So We Can Glow

by Leesa Cross-Smith

  CAITRIONA

  (slinks her legs back from him, holds her wine with two hands)

  What’s dangerous about asking a question?

  ADAM

  (gulps his wine and finishes it, lights another cigarette)

  (ADAM catches a glimpse of his in-real-life wife MINNIE in the audience, front row and loses his train of thought for a split second. The train rattles, re-centers itself. MINNIE lifts her mouth in the slightest smile. ADAM continues addressing his stage wife, CAITRIONA, who is also his ex-lover from years ago. MINNIE always sits in the front row when she comes to the play, although he wishes she would sit in the shadows so she wouldn’t distract him so much. But that’s exactly what MINNIE wants. Distraction.)

  Um. What’s dangerous about asking a question is that you may very well get the answer you want. Or don’t want. I could unintentionally hurt you. I don’t want to do that.

  CAITRIONA

  But I’m tough. I can take it.

  (CAITRIONA sees ADAM’s wife MINNIE in the front row. MINNIE is wearing a white dress that glows in the dark. CAITRIONA wishes MINNIE wouldn’t wear white and sit in the front row. CAITRIONA wishes MINNIE wouldn’t glare at her. It’s distracting. Yes, CAITRIONA and ADAM dated long ago, but it was only light and fun, not serious. ADAM had been married to MINNIE for years. They had a child together! CAITRIONA had ADAM’s abortion in the nineties, but no one knew about that except her and ADAM. CAITRIONA and ADAM maintain their deep eye contact and the rain machine seems to get louder.)

  ADAM

  You think I’m unaware of your toughness? You’re the toughest woman I know.

  (ADAM maintains deep eye contact with CAITRIONA, but yes, there’s a part of him that wants to mouth sorry to his wife in the front row. ADAM wants to reassure her that he’s only repeating the lines the playwright has written for him, for them. MINNIE is a strong woman! MINNIE is the strongest woman he knows! He’s always lied to MINNIE about him and CAITRIONA sleeping together when they were lovers, although he knew MINNIE didn’t believe him. The continued lie somehow made it true to both ADAM and MINNIE. He’d stuck to it for so long—their entire relationship—he could never go back. And CAITRIONA having the abortion had erased everything anyway. Poof! Disappeared. There was nothing left to discuss. He and CAITRIONA weren’t in love anymore. He loves MINNIE. There MINNIE is, sitting not ten feet away from him across the stage wash, the fourth wall, through the proscenium arch. The lights are hot. The theatre is dead-silent except for the rain machine and the intense, complicated string music piping out. But ADAM is sure he can hear MINNIE breathing.)

  CAITRIONA

  (drinking her wine, tucking even further into herself, folding back)

  So tell me what I do that bothers you or I’m going to be really annoyed.

  ADAM

  (smoking)

  We’re having such a nice night. Why do you have to ruin it?

  (CAITRIONA uses every ounce of theatre training she has, every bit of discipline to focus on ADAM’s face, this fake fight. This fake fight not so unlike their real fights. The ones they used to have when they were together. When ADAM would get jealous of her ex-boyfriends stopping by the theatre. The one who brought her roses after a performance; the other one who brought her tulips. ADAM would wonder what man would bring her flowers the next week or the next. CAITRIONA would remind him that she hadn’t asked them to bring her flowers. That she couldn’t control people. Everyone did what they wanted to do and what the hell could she do to stop it? CAITRIONA swears she can hear MINNIE breathing in the front row. The man CAITRIONA is dating now is sitting in the shadows like a proper lover. She’d instructed him where to sit, so as not to be a distraction. He is a listener, a good one. Her body warms, thinking of him. Thinking of the forthcoming night with him. MINNIE thinks CAITRIONA wants ADAM, but CAITRIONA has already had ADAM and that was enough.)

  CAITRIONA

  (no longer touching Adam)

  I’m not ruining anything! I’m asking a simple question. Here, I’ll go first. You eat too many crunchy things. That’s how I’d write about you in the bird guide. This is an Adam Bird. It’s tan to light brown and it wears a lot of flannel and eats too many crunchy things. The noise is grating.

  ADAM

  You leave your wet towels on the bed.

  CAITRIONA

  (fanning Adam’s cigarette smoke)

  You flirt with other women. And you smoke too much.

  (A snap of thunder from the rain machine. ADAM feels a gentle jump-twitch in his heart. Maybe it’s the smoking? A palpitation. He has those. It doesn’t worry him. He even looks forward to them sometimes. A muscle-reminder that his heart is beating now and won’t always do that. That anxiety roots him, keeps him closer to God, where he should be.)

  ADAM

  (takes one more drag from his cigarette before putting it out)

  So I’ll smoke less. And who do I flirt with?

  (CAITRIONA vividly remembers the night they made their baby. It really was one night and only one night, which adds to the ridiculousness of what they were to one another, what they are, what they continue to be. It was raining just like the rain machine noising offstage. They’d walked home from dinner and ADAM’s glasses were wet and foggy so he took them off, set them on the kitchen table. They’d kissed and kissed by the sink, against the stove, in the doorway, down the hall. They hadn’t used anything and CAITRIONA had forgotten to take her birth control but didn’t mention it. She thought she’d be okay. She forgot to take it often. When she told ADAM she was pregnant he’d gotten the softest, sweetest look on his face. Told her they could keep the baby, raise it together. She’d told him she wanted to go to Los Angeles, see if she could get some work out there. She wanted to be an actress. A real actress. The timing was bad. She cried and he cried too. Neither of them had experienced anything like that before. The fear, the looming decision, the shadow afterward. CAITRIONA still didn’t have any children and maybe it was too late. The baby she didn’t have with ADAM would’ve been twenty years old. Twenty! And now, ADAM had his daughter with MINNIE. CAITRIONA had bought a soft, fuzzy, pink blanket for their baby and a silver rattle. Wrapped it in expensive paper and dropped it off at MINNIE’s baby shower before faking sick and leaving early.)

  CAITRIONA

  (puts her empty glass of wine on the table)

  You flirt with the barista.

  ADAM

  Which barista?

  CAITRIONA

  You know which barista.

  ADAM

  Wow, if I knew which barista, why would I ask?

  CAITRIONA

  That is such a stupid question!

  ADAM

  It is not! I want to know which barista you think I flirt with, so I asked!

  (MINNIE crosses and uncrosses her legs in the front row. ADAM can smell her perfume. Jasmine, lemons. He and CAITRIONA don’t wear any smells when they’re working. It’s distracting. It’s something they’ve agreed on. They are decidedly neutral. Zeroes. Empties. ADAM looks away from CAITRIONA, then back again. Her beautiful birdlike face, that sharp nose, those dark eyes. Her hair is pulled up, tied on top of her head, sloppily. Casual. They are actors, pretending to be married, pretending to be at home on the stage, pretending the grape juice is wine. CAITRIONA is wearing a pair of her own pajamas, a matching top and bottom, thin stripes. ADAM is wearing a new white T-shirt, a pair of gray sweatpants—MINNIE’s favorite lounging outfit of his. Yes, he can definitely smell MINNIE in the front row and maybe he’ll say something to her about wearing perfume in the front row, about sitting in the front row in general. He will tell her to sit in the shadows so as not to be a distraction. He will gentle it by telling her how much he loves her, how much he loves that she supports him and comes to the theatre. It’s important to him, their marriage. She’s very good at making an effort. Yes, he’d loved CAITRIONA but MINNIE, ah MINNIE. He’d made a life with MINNIE for a reason.)

  CAITRIONA

  The young one. The yo
ung barista.

  ADAM

  I don’t know who you’re talking about.

  CAITRIONA

  The one who was asking you about the birds!

  ADAM

  I think they all know I’m an ornithologist. I’ve been going to that coffee shop for years.

  CAITRIONA

  And you like to brag about being an ornithologist.

  ADAM

  All right. No more wine for you. You’re getting mean.

  (The low Mozart keeps MINNIE in ADAM’s mind even when he looks away from the front row, even when he gets used to her smell, the glow of her dress, because MINNIE plays the cello. She travels, playing weddings. There is a man in the quartet. The viola player. ADAM believes MINNIE has a crush on him. More than a crush? ADAM worries they’ve slept together because MINNIE is impulsive. He’s already decided if they’ve slept together he can forgive her. As long as she promises not to travel with the viola player again. As long as she promises it’s over. He can forgive her. He knows she has a wild heart. And he’s lied to her about CAITRIONA, so yes, he can forgive her.)

  CAITRIONA

  I don’t want any more wine anyway!

  ADAM

  I never mean to brag about anything.

  CAITRIONA

  Wait. What the hell? We’ve been listening to the same song all night long. “Eine Kleine Nachtmusik.”

  ADAM

  I must’ve accidentally put it on repeat. The same way we keep repeating this fake argument you want to have with me.

  CAITRIONA

  I can’t deny myself “A Little Night Music.”

  ADAM

  You know, I think it translates to “A Little Serenade,” but “A Little Night Music” sounds prettier.

  (CAITRIONA can still see what she loved about ADAM. His birdlike face. The sharp nose, his dark eyes. He always has great glasses too. A perfect nose for glasses. She used to love seeing him with his glasses off because it was like seeing him naked before she saw him naked. She remembers the first time she saw him naked that night they made their baby. His skinny hips, the dip made right below his belly button, the hair on his chest. He couldn’t climb on top of her fast enough. She didn’t care about anything else in that moment. How could she?)

  CAITRIONA

  (super-annoyed)

  See! You’re such a show-off!

  ADAM

  What? I Googled it! Wikipedia! I’m not an expert! You always jump to conclusions. You take fucking leaps!

  CAITRIONA

  (giggling at first, then turning into full-on laughter)

  I can’t believe we’ve been listening to the same song all night long. Wow, I’m drunk. I forgot to eat.

  (MINNIE crosses and uncrosses her legs. CAITRIONA swears she can smell her. Mint? Lavender? She wishes she wouldn’t sit in the front row. She wishes she could smell her lover in the shadows. Maybe she’ll tell him to wear something with a cedar base. Maybe she’ll tell him to sit closer. Maybe.)

  ADAM

  (laughing lightly)

  Do you want some eggs? I’ll make you some eggs.

  (CAITRIONA changes positions, tucks her legs underneath her and crawls toward ADAM. Her stomach jumps knowing MINNIE is right there, watching. She has to climb on top of him and kiss him. It’s her job. It’s in the script. See!)

  (CAITRIONA changes positions, tucks her legs underneath her and crawls toward ADAM. He leans back, she straddles him. She kisses him passionately for several moments.)

  CAITRIONA

  Yes. I want eggs. You fry them and I’ll sit on the counter while you think of all the things I do to annoy you. I’ll write them down. We’ll make a list! And you can tell me everything you like about the barista too. Is it her nose ring? It’s probably her nose ring.

  (ADAM says nothing. He just shakes his head and kisses CAITRIONA. MINNIE crosses and uncrosses her legs in the front row. ADAM thinks of the car ride home with MINNIE. What she’ll want to eat for dinner. He thinks of their daughter at home with the babysitter. Whether he and MINNIE will make love tonight. Whether either of them will be able to sleep with the white noise of their secrets humming and humming on a loop.)

  (The music—the same song on repeat—perfectly timed, finally ends as the lights dim.)

  END ACT I

  A Girl Has Her Secrets

  This works best if you already have a crush on JFK. JFK Jr. will work too. They were both handsome and intelligent and tragic. Icons. This will work best if you have a white robe and can sing “A Fine Romance” and “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend” in a breathy voice. Do it for the troops! You can wear one of those black slip dresses Marilyn Monroe used to wear; you can spend fifty dollars a week on perfume like she did too. You can live in a hotel like she did. Don’t marry or fall in love with the wrong men like she did though; these are only crushes. Don’t let it go further. Admire his thick hair, how it’s old-time parted on the side. A daguerreotype of a Civil War soldier. Notice how different he is from you. How he’s leather and you’re lace. You can be as girly as a fluffy poodle and you don’t have to apologize for it. You never have to apologize for anything feminine or for putting on your best red lipstick only to stay in the house, only to look out your window like William Carlos Williams’s young housewife—that crushed fallen leaf. The crushes can border on obsessions, but leave them there, in your mind. Watch them, lust after them, fantasize about them, but never fall in love with them because if there’s one thing you must know and learn it’s that this is not about love, this has never been about love. This isn’t about diamonds either. Or beauty or sexiness. This is about being a certain kind of woman, whoever that certain kind of woman is to you. This is one example: Marilyn Monroe. A petal, pale pink. You can also choose Betty Boop. Use your baby voice like Baby Esther. Men are most powerless when a woman pretends to be vulnerable because she is pretending and they are not. Be Josephine Baker or Beyoncé or Rihanna. Or Sylvia Plath. And really, aren’t we all Sylvia? Brilliant, horny, misunderstood? Brain-zapped and punished for our sadness and obsessiveness as our girlishness widens and blooms and blooms and blooms until we fucking split all the way open? Well, here we go! Let’s give them what they want. Our rosewater-breath secrets, these parlor tricks.

  Acknowledgments

  Big thanks and love to my agent, Kerry D’Agostino, and to my editor, Elizabeth Kulhanek. Thank you both so much for your encouragement and kindness. For everything! Here’s to girlhearts, dreams, and papers under pillows!

  Thank you to everyone at Curtis Brown, Ltd. Thank you to everyone at Hachette Book Group and Grand Central Publishing, with special thanks to Linda Duggins, Kristin Vorce Duran, Tareth Mitch, Alli Rosenthal, Alana Spendley, the art department, the legal department, and big love to every beautiful person who makes books happen.

  Thank you to the editors of the literary magazines where some of these stories were previously published. Thank you for reading, editing, publishing, and championing my stories.

  To the women of the world, thank you.

  To you, dear reader, thank you.

  To my parents and my brother, thank you. I love you.

  To R & A, thank you. Wow, I love you madly. Forever stoked I get to be your mom.

  And to Loran—my husband and lover and best friend, the man who keeps me fed and watered like a little plant while I’m working, the man who makes my tea before I ask and who loves me like Jesus does—thank you. Loving you is wild and easy.

  Discover Your Next Great Read

  Get sneak peeks, book recommendations, and news about your favorite authors.

  Tap here to learn more.

  Inspirations

  “1979” by Smashing Pumpkins, 1989 by Taylor Swift, “405” by Death Cab for Cutie, Aaliyah, ABBA, Abbi Jacobson, Acts 17:27–28, Adele, Adventures in Babysitting, afros, Alabama Shakes, Alanis Morissette, Alissa Nutting, America Ferrera, “And if I perish, I perish,” Esther 4:16, Anne Hathaway, Anne Sexton, Annie Lennox, armpit hair, baby animals, The Baby-Sitt
ers Club, Bad Behavior by Mary Gaitskill, The Bangles, Banks, Before Sunrise, Bessie Smith, “Best Song Ever” by One Direction, The Beverly Hills Hotel, “Bitch Better Have My Money” by Rihanna, “Black” by Pearl Jam, Blondie, The Blossoms, Born to Die by Lana Del Rey, bougainvillea, “The Boy Is Mine” by Brandy & Monica, “Brass in Pocket” by The Pretenders, “Brave” by Sara Bareilles, Break Any Woman Down by Dana Johnson, “Breathe (2 AM)” by Anna Nalick, Britney Spears, Broad City, the Brontë sisters, “Burn” by Ellie Goulding, “California” by Joni Mitchell, “California” by Phantom Planet, “California Dreamin’,” “California Love (feat. Dr. Dre and Roger Troutman)” by 2Pac, “California Nights” by Best Coast, “California Stars” by Billy Bragg & Wilco, “California Waiting” by Kings of Leon, “Candyman” by Christina Aguilera, Can’t and Won’t by Lydia Davis, Carey Mulligan, celebrity crushes, Celine Dion, The Chantels, “Chateau Lobby #4 (in C for Two Virgins)” by Father John Misty, Chateau Marmont, Chewing Gum, The Chiffons, Christina Ricci, Clueless, Conversations with Friends by Sally Rooney, The Cookies, Courtney Love, “Crimson and Clover” by Tommy James & The Shondells, “Cruel Summer” by Bananarama, “Crush with Eyeliner” by R.E.M., Crystal Wilkinson, The Crystals, daisies, deserts, “Diamonds” by Rihanna, Diana Ross, Difficult Women by Roxane Gay, Dinah Washington, Dixie Chicks, The Dixie Cups, Dolly Parton, The Doors, Dorothy Vaughan, Drew Barrymore, An Education, Eleanor Tomlinson, “Electric Feel” by MGMT, Elizabeth Barker, Elizabeth Ellen, Elizabeth Winder, Ella Fitzgerald, “Emotional Rescue” by The Rolling Stones, Empire Records, Ethel Waters, everyone/everything in “Girlheart Cake with Glitter Frosting,” The Exciters, Exposé, Feist, feminists, Fleabag, flowers, “Foundations” by Kate Nash, Françoise Hardy, Free, “Free Fallin’ (Tom Petty cover)” by John Mayer, Frida Kahlo, friendship bracelets, Gail O’Neill, Girl by Blake Nelson, “Girl” by Frente!, “Girl Almighty” by One Direction, Girls, The Girls by Emma Cline, “Girls” by Santigold, Grease, Gwendolyn Brooks, Haim, “Hands on You” by Ashley Monroe, Harry Nilsson, Harry Styles, “He Thinks He’ll Keep Her” by Mary Chapin Carpenter, Hedy Lamarr, “Hey Jealousy” by Gin Blossoms, Hidden Figures, “The Hills” by The Weeknd, hippie music, Hole, “Holland” by Sufjan Stevens, Honeymoon by Lana Del Rey, hotels, “I Enjoy Being a Girl” by Peggy Lee, “I Feel That Too” by Jessie Baylin, “I’m Every Woman,” Idina Menzel, Ilana Glazer, “Impossible” by Mothxr, Incubus, “Independent Women, Pt. 1” by Destiny’s Child, “Into the Groove” by Madonna, “It Ain’t California” by Kip Moore, “It’s in His Kiss,” “It’s My Party” by Lesley Gore, jacaranda, Jamie Quatro, Jane Kenyon, Janet Jackson, Jasmine Guillory, Jenny Slate, Jesus Christ, Jimi Hendrix, Joan of Arc, John Hughes, “Just a Girl” by No Doubt, “Just Like Heaven” by The Cure, Kacey Musgraves, Kate Bush, Kate Mara, Katherine Johnson, “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None the Richer, Koko Taylor, “Last Goodbye” by Jeff Buckley, Lauryn Hill, “Leather and Lace” by Stevie Nicks and Don Henley, Led Zeppelin, Lisa Bonet, Liz Phair, Lola Kirke, Loretta Lynn, “Losing You” by Solange, “Love Is a Battlefield” by Pat Benatar, “Lover Lay Down” by Dave Matthews Band, Lovesick, Lovesong, Loving, Loving v. Virginia, “Lovely Rita” by The Beatles, Lust for Life by Lana Del Rey, Maggie Gyllenhaal, “Man in Space” by Billy Collins, Mandy Moore, Mariah Carey, Marilyn Monroe, Martha and the Vandellas, The Marvelettes, Mary J. Blige, Mary Jackson, Mary Wollstonecraft, Maya Angelou, Megan Stielstra, menstrual cycles, Michelle Obama, Middle Cyclone by Neko Case, “Mint Car” by The Cure, Miranda July, moms, moons, “Mother Mother” by Tracy Bonham, “My Boyfriend’s Back” by The Angels, “My Funny Valentine,” “My Wandering Days Are Over” by Belle & Sebastian, Nancy Sinatra, Naomie Harris, “Naughty Girls (Need Love Too)” by Samantha Fox, Neil Young, New Girl, Nina Simone, Normal People by Sally Rooney, Olivia Wilde, The Orlons, pearls, Peggy Lee, PEN15, peonies, perfume, Petra Collins, “Pillowtalk” by Zayn, Pink, Plan Cœur, “Playground Love” by Air, poetry, “Praying” by Kesha, Pretty Woman, Rachel McAdams, rainbows, Rashida Jones, “Retrograde” by James Blake, “Right Hand Man” by Joan Osborne, Rissi Palmer, Robyn, The Rolling Stones, Romeo + Juliet, Rooney Mara, Ruby Bridges, “Run the World (Girls)” by Beyoncé, “Runaround Sue” by Dion, The Runaways, Ruth Negga, Sade, Salvation Mountain, Sam Cooke and Muhammad Ali singing “The Gang’s All Here,” Samantha Irby, Sandra Bullock, Sarah Vaughan, Sassy magazine, A Seat at the Table by Solange, Secretary, “The Seed (2.0) (feat. Cody ChesnuTT)” by The Roots, Sex and the City, “Sexy Sadie” by The Beatles, The Shangri-Las, “She Works Hard for the Money” by Donna Summer, The Shirelles, “Sister Golden Hair” by America, skateboarders, Sleater-Kinney, “A Song for You” by Gram Parsons, Spice Girls, “Spin the Bottle” by Juliana Hatfield Three, “Summertime” by The Sundays, stars, “Stay (I Missed You)” by Lisa Loeb, “Strawberry Fields Forever” by The Beatles, summer, “Sweet Thing (feat. Chaka Khan)” by Rufus, “Sweet Thing” by Van Morrison, “Take On Me” by A-ha, “Teenage Dirtbag” by Wheatus, “Teenage Dream” by Katy Perry, “Tell Me Something Good (feat. Chaka Khan)” by Rufus, Terry McMillan, “thank u, next” by Ariana Grande, “That’s Not My Name” by The Ting Tings, Thelma & Louise, “Thinkin Bout You” by Frank Ocean, Timothée Chalamet, TLC, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before by Jenny Han, Toni Collette, Toni Morrison, “Torn” by Natalie Imbruglia, Towelhead by Alicia Erian, Tracee Ellis Ross, “True Affection” by Father John Misty, “Truth Hurts” by Lizzo, Uma Thurman, Vampire Weekend, Vanessa Hudgens, Veruca Salt, “Visions of Johanna” by Bob Dylan, “The Way You Look Tonight,” “We Didn’t” by Stuart Dybek, “We Found Love (feat. Calvin Harris)” by Rihanna, “West Coast” by Coconut Records, “West L.A. Fadeaway” by Grateful Dead, “What a Fool Believes” by The Doobie Brothers, “What Do Women Want?” by Kim Addonizio, “Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?” by Joyce Carol Oates, “Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?” by Paula Cole, Who Will Run the Frog Hospital? by Lorrie Moore, “Wild Ones” by Kip Moore, Wildflowers by Tom Petty, Winona Ryder, “Wonder” by Natalie Merchant, “Work” by Rihanna, “The Year I Learned Everything” by Roxane Gay, “You Don’t Own Me” by Lesley Gore, “You Know I’m No Good” by Amy Winehouse, Zawe Ashton, Zelda Fitzgerald, Zoë Kravitz, Zora Neale Hurston…etc., etc., etc.