A Baby for the Beast

by Chance Carter

  Amy's crystal orbs rolled to her forehead. "As much fun as it would have been, I'm firmly of the opinion that we were best to avoid any and all spy games."

  I pulled myself free from her hold, grabbed my phone, and walked over to the wall, leaning against it while I hugged my arms to my chest. The situation had gone from bad to worse, and was so complicated that I wasn't' sure which thread I could pull without sending the whole thing falling apart at the seams. I wanted to explain to Brendon who the man in my apartment was and why he was there, but couldn't do so without telling him I was pregnant. I didn't want to tell him I was pregnant when I didn't even know if he was the father, and I especially didn't want him to know that the other potential father was my ex-boyfriend Nolan.

  Unfortunately, I had limited options. If I didn't tell him, I could lose him forever. If I did tell him, I could still lose him forever, but at least I'd know I tried my best.

  "I have to go over there," I said finally.

  I tried to read Amy's expression to see if she thought this was a good idea or if she thought I'd gone mad, but her features didn't have a wrinkle out of place. She gazed at me serenely and then, with only the slightest movement, gave me a short nod.

  "I get it," she said. "Want me to come along?"

  I shook my head. "No, I should do this alone."

  Amy stepped toward me, eyes filled with concern. "I don't want you to have to do this on your own," she said. "What if he's an asshole about it?"

  I shrugged and pushed off from the wall, stepping around her and grabbing my keys from the coffee table. I clutched them tightly in my hand. As simple as the little pieces of cut metal were, they were also my only concrete anchor to New York City. If I didn't have these keys, I wouldn't have a place to live. Of all the things holding me here, these were the only ones that I could touch and feel, and sometimes it felt like all my dreams for myself and this city hung on the same metal ring.

  "If he's an asshole, he's an asshole," I said, already putting on my shoes. "I love him though, Amy. I don't know what he must think of me right now but it's making me sick not knowing. Good or bad, today I'm going to tell him everything."

  Brendon had ignored my phone calls, so it wasn't like I was expecting a warm welcome at his apartment or anything. Still, it irked me when his doorman initially told me he wasn't taking visitors. I told the doorman that he was either going to have to physically drag me off the property or let me up to see Brendon, and after a few words with Brendon, the doorman let me through.

  I wasn't sure what I was walking into. I'd never seen Brendon so mad as he was when I caught a glimpse of him in the elevator on the way down from my apartment, and as such didn't know how he handled anger. Was he a yeller? Maybe he was the quiet type. Maybe he was perfectly calm and reasonable.

  He answered his door with a sullen look and a biting question. "What do you want?"

  "Brendon Ralston, that is no way to treat the woman you claim to love," I snapped.

  Being pregnant was not fun, nor was it easy. I wasn't going to take any more flack than I had to today, and I suspected his mom would be disappointed if she saw him speaking to me like that.

  Brendon knew it wasn't right either, so he let me inside with a bitter sigh. I didn't even get two steps into the apartment before he started flinging accusations on me.

  "I should have known," he said. "I should have known the second you started acting so cagey and distant that there was someone else. So who was that guy, huh? He seems like a dick so I assume it was Nolan, but I guess it could be someone new."

  He closed the door and walked over to stand in front of me, eyes hard and unwavering. I felt the full brunt of his gaze but held my ground. I hadn't done anything wrong today, and Brendon would be begging me for forgiveness as soon as he saw how ridiculous he was being.

  "It was Nolan," I replied, working to keep the tremor from my voice. "But it isn't what you think. I'm not cheating on you."

  "Then why was he there? Because he stopped in to catch up? After everything you've told me about him, I'm so disappointed to see you fall for his shit all over again."

  That one stung, more so because he thought spending time with Nolan was something I wanted to do.

  I couldn't take it anymore. I had to get the secret out before it exploded in my chest.

  "I'm pregnant, Brendon."

  His expression immediately slackened, and I watched as the corner of his mouth lifted with the slightest twitch. For a second, my heart soared and I really thought we did have a chance together. Brendon and I could be something. We could get through this. We could have a baby together and start a family, all we needed to do was learn to trust one another.

  But then reality settled back in like a poisonous fog and forced me to admit the true reason for Nolan's visit.

  "Nolan came to provide a sample of his DNA for a paternity test." I shifted my gaze to the floor, but forced it back up again a moment later. "The baby might be yours. It might be his."

  Brendon's gaze widened and he staggered back, his hands bunching into fists at his sides. "So you were cheating on me but you aren't anymore?" he accused coldly.

  "No! It's not like that!" I cried. "I haven't touched that asshole since before I left for New York. Unfortunately, our first encounter was around the same time. I honestly believe the baby is yours but there's no way of knowing for sure until we get the results."

  Brendon stilled for a moment, breathing while his facial features reorganized themselves into their original spots. I hated to see him mad, but I had to admit the expression suited him. His dark hair and eyes lent him a wild, primal ferocity. He looked almost the same when we were in bed sometimes, and it never failed to send shivers of electric pleasure down to the tips of my toes.

  When Brendon spoke again, his voice came cold and sharp like shattered ice. "When were you planning on telling me about this?"

  I gulped. "I was waiting until I knew for sure who the baby's father was."

  His jaw tightened. "Don't you think I deserved to know the second you did? Why the hell didn't you tell me?"

  "I was going to," I said, striding toward him. Panic swelled in my throat, growing hotter as he stepped back to keep the distance between us.

  "Things kept coming up," I said, sounding pathetic even to myself. "And I...I was scared, Brendon."

  "Of what? Of me?"

  My mouth fell open as I failed to think of what to say. Brendon read my hesitance loud and clear.

  "So what? You thought I was going to throw you out on the street, is that it?" he snarled. "Fuck, Aurora, what must you think of me? Even if it wasn't my kid, I would have been thrilled. I own a chain of children's stores, for Christ's sake. I would have wanted this."

  Would have.

  Those two words said more to me than anything else I'd heard tonight. Brendon would have been excited to hear about my pregnancy, but not anymore. Not now that I'd fucked it up.

  Not now that I'd fucked us up.

  The realization cut so deep that I fell into the chasm it made. I retreated, forcing the pink, delicate side of myself inside while the harder, sharper side of me took to the fray.

  "You have no idea what I've been dealing with these past few months!" I yelled. "How dare you accuse me of cheating on you! And how dare you speak to me like this when you don't know the half of how fucking hard it has been doing this and making these decisions on my own."

  "You didn't have to be alone! You had me!"

  Silence stretched in the air between us, broken only by the sounds of our heavy breathing. My skin buzzed with electric energy, and even though I was so mad that tears gathered in the corners of my eyes, I still felt the urge to wrap myself around him and let him take out his frustrations on my body, instead of my heart.

  But we weren't a we anymore. We spoke in the past tense and made no attempt to understand each other.

  The conversation was over. I left Brendon without another word.

  Chapter 25

  Br
endon

  Watching Aurora leave my apartment without running after her was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do. There was a sense of finality to it, even though our bitter words hadn't resolved anything. Finality with no closure.

  My shredded heart begged me to run after her, to apologize for the things I'd said and try to make things right, but I knew it wasn't a good idea. She lied to me. She deliberately held a piece of information from me that had major implications for my future. Worst of all, she didn't trust me.

  From the moment I realized I loved Aurora, hell, maybe even before that, I put all my trust into her. What was there to fear from a woman so good and pure? How could she hurt me?

  Little did I know at the time, she would turn out to be the only one who could hurt me. And deep.

  I rolled over in bed, glaring at the illuminated numbers on the alarm clock. It was five am. I barely slept at all last night, and I doubted I'd be getting any more rest this morning. With a sigh, I rose from bed and padded out into the kitchen to make myself a strong mug of black coffee.

  I'd been rolling over the situation with Aurora in my mind all night. I was still angry and hurt, but part of me ached for what I'd said to her to. Nevertheless, I wasn't ready to see her again so soon after our fight. So soon after what seemed to be our break up.

  I emailed my secretary and told her I'd be working from home today, and since I had a fully equipped home office, there wasn't anything I could accomplish there that I couldn't accomplish at home anyway.

  It was probably a cowardly move. No, it definitely was. Avery would have given me shit for it, but then again there wasn't much he didn't give me shit for these days. Mom probably would have understood, but she was always a bit soft. It didn't matter what either of them thought. All that mattered was the twist in my gut when I thought about seeing Aurora, especially since seeing her at work meant I couldn't actually talk to her. I would never get anything done in that kind of environment.

  I powered through a day's worth of work before noon, finding solace in the impartiality of the numbers and legal jargon. It was quiet up in my penthouse, and I wondered if I should work from home more often. Once the baby came, it would be beneficial for me to be able to stay home and look after the little guy or girl a few days a week. That single bright thought pulled me far enough out of my funk to grab a sweater and hit the streets.

  I walked the fourteen blocks to my bank, rather than taking a cab. It was nice to decompress after spending the morning hunched over my laptop, and even though it gave me time to think, I gave myself a new topic to think of instead of the soul-wrenching one that had occupied me all night. I'd thought about that one enough for one day.

  I always received speedy service at my bank, and less than a half hour after arriving I'd set up a college trust. The only thing missing was the name of the beneficiary, though it would be easy to slot in the name when the baby was born.

  Even if the child wasn't mine, I wanted the best for him or her. Whatever had gone on between Aurora and I, I still loved her and would never let her child want for anything, especially a good education. It seemed like the least I could do. Others might not understand it. Aurora might not understand it, but this small action had at least set me on the road to feeling a little better.

  Avery called while I was on the walk back to my apartment. I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone, especially the one person I knew would be least sympathetic to my plight, but I picked up anyway. After his accident in France, I always wanted him to be able to get in touch with me if he needed.

  "Hey," I answered.

  "Hey bro," he said. "I need a tiny favor from you."

  "Shoot."

  I passed a hot dog cart and stopped, drawn in by the savory smell. I realized I hadn't eaten all morning and hastily dropped a couple notes into the vendor's hand while Avery explained his problem.

  "It might turn out that I'm not in good enough shape anyhow, but the doctors say I should be good to start moving around out in the real world now. Morgana and I wanted to celebrate by going out on a date tonight."

  "Of course I'll look after Julian." I took a bite of the hotdog. "You don't even have to ask."

  "To be fair, I didn't ask."

  "Like I said, you don't have to. Besides, I figured it was unlikely that you'd call just to tell me all about your big date."

  He chuckled. "You're right. That means a lot and I'm sure Julian will be excited. We'll drop him off around seven."

  "No problem."

  I hung up the phone and continued on my way home. The hot dog was gone before I'd even made it halfway. Back in my office, I scrolled through my inbox and tried to decide what to do next. Now that I'd cleared most of the important stuff up, my mind was a little more free to wander.

  Wander it did.

  I started thinking about Aurora, wondering what she wore to work today. Was it the tight pencil skirt that framed her ass like a priceless piece of art? Was it the high-waisted slacks that I'd been skeptical of at first but had soon grown to love? That girl looked good in everything she wore.

  Before I could go any further, I disconnected my mind and flung myself back into work mode. I stayed home today so I wouldn't have to see her, wouldn't have to think about her.

  If only it were that simple.

  The microwave droned on and on, each second ticking down with incredible slowness. I stared at the glowing rectangle, bored, while Jude channel surfed in the living room.

  "You've got to pick something at some point, bud," I called over to him without turning around. "The popcorn's going to be finished soon."

  "I don't know what to pick," he whined. "There are so many good shows on."

  The microwave beeped and I took out the scalding hot bag of popcorn, shaking it with gusto as I rooted for a bowl in the cupboard. It smelled a little burnt. Whoops.

  "Don't forget the extra butter!" Julian piped.

  I sighed, even as my amusement grew. "Of course, sir."

  Julian didn't get the joke. He was just a little too young to realize how much of a pain in the ass he could be. I couldn't tell whether the demanding side of him came more from his mother or his father. Though they were polar opposites in many ways, that was one personality trait Avery and Morgana had in common.

  When I moved back over to the sofa, arms laden with a big bowl of buttery popcorn and two glasses of water, Julian was settled into the furthest corner of the couch with his knees up to his chin. His eyes were the size of saucers and I followed his gaze to the TV, where sharks and tropical fish slowly waved their way through an endless sea of turquoise.

  "What'd you pick?" I smacked his legs until he lowered them and then handed him his cup of water.

  He scooted closer to me and the popcorn, grabbing his first handful. "Something on sharks."

  I could tell I'd lost his attention now. He didn't look at me when he spoke and he shoved the popcorn into his mouth without so much as glancing down at his hand. Little kernels toppled into his lap.

  I was glad he'd picked a nature program instead of some kid's show, but I found the topic to be a bit hard to get into. There was something about the underwater environment that didn't jive with me, and the naturally slow pace of the show had my eyes feeling heavier by the second.

  My thoughts drifted to Aurora. What was she doing now? It was Friday night, but that didn’t mean anything. She was pregnant, so it wasn't like she'd be going out and getting wasted at the bar. Also, she was Aurora, and that was an unlikely scenario in the first place.

  I couldn't stop thinking about her and it was driving me mad. I knew that if Julian wasn't there the temptation to call her might override my better judgement. I was still too emotional about what had happened between us, and I didn't trust myself to behave properly. When I am like this, it is easy for me to make mistakes. I'd already made so many in life.

  "Uncle Brendon?" Jude's small voice piped up during one of the commercial breaks.

  "Mmm?" I had to force both m
y eyes open and look down at him. Sometime during the show he'd wedged himself up against my side, with the bowl resting on my knees.

  "Where's Auntie Aurora? Isn’t she coming tonight?"

  I should have expected him to ask but it still sent a crash of pain through my heart. I was suddenly alert, and I sat up a little in my seat to address him.

  "Auntie Aurora and I are just taking some time apart right now," I said softly.

  "How much time? A week?"

  I laughed and ruffled his head. "That's just an expression adults use, kid. There's no definite amount of time until we see each other again."

  He screwed up his mouth, but whatever thought had caused him to do so apparently wasn't worth voicing. Jude turned his face back toward the TV and let out the tiniest of sighs.

  "I hope you don't take too much time," he said. "I miss her."

  "I miss her too, bud." I wrapped an arm around his shoulders and squeezed.

  My heart clenched—for everything we had, everything we could have had, and everything we might never have. I had no idea how to move forward. How much time was I going to need? Would it ever be enough to fix the ache in my chest? She lied to me. I wanted to trust her more than I ever wanted to trust anyone, but now thoughts of her were tainted with mistrust.

  Worst of all? Here, with Jude, watching nature documentaries and eating slightly burnt popcorn, I realized that if this was going to be my life, I could think of no better person to spend it with than Aurora. I could think of no better mother for my child.

  Chapter 26

  Aurora

  I stared at the clock on the mantle, watching the hands slowly creep around one second at a time. I was lying over the back of the couch, upside down with the blood rushing to my head. I'd gotten sick of staring at the clock from a normal position and, rather than switching up my activity to something less weird and depressing, I just went at it from a different angle.

  It was the most boring Saturday I'd ever spent on this earth. I had nowhere to go, nothing to do, and the only person I wanted to spend any time with hated my guts. For a good reason, too.