The intercom crackled to life. “Engine 47. Rescue squad. Bakery fire at the corner of Manhattan Avenue and 116th Street.”
Luka threw the soapy sponge into the bucket and strode to the locker room to put on his gear. Minutes later, the truck pulled out of the station house, sirens screaming.
For now, Luka had to put all his focus on the job.
* * * *
Several days later, Luka pushed open the doors to Tomas’ accounting firm. He waved at Camila—the office receptionist—who was on the phone. She waved and pointed toward the back of the space.
“Go in,” she mouthed.
Luka nodded and headed for Tomas’ office where he found the door open. Tomas looked up with a smile after Luka rapped gently on the doorframe.
“Hey, Pop.”
“Hey, son.” Tomas got out of his chair and walked around the desk to greet Luka. “Perfect timing. I just finished up with a client.”
“Good. I worried I might be too early.”
Tomas hugged him tightly. “I was surprised when you called.”
“I know this is a stressful time of year for you.” Mid-January through the end of April was always Tomas’ busiest season, and Luka knew his stepfather wouldn’t take a break for just anyone.
“I’ll always make time for you.”
“Either that or the lunch I picked up,” Luka teased.
“I’ll admit it’s a toss-up.” Tomas grinned. “But, please come on in. Close the door and have a seat, and we’ll catch up over food. You said you needed to talk?”
With the door shut, Luka and Tomas unpacked the bag of food from the deli and spread it out on the desk, which was tidy beyond Tomas’ computer set-up, some pens and a framed photograph of the entire Clarke-Padilla family. Seeing it made Luka’s chest warm.
“I do need to talk,” he said once they’d both sat down. “I’ve been having a hard time.”
“Because of the attack?”
“More because it’s impacting my relationship with Kyle.”
“Oh, I see.” Tomas frowned. “What’s going on?”
Luka licked his lips. “Have you ever been afraid that someone would go after you and Mom because of your race?”
“The thought has crossed my mind,” Tomas said. “But I haven’t been in a situation where it’s happened, or I’ve felt like it was imminent. Everything has been much more subtle than that. Certain looks and comments, that sort of thing. It’s rarely overt. And nothing like what you and Kyle experienced.”
Luka had expected as much. “I know what happened to us isn’t that common. I’ve always known I’m more likely to get mugged for my wallet than be the victim of a hate crime, but I thought…I don’t know. I thought it could never happen to me, I guess. I figured I’m a big enough guy to intimidate anyone if I wanted to. Feeling so helpless, not being able to protect Kyle… That was the worst part.”
Tomas offered Luka a sad smile. “You’re a protector, Luka. You always have been. Your father died protecting people, and while your mother’s job isn’t as dangerous, her focus is her patients. If something happened in the hospital, she would die protecting them. Protecting people is in your blood and your bones, and I can’t imagine how frightening it must have been to feel you couldn’t do what every instinct in you was screaming to do.”
Luka dipped his head and mulled over Tomas’ words. His feelings from the night of the attack rushed back. “It was awful,” he said hoarsely. “I don’t ever want to feel like that again.”
“Did something happen between you and Kyle? Because you seem really down.”
“Kyle and I are having trouble. We’ve been drifting further and further apart…” Luka closed his eyes for a moment as emotions threatened to overwhelm him. “And I don’t know if I should let it happen or fight for him. I want to be with Kyle, but I’m afraid being with me puts him at a greater risk.”
“I understand that, but whether you’re together or apart, you can’t protect Kyle from everything. And you’re far more likely to manage it if you’re with him.”
“I know that,” Luka admitted. “Intellectually, I do. But I’m scared shitless of choosing to put myself in that position again.”
“That’s what life is, Luka. That’s what relationships are. Choosing to risk being hurt. Otherwise, what’s the point? You’re not moving forward, you’re not taking risks, you’re just stagnant. And that’s no life at all.”
The words settled deep in Luka’s brain, and he knew he’d have to think about them more after he left. “What if this relationship is riskier than others?”
“What if it offers you more? What if the reward is worth the risk?”
“I don’t know.”
“I can’t answer that for you,” Tomas said. “What I do know is that you love Kyle. That much is clear. The family is happy about that. He’s a good man. He’s good for you. I know this situation has you both rattled, but I don’t believe it has to tear you apart. Unless you choose to let it.”
They ate in silence and Luka took time to think about his stepfather’s words. “What if I did something that hurt Kyle?” he said at last.
“Was it deliberate?”
Luka scowled. “Of course not.”
“Then why do you look like you think he won’t forgive you? Have you spoken with Kyle about it?”
“No. I didn’t realize it until after he’d already asked me to give him some space.”
Tomas sighed. “That’s tricky then. But perhaps he’ll be open to talking if you tell him that you need to apologize. Just don’t do it until you’re sure you want to be with him.”
“Okay. You’re more right about that than you know.” Luka’s grimace made Tomas frown.
“I wish I had more concrete advice to give you, Luka.”
“No, that’s okay,” Luka said as he gathered up the trash from their lunch. “This has helped a lot. It’s given me plenty to think about.”
“I’m glad. It was nice to see you today, even with all the serious talk.”
Luka cracked a smile. “Nice to see you too, Pop. I’ll try to make it home for dinner on Sunday.”
“That would be nice.”
“Love you.”
They stood and Tomas came around the desk to fold Luka into another hug. “I love you too, son. I hope you’re able to work out everything with Kyle.”
* * * *
Luka spent the next few days really thinking about what to do. Ruby and Tomas had made excellent points. The more Luka thought about the way he’d been acting, the more ashamed he grew. He’d fucked up. He’d pushed away the person he loved when Kyle had needed him the most. Now all Luka could hope was that he hadn’t done irreparable damage.
He thought long and hard about what to say to Kyle. He wanted to find the words to fix what he’d broken. But in the end, he realized there were no perfect words. All he could give Kyle was his honesty.
Kyle had asked Luka not to message, so Luka called instead. He didn’t know if that was better or worse than texting, or if Kyle would welcome either, and he wasn’t surprised when the call went to voicemail. Luka hadn’t expected anything else, but it still hurt.
“Kyle?” Luka’s voice cracked a little. “You asked me not to message you, and I want to respect that. I know you need some space, and the last thing I want is to make what you’re struggling with more difficult. But I’ve been talking to people and thinking about what happened, and Ruby said something that made me question some of the conversations you and I have had lately. I think I wasn’t clear about your scar and I want to fix that.”
Luka breathed deep. “When you feel ready, please call me so we can talk. No matter what we decide, I don’t want to leave things the way they are now.”
For two days, there was nothing but silence. The guys at the station teased Luka about checking his phone obsessively, and Luka jumped at every notification that made the damned thing buzz. But still no word from Kyle.
On the second night, Luka fell asleep wit
h the phone clutched in his hand and Robbie curled around them both. Disappointment swept over Luka in a crushing wave when he woke the next morning and found only junk email notifications and tags from friends on social media.
He brought up the folder of pictures he’d saved of him and Kyle and thumbed through them. A lump rose in Luka’s throat. Why had he let his fear get between him and the man he loved? At the time, it had all made sense, but now it seemed only absurd. Luka loved Kyle. Yes, he feared what their future could hold, but Tomas was right. That future was nothing without Kyle in it.
With a sigh, Luka rolled out of bed, but he took his phone with him, just in case. He’d stepped out of the shower and was drying off when his phone buzzed on the bathroom vanity.
Hastily, he wrapped a towel around his hips and reached for it, and when ‘Kyle’ flashed across the screen, Luka’s heart took off, pounding like he’d just run drills. He sat on the edge of the bathtub before he answered it.
“Kyle?”
“Oh, hey, Luka.” Kyle’s voice sounded strained and far more subdued than Luka was used to. “I got your message.”
“Good.”
“I needed time to think about it.”
“I understand.” Luka’s heart ached at how stilted their conversations had become. They’d been so easy before. Almost effortless. Not that he was afraid of hard work. Luka would do whatever it took as long as he and Kyle wanted the same thing.
“Do you have some time in the next few days where we could talk?” Kyle asked.
“Today, if that works for you.”
“Oh.” Kyle sounded surprised. “Yeah, I could do that. You’re not on duty?”
“I’m scheduled to go in later today, but I’m sure I can find someone to pick up my shift. I don’t do it often so if I tell them it’s important, someone will fill in.”
“Are—are you sure? Tomorrow’s fine if that’s better for you.”
“I don’t want this hanging over us any longer than it has to,” Luka said firmly. “Tell me where and when, and I’ll be there.” If need be, he’d call in sick. He’d never played hooky from his job, but he would now if he had to.
Kyle stayed silent a moment. “Why don’t you get back to me once you get someone to cover for you and we’ll figure it out then?”
“Okay,” Luka agreed. “Talk to you later?”
“Later.”
* * * *
That afternoon, Luka buzzed Kyle’s bell. Thankfully, he’d found coverage for his shift without a problem, but his stomach was tied in knots. This had to go well. Luka couldn’t imagine any other outcome.
Kyle buzzed Luka in, and when he opened the door, Luka smiled. Kyle looked good. His beard and hair were neatly trimmed and the circles that had been around his eyes the last time Luka had seen him had faded. Kyle’s answering smile still seemed a little forced though.
They made small talk while Luka removed his coat, talking about the case the district attorney had been building against the man in the baseball cap, as well as the two other men he’d implicated.
“Can I get you anything?” Kyle asked after they’d taken seats on the couch.
Luka shook his head. “I’m fine. I’d rather just clear up what I think is some really bad miscommunication we had.”
“Okay.” Kyle clasped his hands together between his knees. “I’m listening.”
“I talked to Ruby the other day and she mentioned a conversation you two had at Under.”
Kyle’s expression fell. “I shouldn’t have said anything to her. I was hurting and—”
“No, I’m glad you did. It made me realize I’d fucked up.”
“Fucked up how?”
“I have never been disgusted by your scar or how you look.” Luka’s voice wavered. “And if I gave you that impression, I’m sorry.”
“Really? Because every time you looked at me, you’d look away again. I was sure you were repelled by me.” Kyle swallowed. “By the way I look now.”
Luka’s heart ached. “I never meant for you to think that, Kyle. After the attack, I couldn’t look at your face because I felt so guilty. I hated not being able to protect you that night, and the scar was a constant reminder of my failure. The way I feel about you…it’s not just about the way you look. I like you. You’ve brought so much to my life, just by being you. You’re beautiful inside and out.”
Kyle closed his eyes. “I got so in my head about all of this. Like I said, it brought up shit with my mother and—”
“I know.” Luka reached out for Kyle’s hand, and a weight lifted off his shoulders when Kyle opened his eyes again and twined his fingers around Luka’s. “I’m sorry about that. I should have made sure you knew where my head was.”
“You said you were feeling guilty? Why? What happened wasn’t your fault any more than it was mine.”
“I kept thinking that if I were different, you never would have been in this position.”
“Different?” A furrow appeared on Kyle’s brow. “Different how?”
“If I weren’t black—”
“No! Luka, that thought never crossed my mind. I don’t want you to be anyone but who you are.”
“I don’t want to be either,” Luka said. He ached at the distress he read in Kyle’s face. “I’ve never hated myself or my ethnicity before, but all I could think was that race was to blame.”
“No one is to blame but those assholes.” Kyle squeezed Luka’s fingers and the touch made Luka’s heart leap. Maybe he hadn’t damaged their relationship beyond repair.
“I know. I talked to Tomas, which helped. He helped put things in perspective for me.” Luka hauled in a deep breath and exhaled. “I don’t really believe it. I guess it was just easier to focus on that than admitting I had no control over the situation. There was nothing I could have done to prevent it, and I don’t like feeling helpless.”
Kyle nodded. “I understand. Especially with your job. You’re used to saving people from catastrophe. Being a victim must have been hard.”
“It was. I need to deal with that, too. Talking to Tomas helped, but I’m thinking about seeing the departmental counselors. Just to be sure I’ve dealt with all this shit.”
“That could be good for you, Luka. Therapy has helped me.” Kyle sat back and Luka reluctantly let go of his hand.
“I’m glad.” Luka licked his lips. “And if I haven’t said it already, I want you to know how sorry I am about everything. I’ve been so terrified of losing you that I pushed you away and I regret that so much.” He breathed in deeply again. “I know it won’t happen overnight, but do you think that there’s any way you can forgive me? I want so much to get back what we had together, and I know we need to move forward together.”
Kyle didn’t say anything. The moments ticked by, one after the other, every second agonizing. Luka’s pulse pounded in his ears as he waited to hear Kyle’s answer.
“I’d like that,” Kyle said. “I really would.”
“Why does it feel like there’s a ‘but’ there?” Luka asked, his voice tight.
“I guess because I’m scared.” Kyle’s eyes were too bright, and his laugh was strained. “I’m scared you’ll reject me again. Or I’ll get tangled up again and so afraid of being rejected that I’ll convince myself you’ve pushed me away even when you haven’t. I’m working on all of this with Dr. Okafor, but it takes time, and I’m just…afraid.”
“I’m afraid too.” Luka reached out and took both of Kyle’s hands in his again. “Of losing you. Of hurting you. Of not being able to protect you. But in the end, I’m more afraid of letting you slip away from me. I love you, Kyle. I’m scared too, but I’m not going anywhere. Not if you’ll have me.”
The press of Kyle’s lips against his own set every nerve in Luka’s body alight. It was a soft kiss, almost chaste. But the familiarity in the touch of Kyle’s lips reassured Luka. The nerves that had been coursing through his body all morning quieted. That kiss was all the answer Luka needed.
Kyle shif
ted back and Luka followed until they were lying side by side.
“Missed this,” Luka murmured.
“Me too.”
Luka pressed his cheek against Kyle’s. The soft prickle of his beard was unfamiliar, but nice, too. There were new things about Kyle for Luka to discover and he was eager to do so. But for now, he wanted to breathe Kyle in and hold him close. Kyle’s heart thumped against Luka’s chest, strong and steady. The heat of Kyle’s body and his nearness were reassuring. Comforting.
For the first time since the attack, Luka felt as though he could breathe again.
Chapter Nineteen
Kyle’s phone buzzed as he exited the subway station at Spring Street in SoHo, and he stepped back inside the doors so he could check the message in relative warmth.
Be done in 15-20, Luka wrote. Meet you outside?
I’ll be there, Kyle replied.
He slipped his phone in his pocket and headed out, a strange mix of melancholy and gratitude twisting in his chest.
True to his word, Luka had sought help from the FDNY Counseling Services Unit. He was in the Manhattan outreach office now, in fact, and he wanted to buy Kyle dinner afterward. While glad Luka was taking care of himself, a quieter part of Kyle grieved, too. Luka saved people’s lives nearly every day—Kyle had never met anyone so courageous. Knowing Luka still grappled with feelings of fear after the bashing stung. And that Kyle had been too busy picking up the pieces of his own drama to understand? That hurt his heart.
Not productive, Kyle reminded himself. Supporting each other was key in getting past their guilt over what had happened, and falling into another shame spiral wouldn’t do either of them any good. Luka was trying and Kyle wanted to meet him halfway.
Or as close to halfway as possible, at least.
It had taken Kyle all these weeks to build himself back up, and he’d almost backslid after breaking things off with Luka. There were still parts of him that felt broken, but he was getting back to his “normal”—he could feel the change. He’d been sleeping better and started yoga practice again, and his appetite was improving every day. Knowing Luka was working on his own needs helped, too.
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