Behind the Stick

by K. Evan Coles

  “I’d never turn you away, Kyle. Never.” The hurt in Luka’s eyes humbled Kyle.

  “I think you mean that,” he said, his voice soft. “But not turning me away isn’t the same as wanting me.” Kyle ran his fingers over his beard. “I guess I didn’t want to take any chances.”

  He rushed on when Luka opened his mouth to speak. “The therapy is helping. I’m talking to Carter, too. He’s been dealing with anxiety for a long time and he gets it. I haven’t stayed at Under overnight for almost two weeks now, and I’m starting to feel less like I’m falling apart.” He bit his lip. “I should have talked to someone like Dr. Okafor a long time ago.”

  Luka frowned. “You mean about what happened to you in the Burger Barn fire?”

  “No.” Naturally, Luka’s mind went back to that trauma. Kyle didn’t blame him for jumping to that conclusion because, again, he’d chosen not to share much about his past. “About what happened with my mother. The way she treated Ollie and me, the way my dad sat back and let her act like we were nothing. Like we are nothing. My mother is where my, um… Where my, uh, abandonment issues started.”

  Fire licked up under Kyle’s shirt collar. He couldn’t even say it without stammering. He dropped his gaze to the table and clenched his jaw when Luka laid one hand over his on the table. Neither spoke until after the ferry had pulled back out and started for Manhattan.

  “She tolerated us when we were growing up because of my dad,” Kyle said at last. “After he died, she didn’t need to do that any longer. I told you that I needed to go back to Vermont to work and help Ollie. Well, I had nowhere to stay.” He inhaled deeply. “I was twenty-one. Dad was gone, I’d dropped out of my MFA program to go to work, and my mother told me I couldn’t stay in her house because she didn’t want me there. Because I didn’t belong there.”

  “Jesus.” The rawness in Luka’s voice beat Kyle’s heart all to hell. He made himself meet Luka’s gaze, and the pain he saw there ran through him. “What did you do?”

  “I left. It’s not like I could change her mind about me—I’d learned that by the time I entered kindergarten. I stayed with friends. I slept in my car when I needed to and worked until I saved up enough to rent a room. And as soon as Ollie’s school was done, I watched him graduate then sold the car and left for New York.”

  Kyle turned his hand up and wound his fingers with Luka’s. His breath hitched when Luka squeezed back. He’d missed that touch so much.

  “That was the last time I let my mother close enough to hurt me. But it turns out, the way she treated me has me all messed up.”

  “You are not messed up,” Luka bit out. His eyes flashed with fire and sorrow. “You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met.”

  “Yeah, well. I’m messed up. I have problems with rejection.” Another laugh worked its way out of Kyle, this time choked with the tears he refused to spill. “That’s why I had a hard time when Jes stopped coming around last year. And why it hurt me when your mom acted like I didn’t exist.” He shook his head at the way Luka’s eyes went wide.

  “I hid the way I felt about it, so don’t you blame yourself.” He rubbed the bridge of his nose with his free hand. “And you. Man, I was so blindsided when you asked me to leave that night, Luka. You laughed about it. I never saw that coming. Not from you.”

  “Fuck. I’m sorry. God, I really am.” Luka pressed his lips together, and Kyle could read his struggle to stay calm. “I had no idea what you were going through, Kyle. But I needed the time. I still do.”

  Kyle drew in a big breath. “I know. I’d almost rather you get it over with and end it though.”

  “I don’t want that.”

  “Don’t you?”

  “No.” Luka’s headshake was almost violent. “I’m just not sure where we go from here.”

  “Yeah. I don’t know either.” Kyle sighed. “Can we, I don’t know, start over? Come to the bar on Thursday for the monthly party,” he urged. “We can talk and hang out with everyone and just be.”

  “I’d love to, but I’m on duty.”

  Luka’s sad expression told Kyle everything he needed to know. They couldn’t come back from this if Luka didn’t want to. And right now, he didn’t. It still fucking hurt Kyle to force himself to go on.

  “Right. I get that. I’m out though, okay?” His eyes burned at the way Luka shook his head, the movement almost imperceptible.

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means this isn’t all about you.” Kyle squeezed Luka’s fingers. “I’ll…if you need me, I’ll be there for you. But I can’t do this back and forth where you say you want me and pull away at the same time. It hurts. It gets in my head, Luka, and breaks my heart and I’m—”

  Scarred. Ruined. Nothing.

  Kyle swallowed hard. “I can’t deal with it. And I need you to stop messaging me for a while.”

  “What?” The concern in Luka’s expression sharpened. “Why?”

  “Because I know you’re only doing it to be nice. But I don’t need a buddy or a bodyguard. I need a partner. Someone who’s okay with my flaws, no matter how big they are.”

  Pain crossed Luka’s face when Kyle pulled his hand free and stood. “Where are you going?”

  “Outside. I want a head-start for the subway when we dock because I need to get my head together on the ride uptown and I can’t do that with you.” Kyle tried to clear the gravel in his throat. “I’ve missed you, Clarke. Take care of yourself, okay?”

  He managed a smile before he turned for the door, but every step away from Luka just hurt more. Kyle stepped out into the freezing January wind and kept moving until he reached a spot close to the ferry’s egress points where he huddled up against a wall.

  Fuck.

  Walking away was the right thing to do. Kyle knew it despite the pain he’d caused them both. They each needed time to heal. Kyle more than anyone, it seemed. Maybe he and Luka could find a way to be friends again—stranger things had happened. Kyle knew better than to count on it, though. Instead, he willed himself to ignore the sting in his eyes and focused on the city in front of him instead of looking back the way he’d come.

  Chapter Eighteen

  “You…don’t seem okay.”

  Ruby frowned at Luka across the table. His sister had badgered him into meeting for lunch at a Cuban restaurant on his day off. Now that they were partway through the meal, he’d begun to regret he’d agreed.

  “What’s going on?” she asked.

  “Why does everyone keep asking that?” Luka asked irritably.

  “Well, maybe we know what we’re talking about.” Ruby pushed her hair off her face and the bright bangles on her arm clinked.

  “I’m fine.”

  “You’re full of shit and you know it.”

  “I’m tired is what I am.” Luka fidgeted with his tiny cup of Café Cubano. “This time of year is shitty. The last of the Christmas tree fires and a bunch of suicides. It’s not fun. Especially on top of the nearly two feet of snow we got last week. All I’ve been doing is digging people out.”

  “Okay, but you’ve never been in this kind of post-holiday slump before. And what’s this about Kyle not coming to my show next Saturday?”

  Luka gave her a quizzical look. “I’m not sure what you mean.”

  “I texted him about it weeks ago. He said he was coming and now, all of a sudden, he isn’t. Something obviously happened.”

  “He does have a job.”

  “Yeah, a job that I know for a fact is flexible if he has enough notice. Based on the way you’ve been acting and his cancellation, I’m pretty sure work isn’t the problem. So, tell me what’s up.” Ruby leaned forward and frowned, a furrow creasing the soft skin on her forehead.

  Luka’s resolve crumbled. Ruby looked and sounded so much like their mother just then. If Luka didn’t spill to Ruby now, she’d send in the big guns, and Luka really didn’t want to face Regina or Lydia now.

  He cleared his throat. “Kyle and I are…a mess.�
�

  Ruby nodded. “That’s understandable. You both went through a horrific thing.” She rested her hand on top of his.

  “It’s more than that,” Luka admitted. “Things got weird a few weeks ago. We had a fight.”

  “That does happen in relationships.”

  “Sure. But Kyle and I haven’t fought until now.” Luka looked down. “And he said he wanted time to think.”

  When Ruby didn’t reply, Luka gave her a searching look. She remained silent and nibbled at her lip before she leaned in. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

  “Okay?” That didn’t sound promising at all.

  “Mom and I went to Under the other night.”

  Luka gave her a baffled look. “So? You’re always welcome there, unless… Did Kyle have a problem with it? If he’s taking our fight out on you and Mom…”

  “What? No. No, of course not. He was very gracious. Something just seemed off with him though, so I cornered him when things were slow.” Ruby pursed her lips. “He said he’d been having a hard time coping since the bashing, which didn’t surprise me. It took him a while to admit it, but he also said you’ve been freezing him out since.”

  “I’ve been freezing him out?” Luka’s laugh sounded hollow. “Kyle started seeing a therapist and hid it from me. He told me he wanted some space. He didn’t even call me when it came time to do the police line-up! He made a positive ID and one of the suspects has been arrested. We should have been celebrating together, and yet…”

  Ruby frowned. “It sounds like you’re not communicating well at all.”

  “Yeah. But I don’t know what to say to him anymore.” Luka sighed heavily. “I don’t know what to do about any of it. I think maybe Kyle’s better off without me. Maybe it’s just…better this way.”

  “Seriously? What the fuck are you talking about, Luka? I get it that you guys have been dealing with some serious shit, but you should be holding on to him tighter not pushing him away. Gah! What is wrong with you?”

  “This isn’t all on me, you know? Kyle’s been acting distant, too.”

  “So, you close the distance. You fight, you figure out what needs to be fixed, then you move forward.” Ruby sounded exasperated. “You don’t just give up.”

  “I don’t know if there’s any fixing this.”

  “Why wouldn’t there be?”

  “Because the problem isn’t the two of us. The problem is the world out there.”

  A puzzled look crossed his sister’s face. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean the problem isn’t only between Kyle and me. It’s that being with me is endangering him further. Look what happened to us! What if it happens again? What if it’s worse the next time?” Luka felt ill at the thought.

  “Yeah, it could happen again. It could happen whether you’re together or apart.”

  “But if Kyle is dating some white boy from Chelsea, it’s a lot less fucking likely.”

  Ruby scoffed. “He could get bashed by someone who hates gay people. What the hell do you think happened back there in Brooklyn? Those guys weren’t after you only because you’re a mixed-race couple. You could date a white woman, and somebody might take issue with that. People who hate will find an excuse to spread it no matter what. Are you really telling me you’re going to let them win?”

  She leaned in and stared Luka in the eye. He flinched, struggling to meet his sister’s gaze. She saw too much.

  “I can’t look at Kyle without seeing that scar,” Luka confessed. “It makes me feel guilty about what happened. And after I told him that, he shut down on me.”

  Ruby narrowed her eyes at him. “What did you say exactly? Before he shut down, I mean.”

  “That the scar bothered me. That I can’t stop thinking about it every time I look at him.”

  Ruby let out an aggravated-sounding huff as she lightly swatted his hand. “You dumb shit! No wonder he shut down. He probably thinks you’re rejecting him because of the way he looks with the scar! I’m sure he’s self-conscious about it already.”

  Luka’s eyes widened. He’d never considered that possibility. “Fuck!”

  Ruby tilted her head and gave him a knowing look. “Am I right?”

  “You might be,” he grudgingly admitted.

  “Have things been okay in the bedroom department since the attack?” Luka gave Ruby a confused look. “Does Kyle know you still find him attractive or were you pushing him away there, too?”

  “It had been a while,” Luka replied.

  At first, neither of them had felt up to having sex. They’d spent a quiet night in for New Year’s Eve because they’d lacked energy for socializing. They’d had sex that night and it had been slow and easy. Physically, they’d been close, but Luka hadn’t been able to quell his panic or fear.

  So, he’d pulled away to gather his thoughts. He’d hoped to talk to Kyle more about his problems getting past the attack but then he’d discovered Kyle’s therapy appointments. They’d fought not long after and then…well, he hadn’t seen Kyle at all until they’d run into each other in Brooklyn. The conversation had been stilted and awkward, but Kyle had spilled a ton of information, too, before he’d said he was out. Out of what, Luka didn’t know for sure. The one thing he did know was that Kyle didn’t want Luka messaging him anymore.

  Luka’s life had been empty without Kyle. He’d spent those weeks feeling the same way he did when his chief called on him and the crew to fall back during a fire because it was too dangerous for them to continue. Luka would watch buildings burning to the ground, unable to do anything but stand by, helpless. The same thing happening to his relationship with Kyle, but Kyle had ordered Luka to fall back, and Luka was trying to respect that. What had that time apart gotten either of them, though? Luka still didn’t know what the hell he was doing or how to keep Kyle safe. He still worried way too much that the people in his life would be hurt.

  The distance Luka had thought he’d needed had given him some perspective however. He knew he still wanted Kyle desperately in every way he could get him. But he could feel Kyle slipping away. Luka knew that was on him. He’d pushed Kyle away out of fear. Because as frightened as he was of losing Kyle, Luka felt even more terrified of being the reason Kyle got hurt.

  Again.

  But, hell, Luka had hurt Kyle himself with his words and his actions. The way Kyle had looked at Luka on that ferry, like his heart had been in pieces…

  Luka’s head spun. He hadn’t known the full extent of Kyle’s problems with his mother or about his abandonment issues. Luka had been afraid for Kyle since the incident, but had Kyle misinterpreted that fear as rejection?

  Kyle’s words on the ferry echoed in his brain. ‘I need a partner. Someone who’s okay with my flaws, no matter how big they are.’

  Had Kyle meant his scar? That he believed Luka didn’t want Kyle anymore because of a mark on his face?

  “Fuck,” Luka said again, more quietly as the enormity of what he’d done settled over him. “When Kyle and I talked the other day, he said he wanted out. I didn’t understand what he meant. He said he needed me to stop messaging him for a while. I thought he just needed space,” Luka said, “but if you’re right about what he’s been thinking, maybe he meant something more permanent. Did he…did he break up with me?”

  Ruby gave him a sympathetic look. “I don’t know. I think you need to talk to him.”

  Luka nodded, deep in thought.

  “Can I get you anything else? Dessert perhaps?” the waiter asked, startling Luka with his appearance. “We have an excellent flan and arroz con leche available today.”

  Luka shook his head. “No, thank you.”

  Dessert wasn’t what he needed right now. No, Luka needed time to figure out what to do next.

  * * * *

  Luka rubbed at a spot on Engine 47’s chrome bumper that was already clean and shiny, lost in his thoughts. He’d considered his sister’s words more than once since their conversation. A part of him had wanted to ru
n to Kyle’s place right then and set things right. Tell Kyle he was flat-out wrong if he thought Luka was disgusted by a scar.

  Luka swallowed past the thickness in his throat at the idea Kyle would ever doubt that Luka found him attractive. Kyle was handsome, scar or no scar. But Luka hadn’t been in a relationship with him just for Kyle’s good looks. Kyle’s quiet humor, his kindness, who he was as a human being—those were things Luka loved most about him. The happiness he brought into Luka’s life. The way he made Luka feel.

  And what had Luka done? Brought stress into Kyle’s life in the form of Luka’s meddling family. Sure, Regina and his mom were on Team Kyle now, but it had been a difficult road for Kyle. He’d put himself in uncomfortable situations and worked hard to win all of Luka’s family over and not once complained.

  Luka had repaid Kyle how? He’d put Kyle in danger. Made Kyle feel rejected. Made him doubt that Luka’s feelings were more than skin-deep. And broken open old wounds from Kyle’s troubled upbringing.

  Kyle’s scar was not the problem. Luka’s guilt was.

  Luka hadn’t run to Kyle because Kyle had asked for space. What kind of a jerk would Luka be if he ignored that request? He didn’t want to be the asshole who disrespected Kyle’s boundaries.

  Kyle was right, too. Luka had been saying he wanted Kyle but pulling away at the same time. That wasn’t fair. Before Luka did anything, he needed to get his own head on straight and be sure he could handle the possible repercussions to their relationship.

  Kyle had clearly been working on himself in the form of seeing a therapist. Maybe Luka needed to do the same. Talking to Ruby had helped purge some of Luka’s awful feelings. He could reach out to a departmental therapist for more. Or, hell, talk to his stepfather. Tomas had been Luka’s sounding board for years. Maybe he could help Luka put things in perspective now. After all, he was in an interracial relationship himself—he had to know some of Luka’s worries.