and, for the first, very cold weeks, a fleecy snood my mum gave me at the last minute turned out to be very useful.

  The Bathroom

  I took shower gel (for washing clothes too), deodorant, a toothbrush, toothpaste, Vaseline and a first aid kit.

  The Tech

  In order to save weight I took my little compact camera, which was a mistake because it packed up after a week and so I was limited to taking photos on my Samsung, and, for the most part, it was switched off to maintain batteries. As a result I don't have very many photos of this trip. I also had a rechargeable battery pack and a solar panel to recharge it. This time I also took an old Acer Aspire notebook. Its battery lasts a long time but it takes ages to charge. While waiting for it to reach 100% I was frequently forced to stay in the pub for a third pint. The horror!

  Bike-related

  I carried various tools, a puncture repair kit, two spare inner tubes and a folding tyre, none of which was needed. My front and rear lights were also never used. I had two 750 ml water bottles and occasionally filled an additional 1.5 litre pop bottle for extra water on hot days.

  Everything Else

  I had a passport, although I don't remember ever needing it, lots of blood pressure medication, a dismembered road atlas of the UK that was discarded as I finished each page, a separate, tiny map book of the UK on which I plotted where I'd been at the end of each day, a sewing kit, my notebook and a few pens, a head torch and a wallet that took a greater kicking the closer I got to the south-east.

  Also from Steven Primrose-Smith

  The No. 1 Amazon UK Bestseller

  No Place Like Home, Thank God

  A 22,000 Mile Bicycle Ride around Europe

  After a near fatal illness, Steven Primrose-Smith decides that life is too short to hang around. Inspired, he jumps on his bicycle to travel a road that stretches 22,000 miles across the whole of Europe.

  During his ride through 53 countries, climbing the equivalent of 20 Everests, he dodges forest fires, packs of wild dogs and stray bulls, is twice mistaken for a tramp, meets a man in Bulgaria who lives under a table, discovers if ambassadors really do dish out pyramids of Ferrero Rocher at parties, transforms into a superhero after being savaged by radioactive mosquitoes near Chernobyl and comes close to death in France, Norway, Ukraine and Russia.

  Such a massive challenge requires calories and Steven gets his from the more unsavoury elements of European savouries: brains, testicles, lung and spleen stew, intestine sandwiches, sausages famous for smelling of poo, a handful of maggots and even a marmot. Nobody eats marmots.

  But the distance and his culinary adventures are only a part of the mission. His real objective is much more difficult. Will he be able to confirm something he has long suspected or will he, after all his searching, eventually find somewhere in Europe worse than his home town of Blackburn?

  "There are many books about cycle touring but few are as entertaining, informative and engaging as this one...The result is a funny and informative account of his travels to some of the Continent's well-known and more undiscovered corners. The writing is excellent..." - CYCLE Magazine

  Also from Steven Primrose-Smith

  The No. 2 Amazon UK Bestseller

  Hungry for Miles

  Cycling across Europe on £1 a Day

  After blowing all his cash on his previous long-distance bike ride (No Place Like Home, Thank God), Steven Primrose-Smith wants to go cycling again. Without the necessary funds, he decides to see if it's possible to travel thousands of miles on a budget of just £1 a day.

  Against advice, he puts together a team of complete strangers, including a fresh-faced student, a Hungarian chef, and a man with the world's worst bike, the b
eard of a goblin and a fetish for goats.

  While cycling from Liverpool to Gibraltar through England, Wales, France, Spain and Portugal, they plan to supplement their cash-strapped diet by fishing and foraging. It's just a pity no one knows anything about either.

  People quit, nerves are strained, and faces and bikes are both smashed. Will anyone make it to Gibraltar?

  Amazon reviews for Hungry for Miles:

  “A very humorous and frank account of an extremely difficult challenge and I really enjoyed reading it."

  "Another great book from this author, easily as good as No Place Like Home. You know you are reading a good book when you can't put it down and are sad when it comes to an end...good fun and highly entertaining."

  “He's obviously one of life's top blokes. He can strike the balance between fact, fiction, humour, sadness and in this case famine...Thank you for sharing your intelligent wit and passion for all things good...”

  Also from Steven Primrose-Smith

  The No. 1 Amazon UK Bestseller

  George Pearly Is A Miserable Old Sod

  Seventy-year-old British ex-pat miserymonger George Pearly lives on the Costa del Sol, all alone except for his ancient, three-legged dog, Ambrose. George hates his life and everybody in it. These feelings are mutual. Everyone hates George too.

  From this unhappy equilibrium the situation quickly deteriorates. First, George discovers he is dying of a mystery illness. Then his 35-year-old ape-child nephew, Kevin, moves into George's tiny and once tranquil home with a passion for Vimto, Coco Pops and slobbing around in his greying underpants. Worst of all, George's neighbours start to disappear and all accusing fingers point towards George.

  Pull up a sun lounger, grab yourself a piña colada and enjoy a murder-mystery romp on Spain's sunny southern coast.

  Amazon reviews for George Pearly Is A Miserable Old Sod:

  "A bit like Tom Sharpe on speed - ridiculous plot, outlandish characters, unbelievable situations – great. Whizzes along and is great escapist stuff and light reading."

  "Loved this - George Pearly is indeed a Miserable Old Sod and very funny with it - couldn't put it down."

  "This book made me laugh out loud, much to the embarrassment of my son. Original and quirky."

  "Most entertaining. Easy reading, witty and worth a read."

  Also from Steven Primrose-Smith

  Brand New Release

  Love And Other Complete Wastes Of Time

  It's 1986 and Adam is Evie's mysterious high school crush. On the night that she's determined to take it to the next level, Adam suddenly disappears, presumed murdered.

  After pining over his memory for twenty-nine years, Evie accidentally stumbles upon Adam in a supermarket, now inexplicably disguised as a pineapple and claiming to have just been released from prison. But something doesn't appear to be quite right about him. In fact, nothing seems quite right. He's stuck in the 1980s in more ways than one.

  Evie is torn. Despite being the doting mother of her eight-year-old son and happily married to a successful lawyer, she finds herself unable to resist this blast from the past. But when she eventually learns Adam's amazing secret, Evie makes a rash decision that threatens to destroy everything she holds dear and leave her little son howling motherless throughout eternity.

 

 

 


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