“You’ve never see the ocean before?” I turned at the sound of Diesel walking into the lounge. I tentatively shook my head.
“No…” I turned back and pressed my hand against the glass. “I never even left the city before meeting you.”
I placed myself down on the carpeted floor and curled my legs to my chest. Behind me, Diesel rampaged through the cabinets and cupboards before the clicks of wine glasses settled on the table. There was a sharp pop of a wine being opened followed by a fizz of the cups being filled. As he walked over, he handed me a glass.
The wine was sweet as the bubbling tang coated my entire mouth and throat. The house went so quiet. Diesel sat on the single lounge chair closest to me, quietly slipping his drink. For a while I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t look away from the bleeding sky as the sun dropped into the horizon. The sky darkened as the night crawled up. When I looked back over my shoulder, I locked eyes with Diesel who had been watching me, his wine glass cradled in his long fingers as he gentle stirred his drink.
I turned away, suddenly self-conscience as I licked the residue of wine off my lips. The silence between us felt unnatural, as though we were still clinging onto unresolved conflict.
“Do you regret it?” I jerked upwards at his question.
“Regret what?”
“Regret us.”
I dropped my eyes down, more afraid of my answer than I was of the question. Diesel’s expression didn’t change or pinch with concern. He patiently watched, sipping his wine. I felt like I should regret it, that I should be scared of him but I wasn’t. Honestly, I think I even craved it. Thinking of how his body pulled into mine, sucking me in, still sent shivers up my spine.
Before I could answer he leant forward, “You know, in a past life when I was just a kid there was this old man that would buy me lunch every day. He would wait at the end of the train tracks and leave the food in a plastic bag for me. He would do this for weeks, months even and every day I took the free meal without ever talking to him. Until one afternoon, as he went to place the food in the usual spot, someone mugged him. I had been waiting for him to show and watched it all happened. After they took his wallet and the plastic bag, they left him there to die. For about an hour I watched him. I didn’t check to see if he was okay. I wasn’t even sure if he was alive. After that hour, I thought, why should I help him? I didn’t mug him. This has nothing to do with me and with that rationalizing, I turned and just left.
“For weeks I didn’t see him, and I accepted he was dead and went on with my life. Months passed when, by pure coincidence, I wondered past the tracks to find him waiting there. He was in a wheel chair with the bag of food on his lap. He saw me from the distance and smiled. He then placed the food in the usual spot and left.” Diesel looked up into eyes, “For years I thought about him. I called him stupid, a fool and that he was just asking for people to take advantage of him, when really I had felt a great pain at losing the one person I would consider a friend. It’s been one of my greatest regrets and I didn’t even know his name.”
“What happened to him?”
“I’m not sure, but all I do know is that he is gone for good now. The last person to show me any type of kindness,” Diesel bowed his head as he smiled into his glass. “You remind me of him, you know.”
My smile pulled harder against my face than I intended. Quickly, I pressed my lips together to mask the delight. “I do? How?”
“The way you worry and protect your sister. You do things for others, even though it doesn’t benefit you directly. It draws me to you in ways I can’t describe. You have me at my most vulnerable, but I don’t want this feeling to go away.”
My face heated beneath my cheeks. He turned his attention back to the ocean, his stare gentle and unnerved, as the messy wisps of his black hair flicked down his forehead. This guy… he was a total mystery. I didn’t know if it was Rohan’s appearance or if Diesel had started to change, but I was able to see a new side of him I had no idea existed. What fascinated me the most was there appeared to be more to him then even he wanted to acknowledge.
“Why?” I suddenly whispered.
“Why what?”
“Why do you try to hide behind a façade?” He turned his chin down, moving his attention completely onto me. I asked, hesitating. “Has it got something to do with Katie?”
Suddenly, Diesel’s face tightened. From his shoulders up to his neck and eyes, the muscles jumped and his breathing became sharp. “How do you know who Katie is?”
“Back at Sanctuary, you were a bit delirious and you called me Katie.”
“I haven’t thought about her in a very long time.” His eyes darted to and fro as his mind began to scatter, chasing down the memory of Katie.
“You know…” I started in a low voice, “I too, sometimes, feel like I’m putting on a façade. I pretend I’m not scared or that I don’t care what others think, but I’m not sure if it’s true. I used to say I would do anything to protect my little sister but, after everything we’ve gone through, I’m starting to worry I don’t have the ability anymore.” My arms tightened around my knees. “I’m beginning to hesitate and it makes me think… that I’m not the person I always thought I was. I’m not brave. I can’t save her.”
“What’s wrong with being a little scared from time to time?” I looked up to find his eyes had softened again. “You’re here right now, aren’t you, because of your sister? You’re looking for a way to get the D400 for her. You’re risking your life to track down the Elite and make sure your sister has a proper future. How is that not anything less than praise worthy? I really admire that about you.”
Admire? Tingles ran from my cheeks and into my chest cavity, bubbling into nervous laughter. But I knew I was being a massive hypocrite. I said I would do anything for her when it was so obvious that I wouldn’t; I was too scared.
“Hey, Diesel… what if the D400 isn’t the only solution?”
Diesel laughed. “What do you mean by that?”
My heart pounded. I drew in my lower lip, nervously biting it. “I’m just thinking aloud.” I lifted my hand and looked at the crisscrossing lines across the palm, trying to picture the blood beneath. “Do you know about the old passage? The one the first people to reincarnate used to repeat?” He shook his head. I drew in a shaky breath. “There’s a thing going around…. that someone with inhuman blood can stop reincarnation. Do you think that it’s possible?”
“Where did you hear something like that?”
“Father Patrick showed me this back in Sanctuary.” I carefully took out the parchment and handed it over to him. Suddenly serious, Diesel unfolded the paper and skimmed over the passage. Feeling impatient, I asked. “Well, what do you think?”
“These words seem familiar.” He flipped the parchment over to check the back before handing it back to me. “I guess it’s a possibility.”
I stuffed the parchment back into my pocket. “So you believe it?”
He shrugged. “I only believe what I see with my own two eyes. It could also just be false prophesising. But if this Soulless person did exist, well we would have no choice then.”
“What do you mean?”
“I would have to destroy them.” He said it so casually I thought I had misheard him. “If such a person exists, they must be taken apart. Even if they were a person of the Elite or if they lived in an isolated cave, I would find them.” He glanced back at me smiling only to notice my worried expression. He lowered his voice. “What’s with the look? Wouldn’t you?”
I gulped. “I don’t know. Don’t you think that’s a bit extreme?”
“Extreme? Hell no. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to end reincarnation. If their blood could stop all of this, then I would make it my eternal life’s mission to take it from them.”
I buried my head into my knees, the anxiety was overpowering. “Well… I guess that’s your opinion.”
“What would that even look like? Someone born with inhuman blood? I bet
they’ll look like some sort of inside out bag of mutant skin,” he laughed.
I weakly chuckled, “Yeah… they must be some sort of freak, right?”
“Of course they would be a freak. Inhuman blood means they’re not human. Who could care about something like that?”
My chest suddenly tightened. I couldn’t talk to him anymore. Every word that came out of his mouth crushed clamps around my throat. Just stop it! I am human! I do matter! I squeezed my hand to stop myself from shouting. No soul imprint didn’t mean I was the Soulless. I needed to calm down. I needed to think properly.
“I’m going to get some sleep.” My voice trembled as I stood up. Calm down, Nadia. Calm down.
“Huh? But it’s still so early.”
“I’m tired.” I went to step around him as Diesel quickly grabbed my arm.
“Whoa, wait up. Don’t leave just…” He looked at me with a puzzled expression. “Did I say something wrong?”
Yes. “No, it’s nothing. I’m just tired.” I couldn’t bring myself to linger. I stepped out of his grip and left as fast as I could.
I searched back through the house and found myself a bed to sleep on. As I curled under the sheets, Diesel’s words rang like church bells. I shrivelled up, suddenly terrified. I needed to know. I needed to know the truth; I could feel it clawing at me. After falling asleep I was suddenly jerked awake by a voice shouting through the corridors. It was dead in the middle of the night, the entire house had sunken beneath the darkness, making it impossible to see. I got up and traced the shouting back into the lounge to find Diesel had fallen asleep on the recliner. He was talking loudly in his sleep as he tossed and turned about in his chair.
He had his face turned toward me, his eyes pinched closed, his jaw clicked. He was muttering but I couldn’t catch what he was trying to say. The only word I understood was Katie. Diesel… you are so broken. Letting Diesel walk around without any D400 in his system may not have been the ideal situation. From the glimpse I caught, there was something dark and disturbing lurking in his memories. It was only a matter of time before it sprung up.
I got up, took a blanket from the one of the beds and gently covered him. The sight of him curled up made me think of Annie, to the nights where her terrors shook her so violently she would fall out of bed.
“It’s okay…” I whispered. “I’m here.” I glided my finger down his cheekbones, trying to soothe him. Gently, Diesel started to respond. His breathing slowed, his face slowly relaxed. His murmuring quietened down to indistinguishable mumbles. My heart broke watching him.
It took me a few moments to understand the sensation that filled my chest. As if swallowing dirty water, it left an awful taste in my mouth as the pit in my stomach became heavy. Without blinking an eye, without fully understanding it, I was preparing to leave.
CHAPTER FORTY:
If I really was the Soulless, what would I do?
“Oi! Let’s go!” A hand grabbed and shook my shoulder. Dazed, I jerked upwards and immediately brought my hands protectively to my face. Diesel stepped back and indicated with his chin. “Come on.”
I got up and walked back into the hallway and through the kitchen. The morning sun bathed the room in a faint white light as the ocean’s familiar blue rippled with the waves. The blanket I had put over Diesel had been kicked off and thrown carelessly across the floor. My cheeks warmed in embarrassment. I couldn’t help but think what was going through Diesel’s mind when he woke to find I had done such a girlie thing.
“Are you coming or not?” he jabbed again. Quickly, I followed Diesel out of the house. As soon as we were back in the car, we fell back into an awkward, tense silence. My mind was elsewhere. I couldn’t get the idea of having inhuman blood out of my head. Is it even possible? I knew the only way to figure out the truth was to test it, exactly as Father Patrick said he was going to do. But how? I don’t have any labs or technology to run blood tests. And the last thing I want is to involve other people. If it was true, I didn’t know what I’d do. Would I tell someone? Turn myself in? Would I run and hide?
Why can’t it just go back to the way things were? A jolt of guilt hit me. If it was me, but I didn’t do anything about it, what will happen then? Will everyone else be stuck in this reincarnated hell, forever repeating their lives just becoming madder and madder until they snap? But why me? Why am I responsible? Why am I the one who had to be born without a soul imprint? It wasn’t my choice. I didn’t want this. It felt like I was being punished for a crime I didn’t commit. If I didn’t help, I wondered if there would be a second Soulless, someone else who was born in another century who could stop the plague. Someone braver than me? It can’t go on forever, right? It can’t…
“Hey!” I jolted upwards. Diesel had pulled the car over without me realising it. We were on a cliff face, looking out toward the ocean. I had never seen it in the day light before. The blue felt eternal as though the sky had crashed into the earth. “Want to check it out?”
The excitement from last night was long gone. I sunk a little further into my seat and cupped my forehead. “No.”
“Why not?”
“I have a hangover.”
“You barely drank one class of wine, don’t be such a wuss.” He kicked his door open and walked around to open mine. “Come on. I’ll drag you out if I have to.”
“Why are you doing this?”
He offered me his hand. “Well… you were so excited about it yesterday, so, you know… I thought you’ll like it.”
I looked up at Diesel’s outstretched hand puzzled how someone so different to me could possibly know what I was feeling. As he helped me out he moved awkwardly as though unsure how to be gentle. If he knew I could be the Soulless, he definitely wouldn’t be so kind.
Inhuman blood means they’re not human. Who would care about something like that?
“Thanks.” I took his hand and stood. It became colder the closer we walked to the water. Wrapping my arms around myself, I looked out. The salt on the breeze surrounded me; it was strong enough I could taste it at the back of my throat and the soft, whooshing crash of the water breaking sent chills up my back. I walked up to the railing on the cliff and leaned on the slanted wood. If only I could stay here, forever.
If I really was the Soulless, what would I do?
Diesel stepped up beside me and shoved his hands into his pockets. For a moment, we let the wind do the talking. The whistle of the breeze skimming over our heads was comforting against the brittle crash from the waves below. The idea of leaving him kept popping up like a constant pinch. I felt like I was lying and that when he found out the truth about me, he’ll become enraged. He’ll hate me. He’ll want to kill me.
“What’s gotten into you? Why aren’t you talking? Are you mad at me?”
“Why would I be mad at you?” I glanced over.
“I’m sure there are plenty of reasons for you to be mad at me.” He ruffled his hair. “If you’re mad, then just tell me. Just get it off your chest.”
“I’m not mad,” I said more firmly.
“Hmm, well then good.” He pulled me sideways by my elbow. “If you’re not mad, then follow me.”
Between the fence posts was a trail weaving down the hill toward the sandy, empty beach. Once we reached the bottom, my feet sank as the grains parted beneath me. I turned back and looked back up the steep hill to where the car was parked. The cliff dropped into choppy blue water twenty-metres above our heads. I had never been this close to the ocean before. I had never felt sand or smelled the sea. “Take your shoes off.” Diesel kicked off his boots and I quietly followed suit. The sand was cold as it pressed upwards between my toes. It was strange.
If I really was the Soulless, what would I do?
“What are we doing here, Diesel? What’s the whole point of this?”
“Does there need to be a point?” he shouted back as he walked ahead toward the water. I ran to catch up, but quickly found the loose sand made it difficult to run on. I was u
nsure why, but when Diesel treats me kindly I end up feeling spooked. One minute he is cold and distant, the next he’s taking my hand and showing me the ocean. It’s like we’re not even from the same planet. I never know what to expect out of him, he was just so unpredictable.
“Don’t look so mad,” he jokingly lectured. “I’m just trying to be nice, don’t act weird about it.”
Is that what it is? Instinctively, my hands formed fists. Am I really that tragic?
“Kindness coming from you just doesn’t feel natural,” I countered.
Diesel grinned, “And here I thought we were getting along nicely.”
“Aren’t you too-” I started but felt the words bunch up on my tongue. “Why aren’t you mad?”
“When am I ever anything but courteous and pleasant?” He asked as I rose my eyebrow sarcastically in response. Diesel sat himself down and stretched out his legs. I waited behind him as he spoke. “I dunno… I guess, after so many decades I finally feel like I’m moving forward. Once I get the formula, all of these people in my head will vanish for good and I’ll finally get to live in peace.” He leaned far backward so he was looking at me upside down. “Before it felt like I was holding onto a thin rope that I couldn’t stop from unravelling, but now that you’re here, I’ve got something else I can hold onto.”
Hearing him say such a thing should’ve sent me into over drive, but his words only left my face numb and expressionless. Was I wrong about him? No, he said it himself. No matter who it was, he will destroy them. But does that count me, too?
“Geez… you’re really buying into all this crap? I’m messing with you. Don’t look so serious.”
My chest quickly deflated. “Don’t kid about that stuff.”
He turned back to face the ocean, chuckling. “While we’re here, you should at least feel the water. I don’t know if we’ll be able to get this close again for a while.”
Soulless (The Immortal Gene Trilogy Book 1) Page 27